• Member Since 5th May, 2014
  • offline last seen Aug 30th, 2015

NeonShadow


Rainbow Dash is best pony. TwiDash is best ship. Food is best. Ponies are life. Nuf said.

T

Why do they pick on me? Why are my stupid wings so weak? Why can't I fly like a normal pegasus? Why do I have to be different? I can't take it. I have to stop the pain. I have to stop the teasing. I'm sorry...... So, so sorry.

Follow Fluttershy through her mind as she tries to get through the pain in her life.

Special thanks to Jake the Dog for proofreading.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 64 )

IF I CRY I BLAME U *sniff*

......WOW.:fluttercry:
Damn. Damn you're good. Hmmmm.....
itcantjustbeme.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/13.png
(literally)

4501606
Well, I'm glad you liked it. It was my first attempt at a sad fic.

Very well written and a moving story... However, you might want to rechanger the tags. SSad stories have a hay ending, got to FAQ, it'll tell you. Tradgey's have a bad end and can or can noit be sad the entire time.

4501625
So, do you think it should be sad or tragic?

4501632 probably tragic sense flutter took her life

4501636
Ok, I'll change it. Thanks for the advise!:pinkiehappy:

4501640 WWait! Im really really sorry, and tragedy might work, but I just found out that sad can have both a happy and sad ending:fluttercry: I derped it, I'm so sorry

Someone actually wrote a suicide story where the character actually died.
it was actually pretty good.

4501640 Thx for the follow by the way

4501649
That's fine.:pinkiesad2: I'll just change it back.

4501655 Thx for understanding my derp moment:derpyderp2:

4501636 :flutterrage: nice going you ruined the story for me you could of said SPOILER ALERT 1st, Ahem my rage quit is done

4501663 sorry princess derpy:fluttercry:but I think it's pretty obvious, I mean look at the picture and description

4501664 :facehoof:i was just hopeing for a happy ending were scootaloo stops her since there both sort of a like and i forgive ya :pinkiehappy::heart:

4501683 can I have a muffin now:derpytongue2:?

4501693 Yay:yay: wait wrong one... Ahem, I don't know what went wrong:derpyderp1:

dang it this story gave me an idea kinda like this were fluttershy ends her life but with a more happy ending with scoots in it :scootangel::yay:

The story itself wasn't bad, you could still work on your writing though. Here are a couple of things I noticed you could do better:

You tend to repeat yourself, maybe because your vocab is not large enough, maybe it is because of something else, I don't know. If your problem is vocab, then you could try looking up synonyms for common expressions, for example "doubt" instead of "don't think".

Additionally you should take some more time to describe your story. In fact, every sentence oft the first larger paragraph could have been a paragraph oft its own, made up by about 3-4 sentences which could give further information and overall improve the readability of your story, <2500 words is usually too little for a non-troll story.
Summary:
- work with synonyms
- do not shorten your story too mich

Hope I could help, hope your next story will be even better.

Cubidyow

4501726
Oh that would be nice. You should totally do it!

4501734
Well this was just a quick thought that came to mind. But I will use your advise. Thanks.

4501755
You're quite welcome

Damn... I would say that I spotted several major errors, but this is still a great story.

Five mustaches!
:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

4501821
Um... you did? Would you mind pointing them out?

:fluttercry: Sad! It was a good story! Good work Neon! My only complaints would be that it is a bit repetitive, and that you could have used a bit more detail. Basically what 4501734 said! :pinkiehappy: Keep it up!

I would rate this :derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2:/:derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2::derpytongue2:

Hi 4501625, my fellow Derpy! :derpytongue2:

4502026
Yeah, I need to work more on, details.

Pretty good for your first story. Grammar does need work on, but doesn't everyone on their first story? Good story. Poor Fluttershy. Earned a like.

4501918 For one, Fluttershy never lived on the ground until after she fell from the clouds in that one episode. So there would be no forest or animal friends when she a filly. Remember her song in that episode was about how new and amazing the ground was, indicating she had never been down there before.

Another problem is why do her parents have no choice? From what I saw, it was
"We should send her to camp."
"She's shy."
"We choice."
You could elaborate more and tell us why they had no choice, or maybe hint they have been discussing this for a long time.

If Fluttershy can't fly, then how did she get the cloud into the sky? I guess you could say with the cloud keeping her aloft, she could make slow progress, but you could have elaborated a bit more.

But overall, good story idea.

4502064
Huh.. I guess I was trying to make it seem like after, she fell, she lived down there. And for the part with her parents, your right. It doesn't really make any sense. And for the part with the cloud, I was doing what you said, in your comment. But I should have elaborated more.


