• Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 9th, 2022

Vespa luctuosa


...

E

Applejack wakes up to her usual day out on Sweet Apple Acres. Bucking apple trees out in the hot sunlight. It comes as a sudden surprise when a rainbow mane pegasus crashes into her next tree, and her natural routine is halted by her unexpected visitor.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 24 )

Love it Addy! Keep on writing! :yay:

Cute. Too short, really - show us a few more details, set the scene a little. Take it slow!

Also, couple of typos :

Rainbow Dash was gazing at her friend, with her hand of she looked so different. = probably "hat off"

Applejack walked to the TV, below it was a DVD played where she inserted the disc. = probably "DVD player"

They both smiled as Rainbow Dash couldn't help but begin the spill out her feelings of passion towards Applejack. = probably "begin to"

1444268

Clonetrooperkev: Yes. I don't know what was going through my head when making that. XD

1444562

TheLastBrunnenG: Thanks, I should have read it properly for typos. This was one of those random stories which I write when I'm in the mood, I'll take that into consideration when I write my next story.

(How do I manage to make these typos?)

Seems like things went WAY too fast there.

Not bad though.

1434019

Coxie, get off fimfiction. This is no place for the likes of you.

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbe5l4YcZ41ro0opr.jpg
Seriously THAT PLOT TWIST! :twistnerd:
KLJHDFHHDJFHASDHFJAGFH
Well, anyway, that was nice. :twilightsmile: And now I'm wondering what Applejack did that made her apologize. I probably should know, but I guess I'm stupid. :unsuresweetie:
Also:

She turned the TV off, with a glare our the window.

With a glare out the window.

1434039 Right in the soul.

1445741

Lol, I don't think I know what happened there either, thought and decided against it... But I still had to put something there so I made it a bit of a mystery, even to myself.

And thanks, I should check for mistakes properly.

1444268 You know, I more picture her as a Dodge Ram 3500 type. Giant, 6.7L diesel engine and all.

1445528 Actually, I quite like it :twistnerd:, so i think I'll stay. :twilightangry2: :flutterrage:

It's good. Not great but good nonetheless:ajsmug:

daww, is a cute short shoot!
lol, theres a lot of thecnology there? XD hehe, is ok, thats not something to focus in the story

nice storie dude! hope you will keep doing more! :ajsmug:

1474909 Well, farmhouses are somewhat removed from towns. The Apple family is a lot closer to Ponyville than your normal giant farm, but still, you gotta have something to do while out there.

Boy, that escalated quickly.
It was a nice little fic, but there were two things that got me:

1) the pace - it seemed to be a little fast. You probably could've drawn it out a little more, given us some more details. Give us a complete mental image of the scene. "more show, less tell" is the saying, I believe.

2) the technology - I'm not quite sure what time period equestria is based in, but I don't think they had TVs or microwaves. A quick fix here could perhaps be a projector (which definitely exists in equestria [season 2 episode 22, hurricane fluttershy]) instead of a TV, and just a plain old stove rather than a microwave.

Also I'll just mention a quick typo: "deciding the root of their". I believe the term in this context is route.

1478498
XD Indeed lol
well, anyway as I said, one focuse in AppleDash here X3, and was a cute confession actually hehe

1479687

1) For the pace I have received a rather mixed set of opinions from friends of mine. Some say the pace is a little fast and could be shortened, while the others say the pace is good and that they would rather not have to read constant scene setting text because it gets a bit dull, so I guess I'll take advice from both sides. But this was meant to be a short story since I'm only just getting into the idea of fan fiction.

2) Hard to criticise the technology in many cases because who knows what technological age they're in? I guess it's quite likely they don't have DVD's but... Somehow they have electricity for lights, where does that come from? And a huge dam which does what exactly? Then there are coal powered trains or something... Who knows what else they have? I haven't seen any sort of industry but maybe they'll randomly build a rocket somehow!

Sorry this took me so long to reply, had a lot to do recently and fan fiction was sadly shoved to the back of my mind.

1495441

Hey, that's a nice comment, thanks. I've no real experience in the world of shipping, this is pretty much the first shipping I've ever written... First fiction which I could categorise as romance I guess. But I suppose that was desired effect I was going for so thanks.

no problem dude :ajsmug:
you did a great work in your fist shoot at romance and went good!
keep it up and sure you would do awesome fics!

1498365 that's true, the technological age is very unclear in equestria. They seem to tell you one thing and do the other. I, personally, would just stick with what I knew was canon, but this is your story so you can do what you want :P

In regards to the pacing, once again, I personally prefer more drawn out stories, but given that this is just meant to be a short story then it's understandable to have it go a little quicker to convey a little more in a shorter time span.

Also, from what I understand, this is just a story you wrote to get into the vibe of fanfiction - in which case I'm fairly impressed. Some of the 'early works' I've seen in my time have been simply excruciating. With a bit more time and experience I see you being quite an adept writer.

P.S. I don't mind late replies at all.

fantastic good effort for a set 5 student in English

Eek! Squee! Shmee! Ah! (insert other fangirl noise here)

6973965

I'm glad you enjoyed this three year old story

OOOOH!!! SO CLOSE DASHIE!!

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