My Dickish Pony: Ponies Are Dicks (S1-4) · 2:22am Oct 20th, 2015
S1-4 || S5 || S6 || S7 || S8 || S9
Okay, so I did a stupid thing. :V If people like it, I may do it at the end of season five, too.
(please note this is meant for comedy and not deep episode analysis pls don't be a dick kthx)
SEASON ONE!
Mare in the Moon: Twilight Sparkle goes to Ponyville because she has no friends because she’s a dick to everypony.
Elements of Harmony: Twilight and her new friends have to stop the biggest dick of all.
The Ticket Master: Twilight learns her friends are all greedy dicks. Celestia is also a huge dick.
Applebuck Season: Applejack refuses to accept help from others because she’s a prideful dick.
Griffon the Brush Off: Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned griffons are dicks.
Boast Busters: Twilight encounters another magical unicorn who is a loud-mouthed dick.
Dragonshy: Fluttershy learns that being a dick at the right time can save your friends from being eaten by a dick of a dragon. Also, Rainbow Dash is a dick.
Look Before You Sleep: Applejack and Rarity fuck up Twilight’s slumber party by being huge dicks.
Bridle Gossip: Twilight and friends nearly have to live their lives as horrible mutants because they’re dicks to the wrong zebra. Also, Apple Bloom is definitely not a dick.
Swarm of the Century: Nopony cares that Pinkie knows how to un-fuck the situation because they’re all dicks.
Winter Wrap Up: Twilight can’t listen to Applejack because she’s a dick and nearly fucks up spring. Spike is a dick to her the entire time.
Call of the Cutie: Getting a cutie mark turns you into a dick.
Fall Weather Friends: Rainbow Dash and Applejack hold a contest to see who’s the bigger dick. They tie. (But seriously, Rainbow Dash is a huge dick.)
Suited for Success: Rarity designs five amazing dresses for her friends without even being asked. Her friends are tremendous cocks about this.
Feeling Pinkie Keen: Twilight is a huge dick to Pinkie because science.
Sonic Rainboom: Some dicks make fun of Rainbow Dash, but Rarity proves she is the biggest dick of all.
Stare Master: Fluttershy is nearly turned to stone by a dick of a cockatrice because the CMCs were dicks to her.
The Show Stoppers: No dicks here, the CMCs are just stupid.
A Dog and Pony Show: Diamond Dogs are dicks.
Green Isn’t Your Color: Fluttershy becomes successful at something and Rarity turns into a jealous dick. Twilight fucks up at keeping secrets because she's a dick.
Over a Barrel: Ponies are such dicks to the buffalo, they actually start a war. Pinkie is almost not a dick, except she fucks everything up with her shitty song.
A Bird in the Hoof: Fluttershy can’t keep her dick hooves off someone else’s pet. Said pet turns out to be a huge dick.
The Cutie Mark Chronicles: Fluttershy once got bullied by dicks when she was a kid, but Rainbow Dash saved her, except she almost killed her, too, because she was a dick.
Owl’s Well That Ends Well: Spike gets so jealous of Twilight’s pet that he starts acting like a tremendous cock.
Party of One: Pinkie thinks her friends are being dicks to her, but actually she’s just crazy.
The Best Night Ever: Twilight and her friends are all dicks to Spike. Prince Blueblood is a dick to Rarity. And Applejack. Rainbow Dash is kind of a dick to some random guy. Fluttershy is a dick to some animals. Everyone at the party is a dick to Pinkie Pie. Princess Celestia set them all up to fuck everything up because she’s a huge dick.
SEASON TWO!
The Return of Harmony: Twilight and friends have to save Equestria from a huge dick who makes them all be dicks to each other, but that doesn’t count because mind control.
Lesson Zero: Twilight is a tremendous cock to the citizens of Ponyville because she’s fucking crazy.
Luna Eclipsed: Ponyville is a dick to Princess Luna because all the ponies forgot she’s not a dick anymore.
Sisterhooves Social: Applejack helps Rarity and Sweetie Belle stop being huge dicks to each other.
