An old friend brings an ancient evil to Rarity's home.
Will she survive one of the worst things ever?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 27th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Last Monday
sevenofeleven
It is my great conceit that I can write interesting stories for utter strangers and maybe sometime in the far far future get paid for it.
sevenofeleven
Joined 27th Oct, 2012 ·
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- sevenofeleven · 7.1k words · 13 3 · 362 views
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Pretty dark nice job
Good story bro :)
An is used when the next words starts with a vowel, not a consonant.
pretty much vice versa.
I know you are making the knife act short with her on purpose, however this is describing rarity and as such you should describe her actions or transitions more.
Overall the story was pretty good, however it fell flat with the description, atmosphere and ended up a bit choppy once you got to the knife. Allow me to explain.
The Description is one of the most important things about getting people to look at your story. A boring two sentence description which tells the reader nothing about the story will not intrigue people. Plus with your description of Rarity I believe this isn't "the worst things ever." Man that was incredibly vague. You could have at least told the reader what style it was written in. "It was written with inspiration from Lovecraft" would have sufficed.
This lack of atmosphere stems from the good old classic issue that many authors suffer from called show, don't tell. This problem was almost completely avoided by your impressive hook and plot. With an interesting enough story an author doesn't have to actually describe that much, since the reader becomes so interested in what is going on that they don't pay attention to the lack of detail.
Making an interesting plot is actually a good idea for all stories to try and implement, depending on if it is a slice of life or not, but you failed to get inside of Rarity's head when you really need to. I believe that this story would have been much better in first person, but I understand that it is hard to get into someone else's head. Since you did a second/third (I always get the two mixed up) POV you should have put more emphasis on Rarity's reactions.
During the knife scene Rarity goes from scared for her life and my friend just died to having a friendly conversation with a knife in what seemed like a split second. I know you might say a whole minute passed for Rarity as she hid in her room but you only mention the time passing, not describing any actions during it, which causes the actually substantial amount of time that allows Rarity to calm down appear like a few seconds to the reader.
You could have also made this emotional transition more subtle by doing a brief description of the transition from Rarity's room to the restaurant, which would make it seem like a longer time had passed, at least for the reader. You may also want to give a reason for why Rarity calmed down so fast, I mean murder doesn't happen everyday and finding yourself in a room you weren't in five seconds ago is a bit disconcerting.
On to the topic of the knife, I realize that you wanted to make the knife appear choppy, curt, and straight to the point but you let that bleed onto your descriptions of Rarity's character. You should have made your descriptions of Rarity's actions longer to contrast with the knife's short answers and questions. This will also help how the story flows and make it obvious to the reader that you didn't just drop the ball on that section.
Now with that said and done, you also did a couple of great things. You gave just a small enough amount of information to get the reader to want more and to keep reading your story. While some might complain and it could turn a few readers away, this is a great strategy to keep someone interested. I also liked that you did go over a section of mistrust between Rarity and the knife, which was resolved by the knife explaining himself. However I think this moment was a bit tarnished by the abrupt change in Rarity's character and mood.
Overall a nice read, but still a lot of room for improvement.