• Published 5th Feb 2014
  • 3,925 Views, 21 Comments

Flutterbat of Ponyville - Guardian Talon

Fluttershy is still a bat-pony. Everypony is ok with that.

  • ...


Applejack trotted through the library door. "I'm here. Now can somepony tell me what this is all about?"

Twilight turned towards the stairs. "Ok, Fluttershy, everypony's here. You can come down now."

Dash put down the book she was reading and joined the others in watching to see what was happening.

Slowly Fluttershy walked down into the room. It was a few seconds after her wings were visible that she made it to the floor and heard a gasp. When she turned to look, her red eyes and sharp fangs got a bigger reaction.

Pinkie jumped into the air, pointing at her. "IT'S THE RETURN OF THE FLUTTERBAT!"

Dash got to her hooves. "She's trapped. I'll grab her. Twilight get your spell ready."

Both of them were grabbed out of the air and set back down by Twilight's magic. "Calm down. It's ok, she's not like she was in the orchard."

"Well I ain't so convinced." Applejack said as she held up an apple in her hoof. "Look, her eyes went right to it. You want this here apple don't you?"

Fluttershy was still crouched down from preparing to be tackled by her oldest friend, but her focus was on the apple closer to the door. "Well, um... it does look really tasty."

Twilight turned to her farmer friend. "Applejack! It took a lot of courage on her part to come here an tell everypony about this. And you're going to taunt her with food before she has a chance to explain?"

Applejack's head and ears lowered. "You're right. I'm sorry sugarcube." She glanced at the apple in her hoof. "Um, here. I did kinda offer it to you." She tossed the apple in a gentle arc.

Fluttershy stood up and watched the juicy morsel heading right towards her. Until Her tongue shot out and pulled the apple into her mouth. Her friends watched as she happily drained the fruit of it's juices. When she finished and saw them watching she started to blush and tried to hide behind her mane. She quickly trotted to the kitchen to dispose of the remains.

Dash was the first one to say anything. "That was actually pretty cool, watching her snag it out of the air like that."

Rarity turned to Twilight. "But how did this happen? She was perfectly find just yesterday. Did your reverse spell wear off somehow?"

"I don't know what went wrong with the spell. She has actually been like this all week. It's just that she has some control over it to make herself look normal."

"Oh my, the poor dear." Rarity held a hoof to her muzzle for a moment. "But you can fix this, right?"

"We've agreed not to try anything until she's comfortable that I've found something that should work for good. She seems to be ok with it and is adapting well." Twilight leaned to the side at seeing her friend return. "Isn't that right, Fluttershy?"

Fluttershy smiled softly and gave a small nod. "It's not all bad and I only look like this right now because Twilight said it would help if everypony sees that I can still control myself."

Applejack walked up to her. "I'll admit I shouldn't have taunted you with that apple. But you can't really expect us to believe you're all ok and nothing has changed. Not after what we all just saw."

She looked down and started rubbing her fetlock against her cannon. "Well there are a few changes I have to deal with. I have to buy more fruit at the market and I'm still trying to find a comfortable time to sleep."

Applejack lifted Fluttershy's chin so they were eye to eye. "I'm worried about you, we all are." She looked over her shoulder. "Ain't that right girls?" There was a chorus of agreements from the others. She put her head down with her ears back. "If I had just listened to you at the start, none of this would have happened."

Fluttershy hugged her friend. "I don't blame anypony for what happened. I'm just happy to have such good friends that care about me, even when I'm like this." She let go and sat down. "But I'll be fine, really. The animals know it's still me and I really can control myself. I just didn't want such a juicy apple to hit the floor and go to waste."

Applejack gave a small nod. "If you say so." She let out a small laugh. "Sometimes you're too kind for your own good, you know that?"

Dash was suddenly hovering beside them. "Enough with the feelings and mushy stuff. Does this mean you can still fly like you did that night? It would be awesome to see what you can do during the day, so I can... you know... actually see it."

Fluttershy shuffled back a couple steps and looked up at her flying friend. "I-I don't know. I still don't remember much from that night. I think I have gotten a little better from the exercise before going to bed in the morning."

Dash zipped around the room in excitement. "Sweet. We have totally got to get you in the air like this. Sometime when you can show me what kind of moves you've got now."

Pinkie started bouncing. "Oh does this mean I can throw a 'Fluttershy is a bat-pony' party?"

Fluttershy gasped and crouched down with a terrified look on her face. "Please don't."

"Oh, ok." For a split second, Pinkie looked not happy, before her normal smile returned. "What if it's just us?"

Fluttershy started to recover from her fear of being found out by the whole town. "I guess that would be ok. I mean, if you really want to."

Pinkie started bouncing again. "This gives me another chance to use Nightmare Night decorations. I'll have to bake something with fruit juice and get some fruit punch..."