The Cutie Pox: Apple Bloom almost dies of exhaustion because she’s an impatient dick.
May the Best Pet Win!: Fluttershy tries to make Rainbow Dash not be a dick to animals. It’s a long, hard road, during which Rainbow Dash is a dick to every animal she can find.
The Mysterious Mare-Do-Well: Twilight and company teach Rainbow Dash not to be a dick by being dicks to her.
Sweet and Elite: Rarity goes to a place where everyone is a dick and somehow gets away with being a dick herself.
Secret of My Excess: Rarity is a dick to Spike. Then he temporarily grows up to be a huge fucking dick and destroys half the town.
Hearth’s Warming Eve: Long ago, ponies were all dicks to each other.
Family Appreciation Day: Apple Bloom is a dick to Granny Smith. Diamond Tiara is a dick to both of them.
Baby Cakes: Baby ponies are huge dicks.
The Last Roundup: Applejack is a dick to everypony because she thinks she fucked everything up and runs off and also breaks a Pinkie Promise, which actually fucks everything up.
The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000: The Apple Family loses their farm to a pair of dick unicorns. They get it back because the dicks suck at cider.
Read It and Weep: Rainbow Dash is a huge dick to everyone because she thinks reading is stupid. Well I have news for you, Rainbow Dick, you’re stupid.
Hearts and Hooves Day: The CMCs are tremendous cocks who dabble in mind-control because they think it’s cute.
A Friend in Deed: Though she’s trying to be a welcoming friend, Pinkie Pie is actually a super-dick to a donkey. The donkey is a dick, too.
Putting Your Hoof Down: Fluttershy takes a class on how to be not such a fucking wimp and ends up becoming a mega-dick instead. (Iron Will is not a dick, he just wanted to get paid.)
It’s About Time: Twilight casts a time-travel spell and ends up being a dick to herself.
Dragon Quest: DRAGONS ARE HUGE DICKS
Hurricane Fluttershy: Fluttershy nearly fucks everything up because ponies were dicks to her once.
Ponyville Confidential: Diamond Tiara is a dick to the CMCs, so they end up being dicks to everyone in town.
MMMystery on the Friendship Express: Despite knowing how fucking important that cake is, Pinkie’s friends eat it because they are tremendous cocks. (Applejack is off the hook only because her scene was cut for time.)
A Canterlot Wedding: Twilight gets yelled at because she was a dick to her babysitter, but then OH SHIT, turns out the babysitter is actually the dick, who’s the dick now, Celestia, who? Yeah, so everyone’s a dick but Twilight.
SEASON THREE!
The Crystal Empire: Princess Cadence’s new digs are haunted by an ancient dick.
Too Many Pinkie Pies: Turns out the more Pinkie that’s around, the more of a dick they are. Also, Twilight’s a huge dick and nearly kills her.
One Bad Apple: Apple Bloom’s cousin turns out to be a huge dick. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon might have something to do with that.
Magic Duel: Trixie comes back and she’s an even bigger dick than before.
Sleepless in Ponyville: Scootaloo can’t sleep because Rainbow Dash was a dick to her.
Wonderbolts Academy: Spitfire is a dick to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash is a dick to Lightning Dust for being a dick in the same way that Rainbow Dash is normally a dick. Lightning Dust is a dick and nearly kills Rainbow’s friends.
Apple Family Reunion: Applejack is a dick to everyone because she’s so nervous about the family reunion, she fucks up her barn.
Spike at Your Service: Spike tries too hard to help Applejack because he’s stupid and ends up being a dick to her. Also, timberwolves are dicks who can merge to form a super-dick.
Keep Calm and Flutter On: Celestia asks Fluttershy to teach Discord how not to be a dick. Fluttershy mostly succeeds.
Just for Sidekicks: Spike makes life harder for himself by being a greedy, gluttonous dick. Also, the animals are all dicks.
Games Ponies Play: Twilight and friends are dicks to a dick pony because they don’t know who the fuck she is.
