Couldn't help but notice that the picture had a humanized Twi, yet this chapter didn't...

Spoiler of things to come, perhaps?

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An update to one of the first pieces of clop I read.
And I loved it!

new chapter?
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That bit at the start should give it away, really.

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Well, Twilight clearly has some kind of plan involving a transmogrification spell, and Gary won't let her use one on him, so...

Also, I predict that Lyra stole his stuff, either out of spite or because she thinks she can make it work.

Not fond of self-inserts, not fond either of PoV, but only idiots never change their mind, and so, I must say that the way you write is awesome!!!
That's the first one I encounter with a quality level as high as that. And I saw your drawings too, and you have a style, and a good one.
Keep it up!!!
"Tracking" your story, check!
"Watching" your page, check!
"Waiting" for chapter 3, check!

Lyra stole the scraps.

I'm enjoying the character interplays in this story as well as the plot itself. Your depiction of an adorkable Twilight leaves me laughing and "Awwww"ing in equal portions. My only gripe is that I like the other aspects of the story so much I'd actually prefer more of that and less clop. I know, crazy right?

Well done, I'll be looking forward to the next update in this darling little tale.

Great update, your sensual scenes are incredible, a definitive cut above the norm. It does seem a little contrived though that neither of these intelligent & observant characters thought to themselves, "Hmm perhaps the human obsessed pony that just had her dreams, of going to Earth, crushed and went storming off, was the thief." and instead spent the evening fruitlessly searching around apparently without checking out the most obvious suspect.

I'm eagerly anticipating the next chapter.... especially if it's mostly clop

Loved your work

Very enjoyable!

Most obvious flaw to me is in your use of dialogue--you're getting the final punctuation wrong. A period is used to "end" that sentence, so the next sentence is a separate entity. When you have something like

"I want to horse sex with you," Twilight said.

the "Twilight said" is an assignment of that dialogue, not a separate entity unto itself, and you should be using a comma (or exclamation mark, question mark, et cetera, because they don't have to be final--however you do follow all the other rules such as capitalisation). The "said" itself is also a speaking verb and could be replaced with anything else from that kind of pot.

"I'd love to horse sex with you!" she said.

and

"I'd love to horse sex with you!" She giggled.

for example, because the giggling isn't a speaking verb and that sentence isn't assigning the dialogue--who said it is implicit, not explicit.

Not an ultra-huge deal to fix, but it really killed readability in a lot of the dialogue-heavy scenes for me. Otherwise, good work!

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and it was a great read

I quite love it. Asides from hinting at a interesting story, your clop is top notch.

I'm not one to want to rush quality, so take you're time. We'll be here when chapter three comes out.
How many are you planning anyways? Because I'd have no problem with this being a long fic.

Three words.

Worth.
The.
Wait.

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Totally worth the wait
Take your time with that full blown Clop Chapter 3 I long for more.

Good jorb!
You have an interesting vocabulary. I saw wince in there a bunch and it seemed more appropriately used than in the last chapter. When you find yourself using the same words over and over again, it's time to hit up the thesaurus! For instance, instead of using wince over and over, you could have thrown in any of these (Pulled from thesaurus.com):
back off, blanch, blench, cower, cringe, dodge, duck, flinch, grimace, jib, make a face, quail, recoil, shrink, shy, start, swerve, turn

Recoil, blanch, cringe, and flinch specifically come to mind. Be careful about using really weird words like jib or start as they might confuse the reader in that context.

As for actual errors, I wasn't looking that closely and only noticed one:
"You hand slips down to her side"

The porn scenes are entertaining, but you occasionally dip into the "Twilight did.. She did... you did..." sort of paragraph structure. Paragraphs that just have physical actions and no descriptions get boring to read, even when it's porn! Try to throw a few descriptive sentences about how the characters felt, or how things looked or something. This isn't a major issue, it's just something I found. I actually enjoyed most of the non clop more because it felt less mechanical.

You also did really well, some clop parts were very well written and felt fluid and organic. I'm enjoying your story very much and these are all extremely minor issues. I just like to be constructive instead of just saying, "Good Jorb!"

But seriously... Excellent work.

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Wow, I was not aware of these rules! Thanks for pointing them out, and I'll definitely do some research on this before next chapter gets written to make sure it's done the right way. My dialogue style has often been different (the style I was taught and used through most of my school years) from the one I'm using now, so it definitely helps to be steered the right away.

Also still up in a cloud that you read my fic, let alone enjoyed it.

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Nope, I totally appreciate the review and you taking the time to point out these issues. There's no other way for me to improve, so it's good to have third parties point out your mistakes or things that don't fall well in the narrative.

As far as "wince" goes I think "wink" could have sufficed as well, but in the context I find that the word might be a bit crude, the kind of word being used in a cheap porn novel. The dictionary definition of "wince" felt more elegant. But noted, I'll try to substitute it for a synonym if it becomes overused. And you're right, certain parts feel mechanical. This is likely a result of my old habit of playing RPGs in chatrooms where a small detail you didn't mention wrecked havoc in your strategy later on and fluidity was second-grade stuff. I went back and tried to be a little more lyrical by the end, but it will take a little while to make it as fluid as the rest. Glad you liked it despite all!

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If things go this way, with each chapter having between 12 and 18k words, I might be going for five or six chapters, But if I can expand the storyline further, I won't be using that as a hard limit on how far I'm willing to go. If I can reduce the word count of each chapter in order to push updates more often too.

