Blitzle
Joined 26th Aug, 2013 ·
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Good story if not kind of short. Also you should start a new paragraph every time someone talks. Helps to avoid the wall of text.
Not Bad at all for your first story
my only suggestion is to separate the Dialogue and stuff to keep it from being a massive text wall. 
wounderous
edit!
find a good pic and add it, it'll get it more noticed, find groups and join them, it'll help you build up a follow base and get your stories noticed
and finally! never care about down votes, haters will hate
Can't say that your spelling of the word "excided" has me all that excited. Don't think I'll be reading this one...
I feel bad for Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.
3112519 I see that now. Thanks for you *Gulp* kind words. I fixed that.
Very... abrupt.
It`s highly unlikely for Apple Bloom to show pornographic mag to Diamond Tiara as a first thing to do on their playdate. It`s rather painfully obvious Diamond Tiara could both get Apple Bloom in trouble and get out of that playdate if she were to immediately run squealing to daddy that Apple Bloom is showing her "naughty pictures". It`s highly likely Filthy Rich would`ve outright supported his daughter in any and all attempts to distance herself from Apples from that point on.
3113309 Hey it's my first story.
3113323
Your point being?
Put yourself onto the horseshoes of your protagonist, for once. Imagine yourself, a child barely reaching into teens, if at all. Would YOU dare to show something so questionable as porn mag to a hated bully? Knowing full well that if you were to caught with it, you would be in deep trouble, and that this particular bully takes pleasure in getting you in trouble?
This isn't that good. Interesting premise, but it's too short. Diamond tiara arrives, and the clopping begins. No build up? If they hate eachother, why would Apple Bloom immediately share something secret with her? It needs some build up and relationship development.
Albeit a bit short pretty nice story maybe a sequal is in order I can see it know scoots comes in what the hell moment then that looks like fun but what the hell is it
Lol when I read the title I thought this was about Aj and rarity.
sorry but it was still good
3118012 I am working on one clopfic that will come out soon. This one will be over one-thousand words.
Hmm, most of these reviews aren't really helpful. Examples would be nice, wouldn't it
?
Alright, here we go! Let's start with spacing your paragraphs. Though it's good you have an indentation every time there is a new paragraph, it's easier on the eyes to put a space instead, like so:
Next up is description. There is a popular saying, "show, don't tell". Basically, instead of telling us
, show us, like so:
This allows us to get a better feel for how she is feeling. She doesn't want to be there, but she has no choice, making her upset and unable to cope with the fact she's being forced to have a play date with her rival.
I recommend using the site's writing guide located in the FAQ. It can really help you out and point out little things that will greatly improve your writing.
Who's banana is this?
Oh.
3258910 What you like?
3260368
Not bad
3260368 I read the description, now I HAVE to read this. lol
A cold chill ran down her spine when she looked over at the door. There they were; Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, both of them gap-jawed. Silence filled the room. Not a word was spoken until Diamond spoke. “Do you have a shower? I want to get the strong smell of marehood off me,” Diamond admitted.
“Yeah, good idea, this way,” Apple Bloom agreed and led Diamond Tiara to their outdoor showers; leaving the two other fillies gap-jawed, sitting down in the middle of the room, and maybe scarred for life. But all that they cared about was their own pleasure.
Oh my god that was hilarious!!!
3128761 Uhh actually its show NOT tell
3455659 Well the places I've checked to learn about it all say "show, don't tell", in school, on various writing websites and whatnot. And even if it didn't, does it really matter? Seriously, it means the exact same thing. Hell, even on the Writing guide on this website says "show, don't tell". Honestly, it feels like you're trying to get a rise out of me for some reason, why else would you waste your time with that reply?
I think you're a little confused.
and DT is all like
A. The female genitalia does not instantly climax on first contact.
B. I'm pretty sure fillies do not ejaculate a white sticky, salty, substance.
C. Suddenly Silver Spoon walks in and she's all like
3540143it was scootaloo and sweetie bell who came in but silver spoon woulda been hilarious
3555021
but I just made a little "what if" Silver Spoon had followed DT and caught her and 
in the act instead.
yeah I know.
3555021
Hay maybe you should do a full aternate version where Silver Spoon joins in or just catches them.
or maybe I could.
3555144i woulda died laughing
3555151
Well I already did one spin off of "Alcohol's Affect On Friendship" I suppose I could do another for you.
3555235no need
3555235no need
3555357
oh so you are going to do one then? I cant wait to see it