A Day of Great Conquest
Applejack’s day had been just like any other. The sun was setting as she trod on a path close to the Everfree Forest, smiling after a hard day of work. That’s when she hear a strange voices shouting something in the forest, and stopped to listen.
“Mitä helevettiä, Erkki? Tää oli saatana myrkkyviinaa!” shouted a low and manly voice. Applejack heard something shattering, and fell prone onto the ground. What kind of language is that? she thought.
Sounds of a fierce argument soon followed – what exactly was said, Applejack couldn’t decipher, but noticed three different voices. She rolled her eyes and rose up. Might as well check out what the hay is going on. Applejack carefully walked towards the voices, until she arrived to edge of a clearing. Inside, three two-legged creatures were engaged in a melee fight, beating each other with their forelegs. They had short hair on their heads, but seemed to lack any other sort of bodily fur. All were dressed up in grey uniforms, and some kinds of rifles were strapped onto their backs.
“Ehm, dear… creatures..” Applejack started, cringing when all three of the creatures froze and turned to face her. They stared in silence for what were minutes.
“Eikä… ei… jumalauta, Erkki, me kuoltiin ja ollaan taivaassa,” stated one of the creatures, standing up. ”Ja…”
Another one stood up. ”Hilijaa, kusipää. Ekkö nää ymmärrä lontoota?” he said, then gazed straight into Applejack's eyes. “So you speak London?”
“What?” stammered Applejack. She’d just barely understood what the creature was saying.
“You poni? Talking poni? Speak London?” continued the creature.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “I guess so. Name’s Applejack,” the earth pony said, pointing at herself to help the poor creature understand. “And you are?”
“Oh. I Erkki. I… human.” The creature scratched its head, as if trying to remember something. “This land Karelia? Karelia belong to Finland now. Weird Communist experiment, talking poni.”
“Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I take you’re not from these parts?” Applejack was starting to back off. Sweat was dripping off her forehead; the situation was getting a bit too weird even for her.
“This part? No,” answered the creature. The others were paying attention to the conversation, but didn’t appear to understand. “I from Oulu. Part of Great Finland. Karelia new part. We conquer this land. You now citizen of Finland, poni.”
Applejack knew she should’ve been running by now, but her curiosity kept her in place. “What’s the last thing you remember? Pardon me, but I’ve never heard of this Finland. Nor Karelia.”
“Ah…” the human bit its lip. “We drink my vodka. Homebrew. Friend say we die and go to heaven. That possible. But I know this Karelia.”
“Alrighty then, lads… I’ll… get Fluttershy…” Applejack quickly trod back into the cover of trees, leaving the ‘humans’ standing there dumbfounded. They soon resumed their conversation, albeit sounded much more confused this time.
“Mähän sanoin. Me kuoltiin sun viinaan ja mentiin taivaaseen,” stated one voice.
”Paskat. Tätähän on vielä jälelläki. Hyvää ainetta, ei viiti tuhlata!” exclaimed another. Soon, the voices were shouting again, and sounds of punches being traded could be heard. Applejack carefully walked away at first, then broke into a full-speed gallop. What the hay was that? Have I gone mad?
--
Applejack awoke as the first rays of the morning sun painted her room orange. She didn’t feel rested at all; having told nopony about her strange experience to avoid getting odd looks, the thought of the strange creatures had kept her awake. If they’re still there, I really will get Fluttershy, she decided.
After the breakfast, Applejack was once again trotting the familiar path close to the Everfree, pulling an empty cart. Because of the more-than-weird encounter last evening, she kept glancing at the forest. But when she arrived to the spot where she’d heard the humans last night, she could hear nothing – no arguing, no fighting, and not even normal conversation. It was possible that the humans had just moved elsewhere, of course, but Applejack decided that checking would be for the best.
