• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2013
  • offline last seen 5 hours ago

Undome Tinwe


Beautiful stranger, here you are in my arms/But I think it's finally, finally, finally, finally, finally safe/For me to fall

T
Source

Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there was a royal couple who ruled together and created harmony for all the land...

A thousand years after banishing her beloved to the moon, Princess Twilight Sparkle will have to face the sins of her past as her student fights for their future.


Expanded version of the third-place finalist in the Quills and Sofas Speedwriting Lesbian Pride contest.

An entry into the Pride and Positivity event. Please consider donating to help those in need:

An entry into the Reunions Roleswap Contest.

An entry into the The My Little Pony Renaissance Contest.

Thanks to wishcometrue for editing and to Shaslan for the cover art and for the name of Rarity's evil form.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 24 )

Ehh... I was kinda hoping of different variants of the Bearers like Luna but this was still a good story.

RB_

I liked this, but I'm also quite conflicted. On one hand, the worldbuilding is nice, I like the little glimpses we get of what a world would look like with Twilight in charge. The writing is solid, and in particular, Twilight and Rarity's interactions are lovely. I also quite liked "shoot first, ask questions later" Celestia quite a bit. Adorable little scamp.
But on the other hand, it also seems like there's a lot of untapped potential, because what it feels like to me is that it's the first two episodes minus a lot of the parts that made those episodes interesting. And as much as I like what is there, I wish the worldbuilding could impact the plot more, serve more of a purpose in the narrative. A story like this, I want to see how those changes made things play out differently, and that's just not there for the most part. And I know that wasn't the focus, but without it, we jump from before the conflict to after the conflict, and with nothing in between, it just feels like something's... missing.
I dunno. That's how I feel, anyway. Overall, good work, but I can't help but think it could have been better.
Best of luck in the contest!

Sequel would be nice.

She vowed that the land would become an eternal bacchanalia.

And immediately everyone on this site wants the villian to win.

Whelp, now I want a sequel, and possibly with the twist that Rarity was never cured of her corruption and her evil alter ego do appears from time to time, possibly when twilight is either in grave danger or goes full villain herself

Interesting AU premise. Does Rarity get a "Fabulous Night" where everyone dresses up in fanciful costumes and celebrates with exquisite foods? ;)

10873418
You settled my own thoughts truly. It was good but it was lacking that...flair that could make it great.

I really wish their was simply more too everything. But really I suppose if my complaint is that I want more of what they put out...? Well, thats a good problem to have. Still a problem but a good one noneless.

It's cute very cute and very nice to read...
Rarilight is one my fav ships in the fandom :twilightsmile:

Well, now I'm really glad I cut the Episode 1 storybook opening from my contest entry. It would have been entirely too much like showing up to a party in the same dress. Doesn't help that mine was twice as long because I haven't learned brevity yet...

Musings on similarities aside, I like this. I'm always a sucker for alternate Princess pairings and how they divide their domains, and Rarity/Twilight as Arts/Sciences is a natural fit. I do agree that it feels a bit... untapped? I want to see more of this universe, get a better read of the characters and worldbuilding, because I'm a sucker for that kinda stuff, but apart from that I really enjoyed it.

OwO Loved it!

What an interesting spin on things. I really enjoyed this story. It was very good.

Daww this was very sweet, but also a pretty interesting AU idea. Very much enjoyed it, nice work

Undome, I think you're required to link to the three charities in the story desc if you want to be in the P&P event.

10875687
I don't think so? But also there is literally no reason not to, so thanks for the heads-up.

Brief but delightful in what's there. I especially like the implication that even under Rarity's spell, the one thing Celestia wanted more than anything was to overload that fusion core. We may need to keep an eye on that mare...

Again, lovely stuff throughout. Thank you for it and best of luck in the various contests.

10875788
It's not a real party until the insurance company gets involved. Celestia and Pinkie get along like a house of fire, much to everyone else's consternation.

10875834
Yea, but, speaking of which, could we see the underbelly of that jumpcut in the middle of the story?

This was interesting. The intellectuality/creativity duality was an interesting substitution for the day/night dynamic, and the threat of trapping everybody in a constant uninhibited rampage is also a much more immediate threat than an eternal nighttime -- I'm sure Discord would have approved.

Blood Diamond was also a very interesting take on a villainous Rarity. I've always wished the show would have shown what happened between Nightmare Moon and Celestia when the former returned, and the confrontation between Blood Diamond and Twilight scratched that itch extremely well. The rejection of a potential reconciliation was also well-done -- if she was anything like Nightmare Moon, Blood Diamond was probably too angry and insane at that point to ever seriously consider giving up her plans and making peace.

Celestia and Luna felt a little bit underused, though. The introduction does a really good job of making them and their relationship interesting, but this isn't... really followed up on? It felt like a dangling thread that never really got woven back into the story, if that makes sense. There's also the concept of a more advanced Equestria, which is hinted at at various points but never fully explored.

All the same, this was an enjoyable story. Best of luck in the contests!

10875788
Wait oh god destructive Celestia...

Anyone here play Cultist Simulator? Blood Diamond reminded me of the Grail aspect--satisfy your passions, whatever they may be, damn the consequences.

10876242
I agree. I would like to see what happened with the sisters that made them reconcile

RDT

Hello, I am one of the judges for the Reunions Swapped Roles contest, and I'm going to share the scores that I gave this story along with the comments. Note that I was just one of three judges, so these comments do NOT reflect what the other judges thought of the story.

Quality 4 / 5

The story is very well written. There were no writing mistakes that I could spot or can still remember. 

I especially liked the engine stating that there was a ‘faint chance’, and then seeing Twilight screw it up. In the engine’s calculations, there was a way to navigate that conversation, but Twilight/Rarity didn’t cooperate.

Though I wonder how much of the conversation Twilight had scripted. You see, it’s a good story when the reader has room to imagine things for themselves.

I wanted to see a little bit more of Twilight’s planning. She didn’t scout out potential Bearers apart from Luna, but she did use engine analysis. The other things she did and did not plan for was something I was interested in.

The emotions were evocative, especially during Twilight’s scene with Blood Diamond. Twilight kept her words careful, while Rarity had no such restraint. And you made Blood Diamond fit Rarity’s character so well.

Overall very well-written story.

Roleswap originality/utilization 3 / 5 

S1E01-02 seems to almost be mandatory for any AU story involving the Mane 6. Twilight taking Celestia’s role is not extremely innovative. 

The sci-fi nature of the new setting is an interesting consequence of having a different ruler for a thousand years, though it really needed some more word count to pad out how certain things would have changed. But the details you did show were well thought-out, such as the naming of the Symposium. Though I’m certain that I am not able to notice some of the details you’ve placed, this is still a rich world.

Prompt utilization 2 / 3

This sure is a reunion. Twilight and Blood Diamond’s first meeting was especially intense, while the second one was some high-tier RariTwi fluff. Nothing which made me go “holy sh**” in real life, but still reasonable and in-character.

This is a pretty interesting AU, and I like the ideas described to us, plus the bits of Rarity and Twilight interaction we see. I do agree with the other comments that it's a lot of tell and not show, though.

Login or register to comment