Storytime
“Alright… Final boss room. This is it. The moment I’ve been waiting for all day!” Button Mash stared intently at the slightly dark screen of his Joyboy. His muscles ached from laying in uncomfortable positions for the entire day. His eyesight seem to flicker inwards and outwards, causing him to nearly go cross-eyed from the strain being put on them from staring into the dark screen. Still, he focused, channeling his vision into a small tunnel, every fiber of his body tensing in anticipation for the climactic fight. This was the final battle, the one that would end them all, and open the final path towards the beloved captive princess held beyond the golden gates of the castle.
Visible droplets of sweat cascaded down his brows like a small stream, running down his body, but he paid them no mind. He watched in morbid fascination as through the golden gates, a monster unlike any he’d ever seen before came crashing into the middle of the small courtyard he was in. Pixelated rain fell all around and the ominous noise of pseudo thunder rang through his mind, capturing his attention and giving him a sense of finality. He felt as if he was some sort of guardian, defending the gates of heaven from this devilish hell beast before him, it’s razor sharp fangs glinting in the electric light of the moist air.
“So… You’ve come at last noble warrior” the creature started, spitting each word with pure hatred. “You’ve foiled all of my plans up to this point… Defeated my best men. You shall come no further fool. This shall be the place where your game ends. I shall relish your screams of pain before I consume your soul…” The dark beast chuckled as his voice reverberated throughout the courtyard.
“Oh yeah?! Well watch this! I’m gonna kick your ugly butt right back where you came from and save the princess, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me from doing it! Prepare to be killed you disgusting thing!” Button yelled at the screen of his Joyboy, totally engrossed in his gaming experience. He was so engrossed, that he didn’t notice his mother walk into his room, carry all of his clean folded laundry on her back.
“Button Mash? Have you been playing that game all day long?” his mother asked with a small bit of concern in her voice. She eyed him curiously, noting his tensed muscles and spasming face. It brought back memories of when she’d used to play herself on the Joyboy. All of those nights spent up late, playing games, shifting positions, and battling through hordes of monsters… Hopping on the very next morning eagerly awaiting the next wonderful experience that her games would bring her. She shook her head and set his clothes down on the bed next to him. “All right Button, that’s enough. It’ll be your bedtime soon, and I want these clothes put away before you go to sleep,” she said in a stern, motherly tone.
“Yeah. Uhuh. Sure mom. I-I’ll get right to that… At some point. Eventually. Or something.” He tuned most of his surroundings out, focusing on the intense battle that was currently raging inside of his electronic device. His character-a stereotypical knight in shining armor- was locked in pitched combat with the final boss of the game. Blows were traded as he hacked and slashed at the monstrous beast, slowly whittling down his massive health bar as hellfire and brimstone rained around him. He could almost see himself there, beating back the evil with his own hooves, cutting the monster open bit by bit with his Great Claymore Ultraslayer sword.
He dodged out of the way of a particularly nasty spell, the spell impacting the ground and causing a large swath of lava to spread out in every direction around its epicenter. He quickly weaved left and right with his character, dodging under the beasts arm to deliver a particularly devastating looking blow to the beasts abdomen, causing it to stagger. “Come on… Come on! Left! Right! Dodge! Duck! Duck! I said duck! Counter! Parry, parry, parry!” He shouted into his screen as if the character could hear his commands, masterfully dancing across the great battlefield as if he was a great and glorious general of combat.
His mother tapped her hoof impatiently, looking at him sternly. “Button… I told you to put your clothes away and get ready for bed! You can always continue your game tomorrow!” She felt slightly bad at cutting off her son’s accomplishments early, but it was already getting late into the night, and she knew that the young colt needed his beauty sleep, even if it was the weekend.
“Can’t do that right now mom. I’m battling the Magi Inferno Beast of Gamalarnix! I have him down to like three-fourths health. It’ll only take me a couple minutes to beat him. Once I do, I’ll have rescued Princess Galaxia and brought peace back to the magically kingdom of Solaria!” Button continued to mash the buttons on his controller in an attempt to stay in control of the fight.
“Well, you can always continue tomorrow! Can’t you just…save the game or something?” As soon as the words left her lips, she brought her hooves over them in shock and shame. That was the one question that she knew every gamer, no matter how young or old, hated with a fiery passion. It marked the inconsiderate destruction of progress, with no regard for the countless hours of blood, sweat, and tears poured into achieving a milestone in the game. It was the mark of somebody who didn’t understand game mechanics, somebody who didn’t understand gaming.
