Purple crystals fall from the sky threatening all of Equestria.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 27th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 14th, 2023
sevenofeleven
It is my great conceit that I can write interesting stories for utter strangers and maybe sometime in the far far future get paid for it.
sevenofeleven
Joined 27th Oct, 2012 ·
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Well your prose is fairly good, I'll give you that.
However your dialogue is rather bland and samey. Nobody really sounds very different from each other. My recommendation would be to try and imagine the characters saying their lines. If you can't hear their voice in your head when you read one of their lines, rework it.
The plot seems alright, if not a bit rushed. Slowing down would be a good idea.
Also, this does not seem to be complete, so I'd change that to "Incomplete" in the edit screen.Ignore, I'm a retard.Thanks for taking the time to give a critique.
I would like to know more about
"The plot seems alright, if not a bit rushed. Slowing down would be a good idea."
Can you be more explicit?
----------------------------------------------------
"Also, this does not seem to be complete, so I'd change that to "Incomplete" in the edit screen."
I would like to know why you do not think this story is complete.
3588833
Like, you go from a scene where everyone is discussing the crystals to a fight scene very quickly. It feels breakneck and rushed. A better transition would be good. I'm not the greatest at pacing, so I'm a bad person to ask how to fix it.
I see now that I missed a huge chunk of story due to a browser mishap. I skipped from the start of the ritual to the teaser at the end somehow. I rescind that part of the comment.
I would like to add that adding a bit inner conflict would not be entirely remiss.
4823488
Good suggestion.
Who should have the inner conflict?
What should they be conflicted about?
No attack, I would like to get more details.
4823765 I have no particular suggestions. I assume you are aware of the show, so just expound their personal demons to fit into the situation at hand (or hoof as the case is
).
Case in point: Magic is Twilight's particular forte, so (from what I've read) seeing as how she can't use it against the crystals, make it seem as though she is feeling useless. Something along those lines.
4823789
Thanks for the tip.