• Member Since 27th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

sevenofeleven


It is my great conceit that I can write interesting stories for utter strangers and maybe sometime in the far far future get paid for it.

Sequels1

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Emotion starved changelings unwittingly set in motion events that will cause an ancient evil to ravage Earth and Equestria. An FBI agent, investigating an attack against a mall on Earth, finds herself thrust into the middle of the conflict. Now she must travel from a ravaged Ponyville where ponies cower underground through wastelands to the sprawling refugee camps of Lower Canterlot.

Contains: Graphic Violence and Death.

Chapters (20)
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Comments ( 31 )

Is there a specific part or a certain element of this story you want critiqued? 20,000 words is quite broad, so anything to pinpoint would help me help you.

6162108
I wonder why this story gets so little upvotes.
I can't make better stories if I don't know whats wrong with my current one.

If you can, just check out the first three chapters for now.
If you want, I can check out the rest of your story for issues.

6163286
I already have some tips for you (im that good).

You wonder why you don't get up votes, but you also dont have a lot of downvotes, unlike my story, that was ravanged by drive-bys at the start.

So what im getting here is your traffic. 5 upvotes for 100 views, many of those views im sure not making it to the latest chapter is actually REALLY good. So its not that people arent liking it, its that people arent seeing it.

Even Drive-bys are a good thing, because it shows your story is getting traffic. So my reccomendation (before any actual story advice) is to get your story out there. Join groups and shamelessly self promote your story. Like I do with mine: House Rules.

Making a good product is only half the battle (J.I. Joeeeee). You need to advertise. A potion that legitimately cures any cancer will never sell if no one hears about it.

P.S. Hopefully ill actually read your story soon, it will happen, im not a heckler. But im not a charity. (*nudge* Third time *nudge*)

P.P.S thats how you self promote, if a bit less obvious. :raritywink:

Where did you come up with the name Gleaner?

6898728
I just made it up.
They collect life and emotion.

6163286 As for why you've got only a small number of votes, some good points have been made about the importance of adding to suitable groups. The only thing I can chip in is that you've narrowed your field pretty heavily just by the subject matter.

Earth/Equestria crossover, sad, grimdark, humans, graphic violence, death, and no mention in the intro of a single familiar pony - it doesn't feel very much like the world of the show we know. That's not a criticism, but I think you'll find the further afield from the show's basic premise, the less readers it'll attract.

If you want to attract more readers, try changing the description to emphasise how the ponies we're familiar with interact with the situation you're setting up, give us a touchstone of familiarity to work from. Else, you might try filling off the serial numbers and posting it elsewhere as purely original fiction.

7301707
I'm okay with the numbers.

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Earth/Equestria crossover, sad, grimdark, humans, graphic violence, death, and no mention in the intro of a single familiar pony - it doesn't feel very much like the world of the show we know.

I accept that there will be readers that won't like graphic violence and death.

The story is about an Equestria that's under siege by enemies. So it's not the Show Equestria.
That's why I have the Alternate universe tag.

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I wonder about the tags here.
Does Human mean - I have humans in my story or it's a HIE story?

I have a similar question for sad.
Does sad mean there are sad bits or that the whole story is sad?

I might be using these tags wrong.
---

If you want to attract more readers, try changing the description to emphasise how the ponies we're familiar with interact with the situation you're setting up, give us a touchstone of familiarity to work from. Else, you might try filling off the serial numbers and posting it elsewhere as purely original fiction.

The story is about an OC. Canon and background chars are in the story and they do more than just cameo but they are not the main chars. I don't want to do a description that summarizes the story. I've seen people do that.

Descriptions are like the stuff on book jackets, they tell enough to get readers interested in the story but they don't tell them everything. Showing how ponies interact with the situation, should be left to the story. Unless there is a way to put that in a description that isn't too long.

I can't post this story as an original story. Too many canon and background characters.

