You Can Tell Me Anything
Twilight moved the quill with her magic carefully. She was yet again, writing another letter to Celestia. This time it wasn't about friendship.... well technically it was more than friendship, something she had wanted to admit to the Princess. That she l....lo....love- okay she couldn't really say the words, but they were there!
"You can tell me anything, my faithful student."
Twilight repeated those words in her head, over and over again. Anything.... anything.... did that mean she could tell the princess how she really felt? Twilight groaned and crumpled up the paper that sat in front of her. This was pointless, it wasn't going anywhere. She stood up and sighed, pacing around the library. Spike was out right now, helping Rarity around the shop.
"I'm not going to get anywhere at this rate! How do I even tell a sun goddess that I love her?!" Twilight cried out, hitting her head against a wall. She sighed, her wings ruffling a bit. What was she going to do? Just go over to Canterlot and tell the princess she loved her? ....that could actually work....
Twilight used her magic to pick up her saddle bag and put it on her back, clipping a band that hung off it around her neck so it wouldn't fall off while flying. God, she was glad Dash had taught her how to fly, that made the process a whole lot easier. Should could just teleport, but she needed time to think about what she was going to say when she got there.
She walked outside and swallowed. The sun was nearly setting, Celestia was working her magic. Twilight blushed from even thinking about the princess. She sighed and took a running start before taking off into the air. She passed by Rarity's Boutique and Sugarcube Corner, looking down at it. Her friends would tell her to do this, they knew, it was rather obvious. The way she blushed when Celestia was around, how eager she was to please, and how close she stayed by to the other.
It didn't take a genius to notice feelings. Rarity was the first to notice though, she knew the most about love out of all of their friends.
"So darling!" Rarity said, fitting her friend for a dress for some social event, "I see you have a cruuuush."
"W-what? No!" Twilight said, groaning a bit from how tight the dress was.
"Much too tight...." Rarity muttered before continuing, loosening the dress. "It's obvious, Twilight. You and the Princes.... thick as thieves. You love her, don't you?"
".....I um.... maybe a little," Twilight said, blushing deeply.
"Ahhhh! I knew it! I'm so happy for you tw- wait does she know?" Rarity asked, freezing in place.
"No..."
"You simply MUST tell her!" Rarity cried out. "This is your only chance at true love with the princess!"
"Maybe I will..."
Twilight shook her head and continued flying, a bit scared for what was to come. She went over what she would say in her head.
Princess Celestia.... I love yo-" No, too quick, that was too much.
Princess, I've known you for so long and I really think we shou-" No, that was basically forcing her into a relationship, she needed to think of something else.
Princess, we've known each other for so long and now I think I.... I love you." Not bad, that could work.
Twilight flapped her wings harder, panting a bit. It was still rather hard to fly... She didn't think she would ever get used to this.
There was the castle, Canterlot wasn't too far away, she would be there soon.
Twilight soon arrived at the castle, panting as she walked slowly to the front entrance.
"What is your business-" a new guard started before getting a glare from the other.
"Sorry Princess Twilight, come inside," the other guard said, stepping aside to let Twilight in.
"Thank you...." Twilight mumbled out, her legs shaking a bit as she walked inside. She was so scared... what if the princess rejected her?
Twilight's heart beat faster as she walked up the stairs and down a hallway that led to Celestia's room. The world around her seemed to move in slow motion, everything was frozen in time but her.
She finally reached the door and gently brought a hoof up to knock on it.
"Enter," a voice boomed out from inside the room.
Twilight shakily entered the room. "H-hello princess."
Celestia looked up and smiled, "Twilight! My student, what brings you here?"
"I uh... have something to um... tell you..."
"Which is?"
Twilight's heart beat faster as she looked up at the princess. It was now or never.
"I....I love you... And not just as a friend or anything, like in a relationship. I love you, I want you to be my special somepony...." Twilight mumbled out, bowing her head. "I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way about me... I'll go nowm I just needed to tell you."
"Twilight wait. I have something to say to you." Celestia said which made Twilight stop and turn around.
"Y-yes...?"
Celestia stared at her for a second. "Normally, I would never say the same thing, I can't be in a relationship with a normal pony. But you are an alicorn. You are immortal. So... I love you too, Twilight."
Twilight got a large grin on her face before fainting. Celestia picked her up with magic, a small smile on her face as she set her down on her own bed.