Pinkie continued with her party ideas. Rainbow examined her friend's new wings. Rarity contemplated new fashion designs. Applejack and Fluttershy talked about the apples and the bats.

Twilight simply sat back with a smile on her face and watched her friends be happy. I really shouldn't consider something like this to be just a part of everyday life. The ponies who live in this town must be crazy. Oh wait, I live in this town. She joined her friends as they enjoyed the rest of the day together, almost like nothing had happened.

Author's Note:

Original? No not really, just my take on the idea. It's actually practice and learning for a different and bigger story. That in mind I would like my criticism the old fashion way... Brutally.

Over 3000 words? If I told any of my old English teachers that I made this, they wouldn't believe me.

Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 18 )

I know you said you wanted brutal criticism, but I didn't really see anything wrong. It might be because I am not the best at writing myself though.

I like the idea I haven't really read many flutterbat stories, so the idea seems new to me. Keep it up. :pinkiesmile:

Good continuation in terms of story, though maybe just a little too easy.

I would suggest opening up with a little exposition, explaining to the reader what has happened in the interim: Twilight and Fluttershy making a plan to tell their other friends what has happened and how to make sure that they don't freak out. (you could arguably make the story a fair bit longer simply by having them take it one friend at a time and go in depth of their reactions.)

As for their reactions, it's kind of the same as with Twilight in the first chapter: It's too easily accepted if you ask me. Dash would probably accepting after finding out that it's pretty cool what Fluttershy can do/ how she looks.

Pinkie would be mostly scared, and then accepting once she sees that Fluttershy isn't the same pony that zoomed over all of their heads.

Rarity I think would be the easiest, though more worried about Fluttershy's looks than anything else.

Applejack however... I don't think Applejack would accept this so easily. No matter how many times she is reassured by her friends, she would still remember everything that'd happened, and the damage it did to her farm. Which the story could actually benefit from: Applejack being shown that Fluttershy really can control it/ isn't a danger.

This is nice though, keep it up.

I think you have some talent, but you'll want to get an editor for any future stories. Also, it's hard to judge this story when it feels incomplete. We have a nice confrontation with her friends, then the story just ends. No resolution.

I do get that the point was to show everypony was okay with the idea, but you could have done more with the story than just show her friends she is okay and that's that.

Keep writing, you have some talent for it. :yay:

There was a lot of back and forth without names being used. It just seems to get repetitive using their names every other sentence. If only one is causing confusion then I think it's not too bad, I'll just have to be more careful next time.
I know I had Fluttershy a bit off when she remembered to say 'no' and when concentrating on Owlowiscious. Maybe I should go through the episodes and comics again as a refresher.
It seems my short story was cut too short. I had tried to convey similar ideas. Perhaps I should have used a different small idea for a test run and expanded on this. More importantly this raises concerns over parts of my bigger story.

I could say that it is incomplete because after this they continue their adventures in Ponyville, but I know what you mean. No flying with Dash, Applejack really accepting it or cure from Twilight. I'll have to make sure my bigger story has an epilogue that clears up everything, regardless of continuing it or not.

Keep writing, you have some talent for it. :yay:

:rainbowlaugh: Thanks for the support but no I don't. I actually have some kind of learning disability with languages. Me typing up 3k words in a week is unbelievable.

This is a nice story :pinkiehappy:

No. If you watch the episode again you will see she has claws on the leading edge of her wings just like real bats and it is essentially their thumb.

Fluttershy's saying the apple looked tasty, instead of making a leap for it like a predator, was a good way to set up Applejack's change of mind. As a fruit bat, Fluttershy had been nearly mindless and certainly unable to speak. That one line showed her in a completely different light. Nothing to criticize there.

This was good, I like how the characters are pretty accurately rendered, but it just feels... incomplete. Please tell me you're going to expand on this?

There are ideas for a more drawn out version, but nothing solid and it normally takes me a long time to write something.

5590623 You should get together with WolfTheWyvern. He wrote a story with a similar premise: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/156917/the-batty-and-the-shy Between the two of you, I foresee the potential for something Awesome.

This one's good too...

'Not a Writer', my left buttcheek.

Oh wait, I live in this town.

And your previous statement still stands, Twilight. XD

i feel like this could be expanded on further, into a full story world where Flutterbat grows to be accepted and no longer has to return to Fluttershy form, or theres some huge adventure where having Flutterbat is more advantageous than Fluttershy

This was good but it A. All be together as a whole one shot or B.make a longer and whole story that included some conflict with a. the town ponies or b. Fluttershy having a hard time with self-control of her apatite

I don't know why but the fact I had a rwby add at the bottom made me laugh... :derpytongue2:

Meh no heavy plot here. @

Woo flutterbat stories are the best

This two-shot was well done, and feels complete.
A good short story! :ajsmug:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!