Pinkie Pie takes her own life, because she cannot take the pain of trying to smile each day.
Only Rainbow Dash has a chance at saving her will she make it in time?
Chapters (1)
fluttershy217
Joined 26th Apr, 2013 ·
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please write more
3374001 Brain, why do you feel the need to correct all the grammar mistakes.
Seriously though this is the worst grammar I have ever seen in a story and it feels a bit rushed as well. Just so you know.
Yes it made it my first story dont be to harsh
3374027 thank you for bringing that to my attention im an ADHD child i cant keep my focus and english is my worst subject
3374034 is the description better now
3374205
Yes, It is better.
Ill try it, I guess...
3374346 SPOILER ALERT DAT
BRO SOME OF US HAVEN'T REACHED THE ENDING
3374160 I'm an ADHD child too. English is my most hated subject as well. But It's no excuse. If you want your story to be heard and appreciated you have to work harder. If it means so much to you, you will spend that extra hour, two, three hours, however long, to edit your story.
Just because we have ADHD doesn't mean we have to make it our excuse to not write well. It might be harder, but you know when you publish a fic that you tried your hardest and put your heart into it.
With that said, this story does need a lot of help with its grammar and sentence structure. I'm an editor, and I'd like to help you. Will you let me help you?
Sob
3374412 thank you for your advise and i dont hate english i love that class im just no good at it i read the thing twice it seemed fine
3374412 and help would be great
3374522 i know how you feel i cried writing it
Let me just say something to the people giving negative feedback I dont give a sh*t so stfu
Fun fact Rainbow Dash is in the picture above the ear top cloud zoom in
3374780 you're welcome
oh, I guess I wasn't specific, derp, I love English. I love reading and analyzing the things we read and doing all sorts of fun projects, but when it comes to writing essays... I suck. So English hates me. I get that feeling, you love something so much, yet you just can't seem to do it.
hmm, you may have "story in my head" syndrome. In your head the story works out brilliantly, you can see how everything plays out perfectly. so when you write it, some important stuff that you already know gets left out. That's why when you go over it, it seems fine. you have to read what you write like you have no idea what it is.
Like I said, I'd love to help, but we need a starting point. Do you have a gmail account, where we could possibly share a gdoc? (so its easier to communicate and edit at the same time) Why don't you send me a private message.
3375852 look i indirecly borrowed stuff from othe fanfiction the loss of a friend is the reason http://www.deviantart.com/morelikethis/291357753 watch
3374013 i might
3379973 ok
3374346 thats not wrong i take great joy from seeing cupcakes
It's pretty good for your first time. However, you need to jump into the character. Do what they do. Think what they think. Feel what they feel. Look in their eyes. It makes the story more realistic and capturing. You don't have to take my advice if you don't want to, though. It's your story, after all. I think I might try my first story sometime soon. Keep writing more! I'll be waiting! DON'T LEAVE, PINKIE PIE!!!
3452635 despite my username im a sick minded bastard
3474458 i had an image like that in my head
3374205
*eye twitch*
i39.tinypic.com/24noen9.png
Guess who was just about to read the story..
3562900 dude i did not delete that comment i sware it wasnt me
3771998
..The ownly two people who CAN are you and me sooo
3772479 i leave my account logged on when i get on a computer so any one who got on this site on the same computer as me could have done it
Stuuuupid, this is so stuuuuupid, this is so stuuuuuuuupid, what in the fuuuuuck!
The amount of grammar and spelling mistakes made me sick to my stomach
. Get the editor and proofread you so desperately need.
4157871 i plan on it next time but you dont have to be such a dick
4153624 your a dick
4154835 i under stand that i have an editor now and yeah i am a prick to people who go out of their way to give hate comments
4159153
Sir, have you heard of a mythical concept known as English Class? Quite wonderful, really.
You don't care, so you're taking time out to call us all dicks?
Nice job there buddy.
I cried reading it. In fact, I cried for two days. It sucked so much it hurt my eyes.
3374412
3374412
Hands clapping so fucking loud for this! Well put.
So, I have a rule that if I down vote a story and dislike it, I usually explain why I did and give tips on how the writer can improve it. I was about to do so, when I saw that (a) some comments were deleted, and (b) these:
3374828
4159153
Listening to negative feedback is part of being a writer. People telling you what is wrong with a story is just as important as telling you what is good in it. Deleting there comments and "being a prick" proves that you don't care about improving in writing and just want someone to kiss your ass, and if that is so, then you are writing for the wrong reasons.
Anyways, I'm not going to bother putting why I down voted this since you'll just either delete the comment or ignore my opinion.
4162812 you misunderstand i am improving as we speak im writing another story and did you read sigmas comment if not do so now i dont like that kind of negative comments yours and insanitycorps are acceptable if someone goes out of there way to say something like sigma did then i get pissed off if someone is correcting me im ok with it
4164753
I know. I read Sigma's comments. I'm also a colleague of his on Rage Reviews, and while I am going to admit he could have put it more eloquently, he does have a point. This story is seriously flawed at the core level. Even if he was just trolling (which he isn't judging from past experience as well as a first hand reading of this fic), part of being a writer is just ignoring any insults thrown at your work and digging deep enough into them to salvage useful information.
That said, you've proven you're at least not hostile to the point of deletion of my comment, so I will give a short critique of the holes that I see that need patching.
First, there's the grammar. This is pretty erroneous on sentence structure and spelling, but others have mentioned that so I won't harp on it. Besides a good proof reading team will fix that.
Second, the pacing. This is so terribly rushed. Hell, the first paragraph alone could be a whole damned chapter if written well. If you don't take time to let your scenes breathe, then we don't have time for the characters or scenes to develop, and then we don't have any attachment to them, which makes the whole slog boring.
Third, characters. There is a lack of them. These characters are written so wrong relative to their canon personality. Take Pinkie for instance. Why is she sad? Well, it never directly says. It just says she didn't want to go on smiling, and for her to commit suicide, it has to be a far better reason than that. I said something related to this in the comments of the rage review.
That's about it that I can think of. I also understand that you are ADHD, and believe me, I feel you. I was much worse about it in my childhood, though I've learned to control my attention and hyperactivity. However, just because you have it doesn't give you a free pass for these errors. ADHD is surmountable and, if you really love to write, you will give the effort to overcome it and write well. Just keep fighting.
4159464
this is gonna be the highlight of my entire week now.
That is an awesome song, and I need I go buy it on iTunes now, thanks for showing it to me.
4162761
I feel so good about myself right now
4165235 ok if i deleted those comments it was an accident and im sorry im going to delete this story its just becoming a bad memory which is hurting my self esteem
3379986 good news your my favorite person so im going to tell you this im writing another story
4165382 ok and yay
4165391 just be patient
4165551 ok