"Sleep well, my student." Celestia kissed the top of her head, "I love you."
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Maggie!
You're back!
3287155
Why yes I am mi amiiiiigo!!!!
3287203 yay
Er.. what?
It's just like you wrote down the idea "Twilight confesses her love to Celestia" and then just spread it out like butter on bread, rather than showing how the characters involved are thinking and why they act as they do. In short, I wanted to like this (it's Twilestia!), but it's genuinely flat. Characters just do stuff and it's not conveyed why.
Funny how one letter can drastically change a sentence. "Princess", wiith two 's'es.
"now"
I like Twilestia, but this seems like it was rushed. You have a good concept I could definetly see twilight as being akward and debating whether or not she should say anything, but the charecters in this were boring I'm sorry to say. Also way too many spelling errors for me. But don't let me discourage you from continuing to write.
See, I love all the comments about what I did wrong. But, this was a welcome back fic, also, I wrote it in 30 minutes. While sick. Fuuuuun.
The premise could work, but it seemed flat. There was no real development and almost no story at all. Really you could sum this story up: Twilight told Celestia that she loved her, and Celestia said I love you too. There should have been some development, introspection, consideration something that isn't covered in that one sentence above. I think you could be a great writer, just draw things out a little more.
ayo maggie, dis story BE DA SHIT YO!
LIKE DAYUM YOU COULD FEEL DAH FUKKIN LOVE HERRRR
COMIN FROM DA TRUEST HOMIE, DIS IS TRUE LUV DAWG
I GIV THIS SHIEEEEEET 10/10 GURL
KEEP DIS SHIT UP
PEACE HOMIE G
3288268 This. The story could be quite interesting...but it'd need to be about three times as long for it to be so.
Howdy! Would you like to submit your story to the "Twilestia is bestia" contest page (it's in the Forums) for a chance to win the monthly contest? First prize is a private spot in the folder "Contest Winners", which is currently empty and so would get your fic a lot more favourites and views. Just something to consider.
Basically, what the others have said, goes for me as well. There is a reason why most successful stories follow a 3 act structure. It works. You have the beginning of the story? Check... sorta. Build up to a climax? Er, no. Sorry. There is very little build up here. It feels more like we were dropped into the final chapter of a much longer story. No motivations are given for either mare to feel the way they do, very little introspection is done (and only for Twilight), and the story consists of one action, really: confess to Celestia. That's why the ending feels flat; there is no build up to the final confrontation.
Now, I realize that with only 1k+ words, there isn't a lot of room for all that, but it can be done. This story is taking advantage of the fact that we're fans of the show, so it doesn't really tell us anything about the characters or setting. Fine. I can deal with that. However, it doesn't tell us anything that we can't tell from the show, except for Twilight's feelings for Celestia, and even that is only given a few lines. We are not told why Twilight feels this way. Something other than "I love her" is needed to show us how her feelings have changed from the canon. Also, a little more description would be nice. I didn't even know this was Twilicorn until you mentioned her wings (I was recommended this story by the Twilestia group).
You want positive criticisms? Well, try these on for size. You kept them in character. You didn't break the fourth wall. Though there were some spelling and grammatical mistakes (I'd point them out, but based on the fact that you neither corrected the ones pointed out to you already, nor did you acknowledge the commentors who did so, making me adding to the list pointless), they weren't in numbers sufficient to make me want to claw my eyes out. Basically, anything aside from the above negative criticisms, you did right. It's a good premise, but it takes more than a good premise to make a good story.
I'm not a master writer like some others on this site. (Seriously some of these people should be English professors am I right?) I personally liked what you did here. I'm not an expert but I was on the edge of my seat just like Twilight. So while my opinion may not count for much... You get a fave, a like and a watch from me.
Yeah fairly rushed. This fic could use a prologue or back story.
Very rushed, but still good.
That was so utterly doofy that it went all the way through forced and awkward and become funny and cute again.
This feels... a bit hollow. There's something missing - perhaps a larger chunk of the story, or more build-up.
Or maybe more awkward Twilight, I don't know.
Celestia's reaction leaves something to be desired, as well. I didn't know she was this calculating, you know. I would think, if there was anything the passing time has taught her, it would be to seize the opportunity - because in a short few years it'd be gone, never to return.