two worlds depend

by endario latio

the return part 1

it had been three years since the pokemon had come to the world of equestria, and the pokemon had made ties with the ponies the legendaries had given up their life force to the elements of harmony, magic can control time and space, honesty controls knowledge willpower and can swap bodies, loyalty controls the continents and so forth. however, some were needed like palkia and dialga so they only gave only a little of their power, some like rayquaza refused altogether claiming to need all of their power. which is true in the sense of unless cave-ponies fighting robot-ponies in the middle of ponyville which is floating in the vacuum of space, no thought so. anyway the ponies and the pokemon traded goods and intelligence about the dark forces like the changelings and other things though very few were seen besides the market. the princess sisters began to worry about the pokemon because they were appearing less and less as the moons went by. eventually the mane six were called forth by princess celestia (Tia told twilight to bring her friends back to canterlot ) and sent to the lands that were claimed by the pokemon our story continues here...

“Darling, do we have to go through all this mudy gungk? i mean really...” Rarity complained. they had been walking through a forest a lot like the everfree forest,

applejack deadpanned:“we've only just landed, twalight, fluttershy and rainbow dash carried us to the edge of the pokemon territory, and i bet they’re not happy about that,”

to which twilight replied, “ oh no it was no trouble at all!!! its not like theirs a train that leads us into town...” And as she said that a little cat with a gold footprint-like crest on his forehead slipped out of the bushes and bounded of yowling, “RUN!!!!! THEIR COMING!!! THE HUMANS!!!” as the cat bounded away a mob of biped creatures with swords crushing anything in their path.

the six were horrified at the carnegie caused by the humans, blood splattered across the ferns and bushes, the scream of pain from the cat and the triumphant roar of the one who killed the cat, “ HAHA!!!! THIS PELT WILL FETCH A HEFTY PRICE!!!!” then one fat human turned and noticed the ponies “hey hey hey! look what i found, six weird multi coloured ponytas!!! lets get ‘em !!”

Another thing flashed past and blocked the blow from the fat man’s blade with his own, “ next one to move dies!” he turned his head to the ponies “ get out of here if you're squeamish!” he ended the block with a slash to the chest which was sidestepped by the bandit and so the fight continued until all the bandits were either dead or dying. the one who saved the ponies turned towards them and asked “are you alright?”

Author's Note:

spooky right? i thought that in the preys perspective the common hunt can be murder.... rate fairly! comment on my spelling mistakes, punctuation and on what you want to see! sorry it's short! i will read comments daily so... endario, out!

Comments

[endario latio]

[SkyDreamer]

please no negative comments

I'm going to assume by this that you mean outright harsh and/or mean comments. That's fine, no-one wants them.
But I am going to give you some negative critical feedback. Because you need it, and also because there's not a whole lot else to say about this story right now.

Before anything, go read this writing guide. If you take in the information there, then you probably won't need to read any of the rest of this comment, because that's where I get my writing advice from.

Okay then. First, some general touch-ups to grammar, spelling, and presentation.

For starters, walls of text are bad. Some say this is debatable, but not many. Your first chapter has a mere three paragraphs in it. This needs some spacing out. A few golden rules of knowing when to make a new paragraph are: "one idea per paragraph", "new speaker, new paragraph", and "when in doubt, make a new paragraph." Less is more with paragraph size. More is more with numbers of paragraphs.

In terms of punctuation, you need to make sure sentences and names start with a capital letter. Also, use one exclamation mark, at most. It's fine to double up for a "!?" or "?!", but exclamation marks do not do well in crowds of their own kind.

As for spelling... well, the squiggly red line underneath words is your friend, he's only there to help, so don't ignore him. Try looking up any words you don't feel comfortable with.

Another issue I noticed was your descriptions, or lack thereof. I have no idea what type of Pokemon Vis and Sunset were. They were a dog and a fox, sure, and I get why you described them like that, because that's what they were to Twilight's perspective. But then you called Voltorbs and Mightyenas by their names, so that shows a lack of consistency. Same problem with guy who saved them in chapter two, but forgiveable, since you were trying to build tension.

And then there's the three year timeskip, which raises so many questions. Such as, "why did the legendary Pokemon give their lives to the elements?" and "why did they even need to?" and also, "what relevance did Vis and Sunset actually have to the plot?"
I think, if your intention was to have the major plot happening in this three year future, it would have been better to start with this time as the present, and then have a flashback to the events that kicked it off somewhere in the middle. Otherwise, the first scene feels disconnected from the rest, and kind of pointless.

Well anyway, I think I've given you enough to be working with for now. Don't take this to mean that your story is necessarily bad. There's a somewhat interesting tale in there, from what I can see. You just need to work on your methods of bringing this tale out into the written form.

[Dragonborn]

[endario latio]

vis is an absol and sunset is an eevee, i got the pokemon ideas from another (FAN FIC)

[Kraken Hatchling]

Make the bandits grow wings because magic.

[endario latio]

3230085 why would i make human thieves wings?

[Karsap]

There's an video To say about this Chapter!