Clop not really important to me it the romance that seals the deal.

This was very nice ^-^

You used the wrong 'there' at the bottom of the description. It's 'there', not 'their'.
Seems interesting, though!

Well this is just a great story, but who am I kidding the stories i have read that you typed are all great

Swandive into THE greatest night of your life

It's like a Spanish soap only one that I can actually deal with!

congrats on the feature! i had it faved BEFORE it was featured (lol bad hipster moment)

2280902 Yeah... I don't know what it is about the romancy stories I write. I mean, I write rather interesting action stories which do alright and I like them more because I don't have to imagine myself (Makes gesture like I am having intercourse) with a pony. Maybe god is trying to tell me something... God says: EVAN! You are to be a romance novelist. I look up to god. "REALLY!"

2281185

humanize them? try giving that a try, but yeah i see your point lol, im much better with gore storys but i don't want gore with my ponies

I'm going to start off by saying I like the story, I like the premise, and I love the choice of characters. It's a little different, so it's going to catch people's interests, and it has what I want in a romance. (Two people who come together despite the difficulty in doing so, and in spite of their differences. The clop is fun too.)

But I feel there are serious problems.

Dale isn't being treated like an animal, and he isn't being treated like he's dangerous - he's being treated like a slave for some reason. If he were considered an animal, then he wouldn't be in charge of hawking apples by himself. If he were considered dangerous... well, he'd be locked up until they were sure he wasn't.

Dale knows way too much about Fancy Pants' private life. I understand that Fancy would hide such things from Fluer in this scenario, but how does Dave-the-Slave know? Does Fancy hang out with the 'dangerous animal' on the weekends?

Fluer is far too okay with cheating on Fancy. Especially since she gets really upset that Fancy is already cheating on her. She even makes her decision before she knows about Fancy, so it's not a case of her trying to get back at him - she's just horribly hypocritical.

Dale is a superhero. He defeats a monster that clobbered both Celestia and Luna? And he does it with a pretty standard military weapon. Either the princesses are massively inept in your story, or there's a Gary Stu in the making.

Dale is an overly-angsty superhero. I understand that he suffers from Post Traumatic Stress, but he slips in and out of it so suddenly that he's practically schizophrenic (and I may be using the wrong mental disorder...). Its use is very heavy-handed as it only crops up in scenes when it benefits Dale by garnering him sympathy.

Dale is a forgiving, overly-angsty superhero. That Trixie didn't die after summoning Dale from a combat zone and getting all of his friends killed is mystifying to me. He holds his anger at Fluer far longer than he did for Trixie, and Trixie gave him a helluva' reason to be angry.

Dale is a forgiving, overly-angsty superhero with a hell of an arsenal up his sleeve. I know he's a soldier coming from a combat zone so he's going to be armed to the teeth, but every time he shoots something its with a different weapon and it's becoming a noticeable detraction in my mind. Also, the Princesses should have done something about that long before Trixie showed up the second time. A grenade launcher in Applejack's barn? In Equestria? If he's been allowed to keep anything at all, since he's a 'dangerous animal,' then I will be very disappointed.

There are a number of places where you get very 'wordy' when doing descriptions when you don't have to be. Things like "I said with a heavy tone of sorrow in my voice," and "...her mane splashed down and splashed against my face with considerable wetness" read somewhat awkwardly. You could pretty easily say the same things with less words. Something like "My voice was heavy with sorrow" works just as well.

Fluer flip-flops horribly on her attraction to Dale in chapter 6. She needs to have hesitation when she's more in her right mind, but her anti-Dale reaction is so strong in comparison to the budding romance that it sticks out as odd.

The romance is happening amazingly quickly. The two have known each other for less than two days and they're both confessing their love to one another. This is especially jarring since Fluer is married (though now unhappily) and Dale hasn't shown any definite interest in her. They are moving far too fast, are much too agreeable (which contrasts with Fluer's 'revolted' reaction), even considering Fluer is in heat. Especially because she is. I'm hoping at some point they both step back and realize that it's not love yet, but infatuation and lust.

Now that you've read all that, assuming you did, I hope you realize that I did this not to blast your story, but because I want to see better. Though the fact that it made the feature box in this state is irksome to me, and did play in to my response.

