Trigun: The Honest Disaster

by Genis94

Introduction to Insanity

The innkeeper froze up as he found himself on the business end of a .45 pistol, with a sadistic grin plastered on the face of it's owner. The man had an attire consisting of a vest and jeans, forgoing wearing a shirt. He was bald and had an X shaped scar on his cheek. His partners were all wearing bandannas in order to hide their faces.

"Come on, old timer! This trigger is pretty sensitive." He threatened.

"P-Please...! I don't want any trouble." He begged.

The scar faced man pressed the barrel of his gun against the inn keeper's head.

"Then you'd better hurry up and hand over the cash. My trigger discipline ain't so good."

"DOWAHHHHH!" A scream came from outside.

Everyone inside the inn looked out to see a man in a red coat fall to the ground from the second floor of the inn. The man slowly picked himself off the ground and dusted himself off. He turned around to see the confused faces of the robbers.

"Eh he he he..." He nervously laughed.

"Just who the hell is this idiot?" One of the group blurted out.

"Oh sheesh, I get so embarrassed when I have to introduce myself. But since you asked, I'm like a hunter of peace, chasing the elusive mayfly known as-"

*Bang*

A bullet blasted a hole in the ground just in front of Vash's feet, interrupting his speech.

"I don't give a damn who you are. You'll die all the same if you move another inch."

"D-Die?" Vash repeated.

"Yeah, you damned fool! Buried six feet under."

"THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME!" He screamed before fleeing in a panic.

The robbers were all dazed in confusion once again. Vash's sporadic behavior was something that none of them could have anticipated.

"So it's a goose chase he wants, huh? You two, with me!" He instructed to the lackeys on his left.

The three outlaws ran after Vash down the street, each one brandishing their guns. The remaining two of their band began chuckling to themselves.

"How long do you think he's gonna last?"

"I'd give him five minutes tops. That beanpole has more hair than he does brains."

Meanwhile, Millie and Meryl looked out the window in horror.

"We really can't go an hour with this idiot before he winds up in the middle of a gunfight, can we?" Meryl groaned to herself.

"Well, I don't think it was Mister Vash's fault. They didn't seem to know about the bounty." Millie stated.

"Still, he's practically a magnet for trouble like this. We'd better get after him so we can verify any damage he causes."

"Just what in tarnation is going on? This happens a lot?" Applejack asked.

"Yes, it does. This is why we have to survey him 24/7." Meryl said as she began climbing out onto the awning. "Wolfwood, can you keep her out of trouble?"

"Sure thing. Beats the hell out of getting into another gunfight today." The priest said as he took a drag on his cigarette.

The two Bernardeli agents carefully lowered themselves to the ground and snuck away from the inn to avoid drawing the attention of the remaining two robbers. Applejack wasn't quite so happy with the situation. Vash seemed to be the one most knowledgeable about what she was, so it stood to reason that he might have a clue about how to get her back home. With that in mind, she couldn't sit idly by as he ran around the town with three armed bandits chasing him. She adjusted her stetson and made her way over to the door.

"Whoa whoa whoa. Where do you think you're going?" Wolfwood asked.

"Ah ain't just sittin' here while my best chance at gettin' home is runnin' for his life."

"You don't have to worry about Needle Noggin; he usually deals with worse than this."

"All the same, Ah can't stand doin' nothin' at a time like this." Applejack defiantly told him.

"And your plan for getting past the two guys still downstairs?"

Applejack winced in anger. As much as she hated to admit it, she had no real plan for getting past the two remaining robbers. The weapons she saw the others holding looked quite dangerous despite their size, so just rushing in was the worst option on the table. Climbing out the window was more logical, but there was the matter of the innkeeper. She couldn't bring herself to just run off and leave him to fend for himself.

"Fine, so what's your plan if you're so sure of yourself?" She bitterly asked.

"You really won't let this go, huh?"

Applejack only replied with a steeled gaze. Wolfwood let out a sigh in annoyance.

"Dear God, why must I be put through these ordeals?" He asked his lord.

--------

Vash bolted around a corner as he assessed the situation.

Okay, there are only three of them, and they seem lightly armed. I can probably take care of at least two of them when they round the corner.

Vash quickly pivoted and lowered his stance, stretching one leg further ahead of him to stabilize his aim.

"Found ya, you sorry little-" The leader yelled as he rounded the corner.

*Click*

"Eh?" Vash blurted.

He pulled the trigger again, only to be met by a hollow click.

"OH CRAP!"

He began scrambling down the street again, jumping and weaving to avoid gunfire.

