I am Russell Dickson. I live and work in Maysville, KY with my family at Magee's Bakery. I like to write stories form time to time and thought I would try MLP
"Vinyl Scratch was screaming. It seemed like every time aunt Vinyl did not ger her way, she started screaming." This was the first time Vinyl ever hit Octavia. "I know Vinyl is under a lot of stress right now, but what did I do to provoke this much anger?"
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4101232 Thank you for pointing that out. My bad.
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
4104777 Who and what?
Beginning remarks:
So, uh, is this really over? The beginning said something about the CMC's adventures, but this was only one story and it is marked complete. It also had nothing to do with the CMC aside from Sweetie Bell -who would be there anyways due to it occurring at carousel boutique- being the narrator. In which case, what was the point of the intro? Are you going to attempt to write a sequel? Also, the fact that her cutie mark was a gear labeled "2" is really not explained well. What the hay is that supposed to be? Cutie marks nearly always display the talent unmistakably, so what the heck is this talent and why did you not feel the need to explain it?
Also, why are the comments on this story deleted? Did you not like what people said, so you deleted their comments? That's low, man. When people go through a comment section and see this, the first thing they think is that you either have no spine and don't want people to see bad things said about your story, or that you can't take criticism without blowing up at people. I'm not saying that you are like this, but that is the first impression.
Okay, now to review. Overall rating for this story would probably be a 4/10, or a "at least you tried". The story could probably be meaningful and heartwarming if the reader was given any depth or time to process what the buck was going on. You just skipped from scene to scene without actually laying down any good details that would immerse your readers into the story. This lack of detail killed any emotion or impact that this story could have had, and instead left me bored and waiting for the story to end.
Your dialogue is also severely lacking. You constantly use the word "said" to describe speech, instead of using more colorful terms like "lamented" or "groaned". This leaves the dialogue seeming like it was spoken without emotion or conviction, and pretty much drags the story down like a lead weight. If you are going to use "said", try to use a descriptive term or other action after it.
For example, you could say:
"I'm so sorry." Vinyl said.
However, this phrase is super boring. Instead, you could say:
"I'm so sorry." Vinyl said, as tears dripped down her muzzle.
Or:
"I'm so sorry." Vinyl said pleadingly.
All of these work better and convey much more emotion.
The last thing I have a problem with was the way the story progressed. There wasn't really any feeling of tension or conflict here, though that could have been due to the lack of description that I addressed earlier. The main problem here is that the story moves along sporadically, with long instances of dialogue suddenly linked to further events by Sweetie Bell's blatant questions.
This is really jarring to read, because it kills the flow of the story. It makes Sweetie Bell seem less like a character, and more like a characterless device that is just in the story to advance the plot. Her questions are almost obnoxiously blatant to me, yet they somehow cause the characters to take a moment of reflection so that the conflict can be resolved or furthered. Even if you did have a good idea for the story, this killed a good section of it by making the conflict's resolution seem contrived.
There were probably some other problems that I missed, but this is mostly what I noticed. In summation, this story suffers from a crippling lack of detail, a boring dialogue tone, bad flow and pacing, and an obnoxious narrator. This thing desperately needs a re-write, and an editor, but the idea is a good one. Keep refining this and you might get out of your dislike pit eventually.
Cheers!
4106016 So, someone say something nasty. But, I am the bad guy. Thank you for that note.
This what I have learn so far. Try something new and someone is right there to push your face in the mud.
I thought I had some fun stories that I could share, and may I could learn to be a better writer. But, the nasty digs has only proven to me that people are only into tearing others down to make themselves feel bigger.
Other than your defending a bully. You are right, and I will work on making the changes that you pointed out.
Thank you for your time.
4107411
Warren Peace is the last person I would call a bully. He has his opinions and his criticisms but that's it. I've never seen him go out of his way to bully someone. I've seen him come down hard on a story and give the writer hints on how to improve, but never out right bully someone.
If you didn't want to get criticism, or if you think that criticism is bullying, then you really shouldn't post this online.
4107488 Hints are one thing. If it feels like an attack, it is an attack. That simple. This is my little part of the internet, and I will write what I like, the way I like. With or with our some one blessing.
Now it has become a point of pride.
4108947 Warren Peace makes structured reviews he's not attacking anyone, grow a pair and take his criticism, he means well.
And you're lucky Awkwardtaco, Moviemaster, or anyone major from plan 9 didn't see this yet.
They would rip you a new one.