Magical Mystery Cure: Star Swirl was too much of a dick to understand friendship, so Twilight fucks up her friends’ lives. The fandom merges into a super-dick when she becomes a princess after fixing said lives.
Equestria Girls: Sunset Shimmer was a dick to Twilight’s friends in an alternate universe, so now they’re all dicks to each other. Also, the universe is a dick to Spike and the fandom is a dick to Flash Sentry.
SEASON FOUR!
Princess Twilight Sparkle: Discord was a dick a thousand years ago and that fucks everyone over today. Also we get to see Princess Luna in the process of becoming a huge dick at around the same time period, which has absolutely nothing to do with the plot.
Castle Mane-ia: Pinkie is a dick to everyone because she thinks it’s funny to play pipe organ in a spooky, abandoned castle.
Daring Don’t: Rainbow Dash finds out Daring Do is not only real, but a real dick.
Flight to the Finish: Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are dicks to Scootaloo because she’s disabled. Also, Ms. Harshwhinny shows up again to teach Rainbow Dash how to be a better dick.
Power Ponies: Somewhere out there is a comic store owned by a total dick.
Bats!: Nopony cares that Fluttershy knows how to un-fuck the situation because they’re all dicks.
Rarity Takes Manehattan: Manehattan ponies are dicks, especially Suri Polomare.
Pinky Apple Pie: Pinkie watches the Apple Family be dicks to each other.
Rainbow Falls: Fleetfoot is a dick among dicks, and makes Spitfire be a dick to Rainbow Dash and Soarin. Also, Rainbow Dash is a dick to everyone.
Three’s a Crowd: Discord is a dick to Applejack, Rarity, Twilight and Cadence for completely different reasons. Also there’s a killer land worm who is more or less literally a huge dick.
Pinkie Pride: Weird Al pony is a dick to Pinkie because he wants senpai to notice him.
Simple Ways: Rarity is a dick to Applejack because she wants some dick. Trenderhoof is a dick to Rarity because he’s got some weird fetishes.
Filli Vanilli: Fluttershy fucks everyone over because she wants to live the dream without facing the consequences. Also, Pinkie Pie is a huge, unhelpful dick.
Twilight Time: The CMCs get special privileges and lord them over the rest of the schoolchildren because they’re actually bigger dicks than Diamond and Silver.
It Ain’t Easy Being Breezies: It’s impossible not to be a dick to the Breezies because they just suck that hard. And yet, they’re dicks to Fluttershy. Who sucks now, Fluttershy, who?
Somepony to Watch Over Me: Applejack is a dick to Apple Bloom because she can’t stand to see her grow up. Chimeras are like three dicks for the price of one.
Maud Pie: Pinkie’s older sister isn’t a dick, but her meeting Twilight and co. is super awkward.
For Whom the Sweetie Belle Tolls: Sweetie Belle nearly fucks Rarity over bigtime because she thinks Rarity’s purposefully being a dick to her. Turns out Sweetie is just a dick.
Leap of Faith: Applejack helps the Flim Flam Brothers nearly kill Granny Smith by being a dick. But at least she teaches some guy how not to be a dick.
Testing Testing 1, 2, 3: Rainbow Dash is a dick to Twilight because she’s stupid. Everyone’s a dick to Rainbow Dash because she’s stupid.
Trade Ya!: Some pony is a dick to Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash is a mega-dick to Fluttershy. Applejack and Rarity are dicks to each other because sexual tension. Equestrian law is also a dick to Fluttershy, and she nearly gets sold into slavery. You know, for kids!
Inspiration Manifestation: After a puppet pony is a dick to Rarity, Spike finds a magic book that turns her into a superpowered mega-dick.
Equestria Games: The universe shits all over Spike because we can’t have nice things. But he kind of deserves it because the least bit of praise turns him into a huge dick.
Twilight’s Kingdom: Tirek is the biggest dick of all. Twilight slaps the fuck out of him. Also, Discord fucks everyone over again by being a dick in the present.
