Hygiene Matters

by Brumby_Run

Desperate for Bathtime.

Princess Luna continued her walk to her apartments, flicking her tail for the half second of relief it provided. Her only thought was on her bath, and how a long hot soak would ease the irritation in her hindquarters. The exaggerated sway of her hips that she had adopted several hours ago was no longer working. The dawn had come, her night had ended, and sleep was calling her. Along with an itch she couldn’t scratch.

Something about the royal guards posted at her door caught her eye. The wings of the pegasus on her left were fluttering slightly, as if he was having trouble keeping them parked at his sides. The twitching of his feathers was a blatant indicator of a certain type of excitement. Swinging her head to the right, she spent a second observing the unicorn posted there. While his posture revealed nothing, out of the corner of her eye she saw his sheath twitch. Luna’s eyes narrowed as she considered the subtle display of sexual arousal the guards were suffering from.

Choosing to ignore the slight breach of discipline, Luna walked forward to her quarters. With her only thoughts on a hot bath, and the relief that would bring her, she was surprised to see Celestia waiting for her. "Sister! To what do I owe the pleasure?" Luna asked.

"Luna, several members of staff have approached me about a rather delicate subject. May I ask you a rather personal question?"

"But of course. There is no need for such formality between siblings," Luna replied.

Celestia took a deep breath, and with a slight flush of embarrassment she said, "Are you coming into estrus?"

The question hung in the air like a foul smell. Both sisters blushed. Both sisters wished they could ignore it, and change the topic of conversation.

"I only ask," Celestia elaborated, "as some of the staff have noticed a change in your gait."

"My gait?"

"Yes, your gait. It has been described to me as a 'swaggar.' One of the chefs called it a 'non-verbal beg to be mounted.' I'll spare you the vulgarities the porters uttered about the way you have been flicking your tail."

"What!" Luna cried. "No, no, no! I haven't... I'm not..."

"There is nothing to be ashamed of," Celestia said. "It's a normal biological process, even for us."

"No, sister. It's not that. My cycle has not normalized since my..." Luna frantically searched for a word that would not send Celestia into a fit of guilt, "...Return. It's not estrus. It's just an itch, in an uncomfortable place."

"Luna, we have ponies on staff for that exact problem. They are on call, every hour of the day and night, and are trained to deal with every request we may make of them."

"I'll go after my bath," Luna said.

Celestia's eyes drooped into a heavy-lidded glare.

"Fine, I'll go now," Luna capitulated. "But I'm going to cancel tonight’s Night Court. You can deal with the endless parade of nobles, each requesting tax concessions."

The two sisters walked the halls. Celestia wearing a smug grin. Luna gritting her teeth against her discomfort, concentrating on both her gait and keeping her tail still.

-----

Luna stood, contemplating the absurdity that the Royal Infirmary had a waiting room. With only two princesses in residence at the castle, the thought that either of them should be subjected to wait was galling. She had considered reading one of the magazines, but they all appeared as if they had been placed there before her banishment. She had elected to stand and quietly fume instead.

"The doctor will see you now," an earth pony nurse called, "if you would walk this way."

"If I could walk that way," Luna muttered to herself, "I wouldn't need to see the doctor."

The examination room was a very confronting space. The walls and cabinets were stark white. The lighting was bright and harsh. While the temperature was adequate, the room itself felt cold and impersonal. Luna looked around, guardedly.

"Princess, what seems to be the trouble?" The doctor was a grey coated unicorn, his tail and mane a deep burgundy. The mark on his flank was a curled stethoscope.

"I have an irritation on my hindquarters. An itch. It is most uncomfortable."

"When did you first notice it?" the doctor scribbled notes on a chart.

"During my patrol of the castle. I'd just come in from a walk through the gardens. It must have been about nine-thirty."

"Did it come on suddenly, or was it a slowly building sensation?" More notes were written.

"Quite suddenly. It was preceded by a quite sharp pain."

"Like a bite?"

"Perhaps."

"Exactly where is the source of the itch?"

Luna blushed, hard. "In a very intimate place. Quite close to my dock. Right in the sensitive skin of that area."

The doctor completed his notes, and idly tossed the chart onto his cluttered desk. "Right, let's get a look. Hop on the table, on your back, and pop your hind legs into the stirrups."

"What? Luna asked flatly.

"I have a sneaky suspicion about the cause of your itch, but I cannot confirm anything until after a visual examination. The sooner we start, the sooner it will be done with." The doctor patted the examination table. "Up you get."

"I'm afraid you might be rather too familiar there, doctor," Luna growled.

"Princess, I am a doctor. I have had years of training. I have sworn an oath, one I take very seriously. I have been required to perform similar examinations countless times in the past. I am in the employ of the castle, and was chosen for this position by your sister herself. Of course, my nurse will remain to chaperone. But let me assure you, I take no pleasure from these exams."

"So you say," Luna's voice dripped with skepticism.

"Look," the doctor spoke without bothering to hide his irritation, "unless you're in estrus, it's just skin. If you've seen one, you've seen them all. If you want this itch to go away, you'll follow your doctor's orders."

With that, he turned to the cabinets to arrange his instruments. The grunting noises, and the squeak of the stirrups told him that the princess was complying with his requests. He turned, ready to start the exam. "Now princess..." He frowned at the sight before him. "Princess Luna, relax your tail, and allow gravity to uncover what I need to examine," he said in an irritated tone.

