One Nightmare Night the Cutie Mark Crusaders decide to stay out too late and take a fateful walk down the path to Fluttershy's house at the edge of the Everfree Forest. After getting turned around and wandering for hours, the three find a stranger in the Forest that knows the path back to Ponyville. However, the price to pay is a terrible curse on Sweetie Belle, one that threatens to ruin her life and the lives of her best friends. Despite that, the curse may have a chance to bring the Crusaders closer than ever before.
Chapters (6)
Hmm....sounds interesting.
Will read later.
Dear Caffeinated Pony,
I have read your story and as usual,
I will make a commentary about it.
First, what I like:
It's a nice little introduction in a Werwolf, Werpony, uhm you know what I mean, story.
The first person perspective is good.
Your main character Sweetie Belle is a good choice for it.
The whole build up is on the point for me.
But a few minor flaws are driving me out of the story.
First, why would the three didn't tell anybody about the curse?
And no I didn't mean to question it, but they've seen the fast healing process
and are not confused about it?
Even if they are heading home or in the hospital together,
Rarity would questions them what simply had happened.
I half presumed, that Sweetie Belle would be under guidance
from the magical Uni- or Alicorn Twilight at this point.
Or is still in the hospital for treatment or monitoring.
Bites are very dangerous and the doctors are knowng it, so monitring and really good treatment is applied.
Back to Twilight.
She knows many thing about curses and the Cutie Mark Crusders
have heard the strange prophecy,
so they have to question her friend or mentor about it.
Yes it's just an introduction for the story, but a few things could be better, I think.
Sorry for my nitpicking.
I have enjoyed the good perspective
and the interesting ideas behind your story.
Yours Lethrael
7414435
See now this is the kind of comment that I like to see when I log in! I appreciate this level of feedback a lot more than most others. Things that question me on how I'm writing the story and what I intend to do with the whole thing.
Of course I can't answer it all without spoiling everything, but in regards to telling an adult, the CMC have already told Rarity as of the start of the second chapter, but hadn't at the end of the first. The other two Crusaders are nervous for their friend, hoping that it'll be okay even if it most likely won't be. Of course upon seeing her again they won't share that optimism, and they tell her older sister what happened now that they are in over their heads. Much like any teens, they don't want to admit their mistakes and foolishness until they have to, and Sweetie had seemed mostly fine besides fainting. That could be attributed to the sight of blood, though (much like her older, more theatrical sister). Her friends were in denial about it at the end of chapter one, like anyone going through a harrowing event. By chapter two, they realize it would be terrible for Sweetie to not tell somepony.
Thank you for your comment! I appreciate it.
Why do you have an Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and a Scootaloo tag and a Cutie Mark Crusaders tag? Isn't that a bit redundant?
7415908
I would interpret it more as verbosity, which is the point of tagging.
7414435 wait I thought this was a vamp pony story
7416071
It is friend
Soon Sweetie's mane will grow out in horrific 80's style. She's a Whampire.
What's interesting is how non-plussed everyone is about Sweetie's situation. The only one who had anything approching panic or wariness was Twilight (and that's interesting in itself : Why panic when you are the only one with informations and who knows what to expect ? ... Or on the contrary , she felt fear BECAUSE she knows what to expect)
I mean , unless she has enough informations to be sure (and she said that informations on vamponies were limited) , it seems awfully risky to let a soon to be vampony stay with her family and friends like this without containment. (Since theorically , the full vampire transformation could cause something like a mindless bloodlust or something , and given the pack of information they couldn't know it)
At the same time , if she knows Sweetie is harmless , then why fear her ?
The major problem however is that everyone is much to calm about everything.
Scootaloo , I can understand her trying to play it cool but still..
Rarity is a known "drama queen" yet she dont even say anything about the Crusaders losing their way and potentially putting themselves in danger , nor does she panic about what could be a potentialy lifechanging situation for her sister.
But the worst offender here is Applebloom , she basically killed someone in the first chapter and do not seem to even think anything of it. That's a fine reaction if your version of AB is somehow a professional killer accustomed to death , but for a filly it seems a bit strange , especially since killing isn't usually portrayed as a pony "value".
If she was in shock it could have been fine for her not to react , but this doesn't seem to the case. (On a related thing , either vamponies are weak in your lore or this one was incredibely weakened , because he seemed really easy to kill)
Anyway , that's my various 2cents about the story right now , don't know if it's usefull but at least it's something.
I'm glad Twilight realized she was being kind of a jerk to Sweetie.
Sweetie's trials with the sunlight made me think of The Two Deaths of Fluttershy, in which Celestia ends up changing the security codes on the Sun to exclude vampony-Fluttershy from ill effects.
