the wall between the world of Pokemon and equestria has fallen and the Pokemon are under seige! the pokemon's trainers have turned on them and killing them to make profit! the main six must save them
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 18th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Oct 13th, 2014
endario latio
im a young brony with a dream, to actually go to equestria and live in harmony, but until then ill settle with reading and writing fan fics...
endario latio
Joined 18th Sep, 2013 ·
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I'm going to assume by this that you mean outright harsh and/or mean comments. That's fine, no-one wants them.
But I am going to give you some negative critical feedback. Because you need it, and also because there's not a whole lot else to say about this story right now.
Before anything, go read this writing guide. If you take in the information there, then you probably won't need to read any of the rest of this comment, because that's where I get my writing advice from.
Okay then. First, some general touch-ups to grammar, spelling, and presentation.
For starters, walls of text are bad. Some say this is debatable, but not many. Your first chapter has a mere three paragraphs in it. This needs some spacing out. A few golden rules of knowing when to make a new paragraph are: "one idea per paragraph", "new speaker, new paragraph", and "when in doubt, make a new paragraph." Less is more with paragraph size. More is more with numbers of paragraphs.
In terms of punctuation, you need to make sure sentences and names start with a capital letter. Also, use one exclamation mark, at most. It's fine to double up for a "!?" or "?!", but exclamation marks do not do well in crowds of their own kind.
As for spelling... well, the squiggly red line underneath words is your friend, he's only there to help, so don't ignore him. Try looking up any words you don't feel comfortable with.
Another issue I noticed was your descriptions, or lack thereof. I have no idea what type of Pokemon Vis and Sunset were. They were a dog and a fox, sure, and I get why you described them like that, because that's what they were to Twilight's perspective. But then you called Voltorbs and Mightyenas by their names, so that shows a lack of consistency. Same problem with guy who saved them in chapter two, but forgiveable, since you were trying to build tension.
And then there's the three year timeskip, which raises so many questions. Such as, "why did the legendary Pokemon give their lives to the elements?" and "why did they even need to?" and also, "what relevance did Vis and Sunset actually have to the plot?"
I think, if your intention was to have the major plot happening in this three year future, it would have been better to start with this time as the present, and then have a flashback to the events that kicked it off somewhere in the middle. Otherwise, the first scene feels disconnected from the rest, and kind of pointless.
Well anyway, I think I've given you enough to be working with for now. Don't take this to mean that your story is necessarily bad. There's a somewhat interesting tale in there, from what I can see. You just need to work on your methods of bringing this tale out into the written form.
i like i posted mine today and everyone hated it
it was my first but oh well
i like yours
vis is an absol and sunset is an eevee, i got the pokemon ideas from another (FAN FIC)
Make the bandits grow wings because magic.
3230085 why would i make human thieves wings?
There's an video To say about this Chapter!
Don't you mean Mega Absol?
3245800 i tried to make a reason for mega absol in the first place, i didn't want the mega stones to just POP up without a reason...
3247930 Oh!
I think I'm going to leave this chapter, I'm not going to delete it, but I will make a similar fic with the same characters... yes I know why not delete this one, but I like your comments.