As Applejack made her way through the bushes, a gruesome scene was there to greet her. The three humans lay on the ground, half-empty bottles containing a clear liquid lying next to them. Applejack walked forward, and carefully nudged one of the creatures. It didn’t move. She tried to wake the others up, too, but didn’t get any response whatsoever. Worried about their state, Applejack slid up the eyelids of one – and saw only glassed eyes. Great. They’re dead.
Because of the bizarre nature of the whole incident, Applejack wanted some kind of conclusion, and dragged one of the men onto her cart. She deserved to know at least something. Nurse Redheart would probably be able to tell what had caused the sudden death of the humans – not that Applejack cared, but she felt incredibly curious. And what was this Finland the man had kept rambling about?
Despite getting a few odd looks from passing ponies, Applejack arrived to the hospital without incident, and proceeded through its double doors with her cart. Nurse Readheart was at the reception desk – apparently, it wasn’t a very busy day.
“What brings you here today, Applejack?” asked Redheart, keeping an eye on the cart. “And what, pray tell, is in that cart?”
Applejack shrugged. “Some sort of talking animal. Human, I think. Look, I just want to know how it died – and no questions asked.” Applejack took out a purse full of bits, and handed it to Redheart. “Hope this is enough.”
Redheart took a look at the corpse, then another at the purse. She bit her lip. “Eh… why not. But if it looks like you stabbed him… or her… to death, or anything like that, I’ll have to inform the police.”
“Sure. Just get on with it.”
Shaking her head, Redheart disappeared deeper into the hospital with the cart. Applejack just sat in the reception room, pondering about the possibilities. Did they beat each other to death? Or just… suffocate in an alien atmosphere?
After a few long hours, Redheart came back, carrying a brown bag with her. “Alright, Applejack. The creature was a mammal, so determining the cause of death wasn’t that hard. He died of methanol poisoning.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Metha-what?”
“Methanol poisoning. Methanol is an alcohol, and sometimes is sometimes produced when ponies try to make… hard stuff by themselves.” Redheart threw the bag to Applejack, who caught it with her teeth. “He had this in his possession. I suppose it’s yours now.”
Applejack opened the bag. There wasn’t much inside – a canteen, a rolled-up piece of canvas and some dry rations. Applejack took the canvas out and unfurled it, revealing a white flag with an azure cross on it.
Hrmph. I suppose this would look good on my wall.
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An admirable tale.
um....okay. you have my thumbs up.
Glorious!
Do Sweden next!
Lol'd.
As a finn, I find this an accurate depiction of a finn in Equestria.
Just kidding, just kidding. That was pure epicness! I suppose people who don't know Finnish wouldn't appreciate this much, but you deserve an upvote from me just because!
I bet this would be pretty close to what would actually happen if three Finnish soldiers from around that time stumbled into Equestria with a bottle of home-made vodka
All my love for this story
Small slip to 1st person here. Nothing else to fix. Gotta love that line, though.
At least they died happy
Really unexpected, but not that bad at all. There should be more fanfics using a second language - it's a nice touch.
Also, where's the map from? Looks like some strange propaganda poster...
2745823 Yes. This needs to happen.
2746269
The map is the cover of a 1942 book. At that time, Finland was engaged in the Continuation War, and hopes for establishing Greater Finland were high.
2745823
But I can't even Swedish
2746289 As I see, they planned to conquer territory past the Gulf of Finland and in northern Scandinavia, too. Interesting...
Anyway, don't all Finns have to learn Swedish as a second language?
2746303
Yeah, we do. But that doesn't mean we could actually speak it well, especially since most hate studying it.
2746289 Then I would be happy to help.
If you wrote the story completely in English and marked what should be translated, I could do it for you.
Write it in Gdocs and share it with drweegee1337@gmail.com.
You actually have to learn
best languageSwedish as second language?Wouldn't English be more useful?
2746344
I'll consider your offer. And yes, we have to learn Swedish, as the second national language. You see, it has an equal status with Finnish here. But of course we have to learn English, too.
2746348 That's funny.
Meanwhile in Sweden we have prejudices about Finnish people being farmers who drink and carry knife.
