Will fill out later.
Long forgotten at the top of the world an ancient prison rests beneath the ice and snow. Built for one purpose, it has held a force of nightmare at bay for over a thousand years. Now the spells are broken, and the nightmare dragon Insomnia has escaped and she is determined that all of Equestria will taste of her wrath. The small town of Glendale must field its best to contend with the dragon, for they are Equestria's first and only line of defense against this great evil.
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Hmmm. Interesting. Not much to judge by yet, but perhaps some character backgrounds would help.
Quite interesting. However, you skip over a few scenes with but a line of transition. Also, part of deal with OCs is that you have to give them some sort of background. For now, I'm assuming they are lesbian lovers.
I gotta say this story has alot of poential, 3.5 stars for now, but i will be tracking!
sounds promising but i want to see more... and i kinda agree with kurbz right now...
Hmmm, I've read through this a few times and see a major problem. Your fic reminds me vaguely of Antipodes in that it is completely original characters. Yours have potential, and this story could be great, but as is they are flat and cardboard. You also lack any character development. That is to say nothing of your awkward phrasing and sudden scene changes. My professional opinion as an editor is that you should get a reviewer or advisor. A good one. Id suggest www.ponychan.net/chan/fic as a good place.
There isn't anything wrong with giving a character background, but it should be worked into the story, and not handed out like a fact sheet. I'm not sure if this is what others are thinking of.
I'd try to introduce less characters for the first chapter. You have too many coming at the reader too quickly. Try to take the characters actions further, why are they acting the way they are, what are they thinking? Paint a picture for the reader, use actions and expressions, not words, to express your character's motives.
Keep at it, I think your paragraph structure is excellent.
This chapter is much better than the others. Just thought you might want to know that.
220344
I'm glad it was noticeable. I made some changes with my narrative style in that chapter. I plan to update the previous chapters to that style eventually.
I think that there needs to be a Me Gusta face pony in the emoticons section...
because...well
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8rafw+YV9LaTsFCjc9a0Lh3FXgz/APIEdtSrplh80DUPTjD5Jxn4Z6gGo3MPMMTKpmv+HzFsqS9h5h37HS7Mox777jagpOIeFkYfVBdC20kIVuDkI5TU8ZfAIxvjKkMNw3alHglhZR3TfbrgMkThQIgXWbBwx19k2xsCSOnvT9we3glf7i54SxwM+faSK4x+HAkkYbYPQ/PPSmW/LiP7284bpVc+X9lWY6fxYC6lONOD+Hufagjct+MsXnukzf3djqicJhrde0coXIKjGzrnHRqf+F82WtzEZLeeOVQcbMAc52BDYI+tYbzDDbXAVbcK7gDVLa27Qhs53CqfLwchcDUx32HSvThHh1fRsrLbqACcqxkQSIcYDMmCen4dIx2x2DdbLhNvD+zjjUvuSANT56ksckjf3qtm4MkF2lxAqxawyXCqNKyAIzo5Uba1ZfxddLMPas1+3Nwghy8sGvAYMXuY139CsspDhdiuuMk4xtTDHz88r8SDKn92h861YKfVFIhZXPfddBIx3+BFBb+Hra5+JON/72I9WMZ8uCJSPo2f1p2pJ8HIGHCYpJN3neSd2PVi8jHUfmADTtQFLnPXJsfEbN4H2YjMb4zocZ0n5bkH3BNMdcIoELwx4wZUaC6XRfWYFtKCd3jBHlyfzA46++T+9U3xT4NPdcOaK1QPL5kbgEqPwuG/e2PTvXxz1y5NrS+4fpS8iGlgdlniz6on+u4Pb3G2JfJPPMd+jKVMNzEdM9s+zIQcEjPVc9+3Q0CvyXJwWWfVHBFHdZwwK6lDsPUsbD0HO5GNwM7DcDT1UDYUs8b5KSSVbiARwzodWvywQ+2CGAI6rlcjcfQCmK0LaF1gBsDUAdQBxvg9xQeuKMV2iggcV4FBcpouIklX2dQcfI9R9KQOMeAti+8Pmod/T5p0/qrHrWnV4XlqJEKNnDDBwSD+YoPz5zTynZWRWGPXdXLOF8iNmYQnIOpu+pgAoU6c7nYDFef+y5VQauE25MeAv3k0UijORhQ+S3uVyM1pVvwNolki4fBGoDET3k2ULuPxKqgamQYwSCB1ChtzVXxO14hawmV5lkiHqaP7PFGuAw3CYzpbGnBOoAlj0wQXuBcstxCRopIY4XjVSYpkV5VGvDMkoCvIgOxDlsHbVkim2w8DbPUDcDzMD9wtED06qO3XvTzwuWO5hgnCAakWVAcZQsoyNu+DpPyqyoIXC+CQ2yBII1jUDGFGPzPU9O9TCcV9VB4naGVPLDaQxAZu4Xvp+J9z0670CHzXzbcyXDW1tZxTqDp8x1aUEggsuFUqB03J2+lVfMPDZQUtS6m+4gFhKxKEW2tIyS4AycgAsCSdyMDYVokptuG2jOQIoYxqOB1PyH4mJwPcmqjkrgzPJJxG6QrcXAAjjY6jbwAeiL4E/ibGNzigabCzWGJIoxpSNQiDrhVAAH5AVIoooCiiig4RWf8AOPh27SC94e3lX0W6nbTMoGPLfsTj0gnqMA9iNBooE/kzxDivD5Mo+z3ibS2z5DZHUpn8Q/X+tN4NLnNXIlvfKPNQawcq4JV1+KsNwdh7g43Bqmt7y/4adNyHv7QbLcRjNzEv/wBsY/aADqy5Pf4AH2iqrgnNFrdjNtPHLjqqn1D5ocMPqKtM0HaKKKAql5r4WLi1kjdzHGRmQqBqKjcgHfSTjqBmrqoXGLFpreWJX0GRGQOOq6hjUPiATQVnIMbDhlrr/EYVboF2b1LlRsDpIpgryggCIqqMKoCgewAwB+Qr0zQGaicU4pFbQvNM6pGgyzHoP/JPt3qp5r58tOHoTcSgNjKwrhpG+S9h8TgVlvDrW65lu1luVaHh0W6oMgSHPQH95j0LDZRsN6Bt4Xq43cR3JylhbyaoYyPVcSrj7xh0EanoOpINaMBUew4ekMaxxKqIg0qqjAAHQVJoCiiigKKKKAooooCviSIMMHO/sSP1FfdFAkczeFNtdt5is8E+ci4j9MmfckYLH4nf40uT8M4/ZbQXaXqg7JJGdWMbesjf/nrWq5igym28apbcheK8Pmt8/wCIgJU/8Lb/AJMaZ+HeLfDJsBbpFJ/3gaP9WAH603sgIwdx7Ut8Q8OOHTHMlnDk9Sq+Xn56MZoJkPOVk+NN3bHPTE0eT9NWak3HMNvHjXPCmemqRFznp1NKEvgdwpiT5Lj+USyAD9a9YvBXhSgD7NnHcySHPz9VBY8S8TLCFinnrLIP8KAGZyfYBMj9aVeN8U41xEBLO2awhb8U0zhZSPkN0HwAJ+NaHwngFvarpt4Y4h/IoXPzI3P1qfigzPljwOt4m829druYnJDZEWfipyzn4sfpWlJCFACjAAwANgB7Adq+6KAooooCiiig/9k=
Huzzah! Le update!
....i have no idea whats going on
240331
In what regard?
242557
idk, everything is blending together
i have a general idea of whats happening, but i feel no connection to the characters or to their journey.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like an epic fable just as much as the next guy...but i get no sense of fluid motion in the story, it feels like a bunch of flat characters walking around in a flat world having flat interactions that go nowhere...i just feel you aren't reaching your full potential as a writer
not that i can talk, i cant write for shit...but i can read for sure...
Don't let me hold you back, i'm just one guy...and its just my opinion.
If i could suggest something, include more back-story...like, Emberwind, for example...I know very little about her. She has a husband/coltfriend, and shes a Pegasus who is friends with Sapphire...that's all i got...a little more back-story would connect your readers to the characters on a deeper level...
and Brindolar...hes a dragon, who lives among ponies, who doesn't grow because he doesn't hoard...I know the facts, but i don't KNOW Brindolar....
and finally, a question...WHATS A SUNLINE?
ok, now were talking, good fluid plot movement
ME GUSTA AGAIN!
very good ending, gonna read the next chapter
dude, you need to draw up some concept art of Stardust...sounds badass!
245806
http://tzelly-el.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d4ooz1v
DUDE!...that is SICK as FUCK!
was Stardust originally a pegasus? Or is she/he a unicorn?
If she was a unicorn, does she still have residual powers even though her horn is gone?
Right, so the illustrious Kurbz has brought this fic to my attention.
On first glance, it appears that I agree with his comments. You suffer from a very rushed introductory chapter(s) and far too many characters are introduced for me to have any connection to any one of them.
The first thing you should ask yourself when writing a completely OC story is that: how do I make readers care about my OCs? Right now, you haven't given us any reason. Do try to fix this. Your story does have potential, and it appears you have an idea of where you're going plot-wise.
(I'll leave more comments as I read more.)
245820
Very nice story. I hope you are not going to abandon it because of some comments.
btw I found this story from http://septiphadrean.deviantart.com/#/d5575qv - why do not add this art to story description ? It's cool :)
831140
Greetings,
Thank you for your interest. I'm actually currently finishing up my second draft of chapter 11. As for the artwork, I was on the road when GSphere finished so I hadn't had an opportunity to post it as the new cover image. Didn't they do a great job? I am so stoked to have it.
That awkward moment when the fic you're reading takes place in a town with the same name as the one you go to school in...
Normally I would not do this, but this was so fresh that I just can not resist. Thank you for writing this story, it was awesome reading.
I am really looking forward for next adventure of Saphire Starlight.
2119329
Glad you liked it! I really enjoyed writing it.
A bit tedious and hard to follow, at least so far.
2362224
I appreciate the feedback. At the time I began this story I had some issues with my narrative style which I had not yet worked out. I believe you should see things improve by around chapter 3. I've been meaning to come back and make some adjustments to the early chapters to bring them more in line with the later chapters. Hopefully soon.
You can has review!