2282037 sorry its allready been redeemed :(

hmm........................................................................... I like it though honestly I did skip over the flash back and the fight with trixie. I tried but It just didnt really grab me, But i loved everything else

I would find it hard to resist somepony like Fleur waving her plot in my face and not seriously tap that.
fc09.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/251/1/1/fleurplot_by_ziemniax-d5dzicu.png

Fleur de Lis has always been faithful to her husband Fancy Pants but when he leaves for a week during job related social calls, she is left to satisfy herself but soon finds it impossible when she enters her heat cycle.

Dat run-on...

What if Fancy Pants catches them in the act?

Holy Jesus fuck! Short chapters, Human, Cod References...

Holy fuck!? What the fuck is this shit and why is it in the featured box!?

This has about as much potential as Tommy Wiseau does as an actor after his performance in "The Room".

“Oh come on, I know you want to” she giggled. Almost like she had me in a hypnosis spell, I slowly walked forwards. My left hand reached forwards for her rear but I squeezed my eyes shut then grabbed her with my right hand and spun her around.

This second sentence gives an amazing description. The third sentences continues it, but it finished too quickly. There's a few other parts with the same sort of problem where you start giving this amazing description but it abruptly cuts off. Describe what he sees while in this state (maybe Fleur suddenly becomes more appealing to him), what he feels/how his thoughts are going (because he likely has more thoughts than just wanting to reach forward; maybe conflicting thoughts about whether or not he wants to do it with Fleur or something like that). It is decent writing and I like how you didn't quite get it fully into the clop yet and have only suggested it occurring up to this point with the heat thing.

2283390 I LOVE YOU!!!

Get on with it I require more reading material for when I'm at work

2283415 It's just one of my many superpowers, Lightening moods and putting smiles on peoples faces is just what I do.

No story with a synopsis that has grammar like that has any right to be in the featured box.

Wow, even the chapter titles are bad.

This story caught my attention when I read the title. I've written a similar story and share the interest, believe me. However, I must say this story has developed strangely. The variations of speed in you descriptions are okay and you kept stuff happening through the story so far. I've read all the chapters up til now, and I have two things to say:

Congratulations for making me read my first HiE story, you really tricked me there. I won't blame you for anything, but let me say this is a love-hate kinda thing.

Don't be ashamed of having fantasies, man. Just look at authors like me, don't you think all of us wants to strap up a magical, talking, technicolor ponies? I tell you, you're not alone

Will await next chapter with a strange feeling of anticipation and fear...

more saucy details!

Welcome back to the feature box, my friend. lol.

are all the guys geting turned on from this? if you are anwser me.

Fleur! You dirty whore, you've given into lust, you're weak! Such weakness shouldn't be allowed to spread on to others!

2283820 There are SO MUCH better ones out there than this!

2284535 Oh, I do believe there are. I've read much better things AND much worse ones too. Just because of that doesn't mean I won't give this a ride to the end. You should never judge a story until it ends.

RAMIREZ! Get into a relationship with that pony quickly! We're Oscar Mike to the next chapter!

2283287
Fair enough, I apologise for my behaviour.

2277288

how many Sergeants Major do you know act the way this one does? I've never met one

Agreed. Research would have paid off in this instance.
I'm former Army myself, and can agree with you here.

Yikes. Pretty awkward descriptive style, pacing issues, character development issues... this has got problems. And not little ones, either. Not to mention the premise reminds me one hell of a lot of this much more well-written story. I... I am amazed this made the featured box. Truly.

Don't get me wrong, it's not the worst thing I've ever read by a long shot, but I certainly will not count myself among its fans.

I'd advise you take the advice of fine people like 2281839 and put some serious work into making a more believable narrative in the future. There's a lot of room for improvement. Like, a lot.

2282743 Yes I know the .50 caliber Desert Eagle is not a military weapon. But look at it from my stand point. When I'm imagining this happening, I don't really want to be shooting a 9mm Glock or Berretta or Browning high-power, I want a big gun that says BANG but not as big as the 500 S&W... those are a little hard on the wrist... and the rest of my arm

Why is this in the feature box? Did the writer's girlfriend suck the admin off or something?

...

Did the writer suck the admin off? Not that that's a bad thing at all, I've found myself personally in a dick-suckling mood at times, just curious. This a pretty weak fic as far as it goes. Grammar and sentence structure issues plague it, the plot is pretty weak, the sex is okay but enbittered by the previous two issues.

Why.

