My name is Night, and this is my story. My story is full of loss and death, but dont leave yet there are happy parts too. Im an alicorn my mother is luna. You havent heard of me because of what happened to mother 1000 years ago. since then i have just watched crying, but now the story must come out... for sis
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Hm, well... Yes... I can see what you're trying for.
Unfortunately, the execution is bad. Like, very bad.
You need an editor and at least one proofreader. (Trust me, everyone does)
Okay, gotta stop you right there.
That is a schoolbook example of how NOT to write a first paragraph. The grammar is subpar and the entire setup feels uninteresting.
Moving on: I fear your OC Night is a Mary Sue. You know what a Mary Sue is, right? If not: let me google that for you. Anyways, I found that she seems to be a fairly typical Sympathetic Sue as well as an Offspring Sue. Obviously, this is something you don't want. So I'd recommend redesigning the OC from the ground up. (If you want to, I can act as a consultant)
Remember: take my advice with a grain of salt, and the harsh critique is always the good one.
4169760 my character is telling the story so sorry but look im trying to get an editor and trust me my character is not a mary sue he is actually mildly insane as youll see later and ive had this oc in mind for a while i just never got around to writing it
Hi! Thanks! I enjoyed the story! I hope you'll continue, because I'm really interested. And if you want, I'll be your editor.
And don't let people hurt your feelings. Everyone has their own writing style. Some people just don't understand that. And the harsh critique isn't always right, nor is the soft. It's the gentle, but stern critique that makes things right.
4169760 also do you have anything positive to say
4170284 Ah, um...
I'm trying, but what good I can see is potentional; that you can turn the story into something good. But in its current state, sorry...
4172104 good enough
I
THIS story, I love the way you've started it up! I see a lot of potential in the future and I'll be watching it closely! If people start getting you down, just remember, you write for your own enjoyment and people who love reading it! 
-Silver Haze
4956140 really you liked it?
4956140
4170113
thanks its people like you that give me a reason to keep writing expect chapter 2 within a month
4956206 Yep, It was a great story! I really enjoyed it, it was an interesting new take on the cannon events.
4169797
1. Use proper punctuation. Gussying up your sentences with commas, periods, and capitalization in the right place go a long way with people.
2.
These two statements are incompatible. Making a character, particularly a "dark and edgy" protagonist, inexplicably insane brings them deeper into Mary Sue territory rather than pulling them out, especially if you don't have a firm, thoroughly researched grasp on what mentally ill people act like (Hint: TV, movies, and most video games are not accurate.)
3. The largest area of pitfall I see with this story is the idea itself. I've just seen far too many stories that were trying way to hard to be edgy to give this any credit for the premise, and the execution itself isn't so great either.
The reason the execution mostly fails is because of the titular main character. Not only is Night not interesting on his own merits, but he falls way too well. I have seen the "I'm the son of Luna/Celestia and I'm a depressed, brooding alicorn with a dark past" bit literally dozens of times and to wit no one has pulled it off.
In addition, your grammar can be shoddy at points, especially with run on sentences. Grammar may seem like a minor point, but it is the most basic level of presentation and in any skill, especially prose, the basics must be mastered before the complicated bits, such as story structure, theme dynamics, narrator tone, and genre tropes, can be properly utilized.
4. In conclusion, If I'm to be honest with you, I can't objectively say this is a good or even intriguing story. I'm not trying to pick on you or insult you, but there's just not that much interesting to work with here. My advice would be to start with a fresher idea for your OC and their struggles.
For instance, instead of an alicorn with a deity for a parent, try something simpler like perhaps an earth pony farm guy/gal who has to gets a scholarship to Manehattan University and has to transition to living in the big city. People like to read stories that they can relate to more as real people.
There's a term in artistic mediums called "Suspension of Disbelief" which refers to how far out of the ordinary your story can get before your audience loses attention out of either confusion or just not liking the story. Ideally, you want to keep this suspension low. A farm guy/gal moving to the big city is fairly realistic. Hell, it is the exact situation one of my friends was in upon moving to college. It's even possible to fudge it here and there with, something just barely out of the ordinary, like luckily stumbling on a $50 bit. However, having an alicorn prince named Night who is the son of Luna is just too much for that suspension of disbelief to bear.
Well, I hope this helped. Sorry if I seemed stern, but I don't sugar coat anything. At least I didn't curse like my inner sailor was telling me to this whole time.
4956603 can you brake that down i really hate long comments im not trying to be a douche but i cant hold my attention long enough to read that
4956603 hang on i just read some of it my OC is an OC i have had in my mind before the fandom got as big as it is today so im sorry but just like i told the last person who told me to abandon this, I'm sticking to my story if you can help me improve the grammar that would be lovely though
4957477
Why not just read it in sections? I did put numbered section breaks after all.