“No mom! There’s no save block near here!” Button shouted. His mother’s constant distraction combined with his own fatigue had other plans for his ill fated quest. One failed dodge later and Button was thrown to the ground, his character backing away from the beast in absolute fear as he approached. With an evil smirk and a snarl, the final boss picked him up, staring into his wide eyes.
“You have failed foolish warrior. Look into my eyes and know fear! Your fate was sealed the moment you came to my lair, now prepare to meet your ‘destiny’. I shall offer you no recourse.” The beast began to squeeze its large, meaty palm around Button’s head as the screen faded to black, displaying the words ‘Game Over’ in ominous crimson. Button groaned in frustration, turning off his system and setting it beside his bed on his small bed stand.
“Sorry Button, but you know the rules. Now put your clothes away and get ready for bed.” With that, his mother walked out of his room, leaving the door open. Grumbling his grievances away, Button began slowly packing his clothes into his dresser, all the while focusing his thoughts on the fight with the final boss. It had been so invigorating. It was like he had really been there, fighting with all of his might to save the princess. He thought that it was almost the same as reading books had been, although more interactive, giving his mind control of his own adventure instead of the static path that a book set for him.
He walked into the bathroom, slightly disoriented from his long day of gaming. He looked at himself in the mirror, leaning his left eye towards its reflective service and seeing the angry, inflamed blood vessels. He grimaced a bit, wetting his toothbrush and putting a small dollop of toothpaste onto it. Yeesh… Maybe I have been playing that game for too long today. My back kinda hurts a little too… Gotta try and find a more comfortable position for when I play.
As he began to brush his teeth, his thoughts were suddenly brought back to a time long ago. It was a time when he had been a small colt, still afraid of the dark. Every night, he had asked his mother to tell him a story to help him sleep; it helped him beat back whatever fears he had of a monster in a closet by replacing them with visions of great castles, glorious adventures, and fearsome enemies. Them memories brought back a small, fond smile to his face, alleviating his earlier anger with his mother.
Spitting out the remainder of the contents in his mouth, he began to think. As he ran his tooth brush under water, he suddenly realized that those old tales reminded him a lot of the video games he had played. His mother had showed him the Joyboy, so she must have been an avid gamer. Perhaps she’d gotten her own inspiration from the little cartridges that contained so much entertainment. He turned off the faucet, finally finished rinsing. He resolved to ask her about how it felt to live in a time when gaming had been so much simpler.
He went back to his room, tucking himself tightly into his warm covers. His mom entered the room to wish him a good night, standing in the doorway and observing him with a smile. “Goodnight Button. I’m sorry for ruining your game tonight, but it really is time to go to sleep. Sweet dreams, honey.” As she turned to leave, Button suddenly felt the need to ask her about it.
“Uh… Wait! Mom?” he called.
“Yes, honey?”
“Um… What was gaming like back then, when you were little? I’ve kinda been wondering about it. Video games are just so cool and awesome! Do you think that you could tell me a little bit about them?” Button gave his mother huge puppy dog eyes, begging her to sit down and talk to him. She walked over to his bed, laying down on the covers next to him, her eyes seemingly far away and remembering a time long forgotten.
“Well, Button… We didn’t always have the sophisticated electronics of today,” she said, pointing towards his Joyboy. “The very first game that ever came out was Pong. I was just a young mare at the time, still in my teenage years. It wasn’t much; it was just a device that you plugged into your T.V. We used what were basically just two plastic sticks to bounce a square back and forth across the screen.” She chuckled in nostalgia as she thought of the times that she had stayed up all night playing Pong with her older brother.
“That doesn’t sound very fun at all, especially by yourself. It’s just bouncing a ball back and forth! You can do that in real life!” Button’s face was wide with astonishment, thinking of the barbaric simplicity of earlier games.
“Well… I didn’t always play on my own. I used to play games all the time with my older brother. Pong was just one of these games. Oh geeze… When we would just sit there, bouncing the ball back and forth… That was some of the most fun I’ve ever had in my life. It wasn’t much, but we could always pretend. My brother and I… We would always pretend and make up some sort of background behind each match. I remember that we used to pretend that we were both professional tennis players, facing off to see who would win the world cup. Boy, sometimes those matches would get so heated.”
“I didn’t know that you had a brother,” Button stated confusedly.
“Oh, yes, I have an older brother. I haven’t seen him in some time, but we still keep in touch. He’s a professional Pony Kong player now. He set the world record! He’s set the world record for plenty of games, come to think of it. That’s how I got so good at gaming. Having a professional older brother to play against really keeps you on your toes,” she said with a chuckle.
