A troubled teenager, who wishes for a better life, a life of happiness and joy, is teleported into Equestria by a freak accident, and tries to assimilate into pony society, after he heals from the injuries he sustained from falling into Equestria. He soon finds that the one he loves, is within reach, but does not know if the pony will feel the same way towards him.
A/N: This is my first FanFic, so i am not too sure on how well it will pan out, but thanks for reading it if you did!
The 'Romance may be a bit farther along in the first chapter, but will definitely have more in chapter 2.
Chapters (5)
Very good so far!
You should add Original Character in the characters category.
380974 Thanks!
381019 and added to OC category, somehow forgot about that.
I find this quite interesting.
I shall wait and see where you go with this before I give a like/dislike.
good opening chapter to set up the story
I have a feeling this is going to be a great story
One of the most frustrating things about being a writer on this site is getting a negative rating, and no reason behind it. Therefore, here's my reason behind disliking this story, and some constructive criticism to boot.
The main issue I have with the story is the way the narrative is written. The character is a teenager, no? The important thing about narrative is that it's supposed to reflect the personality and perspectives of the character, and throughout the story the character uses very lofty language with very awkward sentence structure. The narrator just doesn't sound like a teenager, and, if there's any reason that he carries such a formal tone, it isn't expressed in the story why. Considering his poor economic condition, I'd expect him to be even more so casual than the average person.
And that leads me into my next point, in that the dialogue feels rather stilted. I mean, read this; “It is truly nothing princess, I would much rather be here, under the care of these ponies rather than where I had been.” I sadly proclaimed to her, “As my world has no hope for a better time, the fight to better it has long been lost.” It sounds like the poor guy has been trained in Shakespearean theater the way he talks! Also, as a general rule, instead of using phrases such as "we will" or "that is", use "we'll" and "that's". It's all about making the speech sound natural. These characters aren't writing what they're saying on a piece of paper and reciting it, they're talking. When talking to a friend, would you say "Let us go to the mall"? Most likely not.
The plot feels a bit rushed, and if there's one thing that suffer, it's the characterization. What do I know about Sky Hope? (I should also note that the name ventures dangerously close to Marty Stu territory.) Well, his family is poor. And dead. And he also doesn't like the way America's going. And... That's about it. I don't know anything about his personality, his likes (Yeah, there's MLP, but that applies to all OC's on FiM by default.), his dislikes... I just don't feel too invested in the character. And then Sky Hope, in the very first chapter, makes an instant connection with Twilight Sparkle, who also returns the feelings. I understand you want to ship your OC, and I'm cool with that, but you need to give it some more time and investment. Just seeing Twilight, the socially reclusive pony, fall for a character instantly feels OOC and unrealistic.
I won't go too much into the grammar. Let's just say it seems someone dropped a bucket of commas on your story and they're EVERYWHERE now. Wording needs work too, as many of your sentences read very awkwardly.
One of my biggest suggestion is to get a pre-reader who can give you some critiques before you publish your stuff. You can find an awesome group of pre-readers here, all who'd be perfectly willing to look over your stuff. Hell, I'm part of the group. If you wanted, I'd do a bit of pre-reading for ya.
Anyway, that's my thoughts. I know this is your first story, and I'm not trying to discourage you or anything. Being a good writer takess time, and with enough work, I'm sure you can write some interesting stuff.
381558 Thanks for the critique, most people dont go that in depth with it. I understand where you are coming from, looking back on the story to see what is going on to be true, and may go back and do a rewrite. Thanks again.
I grabbed the soft towel, although it felt weird because of how pruny my hands had become.
I believe you mean hooves.
you'd think I'd lern to be more careful just walking around,
Learn, not lern.
I quite enjoyed this chapter. I shall leave you with a .gif:
i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u382/UberUber1337/DISGONBGUD.gif
403886 Thanks for the corrections btw, and thanks for the gif
No comment on the chapter yet. YAY this is my time to shine. OK 1..... 2...... 3....
411165 I'm trying to determine if this is a good thing.... lol
411187 It most defiantly is a good thing
411191
411198 indeed
Celestia forced into speaking German... no good can come of that.
Celestia said "Thank You, Farewell, Sister
I took some German in High School (pretty easy to interpret)
Geschichte läuft sehr gut
414239 I don't know much German, but danke
414549 you're welcome
I like it. I will definately give it a shot. Liked/faved.
418993 Thanks
421810
You're welcome.
Now write more!
...if you wouldn't mind that is...
421815 Its in the works. But if you want another short story to read, (~1500 words), go here: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19456/Wingless
422154
Already did. I liked it. (I went with "This is just a bad dream and she woke up just before she hit the jagged rocks but she fell out of her bed when she did" by the way. *shrug* Just because.)
Also, back to this story; why do I get the feeling that Twilight will be like "Uhm... I'm flattered but you are only an experiment that will ensure my name being recorded in history." (something like that or something else similar that will devastate him completely..)?
Also-also; he was brought into Equestria by Celestia/Twilight and he never questions it? No "how" or "why"? I'm sure it'll be brought up soon though. I'll admit your story left me confused on some parts, nothing unforgivable, but still. You may want to elaborate certain things in the story.
Overall it's good.
422270 Thanks for letting me know about the parts that you thought were off about this, I try and improve each chapter.
422303
You're welcome. Now, just for some more advice to make me look like an expert; If you haven't done already you may want to do the following:
>Get and editor or work together with a co-author.
>(if editor/co-author doesn't suit you) Before you post the finished chapter read through it and correct any grammatical errors (works best if read out loud).
>Again, elaborate events in the story more carefully.
That is all.
Ich mag es aber Warum Deutsch?
424954 first thing that popped into my head. Sounds cool anyways... Just imagine Celestia.... but in German
424989 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpLHBghQ5HI 45 seconds in
425003 That works. Still its interesting to think of it that way, or at least that was the way that i see it.
425010 very, English Celestia sounds better in my horrible mental german
First!
528688 Actually, you are #31.
What?! Shoot, I was only 30 off! One of the chapters I was first...... I hope.