Chapter 7
The Wayward Avenger
Hoofbeats echoed off the cavernous Sanctuary walls, bouncing and reverberating and building into an ominous roar, ever pursuing the three souls lost within the labyrinthine maze. Sapphire's light led the way. Lyric and Emberwind were close behind, following on faith alone. Their leader had no real direction, a left, a right, a ramp down next, each decision made only to serve the purpose of putting distance between them and the beast that pursued. At first she tried to keep track in her head but the frantic pace quickly got the best of her. Rounding one last corner she collapsed in a dark room, sides aching from the effort. The torch on the wall crackled to life, some small act of pity from the maze of tunnels.
“Was that a dragon? A full grown dragon?” Emberwind asked, poking her head out around the corner. Her voice was barely above a whisper.
“She is called Insomnia,” Lyric said. “She is the ancient evil that was trapped here.”
“Apparently that’s no longer the case,” Sapphire said, sprawled in the corner.
“How’s your head?” Emberwind asked. Sapphire found the pegasus peering down at her in concern. “It looked like you hit that wall pretty hard.”
“I did,” Sapphire mumbled, rubbing a hoof through her mane. It did little to ease the soreness, but it seemed like such a small problem in light of things. She stared up at the ceiling wondering how far down they were, if there were other ways out. If going back toward the entrance was the best path or the closest thing to suicide. Were the others even looking for them? Light wouldn’t leave her behind.
“Sapphire.” Emberwind shook her.
“What?!” Sapphire half-snapped.
“I asked if you needed some water,” the fiery-maned pegasus said.
“Not all that thirsty,” she said. “Thanks.”
This seemed to do little to ease Emberwind’s concerns. Sapphire could feel her friend’s concerned gaze upon her whenever her back was turned. There was little she could do to stop that though.
“How about you?” she asked, peering over Lyric’s shoulder. The caramel colored unicorn had filled several fresh pages.
“I am beginning to feel my old strength again,” she said. She snapped the book shut and slid it into her satchel. “I was suspicious that this was another of Insomnia’s tricks, but your story is convincing. She has surely grown in power. When we arrived she could not escape the bottom level. Only her lieutenants.”
“There’s more than one monster here? Great.” Emberwind huffed. “Just how many are there?”
“Three, counting Insomnia herself. She had two lackeys. We called them Avarice and Wrath. Both are very dangerous. Their incursions into Glendale are how we first came to know of problems in the sanctuary. Avarice is a shadowy creature, he’ll rob you of your senses. Wrath is a powerful manticore. He is so full of rage he fights as though consumed by fire.”
“You’ve fought him?” Sapphire asked.
“I am not a warrior,” Lyric said. “Stardust was. She fought with great valor. She was lightning through the air, and thunder when she struck. She would never know defeat, even unto death. Sadly, brave Stardust was not enough to end Wrath. She was forced back into the darkness. She vanished there. I do not know what happened to her. I am afraid she perished in my defense.”
“You said there were two with you. Brazen right?” Emberwind asked. “What about him?”
“We found the Lunar Stone after Stardust vanished. It was cracked, bleeding its power away. We were going for help when Avarice stopped us at the door. That is the last thing I remember.”
“We need a plan,” Sapphire said. “Do you know of any other ways out? They’ll probably have the way we came blocked.”
Lyric shook her head. “Sorry, that’s the only way I know.”
“Then it will definitely be guarded,” Emberwind said. “We should go back now, maybe try to sneak past. We don’t have to get too close for Sapphire to warp us out. As long as that magic wall is gone.”
Lyric raised a trembling hoof toward the doorway. Golden eyes gazed in, fixed on the three cornered mares. A low, guttural growl rumbled in the manticore’s chest. Sapphire was closest. She could feel its hot, panting breath on her face. A savage swipe sent her tumbling head over hoof along the floor. Her barrier had crackled to life just in time to prevent a killing blow. It faded away so quickly. She knew she was depleted. All that warping…
Wrath seemed fixated on her. He marched past Emberwind and Lyric, barely casting a sidelong glance at the two shocked ponies. The sight of Sapphire struggling to stand stirred Emberwind to action. A wing-powered leap landed a hoof against the back of the manticore’s skull. He swiped at the pegasus, phased by the blow’s tremendous force. Emberwind easily evaded the clumsy attack, but the manticore was still standing and her next attempt might not be so lucky.
“Sapphire, you have to run!” Emberwind cried out.
Sapphire glanced toward the door. Getting to it meant charging the manticore, or warping, a feat she felt would end with her unconscious. Not that charging seemed much more likely to succeed. Quickly she found herself backed into a corner, prompting an urgent, desperate effort. Magic was out. Charging seemed fatal, staying worse. The wall behind her shimmered, dissolving into a dark vortex of swirling energies. A cold wind seemed to be trying to pull her in.
