• Member Since 13th Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen April 8th

Reddling Rain


Do you have a moment to talk about BEES?

Comments ( 56 )

I have waited along time for this Nitz :yay:

I never knew Nitz wrote! :pinkiegasp:

I'm surprised a story this good doesn't have many views, it's quite good.

4367847
You're too kind, but I am glad that you find it acceptable :3

SFyr #5 · May 20th, 2014 · · · Web ·

Pretty decent story so far. :twilightsmile: Though something I don't fully get yet is Reddling's stance on Equestria vs. his homeland. He seems to almost hate the latter as well as its practices, yet holds to their views as though what is important to his homeland is important to him. His revenge, for example.
Like... I'm not sure but he may be acting loyal to the homeland he hates and disapproves of. Or, acting as if he approves of their views while now and then stating disapproval with the same.
His motives just seem a little muddy to me sometimes. :twilightsheepish:

4419186
My co-writer has told me they agree 100% with your assessment of "muddy" motives, which is to a minor degree on purpose, but not to the extreme we've taken it. Dread as I do to use the word "soon", soon it should be less muddy.

Thanks for the insights :3

Nice new chapter, I'll have another!

Did he just accept the nightmare?

I hope he did.

Damn, can't wait for more.

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

4621751

Going to have my pre-reader look at the next two chapters tomorrow hopefully o3o

4621820 Wh00t!

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

How did you even manage to publish 26 chapters without getting more than 23 ratings? How is that even possible? I guess I'm just really used to reading popular stories...

4935668

A combination of a dangerous charisma mixed with a putoffish attitude?

Soooo enjoying this story! love it love it love it! :D

5125487

The bats love you too.

Well, except for Reddling, Web, and Lunar. They're just jerks, and don't count.

Good chapter, can't wait for another.

~Crystalline Electrostatic~

Great chapter! :D Still loving the story. Keep up the good work :)

I am inclined to offer you an art would you like an art? PICK A PONY

srs tho. Keep the chapters coming I can't wait for more :3

5132433

I love art, if you feel like art, then feel free :3

I just ask that as long as it's not Reddling, Rainy, or Star Shine, that you give ./u/DiscordDraconequus credit for the character design.

:ajbemused: and of course, hasbro owns everything >.>

---
Next chapter is in the works, and involves Celestia. Ah, Celestia.

Hrmmmm....Web intrigues me greatly...

5257028
I don't think that I can quite describe off the top of my head the amount of empathy I feel for this statement. She's truly an enigma. crazy bats....

Ain't that 'bout a beeyatch.... XD

Ahhhhh! The suspense!!!

I can't decide if Luna should live or die

5286167 Ha! I knew it still existed XD

On a serious note, there are an enormous amount of typos and misusage of certain words...:twilightsheepish: But the story overall is awesome!

5288206

I will be the first to admit that I am a sheit editor

Some typos are on purpose, some are not. I've been trying to get better at them, but I really need to find a cunning linguist to distinguish horse from English.

One challenge at a time though- Hopefully next week I'll have vectorvito starting on vectors for all of the main bats. That's the easy part because someone helping me edit this is hard :ajsleepy:

Edit: Forgot- Thank you for your kind words, by the way<3

Comment posted by Reddling Rain deleted Oct 5th, 2015

Ahh this story is so good I hope to see more.

6833862
Is that a, "post the unproofread chapters?"

Not that I am good at proofreading anyway......

I know how you feel, I've written chapters that totally felt like the worst thing I've ever read. But I don't think this chapter is that bad!

6836414 It's a "I can't wait for updates" :p

I'll proof read those for you though if you want ^_^

6836872
I'm trying to get the next chapter done, but I'm concerned about getting the one /after/ that done. It's one of those longer chapters, aka Nightmares length ish.

6836733
That does make me feel a bit better. Thank you.

6844575 Take your time it's not good to stress yourself out over it! It's a great story I can wait for more~

Oh also lemme know if you want any help proof reading etc.

How you ended the story makes it seem like that there will be a sequel?

7124810

It is possible, but not likely, that I will do a direct sequel. It is entirely dependent upon my co-writer, and more likely that I will reuse characters from here as either convenient background ponies or give them their own (shorter!) stories.

I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do plan to do something with Nightshade, although the other characters involvement will likely be... limited.

7124813
Thank you for answering my question, and I await your future stories!

Afterdark Self-Review

Tl;DR Afterdark sports unique takes how canon characters and you are always given enough lore to understand, but still enough to let your mind wander. However, the story suffers from a world that is effectively dark grey on black morality. The "most good" any character could do is to commit seppuku, and if you don't like a story where there often isn't a good way out, this story probably isn't for you.


Overall: 6.8, D+
Story: 5.5/10 (Passable)
Characters: 7/10 (Mixed bag)
Lore: 8.5/10 (Good)
Grammar/Spelling: 5/10 (Many mistakes, but readable)
Consistency: 9/10 (Good)
Pacing: 6/10 (Sometimes slow)
Bat Ponies: 10/10 (Mangoes)


Afterdark is a story that clearly borrows the best elements of lore related to The Elder Scrolls, World of Warcraft, and various other sources to subvert modern tropes. The ensemble cast of antiheroes (and one villain?) compliments each other to create an action-orientated party that at times lacks heart but never lacks motivation or determination.