"I have taken husbands that did not feel compelled to scrutinize my nethers in such detail, even whilst performing their matrimonial duties," Luna grumbled.

"You poor, poor mare," the young nurse replied, only to receive a glare from both the princess and the doctor. "What? Scrutiny often leads to foreplay..."

"Ahem!" The doctor interrupted. "Best we get on with the exam."

He sparked up a bright lamp next to the table, and flipped down the head mirror over his right eye. A ring of illumination passed over Luna's most intimate region in a manor she was just about to protest. "A-ha!" the doctor called out, interrupting her tirade before it could start.

"You found something?" Luna asked.

"Nurse! Pass me a number 3 forceps, fill a specimen jar with alcohol, and prepare an antiseptic wipe."

"Yes, doctor."

"Princess, you may feel a sharp pinching sensation, and the antiseptic will sting. But your itch will soon be gone."

"Well, get on... YEEEOUCH!!!" The walls shook with the cry of pain. "A sharp pinch? You might soon discover that the Canterlot dungeons are a little drafty. The chains we have attached to the walls are also a touch heavy..."

The doctor held up the newly filled specimen jar in his telekinesis. "Princess, you managed to pick up a rather common parasite, probably during your walk through the castle gardens."

Luna stared down over her belly, a frown on her face, her ears cocked as far back as they could go, and her teeth bared in a threatening manner. The nurse, on the receiving end of the princesses ire, switched her grip on the antiseptic swab from her muzzle to her forehoof. "No pony with a horn knows what earth ponies have to go through in the medical profession," she muttered under her breath, but still loud enough to be clearly heard.

"A parasite, you say?" Luna returned her attention to the doctor, trying hard to ignore the unsettling breach of decorum from the beige coated nurse.

"Yes, quite common for this time of year. I'm surprised you came to the infirmary. All of the castle groomers are well trained in dealing with them."

"Do you mean to say," Luna's voice rose in both volume and pitch, "that I could have asked any one of the myriad of personal groomers in the castle, any one of the mares my sister employs, to deal with this issue instantly, and without the embarrassment of a medical examination?"

"Why, yes. I thought you knew..." The doctor replied flatly.

Luna grimaced as the nurse slapped a bandage on the wound. It was a small, circular band-aid. The bright yellow colour, and smiley face printed on it, indicated that it was intended for small foals. The nurse grinned, it's placement was such that the princess couldn't see it, and would be completely unaware until somepony told her, or helped her remove it. She took a half pace backwards to admire her work. It was all she could do not to burst out laughing, the orientation was perfect for the maximum comedic value.

Luna rolled off the examination table, and peered into the specimen jar. The tiny arachnid floated inside, occasionally twitching as it drowned in the alcohol. "Many centuries ago," the alicorn spoke, "it was quite fashionable to wear jewelry made from amber, often with insects trapped inside. Is there some modern process that can duplicate this?"

"It would be easy to encase it in resin. It's quite common to use things preserved in resin as a teaching aid in medical school. I know several ponies that can do it," the doctor replied.

"Make the arrangements," Luna said. "Have it delivered to my appartments when it is complete. I think a paperweight would be best. It should serve as a suitable reminder for me to clarify things my sister suggests. It appears that I am still quite out of touch with this modern world. The subtleties are enough to drive an immortal alicorn goddess quite insane."

"Would you like a plaque attached?"

"Please have it inscribed with the script, 'Luna's tick.'"

The princess walked regally from the infirmary. It wasn't until the following morning that she discovered the reason why most of the castle staff sniggered as she walked in front of them. Yellow smiley faced band-aids were soon banned from the castle...

Author's Note:

Link to my authors notes. Thanks to all of you, I hope I gave you a laugh.

Comments

[Lumadous]

that thud the people living in the barracks floor below me are probably wondering what the hell that noise was, this is one of those stories that make me laugh at the silliness of something so simple, oh, and the sad thing is that my medic bag has similar band-aid's in it, though none have been used in such a way

[Concordokken]

Throughout this entire story I couldn't stop thinking "U wot m8?"

[Sir Barton]

Nicely done and well handled. After a stressed out day, not a bad way to start off with a grin from some innocent medical comedy.
Luna,

[Spamotron]

If I know Celestia that little stunt with the bandage earned the nurse a bonus

[Peachy Moon]

Wow...just wow....

[Peachy Moon]

3462828 All Whiskies are dicks at heart. Its in the paperwork for enlisting.

[Lumadous]

3466991
I'm not a whiskey, just a 19k who is stuck in infantry land so he's picked up quite a few interesting tricks and such as I've had to 'prove' myself useful to the infantry assholes who are convinced I cannot be of any use in any way

[Peachy Moon]

3467671 Oh, damn. I'm sorry.

[Lumadous]

3468455
for what?

[SWEETOLEBOB18]

Through a chain of mental association, this reminds me of the 1st time I saw 1 of my girl friend's Vinegar Douches. I'm like "WTF, man I've been putting that stuff on lettuce." She Was Not Amused.
#17 on Reasons Why I Don't Eat Rabbit Food

[Admiral Biscuit]

Being an earth pony nurse would suck.
cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/zmuw-1432610943-257428-full
You want me to wash her what?