4957490
I realize the OC has been in your head a while, but the fact remains that we've all seen this a thousand times before. It's not even like overly dark alicorns who are offsprings of a famous alicorn is a new fad of bad. This has been a bad story cliche pretty much since the inception of MLP fanfiction. Even if you thought of this a year or so ago, the concept is dated and has nothing going for it.
If you want to continue on this then alright I suppose. It's not hurting anyone and it'd only be your time in the sink, but I will stick by my warning that this story is doomed to fail on it's total breaking of suspension of disbelief and all the perfected grammar in the world won't be able to save it from that. A polished bin full of rubbish is still a bin full of rubbish.
4957521 i love dated things(that is why I'm a 16 year old with an N64) because people forget about things once there dated then when some one new joins they have no clue if its dated so they possibly sit down and read it maybe they like it maybe they don't you see what I'm saying
4956542 thanks your my new favorite person on this site
4957533
I think you're confusing the term dated with vintage. What you just described is something vintage, not dated. I can appreciate vintage things too, seeing how history is soon to become my career. However, vintage differs from dated in that vintage was genuinely good or useful at the time it existed in the mainstream, like for instance a '68 model Ford Mustang.
Dated refers to things that were either not good when they came out or things that aged so poorly that they seem cheesy, cliche, or just plain bad. An example of dated would be, building off of your Nintendo 64 example above, if a modern game decided out of the blue to bring back some annoying quirk from the old days, like for instance limited lives. Lives are an obsolete construct from the time when video games by and large only existed in arcades where, due to demand, you had to have a way of limiting the amount of turns each player could get. In a modern game, however, it would just get plain annoying if you had to pay the Microsoft point equivalent of a quarter or two for every three times you died to keep playing.
4957557 o.k how about a game cube plenty of people don't like that or the game boy color do you remember that or Plymouth super bird(I'm trying to make that my first car was it a good car) how about the first model of DS i know i have something dated in my room ooh got it 1998 godzilla good movie dont know why people dont like it and some people like a cliché story now and then
4957574
I'm confused... Are you trying to list dated things? If so most of those aren't dated. Their just vintage, with the exception of Godzilla '98 (and if you want an explanation of just why it's bad I could go into it, but it would take a while).
Generally, things that are dated are concepts rather than physical objects. You ever hear someone say the phrase "chivalry is dead"? They're basically saying the system of gentlemanly conduct itself is dated and obsolete (it isn't, but that's a whole different discussion).
4957592 honestly i was listing old stuff in my room wondering whats dated
4959566
Well, like I said, it's usually ideas and themes that are dated rather than items.
4170113 I get you're trying to stay positive about this sad excuse for a story, but do remember that without negative criticism, you can't improve. Blocking your ears, yelling haters and deleting comments just hurts you in the long run.
4961668 i understand but i also know the difference between negative criticism and being a dick and you sir are a dick have a nice day
4169797 Nothing against this story, but am I the only one who thinks Luna can have a happy child who isn't an Alicorn that dies happy and of old age hundreds of years before Nightmare Moon?
4968712 Yes, you'll find that according to your terms most people would be a dick, then.
This is unrelated but
ma'am*.
i.imgur.com/TIXJCDb.png
Is there a way to file complaint forms on this site?
4959566
How to explain "dated"...
Hmmm...
Okay. The N64 isn't dated, because it was great in it's day and still is good today. Why do you think Nintendo keeps remaking games from the N64, like Mario 64 (for the DS), Mario Party (now an endless series), and Ocarina of Time (Now on the 3DS)? It's because they're GOOD.
On the other hand, things like High School Musical are dated. They may have once been popular, but they aren't good, and 20 years from now no one will be talking about them.
Judging Fics by Their Covers: My Impression of Your Description
Part 5 of 9999: Good Night!
First off, there's nothing wrong with Alicorn OCs... if the story isn't cliche and the grammar is good. Unfortunately, this story sounds pretty cliche: Alicorn, Child of Luna, bitter, etc.
I'm not one to talk, since my story Waiting for
Infinity is cliche, but I was trying to make something good out of a badfic cliche (and didn't quite succeed, but hey).
Grammar: " Im an alicorn my mother is luna. since then i have just watched crying, but now the story must come out... for sis"
Capitalization, apostrophes, and commas are all missing. These are just shoddy run-on sentences.
Calling critics dicks when they specifically said to listen to critics and not call them haters. Okay, that isn't in the description but I wanted to mention it.
Impression: 791/2563
4971646 sorry ma'am
4973091
Ask Knighty nicely and show him a few of these kinds of fics. If that doesn't do it, nothing will.
stop commenting the story is done never writing again ok
This story is like the Bay of Pigs Invasion... Poorly Planned. Poorly executed, and a total waste of resources.