“Wow! He sounds really cool!” Button yelled enthusiastically.
“Yes. He was very cool. The coolest brother ever. After Pong, there were other, more advanced games. I remember one of the first ‘real’ game systems that we picked up was the N.E.S. Your uncle and I would play Super Marty-O Bros. almost every night. I swear that we beat it almost twenty times. I was always player two of course. Wigi was always my favorite of the two.” Button’s mother wiped her eyes absent mindedly, not noticing the few tears of nostalgia falling down her face. It has been so long since she’d played a proper video game.
“That sounds really fun! Mom? What do you think makes video games so cool? I mean, they’re so awesome, and they’re always so fun to play. I don’t think I’ve ever played a videogame that I hated, come to mention it,” Button said, tapping his hoof to his chin thoughtfully.
His mother gave a derisive snort. “Oh, believe me, there are bad games out there. I wouldn’t want to torture my wonderful son with any of those monstrosities though…” She shuddered a bit, remembering a certain game. An expensive game. A game that contained exactly fifty-two other games… Shaking her head to clear the thoughts, she turned to face her son again.
“Are you alright, mom? You were kind of out of it there…” Button asked, concerned.
“Oh? Oh! Yes, Button, I’m fine. You see, what separates a good video game from a bad video game is presentation. A good video game allows you to be a part of the experience. It allows you to feel like you’re there. It doesn’t matter if you have good graphics alone, good story alone, or even just good gameplay alone. All of those things come together to give a great experience to the player.”
“A great game combines great visuals, smooth controls, and amazing stories together. It allows the players to insert themselves into the game, and to experience it alongside the main character as if they were actually there. Like with your game earlier. The reason you were so engrossed with it was because it has solid controls and creates quite an atmospheric scene. It makes you connect with the world and characters, and care for them.”
As Button listened to his mother, something inside of him began to churn. He was beginning to remember all of the great games he had played. He remembered how those experiences had touched him; he remembered every last detail from the boss fight earlier, down to the individual actions. He realized it was because the game forced him to connect. As his brain began to chug into overdrive and think of the mechanics and details that made his games complete. His tiredness got the best of him, as he yawned and lay back in his bed.
“Aaaaaagh…. Mom? I think I wanna be a video game designer when I grow up.” This elicited a small giggle from his mother, who then leaned down to kiss his forehead.
“And I’m sure you’d make a great one, honey. Now you must be very, very tired now. How about you get some sleep? I’ll to you in the morning. Goodnight.” With a smile, she left the room.
“Goodnight, mom! I love you!” Button rolled over to his left side, reaching a hoof out to his bedside lamp and turning it off. As he lay in bed, his thoughts churned with ideas and concepts for new games and systems. There was a whole new world of ideas just waiting to be explored! There were so many places to go, that had never been explored before! There were-
Button’s mind finally gave out as he fell asleep, snoring noisily. His mother listened with a smile, envisioning her son’s cute face, sleeping, as his nose crinkled from the stray air. She giggled, heading down the stairs. When she reached the bottom, she went into the closet on the side, rummaging through it for a moment before pulling out an old machine.
“Finally, I’ve remembered about you,” she said, eyeing the machine. “Time to play some Super Marty-O Bros!”
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HU-FUCKING-RAH! glad to see an increase in button fics that aren't hamfisted attempts at sex.
that said, the story itself is really great! loved it, electreX man. Also,
You horrible punny man, you.
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Hopefully you'll enjoy more of my works in the future!
I'm so glad you liked it!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these kinds of fics actually exist.
You know, the nonclop/nonparody Button Mash fics.
Brings a manly tear to my eye.
Wait. A story about Button Mash? That doesn't have any clop?
But seriously, this was pretty good.
24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9ph3jNzg51r9t6jso1_500.gif
D'aww.
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I don't get it :/
3092207
Here.
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Or if you're like me and don't always have the patience for videos, you can read about it here.
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Here's a let's play of the Sega version and the Nintendo version
Retro gaming at its best.
What are "toes"?
Seriously though, good story. It's been said already, but I'm not a fan of those Button clopfics either.
Also, regarding game puns; My favorite is Button's Spike-ro figurine in the video.
3091678 i know man i know! !
Games used to be total balls.
Cool, Not a bad Flick.
I brings up a lot of old school ideas about video games and the fun people have playing them.
You did a lot better writing as prompted story in two hours then I did.
If there is a Button's group they should get this story.
Well got luck and best wish.