4107411 I wasn't really defending anyone, just pointing out some things that I noticed. I know Warren Peace's reputation, and could guess what happened, but I wasn't defending nor condemning anyone. I couldn't even read his review, due to it being deleted. Deleted comments by the author usually rub users here the wrong way, so I was just trying to give you a tip.
Sorry if you feel discouraged, but most of us here are trying to help. The flame starters and rage posters are just usually more vocal, so it may not seem like it.
I hope you improve with further stories. 
All right, Sir Russell Dickson, I'm going to check your story out.
Haha, what does canon mean. Those rainbow objects are for the CMC, not the Mane 6.
(If the Mane 6 are just collecting the objects to give to the CMC so they can open the box, I will personally find you and shake your hand for being a pony prophet.)
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The Boulder doesn't like your usage of his signature style of addressing himself in the third person.
You know, I'm a pacifist--so, idealistically, I agree with this. It doesn't seem like something Twilight would say, though.
You think you're witty for using this line, do you?
I'm pretty sure Octavia wouldn't kiss a pony who'd just hit her, if indeed no amount of stress justifies hitting another pony. Were that statement true, this would be absolutely traumatic.
This is so... what.
This sentence is so eloquently crafted, Shakespeare must have taken his inspiration from the knowledge that you will someday exist.
Unless, of course, Vinyl knew that Twilight was there, comforting Octavia. Then, were Octavia not at home and not at Carousel Boutique, provided the truth wasn't tortured out of Rarity, the next logical place to check would be Twilight's place. Unless, of course, Vinyl doesn't know where Twilight lives. In which case, that line of reasoning makes sense.
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This is OOC. I can't imagine Octavia would be that bad at English.
And what's the second big problem?
I actually kinda dig the little gems of knowledge that this has. I think this is the second one in the first chapter; not bad, considering. 
OOC. Neither of them are very pleasant ponies. Maybe Rainbow Dash would do something sensitive and caring like that.
OOC. Sweetie Bell (not Sweetie Belle, mind you--they're two different ponies) would never forget a book.
I'm glad we're going to get to see the romance tag utilized in chapter 1.
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Perfect chance for a pun. Why not Sammule Adams?
I don't even drink alcohol, but based on my one time getting buzzed, I know for a fact that you lose control when you're drunk. I'm pretty sure you've never had alcohol. Like, ever.
This is a pretty weak argument. If she loves you for you and you want to get drunk, yet she disapproves of your being drunk or your partying lifestyle, it's like saying, "I love you, but this whole thing I love you for is just out of bounds." It's not love if you hate everything about the person.
FIN.
Okay... what just happened here? There was a conflict, it was resolved, and Sweetie Belle got a mysterious cutie mark that is the logo of the story. The story description is just an excerpt of the first chapter which doesn't really explain much of anything. You started the story out by stating that the CMC opened the box from the Tree of Harmony, yet that hasn't been expanded upon.
So, let me get this straight: You have fulfilled the story picture as well as the entirety of the story description, which leads me to believe that the story is actually completed, as it states--and despite using the default naming convention of "Chapter 1," which implies that there will be follow-up chapters.
Yet, only Sweetie Belle's story was described; Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, the other two ponies that helped open the box from the Tree of Harmony, are gone. Poof!
This seems like a story that had the potential to become something significant, but you got bored after writing the first story and posted what you had.
... Which is perfect! I love having nothing but questions, no sense of fulfillment, and no answers in my stories.
It reminds me of the world in general: just plain awful. 
4128510 Buzz driving. Fools that think they drive better with they are drunk. My ex-girl friend was a cop. I hear more than one story like this. I just not a very good story teller.
4129275
Thanks for not deleting my comment. I put a lot of work (and enjoyment) into making those things; if I saw it deleted, it would make me very sad.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think drunk people are just as stupid as (I think) you do; they don't feel empowered, though, their judgment is the main thing impaired. It makes arrogant people more arrogant, yes, but that's because they're already arrogant, they just have poor judgment of how outwardly to display such emotion. Men start beating women and each other because they have poor judgment of what's actually worth a fight. People get behind the wheel because they have poor judgment of how messed up their senses are thanks to alcohol.
Empowerment, as far as I know, is not one of the side effects of being drunk; from people who drink alcohol regularly, I've never once heard that as a reason for why they drink alcohol--not even those trying to quit and finding every reason to hate alcohol. Not in my experience, at least.
4129463 It started out as enjoyable.
But, I am starting to see that the good nature "brony" stuff was just a pack of lies.
4129686
Well... online presentation and in-person presentation are two vastly different things.
