Then Twilight was all ‘Oh you saved Equestria’ but then they decided that I was an animal and shoved me in a barn with a bunch of other animals and now I work slave labour for some redneck bitch”
“Eventually I realized that she was just crazed and left her. Then she summoned some real demons so Princess Twilight Sparkle hired me to stop them, I put a bullet in the demon’s head, it died then Trixie was put in a jail cell and sentenced to five years in solitary confinement. Then Twilight was all ‘Oh you saved Equestria’ but then they decided that I was an animal and shoved me in a barn with a bunch of other animals and now I work slave labour for some redneck bitch”
Wow, that's out of character for Twilight... and AJ. You might need an "alternate universe" tag here...
Otherwise, I'm interested in future events. Will Fleur rescue our uncultured protagonists from his undeserved servitude?
I agree that this needs an Alternate Universe tag, due to the characters being so ridiculously OOC.
Also, have you been in the military? If so, how many Sergeants Major do you know act the way this one does? I've never met one, and I was in for 9 years. With a purely HQ job no less, so I was always dealing with them in whatever unit I was assigned.
Then Twilight was all ‘Oh you saved Equestria’ but then they decided that I was an animal and shoved me in a barn with a bunch of other animals and now I work slave labour for some redneck bitch
The story was faily simple written, si I'd recomend improving your vocabulary, and possibly try improving your ability to bary sentence stucture and legth. Also you'd want to adapt your writing to the scenes, or else the story will end up boring and monotone.
Ok, done with the negative parts. So, we got a (self insert) HiE where the human's not automatically a hero? Clever. Fleur in heat, and desperate like that A creative diea indeed. Just a shame you decided to make it a clopfic. This would have been a god idea for an erotic novel.
Is it just me, or all of the periods at the end of each dialogue in all of the chapters are missing? Anyways, great story. Willing to wait for more, since clopfics about Fleur de Lis are pretty rare.
This absolutely reeks of Call Of Duty. Is that where your inspiration for the wolf battle came from? And all the swearing? And the Desert Eagle .50? If it is, you will not find a like from me. Even still, you will not find a like from me, know why? It all comes down to one single fact that told me this part of the story is not worth my time: The Desert Eagle is a mercenary weapon, NOT a military firearm. The U.S. does not use it, the R.U. does NOT use it, The fucking Gihad does NOT use it. Nobody uses it, save international Mercenaries, and the occasional gun collector.
Chapter 3. Looks largely recollection-based. Alright, let’s see what we got.
… “mission of sort” – ‘sort’ should be ‘sorts’. … “one little peak” – ‘peak’ should be ‘peek’. … “My head throbbed in pain and I placed a hand on my throbbing head.” – Okay, no error here, but do you really want to put ‘head throbbed’ and ‘throbbing head’ in the same sentence? It’s just a bit repetitive. … “like I did. He leaned over and whispered to me, “Since when do the deserts have trees?” he asked curiously and I shrugged. We woke up Jackson and Elijah who reacted pretty much the same as we did. “Jonas… what’s the GPS say?” I asked and he quickly fumbled around for the small handheld GPS. He took a quick glance then gulped. “We… we’re” – I quoted the whole series of lines, because there are several instances of improper spacing. These should be double-spaced, yet you only chose to implement single-spacing. … “but couldn’t’” – Remove the second apostrophe. … “looked weird to” – ‘to’ should be ‘too’. … “clenched teeth then it opened” – Replace ‘then’ with ‘as’. … “and withing seconds” – ‘withing’ should be ‘within’. … “Trixie need to” – ‘need’ should be ‘needs’.
Okay. First off, Permanent Temporary and Bytestorm pretty much said everything I wanted to with regards to the characterization of the ponies of Ponyville. They're ridiculously misplaced. You take how several other animals are treated, and they're either feared or welcomed, or the occasional sentient creature that's herded. Sheep? Herded. Cows? Welcomed. Hydras? Feared. There really isn't anything for 'slave labor'. You could have made it a bit easier by just making the ponies act normally! In fact, taking a page from your Aloe and Lotus story, you should have simply made Princess Twilight Sparkle use her royal clout to get him a normal job, and when his military background came into question, THEN they could have seen him as being more… 'feral'.
Even then, getting a job at Sweet Apple Acres and then getting transferred to Canterlot? Okay, I'll buy that. Hayseed Turnip Truck appeared in 'Apple Family Reunion', after all, so he was in Canterlot, AND an Apple Family member! But why make Trixie get put in prison? Why not just exiled? It's not like Princess Twilight Sparkle doesn't have that kind of power... Besides, prisons have yet to exist in Equestria. Even FUNERAL HOMES exist!
