- Member Since 19th May, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 16th, 2015
Dear_Celestia
I am here to write fanfics of the greatest show in the world. MLP:FiM
Dear_Celestia
Joined 19th May, 2012 ·
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Wow, just wow.... nice on the mind hehe
Well... Uhhh
What did I just read?!!!
Well that was rushed. Clop was decent, though it could use some work, but the story itself? They played volleyball, went to a concert, suddenly AJ and RD have feelings for eachother and ditch their friends to fuck on the beach. They go back the next morning, and have sex with Twilight.
This all came out of... where, exactly? You didn't establish any emotional connections between the characters, so the reader feels no real bond with them. Rather than hot sex it's more like "well that's cool I guess" because we don't feel for it at all.
Concept - 8/10. Nothing exceptionally unique, but not bad either.
Writing - 7/10. Needs some work, and a pre-reader/editor would be very helpful. Nothing bad enough to be really distracting, though, which is good.
Characterization - 4/10. As stated, there's really no character development. You could've gone somewhere with AJ nearly drowning and getting rescued, or RD handling losing, but you didn't. It was just a pointless event among several others that only seemed to serve the purpose of making the story not 100% sex.
Pacing is the main failing here. Keep at it, though, practice makes perfect.
2045698
I suppose so. I just hope you guys enjoy it somewhat. It is my 2nd Clop that I have ever written
2045744 It was enjoyable, and you know something? You will only ever improve. Practising, getting feedback, working on your writing-- no matter what, it will always make you better, never worse. Keep at it, and I hope to see more from you!
Like it. Keep 'em cummin'
This was great, would love to see more work in the future
Keep it up!
I forgot to turn the mature on my iPad back when I started using it. So it's kinda funny to see you have something other than a list of everyone stories!
I hope to see more soon, and I found this one pretty darn good for your second clop, lol. I did notice that both of yours have RD involved in it...I'm a big RD fan though, so it kinda appeals. 
Oh, and btw, I noticed you have done a better job of not repeating vagina twice a sentence like last time, lol. You still use vagina and especially clit a lot, but not to where I get confused. Bravo. You could try words such as "mound" or "pussy" for instance. Nethers, groin, cunt, and other stuff work too. Just some advice. Other than that, your starting to learn! Good...
Before i read the story, im like what za hell is Octavia doing in the 'charters' section? Then i was like, oh.
Cool story dude.
5/5 mustaches
I think this guy left.