The brony community isn't a hugbox; they are a lot of people with anti-social tendencies who not only don't know how to communicate face-to-face, but not how to communicate through text, either. Thus, even without meaning to, they will gain the ire of their peers often.
Thus, you have to remember that not everyone you meet will be very easy to get along with, and, in fact, they are usually fairly difficult to deal with consistently. This is something that you will likely notice whenever you're on a brony site, especially if you're public about what you say and do.
Bronies come here to read decent literature about their favorite characters, not make others feel good; the "A for effort" sentiment doesn't really apply here because most bronies are abrasive.
I, personally, am very sarcastic and silly most of the time. I have no idea if I have any kind of anti-social tendencies, seeing as I've never been diagnosed either way, but I am quite reclusive, so it wouldn't surprise me if I am.
Most everything I say is a joke, and when it's not a joke, I try to say it as good-naturedly as possible.
By the way, you've earned yourself a follow.
I like talking to you so far.
4129995 folks should be happy I do not work for the show.
But, just to let you know, because I feel like the wrong thing to do. But, my enjoy it.
One big story I am playing with is called "My little toaster repair pony".
I want to hear people scream how bad that one will be.
4111180
I really want to review this on there...but I don't think im as qualified as them.
4182876 Okay. Then could you just play editor. I know I need help. I want to tell the stories that are in my head, but the words get lost between my head to my hands.
4183082
I am not a good editor either. I cant edit for shit.
4183105 Did you enjoy the story?
4183187
sad and dark stories make me depressed. So, I didn't actually read it, I was reading the comments, and stuff.
4183193 But it has a happy ending.
4184199
Either way, its still sad and dark, and once I go down that road no happy ending takes me out of that bloody depressing shit in my head.
4184210 How about, "What is Family?" it is nice.
4184225
I don't have the time for it right now.
4184229 I get it! You like me and want to keep talking to me. That sweet.
4184257
I'm actually trying to read homestuck all over again, but you are a nice person to talk too, albeit silly.
4184262 Pegasister, you are talking to an old, used up, broken down earth pony. It is just so cute that you are flirting with me. Just don't run to far ahead. I sort of like that song. "I not as good as I once was, but I am as good as I have ever been once."
4184323
I don't flirt with people I don't even know, I don't even flirt with people I do know, I bloody hate romantic shit. Also, unicorn master race! I would rather be called a brony also.
4184332 Then I would take the word "Pegasister" off my biography.
"I am a young pegasister who found this after watching a couple my little pony videos. I am obsessed with doctor who. Besides that I love the bobble head littlest pet shops, I find them to be collectables. I have a lot of ideas for stories and I rush into them so I can get them out of my head before going back and fixing them up."
Also only a true romantic, hates being call a romantic.
unicorn master race
4184378
My mom thinks I am insane, and the other kids I meet are weirded out by the way I talk about my life. Romance and love is kind of stupid anyway, you don't even really need it.
If you knew me irl, you would see that is not the case at all about being a romantic
4184389 "Romance and love is kind of stupid anyway, you don't even really need it." Sounds like someone got dumped hard in her life. I am sorry. But, you are right it is stupid, but oh God what a rush. That what make life wroth living.
Some of the happy moments of my life have been holding hands, and walking with the woman I was in love with.
4184451
Never been in love actually. I'm 15 dude, and afraid of relationships because of something that happened on TV involving a real story where a husband murdered his wife with a pencil and hid her in his basement for 15 years. Maybe it was a spatula, or something, but it was probably a pencil. I have trust issues and I don't trust guys, yet I love being around them more then girls, so its kind of a predicament.
4184469 We all got trust issues. That just part of being human. That what my story is all about. Vinyl brakes Octavia's trust. But, they love each other and want to be with each other that they learn to over come their problems. It dose not happen over night, and when both people (or ponies) want to work on the relationship. It is the most fantastic thing to ever happen. But, both people have to be willing. That is hard part.
4184451 The Long Lonely Road.
This is the story you want.
4184519
I mean I have no friends, I stay in my room all day, and don't interact with any real people in my life trust issues. I barely have social interaction with my family, and I am completely fine not having friends, since I work better in school alone and stuff. This conversation is starting to get weird, so I will just end this right now.
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4184540 I like your story. Why does it have down votes?
4244897 Over all my spelling and grammar is that good. And Octavia speaks in a very proper tone, that I can not write very well.
4245228 Well I know two editors who could help you, their names are Silver Blade & eggynack. They helped me with my story Ace Combat: Divided Feelings. Want to check it out?
4245580 sure