• Member Since 20th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

JaydexTheShadowKnight


I'm an avid writer that enjoys creating human x pony romance stories. If you like what you've read, then perhaps you'd Buy Me A Coffee?

Comments ( 126 )
Dan

Watched.

Some people say there's way too many HiE fics. I can't get enough of them.

I was already impressed with this story, but that well-used ER jargon sealed it for me. I'm definitely following this story.

8809775

Some people say there's way too many HiE fics. I can't get enough of them.

You and me both!

8809819
Glad to hear it!

Been awhile since you've written anything. I'm looking forward to reading this.

sail

That would be sailed, or sails there Jay. I don't have a witty remark for this typo by the way.


8809995
8809775

Some people say there's way too many HiE fics. I can't get enough of them.

Provided they aren't poorly written I agree with you guys. :eeyup:

Dan

One thing we could use more of is female human in Equestria/Stallion ships.

I was so hoping from some scrubs type stuff at the hospital. Looking forward to more. I can just imagine pony JD and Pony Dr. Cox lol.

"Why did you page me?"

"Well you see, Dr. Star I was just wondering how many miligrams of hahoma I should give this patient."

"Oh my Celestia it is just a regular strength painkiller, you take a hoof full and throw it at the patient. Whatever sticks that's the correct dosage."
Lol. Sorry I'm tired.

So, I don’t see why the normal regiment we use to treat a pony wouldn’t be a good place to start.

Welp, he’s dead, gg doc.

Not bad. Looking forward to seeing more.

8810186

Provided they aren't poorly written I agree with you guys.

Wouldn't that be for all stories?

I do not read clop (so no offense but i wont be reading this). Though on a funny note, when I first saw the stories title I at first thought it was a sequel to Tatsuro's A sparkle in his eye" (either written by him or a fan) then i read the story description, boy was I wrong :rainbowlaugh:

how did the most literal piece of cliched shit get into the feature box
this is shit that was done to death legit and in parody back in 2012
how
EDIT: Oh, it's your legion of braindead fans
gg

8810546
Good point. It does sometimes feel HiEs are almost cursed with bad writing though. It all a mess.

well accept when you’re sleeping

That error bothered me immensely.

Also, this chapter was the definition of bullshitting tech talk.

honestly not that bad. I've grown bored of HiE fics where everyone freaks the fuck out for really no aparent reason apart from 'that's a hairless ape, omg kill it'.

i did find some spelling errors and such, but *overall not too many.

definitely keeping tabs on this.

*edit: oh shit, oh shit, oh shit! just realized i wrote 'overall too many', sorry about that my sleep deprived brain is not very attentive.

8811273
Can you imagine how this world would react if an alien suddenly appeared, They would freak the fuck out.

8811532
This world ain't got fifteen different sapient species, many of which don't know that half of the others exist anyway.

I like this so far. I look forward to reading more.

Pegasuses would actually be more correct than Pegasi (but there's debate on this).

Spacecowboy
Moderator

Your writing is still quite stiff, but at least this character has more personality than a cardboard cutout.

The scaffolding of this story is great, it's everything that we want out of a lost-human-on-another-planet work. As Spacecowboy stated, your writing doesn't seem to flow easily. Can you incorporate more literary devices, maybe use precise rather than complex words, idk just suggestions :)

8811532
we don't have several vastly different species which talk our language. they do.

Dan

8811273
It is refreshing when there's a fic where humans are immediately liked and intrinsically cute/attractive to pony eyes as ponies are to humans (Anon's Pie Adventure, for example), but the old 'gentle, persecuted, misunderstood creature' is such a time-honored, entrenched literary device.

I'd have to agree with Spacecowboy. RIght now it's pretty cliche with so many others. Though the "how I got to Equestria story" is a little more original than the tired "Either I just suddenly appeared in Equestria or Twilight somehow casted a spell wrong and I suddenly appeared here" crap. At the moment I really can't get into this because it just reads so similar to so many other HiE stories out there. And believe me I have seen a lot. I'll keep an eye on it and see where this one goes.

8812132
Yea but they dont have humans so its still an alien.

8813464
sure, they don't have humans, i'll easily give you that. however, a newly discovered species is not exactly an unheard of idea in equestria. i mean seriously, there's quite a few species that exist there, alright it would still be a pretty big event finding out a new undiscovered species existed on their world. but surely this cool revelation would not provoke the 'oh gerd kell it wit ferire!!!' response or the 'hehehe furless monkey is the best insult i have' xenophobe response, but rather the 'study it for all it's worth' option.

just my opinion.

"Not very impressive male." (More or less)

What a laugh.

Nurse Redheart and Dr. Screen looked at the creature. Redheart giggled a little. “I’d say it’s a male…but not an overly impressive one.”

i.imgflip.com/15qol5.jpg

Fluttershy walked over beside him and place a hoof on the arm of his chair. “Um, are you okay, uh…Allen was it?”