This is the first Button Mash fic I've read and it's a great one! Gamers back then were the elite in my opion!
Now this is more like it, Electre. You're actually getting some fucking attention.
Well done, fella! Haven't read yet... but I know your quality of writing, plus there wouldn't be so many upvotes if it wasn't good.
Nice to see a fic like this. And indeed good graphics alone don't always make for a good game. What's most important is how you use the graphics to present your story and engage the player.
That was a very nice little story.
You got me thinking of my mom now
She was a master at Pacman
god rest her soul
The first Action 52 refernce I have ever heard. You either played the game, or watched the Angry Video Game Nerd.
Greetings, electreXcessive! Here begins the review you requested from WRITE:
Lay/lie confusion. A common problem.
Verb form error. I have no idea what eyesight flickering "inwards and outwards" is supposed to mean. And you just mentioned two sentences ago that it was a "slightly dark screen," so this is at once repetitive and contradictory.
I suppose that's better than audible droplets of sweat... Srsly, that word accomplishes nothing.
Don't forget to separate your clauses with a comma. You have separate subject verb pairs (Pixelated rain ... , and ... thunder rang ...) And hyphenate your compound modifiers (pseudo-thunder). Though it's odd to describe it as such; the game may well use a real sound sample of thunder.
You've already pretty bluntly told me a couple of times how he feels. It's a little lacking in subtlety. This is also the 4th instance of some form of "final" in your first 2 paragraphs. Watch the word repetition.
Missing the comma to end your quote, and missing a comma for direct address. When one character address another by name, title, or reference, it's separated with one or two commas.
Yeah, that's telly. Here's my tasty copypasta on the subject:
It’s better to imply emotional context than to state it outright. Telling can be likened to reading the script instead of watching the play. Showing gets the reader to identify with the character and deduce the emotion for himself, which necessarily forms a connection between them. If the emotion is stated plainly, it’s a cold fact with little meaning to the reader. Consider an actor. Does he simply walk out on stage and declare, “I’m sad”? That would give you the information you need, but it’s not very interesting. Instead, he might slump his shoulders, have bloodshot eyes, fidget, get distracted easily, etc. We’re already hardwired to perceive others’ emotion that way, so doing it in writing makes it more natural. By getting the reader to interpret these signs, the author has made him put himself in the character’s mindset, which creates a connection between them. This includes any sort of conclusion the narrator might make for the reader, including use of such words as “obvious,” “clear,” “surprising,” etc., depending on the situation, of course. The author should place himself as an observer in the scene and present only what he can perceive; we want the evidence, not the judgment. Of course, there are times that telling can be acceptable or even good. Showing is more crucial during scenes that are critical to the plot or when emotions run high, but in an out-of-the-way remark of little importance, it wouldn’t do much harm. It’s up to the author to determine whether it’s an instance where the information is enough, or whether he wants the reader to feel something along with the character. Another good use is when writing something that is supposed to sound like children’s literature. The biggest red flags for telling are outright naming of emotions (sad), -ly adverb form (happily), and prepositional phrase form (in excitement). The last one in particular is almost always redundant with an action it follows and can often be cut without harming anything. Tools for showing include body language, dialogue, thoughts, reactions, facial expression, and actions, and a good mix should be used to avoid relying too much on any one of them.
Watch the placement of participles. If they open a clause, they're presumed to refer to the subject; otherwise, they like to modify the nearest object. Thus, it appears that the Joyboy is totally engrossed. We can apply a bit of logic to sort things out, and in some cases, that's good enough, but it's worth keeping in mind, because inattention will eventually lead to ambiguity or outright misdirection.
Unnecessary comma, and another verb form error.
The telling... It hurts...
Note that this is information only his mom could know. It's told from her perspective. You'd been in Button's POV, so why the shift to her? You can change perspectives, but it has to be done smoothly, and only when necessary. Is this vital information? Is her POV the only way to relate it? Could you instead extract the same information through his perception of her appearance and actions?
Usually spelled "uh-huh," and you have an odd habit of capitalizing after ellipses when a new sentence isn't required.
Use a proper em-dash (Alt+0151 = —), and your spacing around dashes is inconsistent here. With an em dash, don't use any. And, oh boy, another instance of "final."
Passive voice is an especially bad choice for an action scene, and it's clunky to have two like constructs in the same sentence, as in your two "as" clauses.
Ugh. I hope that's not really something you're borrowing from an existing game. A Claymore is a specific sword—there wouldn't be variations on it.
More repetition.
Missing apostrophe.