I must have used them all earlier!

*Growl*

Vash then came to the horror of realizing that his gun was not the only thing that was empty.

"Oh, maman! This just keeps happening, and now I'm hungry and don't have any bullets, maman! ...Why am I crying in French again?"

Vash vaulted over a barrel and darted into an alleyway. As he made his turn down the street, he nearly collided with Meryl and Millie.

"Don't run to us!" Meryl shouted.

"But I'm out of bullets and I'm really hungry and I'm tired and I just want to take a nap!" Vash cried.

"Do I look like your mother? Cry about this on your own time!"

"Um, Meryl?" Millie meekly said.

"What is it, Millie?"

Meryl froze as she turned around and saw the three outlaws that were chasing Vash standing with their guns pointed at Millie.

"I don't know who you two broads are, but you're gonna stay nice and still while I beat the tar out of this jackass." The leader said.

Vash was grabbed by the collar as the outlaw grabbed his pistol by the barrel and prepared to pummel him with the butt.

"W-Wait! Can't we settle this peacefully?" He pleaded.

"Afraid not."

--------

Applejack crept down the stairs closely behind Wolfwood. Her persistence had paid off, and the man begrudgingly agreed to help her fight past the remaining two outlaws to get to Vash. Wolfwood tucked his pistol away inside his jacket, opting to leave the Cross Punisher behind in the room. She looked past him at the entrance of the inn. One of the bandits had grown board and was fiddling with his revolver, spinning and releasing the cylinder over and over again. The other kept his eyes on the innkeeper, not wanting him to try and make a break for it.

"So what's the plan?" She whispered to Wolfwood.

Wolfwood pulled out a fresh cigarette and lit it with his lighter.

"We show these men the righteous word of God." He responded, blowing out smoke.

Applejack waved away the foul fog, as Wolfwood got to his feet and casually strolled into the lobby.

"My sons, I know not why you follow this evil path, but you must abandon it and come back to the light." He proclaimed.

"Who the hell are you?" The one that was playing with his revolver asked, nearly dropping the weapon from surprise.

"I'm but a humble priest, and I seek only to save your souls from damnation."

The more vigilant one walked over with a grin on his face.

"So you speak the word of God, eh? Well you can tell him..." He said as he took the cigarette away from Wolfwood. "That he can lick my boots and kiss my ass!" He taunted, grinding the cigarette into the floor.

"You should repent before his boot lands upon you."

Before he could ask what the priest meant, he was blindsided by a powerful kick to the head, knocking him into the wall and rendering him unconscious. The other bandit pulled back the hammer of his revolver and prepared to fire on the woman that had knocked out his companion, but was shot in the leg and collapsed to the ground. Applejack reeled at the loud noise that came from the gun, but was even more startled at the damage it had done to the man.

"Here." Wolfwood said, tossing the weapon dropped from the first thug to Applejack.

It was a lever action rifle, one in fair condition to boot. Applejack ran her hands along the strange weapon, getting a feel for the weight. She shouldered the rifle and looked down the sight, trying to figure out how it worked.

"Hey Wolfwood, how do Ah-"

"Don't point that thing at me!" He yelled as he shoved the barrel to face the floor.

"Never point this at anyone unless you mean to shoot. Got it?"

"Ah got it." She replied.

"Good, now let's hurry up and find Needle Noggin. Lord knows what's going on with him right now."

--------

Vash prepared himself to be hit with the butt of the pistol, getting ready to use his boot knife to stab the man in the thigh and take down his friends. However...

*Shrip*

The sound of leather ripping permeated the air, quickly followed by a massive weapon falling from under Millie's cloak and landing right on the foot of her captor.

"Son of a bitch!" He screamed in pain, dropping his weapon and grabbing his foot in agony.

Millie grabbed her weapon and swung it up to rest it on her shoulder, hitting the man in the face midway.

"Oh, the darn sling broke again." She complained.

Meryl took advantage of the distraction and slammed her heel hard into the foot of the bandit holding her up. Once his grip loosened from the pain, she drew one of her derringer pistols and forced him to surrender.

"What the hell group of freaks did we run into?" The leader asked himself.

"You know..."

The leader soon found himself twisted into an arm lock by Vash. And began crying out "uncle".

"Just a hunter of peace and two insurance girls." He answered.

"Vash! Thank Celestia, y'all are alright!" Applejack said with relief as she ran up to the group.

"Told ya Needle Noggin would be fine." Wolfwood said as he took a drag from his fresh cigarette.

