• Member Since 24th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Guardian Talon


Warning. Prolonged exposure may result in: Insanity, Eye Hemorrhaging, Rational Fear.

E

Twilight learns that she didn't entirely cure Fluttershy after her incident with being a bat pony.
Fluttershy is ok with this and so are her friends.

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 21 )

I know you said you wanted brutal criticism, but I didn't really see anything wrong. It might be because I am not the best at writing myself though.

I like the idea I haven't really read many flutterbat stories, so the idea seems new to me. Keep it up. :pinkiesmile:

A pretty decent start.

Twilight levitated a tiny piece of wood in front of her. "So it was a sliver that was bothering him?"

"And a big one at that." She commented as she started putting away the supplies.

This 'She' Should be 'Fluttershy'. Otherwise people might get confused as Twilight was the last name to be dropped.

Other than that, the characterization of Fluttershy feels just a little off (she's normally much more apologetic, even when she's telling others to do something) And Twilight seems to get over the shock of seeing her friend as a batpony just a smidge too quickly.

It was enjoyable though, now to see what the next chapter is like.

Good continuation in terms of story, though maybe just a little too easy.

I would suggest opening up with a little exposition, explaining to the reader what has happened in the interim: Twilight and Fluttershy making a plan to tell their other friends what has happened and how to make sure that they don't freak out. (you could arguably make the story a fair bit longer simply by having them take it one friend at a time and go in depth of their reactions.)

As for their reactions, it's kind of the same as with Twilight in the first chapter: It's too easily accepted if you ask me. Dash would probably accepting after finding out that it's pretty cool what Fluttershy can do/ how she looks.

Pinkie would be mostly scared, and then accepting once she sees that Fluttershy isn't the same pony that zoomed over all of their heads.

Rarity I think would be the easiest, though more worried about Fluttershy's looks than anything else.

Applejack however... I don't think Applejack would accept this so easily. No matter how many times she is reassured by her friends, she would still remember everything that'd happened, and the damage it did to her farm. Which the story could actually benefit from: Applejack being shown that Fluttershy really can control it/ isn't a danger.

This is nice though, keep it up.

I think you have some talent, but you'll want to get an editor for any future stories. Also, it's hard to judge this story when it feels incomplete. We have a nice confrontation with her friends, then the story just ends. No resolution.

I do get that the point was to show everypony was okay with the idea, but you could have done more with the story than just show her friends she is okay and that's that.

Keep writing, you have some talent for it. :yay:

3905596
There was a lot of back and forth without names being used. It just seems to get repetitive using their names every other sentence. If only one is causing confusion then I think it's not too bad, I'll just have to be more careful next time.
I know I had Fluttershy a bit off when she remembered to say 'no' and when concentrating on Owlowiscious. Maybe I should go through the episodes and comics again as a refresher.
3905610
It seems my short story was cut too short. I had tried to convey similar ideas. Perhaps I should have used a different small idea for a test run and expanded on this. More importantly this raises concerns over parts of my bigger story.

3905678
I could say that it is incomplete because after this they continue their adventures in Ponyville, but I know what you mean. No flying with Dash, Applejack really accepting it or cure from Twilight. I'll have to make sure my bigger story has an epilogue that clears up everything, regardless of continuing it or not.

Keep writing, you have some talent for it. :yay:

:rainbowlaugh: Thanks for the support but no I don't. I actually have some kind of learning disability with languages. Me typing up 3k words in a week is unbelievable.

This is a nice story :pinkiehappy:

are they anthro because fluttershy has claws?

4718059
No. If you watch the episode again you will see she has claws on the leading edge of her wings just like real bats and it is essentially their thumb.

4718059

she probably have claws on her bat wings since bats has claws on their wings.

Fluttershy's saying the apple looked tasty, instead of making a leap for it like a predator, was a good way to set up Applejack's change of mind. As a fruit bat, Fluttershy had been nearly mindless and certainly unable to speak. That one line showed her in a completely different light. Nothing to criticize there.

This was good, I like how the characters are pretty accurately rendered, but it just feels... incomplete. Please tell me you're going to expand on this?

5590569
There are ideas for a more drawn out version, but nothing solid and it normally takes me a long time to write something.

5590623 You should get together with WolfTheWyvern. He wrote a story with a similar premise: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/156917/the-batty-and-the-shy Between the two of you, I foresee the potential for something Awesome.

This one's good too...

'Not a Writer', my left buttcheek.

Oh wait, I live in this town.

And your previous statement still stands, Twilight. XD

i feel like this could be expanded on further, into a full story world where Flutterbat grows to be accepted and no longer has to return to Fluttershy form, or theres some huge adventure where having Flutterbat is more advantageous than Fluttershy

This was good but it A. All be together as a whole one shot or B.make a longer and whole story that included some conflict with a. the town ponies or b. Fluttershy having a hard time with self-control of her apatite

I don't know why but the fact I had a rwby add at the bottom made me laugh... :derpytongue2:

Meh no heavy plot here. @

Woo flutterbat stories are the best

This two-shot was well done, and feels complete.
A good short story! :ajsmug:

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!