Hopefully she can get some advice from her long-lived Princesses on how to cope with the longevity thing. Though honestly I don't think the "immortality blues" would be as bad as a lot of fiction makes it out to be.
Heh , why am I not surprised that they are going to try to live forever to stay together ?
One thing surprising me however is the fact that they are going to try to keep it a secret.
I mean , it's Ponyville , they had worse !
They could simple say the truth while pretending that Sweetie can't turn anyone to prevend any immortality seeker from searching her for that.
It would at least be a whole lot simpler for Sweetie , because she then would be less isolated (because she could talk to the townfolk without her cover story getting in the way) , continue school and have more people to potentially feed from.
Yes , reactions from ponies are unpredictable , but that's the town that's home of 6 nationnal heroes (one being an immortal godlike figure) , a reformed god of chaos (and an ex-tyran who did a lot of damage) , a dragon and a reformed vicious time-traveler... I think they can handle a cute vampire filly
Cutie Mark Crusaders Necromancers! HOORAY!
Wait that's it?
But...what happens?
Does Twilight find a cure?
Do they end up all becoming vampires?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?!?!?
7432241
Unfortunately I was pressed for time making this fic, so it had to be cut just a tad short. However if you would like me to write a sequel I would be more than happy to! I already have the plot outline somewhere on my desk. I just wanted to wait and see if anyone was interested in me going on with it, instead of perhaps going on to write something else.
7432356
Please sequel it. I love me some good vampire fics, but it's so hard to find good ones on the internet. So many of them are just super edgy shit, or twilight shit.
plz more
Aye, I'd really love to read a sequel. It's rare to find a vampire story that isn't just "omg, I have to hide from everyone while I turn into a rampaging monster with depression"
Pleas do write a sequel I loved this story.
Yes more, especially since this felt like it was left hanging a bit...
7416514 #Whamponys
Fourth wall break all the way! So much fun it is fourth wall break all the way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Welcome Clopers to Sweetie-clop!!!
7422728 To bad she still is.
Heck yes I'd read a sequel.
SEQUEL! THE SEQUEL! NEED, THE SEQUEL, NNOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7449813 please?
This story still needs a reaction from Celestia. A sequel needs to happen for that reason alone.
That was a great read, not perfect but still a load of darkly cute fun. Think I'll jump right into the sequel.
I need more!
Continuation!
Another!
Moar!
I am just curious, what is the romance tag for?
Oh my fuck, it's an email curse.
Assuming 0.7Gal of blood (same as an 80 lb child), lightheadedness means Sweetie drank between 8 and 15% of AB's blood (likely on the lower end since she doesn't seem to be suffering from hemorrhaging). Sweetie therefore drank about 0.07 Gallons of blood. Since 7 days on 1 Gallon is a normal amount (via Twi), Sweetie therefore has drank enough blood for half of a single day.
Since that's about half a pint, it's possible for the two other CMC to each feed Sweetie once per day and still regenerate the lost blood before the next feeding.
What the hell where did this shit come from. What is this romance shit. What
Vampirism is the #1 cause of accidental mind control romance. Get diagnosed today!
Kind of like this entire fic UP TOP
...you DID hear the part where AB consented and SB didn't hurt her, right? No? Okay whatever I guess. I guess not every Fluttershy can be animal-savvy Fluttershy who actually respects nature and alternate eating habits. Bitch probably kills mosquitos instead of inviting them to tea.
"All of her internal organs are gone. Lemme just reverse that."
Uhhhh Twilight wat?
Rarity understanding function over form? How could you write Fluttershy so poorly and yet nail such a crucial aspect of Rarity??
Cutie Mark Crusaders Immortality Chasers yay
Liar, you went to see Fakershy.
Yeah you should knoe that the author is not good at romance.
Blech.
Over all, it was... fine.
Another AU of hypocritical friendship.
10813456
I'm serious. It's a not the first time I've come a cross such fanfiction. No, well, if you put in the main characters of the show, then let them mach their characters and virtues.
If you insert Twilight - the princess of friendship, then let it mach and be the princess of friendship, that is, the best of friends. But what do we get? A paranoid fool who is unable to understand that in front of her is not a monster, but a child who fears himself more than Twilight.
Wow. We now have hypocritical kindness and generosity. It remains to find a deceitful honesty and loyalty that throws your loved ones! And yes. Here I am right, because:
1) "Either you are kind to everyone, or you are a hypocrite"- Idonotrememberwho;
2) "If you have even a little generosity, than share your love bitch with your sister!"- I.
8099342
comment necromancy yay
"My night was at an end, and it was time to hide myself away until the moonlight shone again." I love this sentence.
Hmm. Considering the whole Flutterbat thing, I was hoping for a pretty understanding Fluttershy, tho im sure the drinking blood thing threw her for a loop :/