"What's she doing here?!" Vash blurted as he tossed the outlaw leader to the ground.

"She wouldn't stop insisting on going after you! It was better than her charging off without a plan!" Wolfwood countered.

"I didn't want her charging off at all!"

"Well it happened! Besides, we took care of those two goons left at the Inn."

"She fought them?!" Vash shouted, even angrier than before.

"Both of y'all! Shut it!" Applejack shouted.

"Yes, ma'm." Vash weakly muttered.

"The girl has lungs, that's for sure..." Wolfwood added as he rubbed his ear.

"Look, Ah made the decision to go after ya, but that don't mean you should be frettin' none. Ah can handle myself. So Ah don't want either of y'all treatin' me like Ah'm baggage. As long as Ah'm stickin' with ya, we're all in it together."

"Okay... I was just concerned for your safety, and everyone else's. That's why I lured these guys away." Vash explained.

"So fallin' out that window was all part of the plan?"

"Yeah, but it did hurt more than I expected. Perhaps the kiss from a beautiful maiden would help make it feel be-"

Vash was cut off as his ear was yanked by Meryl.

"Knock it off you dog!" She shouted.

"Owowowowow OW! Uncle! UNCLE!" Vash pleaded.

"Ah got this." Applejack said as she relieved Meryl from her disciplinary duty.

Applejack swept Vash to the ground with a leg sweep, then proceeded to stomp her foot directly next to his head.

"Keep them cat calls up, and Ah'll be sure to give y'all a kick where the sun don't shine." She threatened.

"Y-yes, ma'm! I won't do it again!" Vash quickly apologized.

"Good, then we have an understandin'." She said, removing her boot and hoisting Vash to his feet. "Now let's head back. Ah'm plumb tuckered out. Oh, and the innkeeper said rooms are free after we saved the day."

"What a day..." Vash muttered.

Author's Note:

Oh man, what's it been? A year? So the question you're all asking: "Where were you"? Well, school became quite the thing to juggle, not to mention my roommate was crap... I also had been doing some other pieces in my free time. But when I came back and saw all the support for this story, I couldn't just let it waste away. So no matter how long it takes, I'm finishing this one.

Comments

[leafz pegasus]

all of my yes

[Grankuwaga]

It Lives~!!!
ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41WftB4Q5jL._SL500_SS500_.jpg

[MrAskAPirate]

Honest Disaster updated... my evening is complete,

[Hallucination]

IT'S BACK!!

[Tatsurou]

So glad to have it back. Hope updates will be more frequent...and that you remember where you were going with it after all this time!

Like that scene with AJ, Wolfwood, and the gun. Also like AJ putting Vash in his place. ...but where did she learn bipedal hand to hand combat so fast?

[Genis94]

5265070 Suspension of disbelief. In any of these fics there is almost no good explanation for how any of the characters can move around in these bodies in the amount of time they do. That said, AJ is no stranger to scrapes in Equestria, so it stands to reason she has a few moves that translate over into this body.

[KiaraGate]

Oh praise the lord for this wonderful gift on this day!

[sirraf]

5265081 my best guess is that the body instills some form of innate muscle memory in the mind of its user.

[killergoonie]

Great to see this story updating again. Too bad there isn't more trigun and mlp crossover stories. either way another great chapter. can't wait to see more.

[Number_2]

When I see this story while flipping trough my favorites I always say to myself, "That is one of the best ideas I've seen. Too bad it probably won't continue." Boy am I glad I was wrong.

If I were to give some critique I'd say that you nail Vash, Wolfwood, and Meryl quite well. You got AJ's stubbornness pretty well too. But I think that there's one too many references in here. While we did love those moments in Trigun I think it kinda ruins the immersion. It sticks out too much to say, "Remember that? That was really funny!" But I think that this story can be awesome in it's own right, not using what has already been established as funny and/or awesome. YOU can make that awesome moment when AJ realizes what kind of man Vash is and how skilled/powerful he is. YOU can make those funny moments between AJ and Vash/Wolfwood. YOU can come up with interesting situations to throw these characters into. YOU can do that and I know you can. I'll be here rooting for ya and waiting for the next chapter, Godspeed friend.

[nightfurypony123a]

Can you do more plz?

[verypeeved]

5264392 and now it's dead

[Kurama00]

Dude, I haven't even read the story yet, but I already want to shoot you with Milly's gun multiple times. You haven't updated in over a year! And theres only three chapters!

[Omar]

2016 ...... it's already 2020 and doesn't update huh?
Never mind!! I'll wait for the necessary time because I really like this fic!