Okay, I'm finding a lot of the same things. It's up to you to find the rest. I'm only going to point out new issues from here on.
When using it as a term of address, capitalize Mom.
Typo
Phrases like this and "at that point" are horribly self-referential to the narration.
I'm pretty sure you meant "surface."
Srsly?
toothbrush
absentmindedly. C'mon. Enough with the typos.
I have no idea what that's supposed to mean.
Mechanics:
I have no pearls of wisdom to offer here, because there aren't really any subtleties of language to discuss. This is simple and straightforward: All of those things that I mentioned multiple times above? Those are your consistent problems.
A bit more on word repetition though—have some word counts:
begin/began/start: 8. Doesn't seem like much, huh? The problem here is that any action begins. It's implied. The only reason to call attention to it is if the beginning is abrupt or the action never finishes for some reason.
just: 10. I'm actually impressed it's that low. Good job.
Various forms of "to be": Upwards of 50. That's not awful. But it's not great, either. They may all be benign, but it can indicate that you use too much passive voice (I did find a couple of obtrusive examples) or you're not choosing enough active verbs (this was an issue). These verbs are inherently boring. Sometimes you can't help using them, or the alternative is awkward. But you should strive to minimize these. It's much more interesting to read about what happens, not what merely is.
Style and Characterization:
Normally, I'll tackle these topics separately, but they're rather intertwined here. The characters themselves are fine, insofar as there isn't an established personality for either that you need to emulate. That said, I didn't get much from either one, and that's mostly a result of the overly telly language. Showing forces me into a character's viewpoint and makes me feel what he feels. It makes me understand the character and care about him. Without that, all I have is a slate that remains blank. This is especially important in a story this short, where we have such little time to get to know your characters. It needs to be more than "things happened." Though I haven't said much, this is actually a tall order.
Plot:
Here's where there's some more meat. Let's summarize what happens: Button plays a game, his mom feels a little guilty about making him stop, for some reason we get a brief ponified history of early gaming systems, and she plays a game while he goes to sleep. Not a bad slice-of-life moment, but that's not a story. It's a scene. A story needs to have a driving force behind it, typically some sort of conflict or process of character discovery. Conflict is much more common, and the easier one to do. There needs to be something at stake. What's eating at one or more of the characters? What are they going to do about it? What will happen if they fail? Or on the character development side, what challenge does the character face? How does he deal with it, and how is he changed by the experience? What has he learned about himself? There's really neither present here, and coming up with some way of including one or both will necessarily involve significantly rethinking the story. It really comes down to what you want this story to be. A light moment without any teeth to it? Yeah, fix this up, and you'll have that. A complete story that makes a point and draws an emotional response from the reader? It's going to take some work to get it there.
Overall:
First, I have to question why you'd submit a story to Equestria Daily before getting it reviewed. Asking for the review at all hints at a very different confidence level than risking a strike, so not sure what you were thinking there.
I didn't trip up on odd word choices and clumsy phrasings, so kudos on missing those common pitfalls. Just learn to fix up the telling and the consistent mechanical issues you had, and finally decide what you want this to be: a light moment or a story that says something. Be aware that Equestria Daily is very unlikely to accept the former.
Keep writing and have fun with it!
Pascoite, WRITE's mineral
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I submitted it to EqD because why the hell not. I'm not going to submit it more than once anyway. Thanks for the review though.
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localriding.com/image-files/horse-hoof-2.gif
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So horses have toes, but Wikipedia still can't provide a general term for the time between "foal" and "adult pony"? You know, a word to use if you have a group of both colts and fillies. Got anything for that, too?
3396759
I do believe the filly/colt catchall is "yearling", indicating at least one year of life.
After three years, the designation becomes either "mare" or "stallion".
Keep in mind that the choice of more familiar wordings like "she handed him the remote" over a ponyism like "she hoofed him the remote" is often made for the sake of the reader. The reader, presumably human, has a smoother reading experience when spared from having to process these "translations". So, accurate anatomical nomenclature is often sacrificed for ease of acceptance by as large an audience as possible.
I cannot recall having ever seen the word "yearling" in a pony fic outside of in-universe medical or academic excerpts, perhaps for this reason.
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I read Wikipedia ("yearling" does indeed refer only to their first year of life), and with what I assume to be near-human lifespans, I will not call a four year old pony "mare" or "stallion".
I've avoided the problem so far, or just used "kids" instead, but it still feels a little weird to use that word if you replace everything else with "colt", "filly" or "somepony"
Still, thank you for trying to help.
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I've always used foal.