Rainbow Rocks: Three dicks try to take over the high school. Also, no matter what world you’re in, Rainbow Dash is a huge dick.
tl;dr:
artfcity.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/04/dicks.gif
Moral of the story? In Equestria, everyone is a dick.
But who is the least dickish of them all?
The word "dick" is uttered 145 times in this blog.
May be incorrect. I only counted once.
This seems to have just enough verbal variance to keep me from hitting semantic satiation on the word "dick."
I look forward to the Season 5 edition, especially the convoluted dickish feedback loop of "Amending Fences."
This is clearly one of the best things you've ever written.
I think you have an obsession with dicks.
3483281 Oh god the extra long one at the end
Now you need to do this for every single fic here.
Y'know, this would make a really funny idea for a clopfic, cause, y'know, dick hooves
I swear, if I write something ridiculous because of this, all the blame to thee, I say!
:B
3483313
This can be his new review format.
derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/12/24/504957__solo_pinkie+pie_suggestive_smiling_open+mouth_tongue+out_bedroom+eyes_vulgar_drool_tongue.png
Just as applicable today as it was yesterday.
s25.postimg.org/6r17z2f1b/my_god_its_full_of_DICKS.jpg
I came here for a laugh. I was not disappointed.
...Also, I'm a little concerned with how much I found myself agreeing with what I read. Isn't this show supposed to be about the magic of friendship?
Clearly we need a new title. Anyone have a suggestion?
3483348
Why would you remind anyone that exists?
This must continue.
3483328
I was just thinking "I know there's some creepy fanart of that one, somewhere..."
But also, after a while, every single one of these started sounding like the prompt for a clopfic because there was just so much dick.
...b..but ponies are dicks! That's the whole premise! Why can't we be ponies?
Now I will never fulfill my dreams of princess waifus and must settle for Equestria Girls waifus instead! CURSE YOU AND YOUR ....
actually n/m, dibs on Sunset Shimmer
Also, I can't help but read this whole thing in the What I Learned Today voice.
What I learned today: the dick edition.
It's like what Letters from a Disgruntled Friendship Student has been trying to say all along, but far more consise. All those dicks, and Twilight isn't getting any.
3483281
Clearly that last one is Rainbow.
Or Celestia.
3483367
Oh gods, am I about to start the next bandwagon? Make each one a prompt for a clopfic?
I might have enough bourbon to get the fire burning, so to speak :V
One horrible sex story coming right up! :B
This is freaking fantastic.
Or should that be, "This is dicking fantastic"?
3483313
Fallout Equestria: Everyone everywhere is a dick except for Littlepip (because she's into girls (except she's also a dick anyway)).
My Little Dashie: Anon protag
can eat a dickis not a dick to Rainbow Dash (who is, as was previously stated, a dick).The Feature Box: Think of a female character in the show. She has a dick now.
Everything else: we're all dicks, every one of us.
More dicks than a gay Republican Nightclub!
More dicks than a hot dog stand convention!
More dicks than the Bad Dragon Warehouse!
(Seriously though, this was worth a chuckle or three.)
3483335
I third this new regime.
great blog post kid but dont get cocky
img.4plebs.org/boards/tg/image/1365/77/1365770520116.jpg
The spooky skeleton on the left who is probably giggling giddily is PP and the greasy-haired hobo man on the right with the super happy smiley face and probably nodding his head as PP wisely whispers words of whimsical wisdom is literally everyone who reads this blogpost.
3483288
...Is this how Diabolical Tutor works nowadays? A skeleton appears out of nowhere, says a few words in a ancient, evil, dead dick language, and then suddenly you can now cast Tainted Æther and screw over the guy using Norin the Wary as a commander. Actually, given how dickish it is to be tutoring for combo crap in the first place, this illustration for Diabolical Tutor is prolly the most appropriate.
And never mind what I said about it being a simple skeleton appearing out of nowhere. It's actually PP :B
3483381 I did that, and then started replacing all the instances of "be a dick" with "has a dick" and "is a dick to" with "gave a dick to".
