A Night to Remember
It was a cool winter night, at the time which, on most nights, the only pony still up would’ve been Luna, the Princess of the Night, whom would sleep during the day. However, on that night, a lavender purple alicorn was restless, unable to sleep. She groaned, tired and sick of trying to sleep, and sat up in her bed, putting her back legs on the side of the bed as she got up, careful not to wake up her sleeping dragon assistant, whose bed was only a few steps away. Once out of bed, Twilight quietly walked up the steps to the balcony. A magenta glow emitted from her horn, the same glow dully shining around the balcony’s door handle, making it turn and push outward, allowing the young alicorn mare entry into the cool night air.
Once stepping out, the wintry air enveloped Twilight, barely enough to make her shiver slightly, small fluffs of fur from her coat moving with the icy breeze. She closed the balcony door behind her, breathing in the refreshing oxygen. It was on nights like these, where she could look out upon the sleeping Ponyville, nights of serenity, where she would usually fall asleep on the balcony. However, something in her subconscious urged her to do more. Some strange feeling made her want to go out for a little late night flying. Twilight didn’t know why she felt this way, but she didn’t have any reason to reject this intention. Her wings opened up, ready to take flight as she stepped up to the edge of the balcony.
Twilight leaned forward, off the railing of the balcony, the breeze supporting her open wings, making her glide. Only when she was a few feet above the ground did she start to flap her wings, once every few seconds, like Rainbow Dash had taught her. Over the past two to three years after getting her wings, Twilight had been using trial and error. Perfecting her wing use, and mastering it. Twilight had broken her wings once or twice, making the wing bones stronger than before when they healed. She had learned all she had needed to know, as she did with a subject she became enthralled with. Her cleverness had helped her in dire situations, even in the Crystal Empire, when she couldn’t find a way out of the trap she set off, making herself a dark crystal prison. After that had happened, she had researched various crystal types, learning of Cavansite, the mineral used to craft the Crystal Heart eons ago, and Magnetite, a crystal made to block magic/ store tenebrous magic that had teleported her back in when she tried teleporting out.
Twilight looked down and realized that she had lost track of where she was flying. Instead of the quiet, quaint homes of the sleeping Ponyville, all she could find was trees in all directions. She looked around, trying to get her bearings. Seeing nothing but trees rustling in the midnight wind, she decided to land and try to see if she missed something in the air that she could see better on land. Drawing near to the ground, she looked in a panorama fashion, looking around her slowly, analyzing every detail, every nook and cranny of every tree she could see. She saw sleeping squirrels and other foresting creatures, but not much else. Her horn glowed, the magenta glow emitting out, helping Twilight to see into the darkness as she walked along, looking around her, inspecting every detail once more. Something about this forest seemed off, yet inviting. Twilight’s curiosity got the best of her, compelling her to find out what made this forest so intriguing. She kept trotting along, not listening to the microscopic voice in her head telling her this wasn’t a good idea.
Her light magic started to flicker as she neared a clearing, where she could look up and see the eventide sky with the stars twinkling brightly by the moon. Twilight gazed down in surprise as the dirt she had stepped gingerly on slid down a long, dark hole. She inspected the look of it. It was a small hole, but big enough for anypony curious enough to trot into it. The entrance, like the forest, seemed inviting. Her curiosity sparked once more, and, before she could protest, she found herself gliding downward into the darkness of the hole, determined to find what compelled her to insinuate into such a gloomy place. She landed carefully, unsure of what might be hiding in the naturally-formed crystal cave, hiding in the shadows.
Twilight couldn’t have been more right.
A strange, eerie chill raced down her spine as she heard a whooshing sound, followed by a strange, yet somehow familiar laughter. Twilight looked behind herself, and when she looked forward again, she was met with a familiar face. King Sombra, the former tyrannical unicorn ruler of the Crystal Empire, whom was believed to be dead, was now only a few feet away from where Twilight stood. He stood, silent and stoic, for a few mere moments, inspecting Twilight, from the tip of her horn down to the bottom of her hooves. The silence was broken when he finally smiled, and said, “Hello, Princess Twilight.”