4501918 Okay, I'll point out the ones I saw (I know I'm not Broken Melodies, but I noticed several flaws as well.) First of all, she apparently headed out the window into the forest when her parents visited her. I say to you, OBJECTION!!! First off, if Fluttershy supposedly can't fly, then how'd she get to and from the forest when her house is in Cloudsdale? Second, in Cutie Mark Chronicles, it was revealed that Fluttershy had never been on the ground before she met Rainbow. Guess what though? The first time she met Rainbow, she ended up falling to the ground, and as such, discovered her cutie mark during Rainbow Dash's Sonic Rainboom. From this however, it's implied that she has known Rainbow for a while, which makes no sense considering if she had known Rainbow for a while, she would've had her cutie mark for it, which you said she didn't. Also, let's not forget that Fluttershy had no experience with animals prior to meeting Rainbow. In this, she clearly does. Third, why is it she suddenly is able to carry a cloud high above Cloudsdale only when she's preparing for suicide? Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that require quite a bit of flying? So, suddenly her problem is gone, yet she doesn't notice. Huh?:rainbowhuh: I guess you could make the argument that she had already snapped by that point, but even still, her not being able to fly is suddenly swaped for her being able to expertly fly. Personally, I think it would've made more sense if she'd have thrown herself off Cloudsdale, all while ripping her wings apart. So yeah, quite a few issues here and there. And you know what? I still really like this story! Granted, there are a bunch of logical contradictions, but the emotion was there in full force, and I actually shed a tear after I finished reading this (and considering the fact that it is almost impossible to make me cry at anything fictional, that's really impressive.) You handled this suicide story well, and it's getting a favorite out of me. (Just a tip, in case you're still reading this comment, add an alternate universe tag to this one. If you do that, then all of the plot holes are fixed, just like that.) 4 'staches: :moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:

4502115 and yes, I realize that Melodies already uploaded his/her problems before I uploaded mine. I didn't notice that until afterwards. Any parralles are pure coincidence.

4502092 After she fell, she stayed down there and never returned to Cloudsdale for a long time.

4502115
Thanks for pointing everything out to me. I just added the alternate universe. And I'm glad you liked it!:pinkiehappy:

Nice story! The concept is sad :fluttershbad: but very nice for a short story. Here are my ratings:

Flow: The story is well written, but I would add a bit more to increase the length; 4.5 Cacti out of 5
Concept: I enjoyed the concept of the story. Giving Flutters a point a view and how she coped with the torture. It is very sad and tragic. However, I would suggest adding more details to give the story more character and background; 4 Cacti out of 5
Grammar: Over all, grammar is correct; 5 Cacti out of 5

Over all rating, 4 Cacti out of 5 :derpytongue2:

Nice story! The concept is sad :fluttershbad: but very nice for a short story. Here are my ratings:

Flow: The story is well written, but I would add a bit more to increase the length; 4.5 Cacti out of 5
Concept: I enjoyed the concept of the story. Giving Flutters a point a view and how she coped with the torture. It is very sad and tragic. However, I would suggest adding more details to give the story more character and background; 4 Cacti out of 5
Grammar: Over all, grammar is correct; 5 Cacti out of 5

Over all rating, 4 Cacti out of 5 :derpytongue2:

Comment posted by ThatCactusPony deleted Jun 5th, 2014
Comment posted by ThatCactusPony deleted Jun 5th, 2014

Nice story! The concept is sad :fluttershbad: but very nice for a short story. Here are my ratings:

Flow: The story is well written, but I would add a bit more to increase the length; 4.5 Cacti out of 5
Concept: I enjoyed the concept of the story. Giving Flutters a point a view and how she coped with the torture. It is very sad and tragic. However, I would suggest adding more details to give the story more character and background; 4 Cacti out of 5
Grammar: Over all, grammar is correct; 5 Cacti out of 5

Over all rating, 4 Cacti out of 5 :derpytongue2:

Aww sad but I liked it! I like how you told the way she'd been treated and how she copes with it. The background was also good! I'm not much of a story rater but I say 9/10:pinkiehappy:
You have inspired me to think about writing a story like this!

4502660
Awesome! You totally should! Glad you liked it.

4502667
I'll add the thought to my 'Stories to think about' list:raritystarry:

4502874
Cool! I'm glad I inspired you!

4502953
Well it must be your lucky day because it's rare for me to be inspired by another story! Oh and by the way....*click* you my friend have deserved it for the great read and inspiration.

Login or register to comment