Crowning moments of awesome in the story is it's ability to present what seem like obvious dues ex machina and have characters deny or miss this solution due to their personal flaws, useless verbose that wastes your time and is actually a well disguised hint that leave you with fridge horror-- that afterthought of "Wait, oh my god!"

Some characters clearly shined above the others, and the thought put into them really stands out. Web Weaver is a character who at first appears to be your flat Pinkie Pie bat pony of the party--and if she fooled you then she did her job well, because she's really a Cupcakes Pinkie with a great pokerface. While she could easily be an ax-crazy yandere, she manages to stay firmly out in Lawful Evil territory with her fear of punishment if she breaks the rules (Of course, if she can get away with it, then she'll go ahead and do it.

Another character that truly exceeded expectations is Tree Tops, the story's own ensemble darkhorse. Possessing the 3rd most name mentions, Tops becomes a character that we can rely on to give us a clear picture of what is happening simply by observing the madness of others with a look. However, the character rarely verbalizes his full opinion and stays withdrawn, allowing one to draw their own conclusions rather than Tops doing it for you.

However, while many characters may shine in their own special ways, far to many of them appear to lack simple empathy, social skills, and any drop of real charisma at the beginning of the story. Everyone improves in these three departments over time, but by the end of the story the characters still have the persuasiveness of a lima bean. The antiheroes often resort to threatening others in order to get their way (and if that doesn't work, some of them will carry out the threats-- which is more than enough to keep those who might dismiss them on their toes).

A glaring issue of the story that is both an obvious stylistic choice and perhaps it's greatest flaw is the amount of time each character spends speaking.
http://imgur.com/ElhfMnx (Left chart is all characters, right chart excludes Reddling)

Our main character speaks or is mentioned 5200 times. Make no mistake that this is a problem, although also note that "Reddling" does nearly all of the narration for us and is our protagonist. It's normal to expect our protagonist to have more lines than supporting characters-- in fact, they wouldn't be a protagonist if they didn't. There are exceptions of course, but in general you don't deviate from this formula in a novel.

However, the issue arises that the rest of the characters are left seemingly skinny in terms of how much they are used (with the exception of Web). This does actually lead to a dilemma, which is that there are perhaps too many characters. Although they all get their turn in the spotlight, there are still others that possess more. It leaves us wondering if the problems and things faced could have been combined into a cast of 4 or fewer main characters-- does the core story still work without any of them? For instance, Tree Tops and Midnight Tales could have been combined to make a new character-- called Midnight Tales. In fact, of all the characters Midnight is the one that is probably the most wanting and neglected in terms of development-- roles that he could have filled in the story are instead given to characters somewhat better fitted to that niche, but leaving him without his own element.

Bruiser is a character that I'm not sure counted as part of the main cast or simply a supporting background character-- he seemed to have been mostly written out after the 20th chapter, and barely made any notable appearances or accomplishments afterwards.

What really turns characterization into a mixed bag in this story is Reddling. While he serves his role well and is able to firmly establish that this Equestira is not as nice as the one we might think we're walking into, he is very frustrating. He has a tendency to monologue (forgivable, as literally every character sans Bruiser and Tops will monologue if they have the chance to and no one shuts them the heck up). Reddling and co. have plot armor thicker than their skulls (which is setting the bar pretty high) allowing them to cheat death. The only thing that redeems this is Reddling's Nightmare Power, Intuition. but, we don't really know at what point this talent manifests itself, or why such a pragmatic character doesn't abuse the hell out of it.

plot armor thicker than their skulls (which is setting the bar pretty high)

Oh.

While Afterdark should leave you feeling satisfied, it is clear there is much room to grow and become better.

Thanks for reading everyone, if you got this far. It's been one heck of a ride, and hopefully the next time you see bats, I'll be a better writer. I do not know which direction the story goes from here, but it is likely that Web or Nightshade (not together) will be the star, with Cobalt Flare or Nightshade doing the narration.

More to come on Moth ponies vs. Changelings, Luna's history with Silverfield, and of course The Nightmare. But until then...

10/10 would read again.
As I have previously said on a few other stories, some fictions truly make you want to stay where ever you are and read the story, all just for the pure fact of reading a magnificent work of writing.
Great work, and I'm hoping you make a sequel :) (even if no squel is made, I'll still probably read whatever else you write)

The church in Silverfield must be run by madponies if they think they can kill an Alicorn.

Interesting backstory for Reddlings homeland. I know that this story can deviate from the canon but I still want to mention that the canon implies that only Pegasus ponies undergo such a change and earth ponies and unicorns don't change as much and don't get wings.

It seems that Reddling wasn't given the opportunity to deal with the emotional pain caused by his mutilation.

The problems with security are intentional because Queen Chrysalis doesn't want any security. Of course after narrowly defeating Celestia she immediately believes that she is invincible which causes her defeat.

Diplomacy will not be effective while Chrysalis is alive because she chose for war as a first option and will therefore be unwilling to negotiate. Besides the ponies of Equestria would not accept any agreement that doesn't punish Chrysalis.

Rainy is unaware of this but the fact is that Equestria is morally and ethically a better country than Silverfield. I'm looking forward to reading your chapter about Silverfield itself because most of the animosity towards Equestria is based on the fact that they had a conflict over 1000 years ago.

I am stopping with this story there is to much dark intrigue and general darkness. Besides Reddling as the non-Equestrian seems to be the one following the values from the show the most. Besides I don't think a changeling could actually raise the sun because the changelings don't know the spells to raise the sun and the moon.

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