Twilight was astonished, shocked to see the former king still alive. “S-Sombra?! But…I-I thought-”
“You thought I was dead, I presume?” he chuckled, showing obvious amusement at the mare’s confusion. “Don’t fret, Princess, everypony thought I was dead. To be honest, for a while, I was dead.”
“But..what happened?”
“Somepony found me. One who took pity on me, gave me life again. Unfortunately, I never got to see them. I found this cave, and pondered what to do. Then, I remembered you. The extraordinary mare who solved all my puzzles using your wit and courage. I’ve been waiting patiently, trying to find the perfect opportunity to lure you here. And here you are.”
“Why would you want me here?”
Sombra pursed his lips for a moment, thinking of an appropriate answer, “Many reasons. You have extraordinary magic skills, and yet, you’re a natural learner. Ever since I first saw you, I was bewildered at your natural skills. The shortest answer to your question would be that I want you. To stand by me, to be my Queen, the pure portion of my crystal heart.”
Hearing this at first, Twilight was astonished, yet turned angry. “You tried to take over a kingdom of scared and hopeless ponies, tortured me using your Nightmare Door, nearly killed my sister-in-law using fatigue, and you expect me to just forgive you?! To join you in whatever evil scheme you’re probably cooking up?!”
Sombra sighed, sounding disappointed. “Oh dear Twilight, you could’ve made everything much easier for yourself had you willingly joined me. I would’ve sworn off evil, just to stay with you. But, unfortunately, you’ve forced my hoof.” His curved horn glowed a green and purple aura as there was a flash, and, right where a dark Magnetite crystal had been a moment ago, was now replaced by a tied up Spike, the baby dragon’s closed eyes holding back tears.
“Spike!” Twilight turned to glare at Sombra. “What did you do to him?!”
“Oh, nothing…yet. I will teleport him back, safe and unscathed, only if you agree to my conditions.”
Twilight lifted an eyebrow. “Which would be…?”
“You let me take over your mind temporarily, become my Queen of Light. Do this, and I will let him go.”
“One more condition – if I let you take over my mind willingly, even if it’s temporarily, you must vow to never harm Spike or anypony else again.”
Sombra was silent for a moment, considering it. As he was silent, he brought something out of his red cape- a glowing light green crystal, attached to a thin, silver line of rope, like a necklace. He sighed. “Fine.” He held his hoof to his chest, where his heart would be. “I, Sombra of the Umbra Ponies, former ruler of the Crystal Kingdom, shall solemnly vow to swear off all acts of evil. I swear to never harm an innocent soul, in order to have one for my own as mine alone.” A white aura surrounded Sombra, then faded away as Spike was teleported. “Now,” he said, using his magic to lift the glowing green crystal pendulum in front of Twilight, “The fun can begin. Are you ready?”
Twilight sighed. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”
Sombra swung the pendulum back and forth, Twilight’s eyes following them, starting to glow green, like the crystal. “Now, nothing exists to you, other than me, and this crystal on a silver wire. Look at it. Isn’t it beautiful?”
As Twilight stared, following the motion of the crystal, she couldn’t take her eyes off of it. Then again, why would she want to? Looking at the beautiful crystal gave her a sense of serenity as her senses started to deteriorate, the calmness and bliss overwhelming her, even when she wanted it to. Soon, the only things that mattered were the beautiful green crystal and the stallion swinging it for her, speaking to her. She felt compelled to answer, to do whatever it would take to pay the kind unicorn back for giving her access to the pure feelings she felt.
Twilight nodded, her eyes glazed over, looking mindless, a dopey grin on her face.
“From now on, you shall obey me, and only me. All that matters to you now is my happiness. After every sentence you say in this state, you will end with ‘I will obey my King’. Is that understood?”
“Yes, I will obey my king.”
“Good. Now, who is my Queen of Light?”
"I am, I will obey my king.”
“Who is your king?”
“You are, I will obey my king.”
“Good. Now that that’s out of the way, I can continue with the fun part- the triggers. When you hear me- and only me- say any of these triggers, you shall do what that trigger’s action is. Let’s begin- whenever I say ‘Dim Star’, you shall fall asleep, wherever you are when I say it. ‘Clear Crystal’ will be your trigger for memory wipe- when I say it, you shall forget everything that happened in the last few hours. When I say ‘Paradise’, you shall immediately relax, no matter the circumstances. When I say ‘Love is in Bloom’, you shall fall madly, head over hooves in love with me, making you believe everything I say for a few hours or days. Finally, when I say, ‘King of Shadows’, you shall go back into this trance, and I shall say ‘Queen of Light’ when you will snap out of your trance. Do you understand?”