You took a bad means of ruining the immersion of the scene with Trixie, with the sudden, comical summary that sounded more like it would fit in a .MOV video. I'm not amused. There was a serious moment of drama where he was expressing his loss of his squad… then snap back to present day. "Yeah, got over it by now, here's a summary."
The worst thing is, I remember putting this on my "Watch Later" list… but after seeing the comments by Byte and Temporary, I remember the reason WHY: It was because I believed this would be to out of character for me to get into.
… Well… it sort of is. Not gonna lie. But with that in mind, "What Next?"
… Only one thing left to do. I'm gonna give the story a rest, and come back after some well-needed sleep. Yes, despite me saying it would be my final chance for judgment, I'm heading back in. I need to see if this improves, and now we'll be getting back to the main story… though Dale being intimidated by Fancy Pants was rather… sudden, given his rude manner of addressing him in the previous chapter. I can only hope it improves... after some sleep.
.. Why is it that every story i've read of yours, the main character is always a "macho manly man" who usually likes guns/knives, and acts like an exaggerated 80s action film hero? Calm down, Rambo. Like, if that's your thing, I guess, but... I've just never really been able to connect with them. And this story... The clop is what I came for, and yet it's hardly even there. It got ripped off like a band-aid... and then the Gary Stu fest begins.
Right.. screw it i"m already this deep into the rabbit hole, may as well see how much further it goes before I start beating my head against a wall out of just how... OOC the characters are.
Just because no one else has pointed this out. Delta Force can for the most part draw any weapon the think they need. However they wouldn't draw a mini gun for a recon mission. That beast eats ammunition like it's going out of style. Most likely the would have drawn a 50.
Seriously? I just can't see Twilight Sparkle changing her opinion on a creature's sapience level so quickly, ESPECIALLY after he literally just finished saving Equestria like that. If you were trying to sell how racist Equestria and ponies are, you should've changed her actions towards him. Like rather than enlist him fighting a big battle and whatnot, maybe have him be hinted down and captured like some wild animal to be brought in for experimentation and study.
My body is ready.
Moar man this story is wunderbar
More
Well, Shit..
Wow, that's out of character for Twilight... and AJ. You might need an "alternate universe" tag here...
Otherwise, I'm interested in future events. Will Fleur rescue our uncultured protagonists from his undeserved servitude?
I agree that this needs an Alternate Universe tag, due to the characters being so ridiculously OOC.
Also, have you been in the military? If so, how many Sergeants Major do you know act the way this one does? I've never met one, and I was in for 9 years. With a purely HQ job no less, so I was always dealing with them in whatever unit I was assigned.
Also, clop with Fluer and Human!
For making my day, you sir, get a fav!
*GASP*
My name is Elijah!
...
Oh. My name is Elijah
2277169 I resemble that remark.
The story was faily simple written, si I'd recomend improving your vocabulary, and possibly try improving your ability to bary sentence stucture and legth. Also you'd want to adapt your writing to the scenes, or else the story will end up boring and monotone.
Ok, done with the negative parts. So, we got a (self insert) HiE where the human's not automatically a hero? Clever. Fleur in heat, and desperate like that
A creative diea indeed. Just a shame you decided to make it a clopfic. This would have been a god idea for an erotic novel.
Is it just me, or all of the periods at the end of each dialogue in all of the chapters are missing? Anyways, great story. Willing to wait for more, since clopfics about Fleur de Lis are pretty rare.
This was... well this was somthing
A shitload of weapon specifications. That is what every fimfic needs. :)
The pic below describes how I feel about this fic.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-nHeB3pmzL-o/TuENNcBtK2I/AAAAAAAABdA/E3EHlZhjzhY/s400/mlp_wat.jpg
K, right here is a box i want you to open it *hands box* reply to this comment saying *opens box* and youll get something amazing.
Today I learned Delta Force personal have terrible reaction times and die as frequently as Star Trek red shirts.
Since when did the military start ordering stick shift HUMVEEs?
2278275
Yup, you just got ass raped by at manticore cause you were taking a piss.
2278926 *Opens box...?*
Hehe, military with Desert Eagles Now I know not to take this seriously!
This absolutely reeks of Call Of Duty.
Is that where your inspiration for the wolf battle came from? And all the swearing? And the Desert Eagle .50?
If it is, you will not find a like from me.
Even still, you will not find a like from me, know why?
It all comes down to one single fact that told me this part of the story is not worth my time:
The Desert Eagle is a mercenary weapon, NOT a military firearm. The U.S. does not use it, the R.U. does NOT use it, The fucking Gihad does NOT use it. Nobody uses it, save international Mercenaries, and the occasional gun collector.
Started reading this trigger, and all i can say is....
BUY SOME APPLES!
2282743 tis' but a story good gent. If you wish for something more realistic, you really don't belong on this site. just sayin'.