Don't hate us, I know it's not true.
That moment that my name is Erkki...
2746364
No worries, we have our own prejudices against swedes here!
I won't go into detail though, you won't like the details.
I HAVE TO read this!
edit: …and now I did, and it was glorious! But much too short!
Man, forget North Korea! Look at Finland, just sitting there right next to Europe. One day, Putin's gonna quit, and then they'll be all, "Hey, remember the Winter War?" and they'll burn down Russia's borsch with vodka breath and a lighter! Mark my words, we'll be speaking Finnish before the decade is out!
2746933
Because we're all melancholic and suicidal drunks.
...yeah, most of us really aren't, but I sure am!
2746729 I think pretty much every nordic country has prejudises conserning all the other countries
every swedish male is homosexualNo! Bad me! NO!On a more serious note, the story was pretty well written, and the finnish dialogue was funny. The one-shot could have used a bit more length thought, and I don't think that anyone who doesn't know finnish won't get much out of this story.
2746364 Yup, everyone has to learn swedish at school, whitch leads to many people hating that subject with a passion and most won't really learn much of it. i dont have a problem with it thought. (Men jag är inte så bra med svenska språket)
To conclude my post, I'd like to say: SUOMI PERKELE kossua koko kansalle ja myös viinaa kaikille poneille!!
ylilauta
“Mitä helevettiä, Erkki? Tää oli saatana myrkkyviinaa!” shouted a low and manly voice.
What's a man?
2746348 That's odd, I have no memories of a Swedish class. Though there is a large stretch of boredom and pokemon.
This is exactly what would happen.
Kolme jääkäriä kuolee myrkkyviinaan ja mitä he tekevät kun löytävät ittesä "taivaasta"? No, juovat pullon tyhjäks, tietenkii! On kyllä niin suomalainen loppu kun olla voi, miinus taikaponit ja sen sellaset.
But I have to wonder. Why did a soldier carry around a Finnish flag?
2747638
A bipedal stallion with a smaller penis.
2749155
Just because!
2747638 A miserable pile of secrets.
Even if I can't speak Finnish, and Google translator is a piece of trash; I still found it entertaining.
Now someone needs to do this with every country. America can have Leeroy Jenkins.
GO FINLAND!
Kauan eläköön Suur-Suomi, eh?
Regrettably, I speak no Helsinki, so that's the most that I could do to celebrate this most auspicious occasion.
2752449
Nnngh... it's such a double-edged sword that even dreaming about it feels wrong on many levels. After all, Greater Finland would've required Germany to win WW2.
2752180
2752449
Translations to those who can't Finnish:
"What the hell, Erkki? This vodka was fucking poison!"
"No.. no way... goddamn, Erkki, we died and went to heaven."
"And..."
"Shut up, dickhead. Don't you understand London?"
"I told you. Your vodka killed us and we went to heaven."
"Bullshit. There's actually some left. Good stuff; can't waste it!"
2756314 Thanks, although Google got it close enough so I was able to piece out what was really said.
Note to self: Never drink homemade Vodka.
2756287 But of course, good sir. But even in the case of a German victory, Hitler might just decide to annex all those lands east to Karelia into RKM, so probably still no 'Von der Torne bis an der Ural' to match the vision of the aspiring ultra-nationalist as depicted in the story pic.
And thanks for the translation!
Vau, tämä oli aika hauska ... Toivottavasti siellä on enemmän lukuja!
Hey, at least it wasn't the Dutch!
That was quite funny
Epic ^^
dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/12875849/reactions/meanwhile.png
6 / 5 Suomi viina pulloa
VIKING STAMP OF APPROVAL
No-one conquered anything. They just died.
As a finn, i find this hilarious
Niin kaunista. Nyyh. ;_;
Too bad they died, Applejack would have had some regular cider buyers... if it contained some more alcohol, that is. :P
Njet, Molotoff! Njet, Molotoff!