The manticore could never have anticipated what came next. A cobalt blue creature whistled out of the portal like a comet borne to the earth. She crashed into Wrath full force, knocking the mighty manticore over. Emberwind seized the opportunity and landed another crushing strike to the beast’s head, but her effort paled in light of the savage assault the monster was now under.
The creature from the portal had the tail and claws of a dragon, and one pony’s hoof. Vengeful spikes lined her back, protruding though her ragged cerulean mane. Nightmarish wings, feathered and scaled, spread behind her into a bleak shroud. Like an angel of death her attack was relentless and without mercy. Time and time again she slashed the manticore with her claws or battered his head with her hoof. His attempts at retaliation were shrugged off or deftly evaded. Even the mightiest of creatures could not have stood against her tireless rage. When it seemed that Wrath was about to fall, the beast fled into the portal he'd meant for Sapphire. His attacker did not follow. She roared her frustration, pacing back and forth as she considered diving in after him.
The three ponies were huddled against the back wall, slowly edging toward the door. The dragon-pony didn’t seem to notice them right away. She clawed at the earth, shouting curses into the portal as it shrank. When it finally closed she threw herself against the wall, clawing at the bricks with reckless abandon.
“That mark…” Lyric said. Emberwind put a hoof over her mouth.
“Are you trying to get us killed?” she hissed. Her leg was pushed away by the unicorn’s magic.
“It’s Stardust!” Lyric shouted, forcing past Emberwind and Sapphire.
“Lyric?”the creature turned slowly, finally taking notice of the lives she'd just saved. Her jaw fell slack for a moment, recognition spreading across her face.
“Stardust! Are you okay?” she called, rushing toward the distraught creature.
“Do I look okay?” Stardust snapped furiously. Lyric slid to an abrupt halt and wilted under Stardust’s wild-eyed glare.
“I’m sorry, I-“
“You ran! You hid! You left me to this!” Stardust shouted. “I died that day Lyric. I died and Brazen died and you scribbled in your little book about it.” She stamped the ground with her right forehoof, the only leg that didn’t end in a dragon’s claw. The cruel spikes along her mane and back bristled menacingly, glimmered knives in the faint torchlight.
“Easy there,” Sapphire said, cautiously approaching.
“We’re not looking for a fight,” she added, which was good because she was pretty sure they’d lose.
“Then you’ve come to the wrong place,” Stardust said, slinking out of the light. “Leave while you are yet whole.”
“That’s the general idea,” Emberwind said, squinting to see where the dragon-pony had gone. “We were looking for a way out when that manticore attacked. Thanks for the help there. I’m not sure what we’d have done if you’d not come along.”
“Perished,” Stardust murmured from somewhere in the dark.
“What?”
“You would have died,” she snapped surging forth into the light. Emberwind made a hasty retreat out of the reach of Stardust's claws.
“Stardust I’m so sorry…” Lyric said weakly. Her head was lowered and she cast a fleeting glance at the dragon-pony. “I’m glad that you escaped.”
Escaped. The word seemed to sort of hang awkwardly in the air. It rang hollow.
Stardust seemed to think for a while, looking down at the caramel unicorn. Lyric could see glaciers in Stardust’s eyes. At last the hybrid broke away.
“Come with me,” Stardust said. “I’ll lead you out.”
242557
idk, everything is blending together
i have a general idea of whats happening, but i feel no connection to the characters or to their journey.
I mean, don't get me wrong, I like an epic fable just as much as the next guy...but i get no sense of fluid motion in the story, it feels like a bunch of flat characters walking around in a flat world having flat interactions that go nowhere...i just feel you aren't reaching your full potential as a writer
not that i can talk, i cant write for shit...but i can read for sure...
Don't let me hold you back, i'm just one guy...and its just my opinion.
If i could suggest something, include more back-story...like, Emberwind, for example...I know very little about her. She has a husband/coltfriend, and shes a Pegasus who is friends with Sapphire...that's all i got...a little more back-story would connect your readers to the characters on a deeper level...
and Brindolar...hes a dragon, who lives among ponies, who doesn't grow because he doesn't hoard...I know the facts, but i don't KNOW Brindolar....
and finally, a question...WHATS A SUNLINE?
dude, you need to draw up some concept art of Stardust...sounds badass!
245806
http://tzelly-el.deviantart.com/gallery/#/d4ooz1v
DUDE!...that is SICK as FUCK!
was Stardust originally a pegasus? Or is she/he a unicorn?
If she was a unicorn, does she still have residual powers even though her horn is gone?
Right, so the illustrious Kurbz has brought this fic to my attention.
On first glance, it appears that I agree with his comments. You suffer from a very rushed introductory chapter(s) and far too many characters are introduced for me to have any connection to any one of them.
The first thing you should ask yourself when writing a completely OC story is that: how do I make readers care about my OCs? Right now, you haven't given us any reason. Do try to fix this. Your story does have potential, and it appears you have an idea of where you're going plot-wise.
(I'll leave more comments as I read more.)