How about this:

Emotion starved changelings unwittingly set in motion events that will cause an ancient evil to ravage Earth and Equestria. An FBI agent, investigating an attack against a mall on Earth, finds herself thrust into the middle of the conflict. She gets help from the CMC, Applejack, Rainbow Dash and other ponies as she tries to help out and find a way home.

So, finished reading the first chapter. My biggest thought, overall, so far is that your story seems to rush through everything rather quickly. In the first 2k words alone, which equates to about six pages or so, you've got so much exposition regarding the changelings, how they're dying, they're subsequent solution, and the discovery of humans. Again, within six pages.

The other big thing missing, in my opinion, are descriptions. You've got all this fun worldbuilding stuff, but it doesn't really paint that great a picture. You've mostly got stuff along the lines of 'x place serves y purpose'. Maybe consider giving descriptions- such as telling us how the place where traitors await punishment appears. Is it small, large, cold, hot, etc. The small details like that add up, helping you build a far more vivid world for us to understand.

7628022

So, finished reading the first chapter. My biggest thought, overall, so far is that your story seems to rush through everything rather quickly. In the first 2k words alone, which equates to about six pages or so, you've got so much exposition regarding the changelings, how they're dying, they're subsequent solution, and the discovery of humans. Again, within six pages.

I don't understand why this is a problem.
Some of these issues do get explored in depth later.

---

The other big thing missing, in my opinion, are descriptions. You've got all this fun worldbuilding stuff, but it doesn't really paint that great a picture. You've mostly got stuff along the lines of 'x place serves y purpose'. Maybe consider giving descriptions- such as telling us how the place where traitors await punishment appears. Is it small, large, cold, hot, etc. The small details like that add up, helping you build a far more vivid world for us to understand.

When I wrote about the room, it was just a waiting room.
Since it seems important, I will add some more stuff.

I will say that I do have problems with detailing stuff that isn't important.
Thanks.

Contains: Graphic Violence and Death.

Is that really necessary? There's already a gore tag?

7704933
To be honest, I'm not sure.
The part with the spoiler attribute was suggested by my editor.

Lemon Surprise,” the Prophetess said with a smile.

Oh good, the world is saved.

Well this was... something. :rainbowhuh:

You really don't pull any punches here. Not sure why you made the humans "humans." They're about as human as John Egbert (who was also "human"). Jerome really is a walking nuke in Equestria, where emotions are far more physical than in his own world. I can see why it's such a restricted discipline among ponies. Surprised he didn't tell Sweetie that she'd never have survived the Melancholy Marsh if he didn't seal away her grief. Then, she might have actually thanked him.

Anyway, decent story, I... think. :unsuresweetie: I skimmed past a lot of the politics and angst, but I did enjoy reading, overall.

Before I read, what is the Gore and Dark tag for ?

Is it jest for the Graphic Violence and Death.

7824899
Thanks for the feedback.
I just have a few questions.
---

Not sure why you made the humans "humans." They're about as human as John Egbert (who was also "human").

I don't quite understand what you mean here. I did google "John Egbert".
Can you explain a bit?

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Surprised he didn't tell Sweetie that she'd never have survived the Melancholy Marsh if he didn't seal away her grief. Then, she might have actually thanked him.

Maybe she would have agreed or maybe not.
Jerome didn't want to wait around for Sweetie to come to her senses.

---

Anyway, decent story, I... think. :unsuresweetie: I skimmed past a lot of the politics and angst, but I did enjoy reading, overall.

What angst?
What's wrong with the politics?

Would you be interested in reading the sequel?

---
Was the ending satisfying?

Well as far as resolving most of the plot threads.
Twilight Sparkle and Rarity are still missing.

---

Again, thank you for spending the time to give feedback.

