It's carnival time in Ponyville. Every-pony's going...every-pony except three little fillies. When the CMC yet again thought to look for their cutie marks they encounter an odd slight. A carnival. In the middle of the Everfree though. When looking around the strange carnival doors they are welcomed by an odd stallion. They without thinking buy tickets. Welcome to the carnival of shadows. Remember... stay for our grand finale.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting start. you should keep your tense in either the past or the present.
Good start, but you should really find an editor. There's more than a few spelling errors, some odd phrasing, and you could really stand to seperate your paragraphs a bit better.
I'm with Cascadejackal on this one. You've got a great concept here, but this piece wasn't ready for publication. I'm not saying it's bad; just needs a bit of polishing. Especially some of the dialogue.
Much of your dialogue, especially towards the beginning, seemed unnatural. Maybe even repetitive. Below is one of the stories first conversations, minus the exposition. Revisit it, and see if you can spot the minor flaws that could potentially draw readers from the experience.
. . . Find the problems? Needlessly expanding on a plot point that had previously been explored fully? Excessive repetition of the word "go"? Small things like this get kind'a annoying after a while. And it's the small things that can make or break a FanFiction.
Okay, so now we have the problem. . . . Bloated, clunky, and dull dialogue is the second loudest alarm that signals when a person can't write well (the first is poor grammar and spelling). Crisp, crackling dialogue, differentiated among the characters installs a feeling of confidence in reviewers.
Everyone loves great dialogue. So how do you improve yours? Simple; by following this fairly universal rule: dialogue should only be used for plot and/or character development. Seriously, if you find yourself adding quotes that isn’t introducing a new aspect to the plot or revealing something personal about one or more of your characters, it needs to be cut. There were a handful of places (again, mostly towards the beginning) I wasn't quite sure what you were doin', but you seemed to get better in the latter. It may help you to confirm most your dialogue is directly related to your character's objective in a scene, but I don't know. This trick never really worked for me, personally.
Again, this story isn’t bad. You’ve got a great concept, and with a little bit of polishing, you could really have something here. Something audiences will love and readers will relate to!
im no editor but i saw a flaw or two without reading comments from professional editors but overall its great i never seem to find this type of story with people finishing the work plez work hard on your next chapter and I'll leave you a comment after i read it saying what the untrained eye sees ya?
hey i now wonder if your ever going to work one the next chapter plez tell me cuz this is good and i want it to continue i hope to hear soon till then im off on another story 