Celebrating another year of friendship, the girls finish the night with a young and orphaned colt finds a mare from a fallen stars and with her, three wishes. But his wish catches him with a fire that changes his selfishness.
A one shot
AN: Had this idea sitting in my mind for awhile and challenged myself to not use names of the main six and instead use descriptions.
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I am Kalash93 of Authors Helping Authors. I am here with a review for your story.
Grammatik: 7. An issue which stands out is the lack of Oxford commas. These are necessary for separating out items in series of three or more items. There is a big difference between, "I saw the strippers, JFK, and Khrushchev." and "I saw the strippers, JFK and Khrushchev." The former means that you saw strippers, JFK, and Khrushchev. The latter means that you saw JFK and Khrushchev, who were both strippers. There were a few times when you used the wrong ending punctuation park. Early on, you ended a question with a period. There were times when you had issues with tense agreement, switching between present in past when it did not sense to do so. Get a skilled proofreader to go over it and correct the remaining problems. Still, your grammar was otherwise pretty good.
Positives:
1. You used effective imagery.
2. I enjoyed the fairy tale.
3. All the characters fit their canon personalities.
Negatives:
1. Refine your formatting.
2. The fairy tale did not always make sense.
3. Did not use names for your canon characters.
Comments:
Okay, I have to admit that this story is a mixed bag. It has good and bad, but the good outweighs the bad. You aren't a very experienced writer, so I'm being nicer than usual.
On the positive side, you used highly effectively imagery. You immediately draw in the reader with how you describe the fire, or the blankets, or the weather. Your imagery is fiercely visual, describing how the fire acts, or likening the color of something to the color of the night sky. Many authors forget that a very important aspect of writing for setting and locale is the visual aspect. Try to expand out into other types of imagery when it is appropriate. You used a bit of tactile imagery for describing the cold, which is a start. Secondly, I liked the fairy tale, or is it a folk tale? Either way, I enjoy that you told a story like that. It played nicely with my expectations, and was a welcome change of pace. Perhaps you could use a future story to actually give us the firsthand account of the folktale. As for the mare and the colt, I ship them, and really would like to see a story about their relationship. It's one of the more interesting romance possibilities I've seen come out of a fic in a while that isn't a crack pairing. Thirdly, all the canon characters seem like themselves. This story is one that I actually could fully believe to have been part of an episode. Congratulations on doing them so well that they felt like themselves, instead of interpretations of who they are.
On the negative side, you need to fix your formatting. Your first paragraph is not indented, but all the others are. Either you indent all your paragraphs, or you indent none of them, unless you are going for a specific effect, such as representing the exact design of in-story text. Also, although it is not technically required, you ought to add a line between your paragraphs. This will make it easier to read. Walls of text are generally not good things. Secondly, your fairy tale did not always make sense. There's internal logic which is not clarified, such as seemingly everypony hating the colt. And is he deaf? I was never entirely sure of it, because it seems like he is written sometimes like he can hear, but tends not to listen, and at other times like he is deaf. It feels very jumbled and confused. Really revise and expand it, because I'm not sure that everything is as well explained as you might think it is. I think that if you wrote up the fairy tale as a separate story of at least 6000 words, then you could have a real winner. Thirdly, use names for the canon characters in your story. This was an interesting experiment. However, not all experiments really work. Not using names would have gone over better with minor characters or with OC's, but when you're going to have so much dialogue between main canon characters, it's so much better to occasionally use their actual names. Look up "Lavender Unicorn Syndrome" in the writing guides.
Conclusion:
Your story is fine. The core story is alright, but unremarkable apart from the odd stylistic choies, and the interesting fairy tale told in the middle. There are no real draws to this story, which is why it has not attracted much attention or feedback. There is not much negative to say about it, but neither is there much to praise the story for. Anyway, you show that you understand the basic essentials of writing and storytelling, and you have demonstrated that you definitely have potential. Focus on writing more conventional short stories, and evolve to write narratives of greater complexity and interest. If you want more feedback, then review stories for others on Authors Helping Authors. Keep writing and you'll get better.
Your story wins an average 5/10 flutteryays.
I hope you enjoyed your review. Please, return the favor and drop a review on my story, Bratan
URL: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/145028/bratan
Keep calm and brony on-
Kalash93.