Not quite sure what to put here. MIT student who likes writing. Yeah. Oh, and thanks to kittyhasnosoul for the cover.
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“We are here to pay our respects to one filly, a pony who had a heart of gold…”
The same day Scootaloo got her cutie mark, an unexpected event led to the death of one of her friends. Can life ever be the same for her, when in her mind she feels it was her fault? Can a ray of hope, a glimmer of happiness rise up from the Depths of Sorrow?
My first attempt at a Sad fic. Comments appreciated!
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So sad.
3922266 Glad to know my story made someone sad.
...
...
I think that came out wrong.
I'm glad the story did what it set out to do, at least for one reader.
There, I think that's better.
Hmm, this didn't work too well for me as a sad fic. Which means that I didn't feel the level of sadness that Scootaloo was feeling as she cried, which in turn creates a sort of dissonance that causes the 'Sad' genre to lose its purpose. Here's why I don't think it works too well for me as a reader:
I feel that the tragedy of Apple Blooms' death doesn't have the impact that it should on the reader. For her death to have had more impact, I would recommend trying to get the readers to understand some of the intricacies of their friendship prior to having her lose her life. See, as you have written it here, the sadness that is evoked is entirely based on how we as readers know the characters from the show, and how we expect Scoots and SB would feel if AB died. After we are hit with that sadness, you went and expanded upon the situation and the CMC's characters a bit, giving us the reason for why it's more sad than we originally interpreted it, and why Scootaloo blames herself so much. And this is well after the reader has interpreted that sadness, so it has far less impact than it should. I feel as though the impact of AB dying would be better served by being revealed midway through the story rather than at the beginning. After cuing the readers into the context of the CMCs relationship beyond what it is in the canon from the show, you will then have more impact with a sudden change happening to a character (death or otherwise). I think with the way it's set up, the readers are only going to be particularly sad because of how they see the characters in the show, rather than how they see the characters due to your writing. Basically, I think you need to work on hooking your reader in with your characters and context before introducing such a huge change, because if we aren't on the same empathetic level as Scootaloo in this case, we really aren't going to feel as much sadness or meaning from AB's death.
I hope that makes some sense.
Now, beyond that I'll point out a few minor things that stood out:
I felt your characters stuttered a bit too much. I'd recommend cutting out on that and perhaps adding in some actions as SB and Scoots interact, Maybe a sniffle, or Scootaloo fiercely scrubbing away her tears in between a sentence. Perhaps how they interact with visual cues or how they move around their environment. Small things like that.
Also, I don't think Celestia would stutter. She'd be sad, yes, but I think after all her years, she'd present herself as strong, and able to speak the eulogy with a certain mask of grace and solemn tranquility.
The grammar was fine though, so no trouble on that front.
Thanks for writing. I enjoyed reading it well enough just based on the fact that it involved the CMC. I hope that writing this was an enjoyable experience for you and you learned a fair amount from creating it.
~SilentBelle
3923265 Thanks, and I think I understand. I appreciate the time it took you to write that comment as well as the feedback. I'll see if I can do better in my next sad fic (assuming I, um, finish my other ones
).
I think I did learn quite a bit, but I believe a large part of it arose from your comment. Thanks again!
It was so cute at the end and I liked the way scootaloo got her cutie and I really like the begining with celestia crying . Over all just an great story. High reread factor for me
damn man... very sad