3483760
I'm fairly certain it's intended to be a bit more symbolic than that. After all, Diabolic Revelation probably doesn't actually consist of having X skulls shout penis euphemisms at you. Probably.
Though you do know my feelings about Pinkie Pie and black mana...
I can't wait for a Season 5 breakdown. I can already think of a few myself:
1. The Lost Treasure of Griffonstone: Gilda was a dick because griffons are dicks because some monstrous dick stole their shiny thing way back in the past.
And... I'm not even going to mention "Rainbow Dash is a huge dick" over and over for Tanks for the Memories.
3483288
It didn't help for me! :V
Or rather, by the end, I was imagining ponies being literal penises, which was strange.
3483313
you shut your face
3483357
Again and again, episodes feature one pony in the 'woe is me' role, everyone else being a dick to them, and then being forgiven because friendship. :B
3483381
As well you should :V
Or you could read it in my voice. V:
3483829
Hey now, let's not get ahead of the dicks here. :B
This is absolutely beautiful, man!
3483313
Oh, holy carp! PP could make a fortune doing "dick reviews" at five bucks a pop!
3484520
Rated on a scale of dickishness, craziness and stupidity with a separate entry for "how fucked are we?"
3484724
You've got to do it! 
Dude!
3484899
I dunno, it sounds like work. :V
3485131
Pure art.
Also, you in fact missed one important pony being a dick.
Twilight being a dick by ignoring Spike leaving to put himself into slavery.
3485610
Sometimes, there are more dicks than I can count. D:
I just realized. This blogpost is really gay. I mean, the word dick is apparently said 145 times, so the f
g levels are up there. This is like listening to Fred Durst counting how many times he says "fuck" in that one song ripping off lyrics from NIN's Closer, and that's also pretty gay. This blogpost is gayer than a gay Limp Bizkit song, and this is taking how gay the band's name is into account.
This is gayer than Rina-chan singing Penis Land Forever at 8:07 here. This is gayer than one of the famous brony fan voices of Twilight Sparkle singing about dicks. This is achieving a lot.
This is gayer than PP's story about Scootaloo hating that one colt for having two dads.
3484024
I admit, I was really turned on by the sheer amount of dicks in here, and I'm like half gay. So this blogpost is very gay :V
My Little Dickies: The Gay Agenda is Magic
3483373
The show wants us to be dicks so we can be ponies. ITS ALL PRAT OF TEH GAY ENCYCLOPEDIA oMBA SFTU WTFBBQ!!!!!!!q!!!!!!
*flaps around and creates a gay rainbow out of moth dust*
3483335
Imagining this as Titanium Dragon's new review format becomes absolutely terrifying. Instead of him breathing fire, it's him breathing out dicks... that's like... a reverse blowjob or something. A reverse blowjob of hatred for everything.
On the bright side, fics wouldn't be burned. You'd have to brush off all the dicks off them though when he's done, so the cleanup is arguably worse. Also, the dicks would be made of metal, so there'd be dents and holes everywhere and that's worse than baseball-sized hail.
Oh, and a dragon breathing dicks instead of fire is the epitome of gayness. This is what Bad Dragon does. Except they take your money first. Like, would you like to have dicks dropped on you for free or not for free?
3483328
There's a dick horse at 0:33. It is a majestic beast. Imagine it dick shuffling to the music.
3483281
vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/9/95/Fluttershy_big_smile_EG.png/revision/latest?cb=20130725193128
3485858
wat
3486680
I wonder what you had imagined then. :B
3486805
But that's work D:
3487432
yes ._.
Seeing what you wanted to do here, yeah it's funny and worth it.
Looking forward to seeing season 5's chronicle of dickery.
In both senses of "huge"
It's zen, I guess?
Which started with Applejack begin dick enough to gamble with her family farm.
Well, these are not necessary mutually exclusive things.
No one rips Dash off. NO ONE.
5393290
I wanna know how you found this five years on. XD
5393344
I found link in Bad Horse's blog index.
5393370
wow XD