Twilight nodded.
“Good, you may awaken, my Queen of Light.”
Twilight blinked several times, her eyes back to normal, looking confused. “That’s it?”
“Yes, for now. You should probably sleep, though.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I’m just saying, you’ve had a long night, you should sleep so you don’t become a Dim Star.”
Twilight looked confused for a moment, then turned drowsy, falling to the floor, curling up, asleep. Sombra laid down beside her, levitating his cape over her, providing her warmth. Looking upon the resting Princess, he smiled, giving her a soft, gentle peck on the forehead. “Goodnight, my shining star.” he whispered as he laid his head down, closing his eyes.
~~~~~~~~
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This was sweet. Will there be a sequel?
Hmm, it doesn't feel very complete. It actually feels like the beginning of something bigger. Like, the first chapter in a longer story.
Also, I get less of a romance vibe from this and more, dark what with the mind manipulation Sombra's doing. Even though she willingly let him in, he's still manipulating her with the subconscious commands he placed, ESPECIALLY the one to force her to fall in love with him.
The spelling and grammar is pretty good, though you do suffer from run on sentences and comma abuse. A good example being the first paragraph here-
It's made up of several long, run on sentences that could probably be broken up and far to many commas.
The pacing also feels, a bit fast, or at least everything happens really quickly.
you did a great job, but I think that twilight fell under a bit to fast... maybe try and make it a bit of a longer induction? you don't have to just some advice for the future. anyway great first piece
I wouldn't get discouraged by the downvotes, I think you should continue this
Before you start worrying about downvotes, its not because of the storyline, that's actually pretty gripping. You just had a lot of run on sentences, wrong use of grammer, and didn't break up the paragraphs correctly. Nothing huge, just a bunch of small mistakes. They can be fixed pretty easy, it'll just take time. If you have another person helping, you'll be more likely to spot the errors.
That said, I really like the hypnotism in there. If you continue this, that could be a big part of the story. The way you ended it makes it seem like its the first chapter or prologue, and I think you can get away with lengthening this out. If you wanted to, of course.
If you want to catch all the small errors, you could probably find an editor. There's tons of people all over fimfiction that are dying to edit stories. All you would need to do is look in the comments of other fictions. There are grammer Nazi's galore, I promise.
~Quasar
I look forward to a sequel.
Don't worry, the down votes are just in merciful people who judge by the grammar or shipping.This is actually pretty original.I encourage you to continue.Show this guy support!Cookie if support!
Cookie = Write Moar!!!! (Please)
Uh...biggest. cliff hanger. EVER!
this is great!
but I really want more.
4915712 I agree.... with you on this one.
I
this story so much! are you going to make a sequel or what? 
5569222 Thank you for the comment!
I'm not quite sure I will do a sequel, though. But if I don't, I will be absolutely sure to do more fics with these two.
5824372 Thanks! I cant get enough of this ship! (and its so hard to find a fic as great as this one)
5825860 You're welcome! I can say if I don't do a sequel to this fic, I will definitely write more of this ship!
Sombra's response to Twilight's immediate reaction to his proposal feels a little off - was he expecting her to go "yes! It's everything I never dared dream of!" ?
It would feel more natural for him to let her think it over and give a considered response rather than taking her first shocked reaction as final - plenty of time to negotiate if she's still against it once she's got used to the idea...
I wish there had been more.
This was nice.
This was good, hope there is a sequel.
it's really good, i hope there's more.
I like it. Although, I feel as though Twilight would put up more of a fight, or run away.
Hmm... I like the concept, though you're gonna want an editor to look over it. There were a few run on sentences and a few redundant sentences that didn't fit or could have been made more effective with different wording.
And like a few others were saying, this could definitely have been longer, or a sequel. Hell, this has potential to be a series if you wanted it. You did say it was rushed though, so I don't blame you for the length. Just put a little more time and thought into your next one, and either you or someone else proof read it to make the necessary edits, and it'll turn out fantastic!