7827629

In Homestuck, a running joke is that the four kids are "human" even though their creation was just as weird as the alien trolls, and the denizens of Prospit and Derse were the "humans" in his previous project. One second they will be checking the mail, the next they'll be teleported from the exploding mailbox by the local omnipotent god cat. You have an ordinary wallet, and then you have a wallet that can store a large boulder in the slot next to the credit card, and this is all very normal for "humans." I meant how the human got to Equestria and was like, "Oh, I know exactly how to deal with all this. Just another normal day at the office."

Maybe she would have agreed or maybe not.

He still should have told her. He's selling himself short if he says he was just doing it to make her feel better, or to stop her from hindering his plans.

What angst?

Uhm... the nightmare scenario Equestria has become? Reading about who died or what went to hell in a handbasket is hard.

What's wrong with the politics?

There are two kinds of stories I just can't read: ones about political intrigue establishing pecking orders and such, and war novels, ones about how miltary men are supposed to interact with superiors and such. As political intrigue and war novels are said to be pretty popular, you can probably ignore the one reader who doesn't get dominance rituals at all.

Would you be interested in reading the sequel?

Eh, maybe. I'm more a lover of slice of life stuff than big epic battle stuff.

Was the ending satisfying?

Of course not! It has a sequel! (It has a sequel, right?) If you want the ending to be satisfying, then end it on Pinkie's triumphant rescue, and leave the aftermath that introduces new complications for chapter 1 of the sequel.

Again, thank you for spending the time to give feedback.

No problem. It's not like I could be spending this time writing my own stories, right? I'm not procrastinating! :twilightoops:

There are two kinds of stories I just can't read: ones about political intrigue establishing pecking orders and such, and war novels, ones about how miltary men are supposed to interact with superiors and such. As political intrigue and war novels are said to be pretty popular, you can probably ignore the one reader who doesn't get dominance rituals at all.

That makes sense.
I should have asked where do you see the politics.

---

He still should have told her. He's selling himself short if he says he was just doing it to make her feel better, or to stop her from hindering his plans.

To be honest, I wanted Jerome to act like a dick and abuse his power. He wanted to push the mission forward and fix Sweetie later. As you saw, it didn't work out well.

---

Of course not! It has a sequel! (It has a sequel, right?) If you want the ending to be satisfying, then end it on Pinkie's triumphant rescue, and leave the aftermath that introduces new complications for chapter 1 of the sequel.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, there's a sequel.
It covers the rescue of Rarity and Twilight Sparkle from a world that is a strange combo of Earth and Equestria.

8110847

So, I read through five chapters. :raritywink: Was feeling like being productive. I will say that your story has promise. I, and just my opinion with this, think you're shortchanging yourself with the way your story is left. There's a lot here that I want to gnaw at. I want to know more about Margot and D-core, just to start. But...

Pm me and gnaw all you want.
If you wish.

Do like the names of the changelings and the world building. Lots of world building.

Thanks.

For some reason, I feel the Golden Compass has had some influence on your story. Now just waiting for the influence of the Stuble Knife.

That's kinda strange. I saw the movie and read some bits when I was working in the library.
I probably would buy the books.

8112052
The movie did have some interesting ideas.
But I didn't read any of the books.

I wish you well on your journey.

Did anyone notice how the changeling transformation gave the message that you have to change how you look to be liked.

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

8881381
Let's see, I had ideas for some of the chars.

Margot
Rachel Nichols
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rachel_Nichols_(actress)

Jerome Siklas
Stepen Lobo
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Lobo
If you ever saw the Syfy show continuum, this guy was a perfect match for Jerome.
I thought about this guy a lot while writing his lines.

The CMC would be voiced by their own actresses.

Margot's FBI partner's voice would sound like the guy who was a detective in CSI: Miami.
Something happened to him and he was demoted to beat cop. I wish I could remember his name.
I do remember his face though.

Skybreeze's voice should be done by an actress that can do snooty, educated chars.
Far's voice can be done by any adventurer/soldier type guy.
Nga'Devro's voice, I'm not sure.

What do you think of the story?

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