An army soldier as a slave for ponies. Me personal would've just killed everything alive and be a mad bad crazed up pycho.:-)
2277117 Damn, you beat me to it, bro!
> Desert Eagle .50AE
> Military
Okay what kind of crazy ponies say the guy who saved the world is an animal and put him in slave labor? That's horrible.
HMMWVs don't have ignition keys. Its an off and on switch for the glow plugs. Also they don't come in standard transmission.
Just some nitpicking.
Chapter 3. Looks largely recollection-based. Alright, let’s see what we got.
… “mission of sort” – ‘sort’ should be ‘sorts’.
… “one little peak” – ‘peak’ should be ‘peek’.
… “My head throbbed in pain and I placed a hand on my throbbing head.” – Okay, no error here, but do you really want to put ‘head throbbed’ and ‘throbbing head’ in the same sentence? It’s just a bit repetitive.
… “like I did.
He leaned over and whispered to me, “Since when do the deserts have trees?” he asked curiously and I shrugged. We woke up Jackson and Elijah who reacted pretty much the same as we did.
“Jonas… what’s the GPS say?” I asked and he quickly fumbled around for the small handheld GPS. He took a quick glance then gulped.
“We… we’re” – I quoted the whole series of lines, because there are several instances of improper spacing. These should be double-spaced, yet you only chose to implement single-spacing.
… “but couldn’t’” – Remove the second apostrophe.
… “looked weird to” – ‘to’ should be ‘too’.
… “clenched teeth then it opened” – Replace ‘then’ with ‘as’.
… “and withing seconds” – ‘withing’ should be ‘within’.
… “Trixie need to” – ‘need’ should be ‘needs’.
Okay. First off, Permanent Temporary and Bytestorm pretty much said everything I wanted to with regards to the characterization of the ponies of Ponyville. They're ridiculously misplaced. You take how several other animals are treated, and they're either feared or welcomed, or the occasional sentient creature that's herded. Sheep? Herded. Cows? Welcomed. Hydras? Feared. There really isn't anything for 'slave labor'. You could have made it a bit easier by just making the ponies act normally! In fact, taking a page from your Aloe and Lotus story, you should have simply made Princess Twilight Sparkle use her royal clout to get him a normal job, and when his military background came into question, THEN they could have seen him as being more… 'feral'.
Even then, getting a job at Sweet Apple Acres and then getting transferred to Canterlot? Okay, I'll buy that. Hayseed Turnip Truck appeared in 'Apple Family Reunion', after all, so he was in Canterlot, AND an Apple Family member! But why make Trixie get put in prison? Why not just exiled? It's not like Princess Twilight Sparkle doesn't have that kind of power... Besides, prisons have yet to exist in Equestria. Even FUNERAL HOMES exist!
You took a bad means of ruining the immersion of the scene with Trixie, with the sudden, comical summary that sounded more like it would fit in a .MOV video. I'm not amused. There was a serious moment of drama where he was expressing his loss of his squad… then snap back to present day. "Yeah, got over it by now, here's a summary."
The worst thing is, I remember putting this on my "Watch Later" list… but after seeing the comments by Byte and Temporary, I remember the reason WHY: It was because I believed this would be to out of character for me to get into.
… Well… it sort of is. Not gonna lie. But with that in mind, "What Next?"
… Only one thing left to do. I'm gonna give the story a rest, and come back after some well-needed sleep. Yes, despite me saying it would be my final chance for judgment, I'm heading back in. I need to see if this improves, and now we'll be getting back to the main story… though Dale being intimidated by Fancy Pants was rather… sudden, given his rude manner of addressing him in the previous chapter. I can only hope it improves... after some sleep.
Was this really necessary?
.. Why is it that every story i've read of yours, the main character is always a "macho manly man" who usually likes guns/knives, and acts like an exaggerated 80s action film hero? Calm down, Rambo. Like, if that's your thing, I guess, but... I've just never really been able to connect with them.
And this story... The clop is what I came for, and yet it's hardly even there. It got ripped off like a band-aid... and then the Gary Stu fest begins.
3693342 Well excuse him for not being a metro sexual pansy lover
Right.. screw it i"m already this deep into the rabbit hole, may as well see how much further it goes before I start beating my head against a wall out of just how... OOC the characters are.
Just because no one else has pointed this out. Delta Force can for the most part draw any weapon the think they need. However they wouldn't draw a mini gun for a recon mission. That beast eats ammunition like it's going out of style. Most likely the would have drawn a 50.
8222984
Really?
Seriously? I just can't see Twilight Sparkle changing her opinion on a creature's sapience level so quickly, ESPECIALLY after he literally just finished saving Equestria like that. If you were trying to sell how racist Equestria and ponies are, you should've changed her actions towards him. Like rather than enlist him fighting a big battle and whatnot, maybe have him be hinted down and captured like some wild animal to be brought in for experimentation and study.