“That’s amazing. So you’re telling me…uh, humans…is that what you said your race is called?

“Yeah. You’ll have to forgive me, uh…Fluttershy?”.”

She just smiled. “Nope, it’s fine. Besides, you’ll need somewhere to stay, at least till we can find that, did you say…recall rod?” Twilight endeavored to remember.

Does every character have mild dementia in this story? What's the point of this?

As they ate, the scent of something else caught Allen’s nose. “Wait…sniff, sniff. Spike, what is that heavenly aroma coming from the kitchen?”

“It sure was…burp.” Rainbow Dash giggled. “Oops, excuse me.”

Don't include non-spoken sounds in the dialogue.

My only other problem with the story is that a lot of the dialogue doesn't sound conversational at all. It looks like you put a little more effort than necessary into writing the spoken lines, which is actually a bad thing in this case. It makes it seem like a stilted, unauthentic manus instead of casual conversation.

I do like the story though, and will be following it :twilightsmile:

Give... the brand new, never-before-seen creature... a BLOOD TRANSFUSION? From a species not his own? When you have no idea what makes up his blood, body composition, or even protein structure?

He’s dead. RIP Allen.

Also, not sure why AJ keeps putting her hat over her heart. That’s usually a sign of respect for the dead, which he ain’t - yet.

Lets get this show started, so far so good on the first chappie!

8815871


Phht. It's obviously magical pony blood with polymorphic properties that allow it to scan, identify, adapt to, and replicate any host body's DNA and antigen security response features.


...they should actually be very worried about being invaded by soulless conquering aliens seeking to add their technomagy to their own...

this chapter confuesed me a little mostly with the dream bit

8887057
I agree, the dream seemed a bit rushed to the point where I had a hard time following it. Although, it was still a rather nice chapter and Fluttershy's apprehension seems interesting enough.

8813464
There are aliens all around the world. They all live outside of the nation in which I live.

8815871
I love how they take him to a doctor who is only trained in pony physiology and not to a vet who would be better trained and knowledgeable about non-pony physiologies and better equipped to treat associated traumas of non-pony lifeforms. I also love how Fluttershy doesn't mention anything about taking this non-pony lifeform to a vet instead of a pony doctor. :rainbowlaugh:

“Well, we could talk about magic in my world.” Twilight sighed. “Only, it’s a rather involved topic. And I’d really like to show you some of the marvels in Equestria’s night sky.” She softly bit her lower lip. “Could we discuss magic tomorrow?”

Changeling!!!!!!! :pinkiegasp::twilightoops:

You just had to go and make me even more invested than I already was.

Allen nodded stiffly. “Yeah, how’d you do that? Your horn lit up…and then poof, the candle lit.” He blinked as he placed a hand along his chin. “It was almost like magic.”

Silly, that's because it is magic. *squee* And Pinkie is breaking the forth wall again. :rainbowlaugh:

All silliness aside nice one Jay. This chapter wasn't stiff like that last one. And it doesn't feel like it's fast paced either. Also dreams are such a pain to write for given their random nature.

8887788
True. But even though I have only seen through the season 5 opener, I have never heard of monkeys being mentioned in FiM. So although alot of authors use it as an excuse when a human shows up, it's possible they either don't exist or aren't common knowledge. Besides if even Fluttershy didn't know what he was, then just the knowledge that he could speak would make it feel kinda rude to treat him like an animal.

8888462

True. But even though I have only seen through the season 5 opener, I have never heard of monkeys being mentioned in FiM.

If I understand you correctly, you're saying you've seen up to the season 5 opener, which means you've seen season 1. In Episode 26 - "The Best Night Ever", Fluttershy sees a "spider monkey" in the garden in front of the gala. And later on, when she tries to befriend the animals again she hopes to catch any of the birds or monkeys after they wonder into her trap. So, there is show proof that monkeys exist in FIM. Just an FYI, for you or anyone not aware of the fact. :twilightsmile:

8887788
Let me just make sure I understand your logic here. Basically, you're saying then, if anyone from a sapient species like Iron Will, Gilda, or Prince Rutherford are injured while in Ponyville, they should be taken to a vet, rather than the hospital? :applejackunsure:

8888308
Thank you, and while dreams can be a pain to write, I was trying to make this one confusing like those depicted in other works of fiction ie: movies, tv series and books.

8887057 & 8887085
The dream was as I intended it. From personal experience, I've had dreams that are random and choppy at times. The subconscious mind can be a curious thing. And like I mentioned in the reply to 8888308 above, I was trying to make this seem like one of those confusing dream sequences that are depicted in other works of fiction. I didn't want it to be easy to follow, so if you are confused from it, then it worked out perfectly. :scootangel:

8888738
Okay, that's understandable. And it does make a bit of sense when you think about it.

Spike's cookies could kill a man, just by description alone I can tell they have plenty of sugar lol... Then again what do I know? I'm terrible at baking, cooking is where I am best at. You know I live to cook Jay :twilightsmile:

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