Blitzle
Joined 26th Aug, 2013 ·
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You cannot have more than one character speak in a single paragraph. When another character speaks, you always need to start a new one. Another issue is that the first two paragraphs are written in a first-person point of view, but the rest of it is third-person.
3256397 I'm goin' to edit the chapter later
sorry. I see my many flaws... but you can be more specific what you mean by more than one speaker... 
3257048 Here's an example from the story.
This paragraph has two speakers-- both the husband and the wife each have a line of dialogue. You need to break this up into two paragraphs. There are a few other paragraphs that have this problem as well.
Honestly, this is what you chose my character to be!? A freaking in between sex character? I skimmed it. Why? Why would you make him that?!
Nice one...
This hurts to read. Why would you edit after you post instead of before?
And right away, we have multiple problems.
-Dialogue should either start a paragraph, or be split apart from it. It should not cut into the paragraph itself.
-An interjection, such as "careful", needs a comma after it. So "Careful, Rumble!"
-The first sentence is a run-on.
-Thunderlane is one word.
-The "Eek" is unnecessary.
-There is a sudden perspective change in the last sentence. Moreover, that sentence, "Finally we landed" comes out of practically nowhere. There is no buildup, no discussion or development of either Thunderlane or Rumble, or any description of the flight over. Just bang! Hey, we've landed! Woop woop!
-Moreover, there is a tense change in the exact same sentence, from past to present tense. I have never seen someone change both tense and perspective like this before.
In the end, I would have written the paragraph like this:
Are you, like, twelve years old? How come all the Rumbleloo fics have to suck like this?
This reminds me of my first fic. ahhhhhhh, good times, good times.
This...well, frankly you need to read it all the way through and then get an editor. I couldn't even get all the way through this, stopping at
Those could be just one sentence.
Remember. Omit unnecessary words.
I have no words on how un-understandable this story is......just......none. I guess keep up what ever your doing ......
while the clitoris does get wet her orgasmic juices don't actually come from her clit.
that is all
I like the premise, but the grammar was all over the place. It also seemed to end too quickly with not enough sex or backstory. There wasn't even a reference to teenage libido. And what teenager asks an adult to give them a bath?
It was hot, but could be better.
X/10
Story=9
Plot=8
Grammer=3
Speed=2
too fast