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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm proud of what this chapter has become. I feel a little bad I hadn't said anything when the first version went up. I guess we were all a bit set on the idea that this had to end in sex and couldn't see anything else. It took me having to read the scene again to be able to articulate my concerns with it: It was paced too quickly; too much developed in too short a time, and the sex itself felt like more of an anime plot than what we got in previous chapters.
I'm happy I was able to help make this chapter work this time around at least. Maybe that work I did for the Pleasant Reviewers did me some good after all.
Brilliant idea of yours bringing Luna into this chapter. The presence of so many important figures made this particular encounter feel more climactic, like all Five Star's previous encounters built up to this one.
If I didn't worry so much about opsec I'd suggest linking to the googledocs we write on. It's absolutely delirious in there! If I've gained nothing else from being a part of the brony fandom and fimfiction specifically, it's good friends I can cut up and bullshit with. It's a real blessing and I'm thankful for it. I love you guys!
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Thanks! Me too. I'm just sorry I didn't put it this way the first time.
It was a blindness we all shared. But the lesson is learned--sometimes not having sex is better, even in an adult story.
All are valid points. Unfortunately, it took a fight with a reviewer and a reread several months later to make me realize that yeah, this really wasn't good. I'm capable of far better, but... this wasn't the place to do it. It's not that I can't make powerful Phoenix Wright/pony scenes; TLaTU has proven that. Just that they didn't belong here.
You did help, and I thank you. You, DB and SWF did. Unfortunately, the response to it has been nonexistent, but I don't care. This needed to be fixed, and now I'd happily and proudly submit it for review.
Thanks again! The biggest stumbling block I had (aside from the question of sex here) was, if I'm being true to the character at this moment in hi story, how to reach him. He's not going to trust Cadance, particularly if he can tell she's hiding something, so it would take a more direct approach to reach him. A certain Moon princess would have looked into his memories via his dreams, or maybe Mia's spirit herself approached Luna while she was dreamwalking. But either way, Luna knew whose words would reach him.
Well, I may throw them open, but I honestly doubt many people would be interested in reading them at this point. Reads were anemic again on the relaunched chapter and unfortunately, you were the only commenter. I don't regret taking the time to do this; it needed to be fixed and the original versions were really bothering me. Still, wish there was more of a response on it.
Wonder if she's secretly Luna or something.
awesome chapter.
i can say wow this chapter had a total redo and it worked out really good.
now if i cod only vote separately for the new chapter.
as to the song quote early on in the chapter you picked one of my favorite songs.
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Answer follows:
Yes. That’s Luna disguised as Platinum, in place of Cadance, who wanted to be seen in public with Platinum so nobody would guess they were the same pony.
Luna is involved because Cadance asked her to check up on the pasts and character of all prospective gentlemen, knowing that one bad apple at the start could derail the entire enterprise. Luna did so by dreamwalking; she can examine memories in dreams and that’s how she knows about Nick’s past. And based on what she saw, she did send for the trial transcripts because she actually presides as judge sometimes in Equestrian courts and was curious to know more. She was also contacted by the spirit of Mia Fey while scrying one of Nick’s dreams, who gave her some more insights (that’s how she knew about what Mia once told him about the truth) and was actually present when Nick came to Five Stars in her dream. She and Mia were the shadowy figures he was talking to, trying to show him that Five Stars truly did care for him and didn’t want to hurt or trick him, only help him.
Before that, when Nick told them to come clean, Cadance made sure that nobody could spy on them as she revealed that she was Platinum Corona, and the ‘Platinum’ beside her... was Princess Luna, who revealed herself with flourish to the shock of all; poor Nick thought at that moment he was about to get killed given humans know that Luna was once Nightmare Moon. She then assisted in the counseling session by casting a sleep spell and taking Nicholas (with Cadance and Judy in tow) back to the time of his murder trial (much as like what happened in TLaTU) so he could see well and truly what had happened to him there. And the rest... you already know.
So I like I said, a story within a story here. Hope you enjoyed the revamp!
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Thanks! I appreciate the comments and apologize for not answering sooner. I, too, wish you could upvote each chapter. The song certainly seemed appropriate at this stage.
I’m glad to know you think the revamped chapter worked well. It was a huge effort and hassle at times, but turned out quite well for it. Thanks for the following the story, and there will be more written in this universe yet!
Wow! That was a beautiful chapter. Too bad Phoenix didn't stay with Five Stars and marry her in the end. I think they would've made a beautiful couple. But I understand Phoenix needs to find the truth to the conspiracy of what ruined his career.
Although, when it came to that other mare who liked his "brilliant mind", is he referring to a certain princess?
Anyway, outstanding job, man! I didn't think I was gonna like as much as I did. Keep up the great work! Now it's time to read the final chapter.
P.S. It's Luna posing as Platinum at first, but in actuality, Cadance IS Platinum, isn't she?
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Thanks! And exactly. I wanted to keep his greater story intact but perhaps give him some additional reason or impetus for his future actions along the way.
Yes.
I'm very glad you did! This was actually a chapter I had to rewrite because my first attempt at it was very poor. Second try was the charm, fortunately.
For the answer, see the following: https://www.fimfiction.net/story/129552/28/five-star-service-a-gentleman-for-mares-tale/part-27-the-attorney-and-the-earth-pony-2-2#comment/8795601
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I knew it!
> Nick
> Judy
Damn it, I was halfway through part 2 before I got this. *facepalm*