- Member Since 20th Oct, 2014
- offline last seen Dec 30th, 2015
DjDashie
I love the series. Ever since the show began I have felt the need to mix the musical arts of the show in with my own music. The time's come for me to do just that.
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God i love HiE, not pony on pony BUT HOT DANG THIS IS GREAT
3133164 Glad you like it so much considering your preference is HiE
I will make a chapter based on HiE in my next story. I will make sure of it 
"Truth or dare"
"Dare"
" I dare you to get Rainbow Dash off"
" lol k"
If only sex in real life was so simple.
Well i liked it even if it felt a bit quick at some parts.
3133261
Thanks for the input. I will definitely work harder to make it seem a little more erotic and meaningful then just a clop in my later work
Do you think you could do another chapter except with all six?
I am currently in the progress of making a Truth or Dare chapter for a story I've been making. Of course, it's still nothing like this one, but I thought I'd say something to avoid any misconception. It'll still be a day or two before my story is finished.
<--------- Thats what i think of my life. Make a HiE With 100 chapters
3133754
Can't wait!
I will be sure to check it out
3133701
Ahaha Maybe! This was my first story so I'm thinking about moving forward with a new story. I will definitely consider it though. Thank you for your thoughts. I really appreciate it
3134157
Glad to hear. I didn't want you to think I had copied you, haha. It's Anon x Applejack, with Pinkie as an outside character for the story.
3134166
If I was to do Anon with any of the main six, it'd be Applejack, so you've already got me hooked on it
3134171
Nicely writin story specially for your first can't wait for second story
You seem to have a decent grasp of English. There is a lot of room for improvement however, which would help your writing considerably. Definitely get an editor if you can, and also proofread your own work. There was a lot of strange phrasing; stuff that would work in other languages, but sounds slightly awkward in English. One of the biggest things to keep in mind:
Keeping tense and perspective consistent - there was a lot of switching around, even within the same sentence.
Also, they were pretty casual about just getting it on. Building up anticipation and having the game eventually lead up to that point would help establish the mood and flow better. Your best aphrodisiac is the mind, so if you can strongly establish a mood then everything else will be a lot more effective.
Just read a lot and really take a close look at how the great writers craft their stories, then try to apply those concepts to your own work. That's one of the best ways to improve in any field.
Keep it up~
3135833
I will keep at it and try to improve
Thank you very much for the feed back! I really appreciate it
3135833
Also, I'm not 100% solid on getting an editor. I haven't found any trusted sources I can rely on. If you or someone you know is a good editor, please notify me. I will be all over it
Doesn't sound quite like Rarity; perhaps "if not more so"
Just sounds a bit weird
...request them constantly because they were so delicious.
consisted
hard work
had
chocolate
Apple Bloom
Sweetie Belle
Anyway
"Funner" is not a word.
Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack played "Truth or Dare" in Season 1, Episode 8.
Please, please, please go to one of the proofreader groups and ask someone to work with you.
3143076 3138928
Thank you guys for the feedback! This will help me get better as a writer overall
As for the proofreaders, I'm looking for some that're legit. If you know of any, please do NOT hesitate to let me know. Thank you guys!
Okay, as requested from me: a review. Quick, but I hope thorough as well.
Setting aside all things grammar related, the biggest flaw in this story is pacing. The narrative moves too quickly, as does the dialogue, and the characters themselves act unnatural in their casual hastiness.
The narrative itself is too intrusive. That is to say, it is all too often and too visible when you the writer are visible as putting forward a fact or sentiment instead of letting the characters or setting do this. You constantly slipped into a casual or first-person narrative style when offhandedly explaining some titbit of information. This is typically a bad habit and only used intentionally in certain stories.
The characters jump into it rather gracelessly, which detracts from the whole thing. There's a reason foreplay was invented, after all, as anticpation and the slow ascent is worth more than the peak, so to speak.
The dialogue isn't that bad, actually, particularily before the clop begins. When they do speak, the characters are recognizeable, and it would have been nice to have more writing dedicated to them airing their thoughts and opinions before slowly working up to the inevitable clop. The motivations and feelings that lead up to the situation are always a good bet, both for fleshing out why the present story is happening, and how AND why the characters feel and behave in the ways they do.
All in all - slow down. Take your time. Develop your setting (place, situation, time of day, etc) the characters (how they feel/are here and now, etc) and the dialogue, and tease it along more before diving in. All good things to mares who wait, eh?
One of the best clops I've read
3146433
I really appreciate that you gave me some of your time to review my story. I will definitely work on these flaws you have mentioned, and work towards perfecting them. Again, thank you bunches! 
Gah! Thank you soooooo much
3148355
I will keep at it and hope you stay to read more of my work
I'm glad you liked it so much
3143076
Yes, funner isn't a word. You could have at least said how to correct it, like everything else. It should have been, 'more fun'.
3150619
Thank you for your input 
Yeah, usually I don't have a problem with stuff like that. I'll work on it
"I'm sure it'll be just as tasty as Rarity's last year's..eh..Jambalaya,"
change that to " I'm sure it'll be just as tasty as the..eh..jambalya, rarity made last year."
3157630
I remember writing that and I was like, "Dang. I don't think that's right." Thanks for the correction
not bad at all. I did like it very much. Good description
3313637
Never get tired of that
Ahaha so do i
i.ytimg.com/vi/CImMIkfJhxA/maxresdefault.jpg
This just goes from perversion %
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