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I had intended the initial narrative to be more a fragment of the main character's memories than anything involving his current situation... did that come through a little skewed?

I'll try to do the same for most chapters, so I'd love to be aware that the style isn't working.

---

Thanks everypony who submitted comments and ratings, it's been a huge surprise and joy to see so many people who are enjoying the story!

I've been brainstorming some ideas to keep the non-clop parts interesting (the clop ones too, don't worry!), but I think the way I envision things, there's no way I can achieve the planned ending without turning things a few notches towards the dark side. I don't /want/ to quite add borderline rape or mild sexual abuse to the story but I feel like it's the only way to progress further (it would either be that or pain, neither of which entice me much). It won't be a main theme and I'm not going to dwell heavily on it, it'll be there just to put things into perspective. However, that also opens up the possibility of exploring a bunch of themes that I think will be very entertaining both for me as the writer and for you guys as readers.

Moving on, our protagonist is going for answers on why Equestria seems so different without a proper orbit and why the Princesses are required to control the Sun, Moon and the Stars. He may be surprised as to what the Lady of the Night has to say!

Stay tuned - soon in a FimFiction chapter page near you.

Ps.: "Soon" is calculated in Microsoft Minutes.

Anyone else get the feeling it was Lyra who took the stuff? She had the correct amount of time to swipe it and she was pretty upset about not being able to go to 'human land' or whatever. Sounds like something she would do...

This is first clopfic i read and.... i like this story! Good to see some story plot too, in addition nice one. Keep you work dude!(or girl )

so you did continue awesome man really like it

The most bonerific story I have ever read. 100 / 5 stars.

>Ch 1
>Ch2

I refuse to even consider reading this until the noted inconsistency in spacing is corrected.

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Lyra is definitely involved, but I won't say any more to avoid spoiling the story!

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Thank you! That's very helpful, I'll work on a V2 later, correcting these mistakes pointed out by everyone. Appreciate it greatly.

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Thanks!

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FFFFFFUUUUUU-, how could I let such a horrid mistake past me? I swear, I SWEAR I took much care to make sure the formatting for both chapters coincided. Seriously, no idea how that slipped by. Fixed now.

I really enjoyed the read.

I hope Lyra isn't doing what I think she is. Other than my thoughts on what Lyra may be doing, I love this story. Its probably one of the best I have ever read.

What I really enjoy about this fic is that it has a very interesting plot (in both ways ;D)
I can't wait to see Chapter 3! Good luck, and keep up the great work!

Much like SleeplessBrony's Romance Reports, the sex scenes in this are incredible, and that's what I was looking for. I kept reading because the story actually caught my attention, though. If you had to put out a few chapters without clop to accommodate the story you have planned, I would be not be upset.

awesome clop fic :3 this is on my top list of clop fics, right next to "unmovable". i wonder if twi will try rping sex? :3c

I noticed a fair bit of spelling errors in the story, but nothing that kept me from enjoying it. Might want to get a pair of proofreaders though. I'm not really able to point them out right now, but maybe later on.

For amusement, I must say that I hated the main character. Stuck up, overdramatic git with delusions of grandeur xD. It's sad when his only redeeming feature is that he get to have fun with Twi.

Awesome! I'm looking forward to another chapter!

GOOD JOB time for cold shower # 2

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I know I'm going to make some people upset before this story is done but I promise to make up for it elsewhere.

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Thank you! Appreciate it. I think I can advance the story without cutting back on the clop, but the chapters might stay as big or even bigger than they are. If I try to keep chapters shorter, most definitely will have one or two here and there that will focus on the plot only.

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Really? That's the first complaint about the protagonist I've gotten. You may be on to something though, but I'll let the story run its course.

I've begun working on Chapter 3, but things are somewhat slow right now. I'll keep y'all posted!

Whoa you better not stop writing this half way through. Its too awesome.....

I'm going to play Russian Roulette with a semi-automatic as punishment for reading this.

I came this close to becoming a clopper thanks to your story.
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Geuss what, he just did.

On Hiatus

great. why does the good stories always never get finish?

I switched to Hiatus because it's taking me a long-ass time to get inspired to continue writing. Mood swings abound, Batman.

But don't worry - it's being written, albeit at a slow pace. I can't give an ETA right now, that's why I'm leaving it up in the air.

jokes on you i was already a clopper952403

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k

This is my all time favorite clopfic! I've never read another one that nailed Twily's personality so perfectly and it has just the right balance of good story, romantic intimacy, and super descriptive cloppabiltity. I really hope you decide to continue it with more chapters!

Awesome. That's all I have to say lol simply Awesome!

Gotta say I loved this!!! This is the first Human in Equestria story that hasn't been a turn-off for me. Hope you keep up the good work and continue to update.

So...did the author die?

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Not yet! And not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I've been slowly writing chapter three a few sentences at a time, mostly forcing myself to do it due to being an unreliable, unstable fuck. So, yeah. Sorry.

Hey Luna, don't rush yourself. Forcing yourself to write these stories for the most part isn't healthy .

Many if not all writers go through "writer's block" at some point. Are you having inspiration problems? Or motivational problems? I would love to know, cause maybe I can offer you help .

This is romantic funny and sexy. I can't wait for part three.

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wow soon its gonna be a 1 year fic

All of my yuss.

And. . .

Chapter 3 being nearly all clop

I don't have enough yuss.