One thing I can't understand is haters, If you don't like it just go on about your business. Writers such as Trigger Finger, Divide, Radiant Dawn and many others take the time out of their lives to entertain ours. Sure, I believe one can express one's thoughts on someone else's ideals, thoughts, stories, the list is endless, but at least try to keep it civil, or polite. When I see an author being ridiculed for his/her work, I find it rather infuriating. Just keep a cool mind and be thoughtful of others. If you actually read this, well I can see your level headed and I respect you. Stay awesome. Your bro, xXCondemnedSoulXx.

2285520 Because people enjoy it, the world doesn't revolve around you.

Not a bad story at all, I must say
A bit short & it doesn't go much into the characters; but I feel like that's the true art of a writer; leave most of the storyline to the reader's imagination. Can't just be spoonfed all the information after all.

However, I am a bit disappointed that it didn't continue after that. I was hoping to read some hardcore stuff... It still works in any case; it can act as a lead-up rather than a read-through

I reward you an enthusiastic thumbs up

Not to mention the premise reminds me one hell of a lot of this much more well-written story. I... I am amazed this made the featured box. Truly.

2285288 I second that.

This story makes me even more sad now.

2282585
Some military units train with the DE, but the practicality for issuing them as sidearms is null and void.
I should know. I've reloaded .50 AE rounds before. Damned expensive, they are.

2282743

Although officers traditionally had been obligated to buy their own weapons, non-commissioned officers (NCOs) and other enlisted personnel were generally issued their weapons (which they were then expected to either pay for or return to the quartermaster if they were promoted). Service pistols, on the other hand, were generally issued to officers, NCO, and others who needed to carry personal weapons as part of their duties. Hence, it was quite common for officers to carry government-issued service pistols in combat.

Special operations soldiers often carry a handgun as a secondary weapon to serve in a supplementary capacity to their primary weapon (a rifle, carbine, submachine gun, or shotgun); this practice is not as prevalent among conventional soldiers. Soldiers who do not serve in a direct combat role are often issued a pistol (such as officers, artillery crews, and other rear-echelon personnel), but conventional riflemen are not generally issued a pistol as part of their standard kit. However, drivers are often issued a handgun since while driving, their rifle will be stowed on a rack and thus difficult to make ready quickly in an emergency whereas a handgun is more easily accessible.

Source

RBR, dude. Research-Before-Ranting. It's acceptable for a Sergeant Major in the US Army 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment-Delta to own and equip a Magnum Research Mark XIX Desert Eagle, caliber .50AE semi-automatic magnum pistol.

...Now, I honestly don't rightly understand why he'd feel it was necessary to bring such a weapon, since he could bring a much better alternative to this five-and-a-third-pound-loaded monster (comparatively, the much more combat-reliable M4 carbine weighs just shy of seven pounds loaded with 30 rounds 5.56mm NATO, meaning the DEXIX 50AE weighs over 75% as much as the M4 carbine, which is absurd) that would be far better suited as a combat sidearm. Such as, for example, a SiG P250DCc or Springfield XD Compact loaded with 10+ rounds of 200 grain .45 ACP+P "Limited Penetraton-FMJ" (yes, legal for use in the military despite it technically being an "dum-dum type" bullet... lol I dunno? Hoorah for loopholes in the Hague Accords?), each packing 995 feet per second and 440 foot-pounds of force at 25 yards, while weighing just under two pounds loaded (~25% as much as the M4 carbine).

...Furthermore, the Desert Eagle isn't altogether as reliable in sandy environments, since it uses a fixed gas-operated cylinder (like the M16) as opposed to the short recoil or blow-back designs most commonly seen in semi-automatic pistols.

That having been said...
2285517
RBW, author. Research-Before-Writing. If you're going to make this guy an E-9 in any part of the the US military, much less any US special operations group like Delta Force, you'd better damn fucking know just what you're talking about in the first place. Anything less would be just another a mockery of the men and women of the service.

Better get reading, you've got a lot of material to cover. And this is only a summary of the stuff you should know about Delta Force.

...Perhaps it would be easier for you to just make him standard US Army instead, and drop him down to grade E-4/E-5 (corporal/sergeant), to make him a more believable character, and ease the burden of research on yourself?
...But you need to know your shit about the military lest you make a fool out of yourself. Because, who the hell writes about shit they don't actually know the first thing about?
I mean, that's just foolish. Also quite stupid.

Now get to work maggot!
You don't wanna be known as a stupid fool, right? Then you'd better get moving, on the double!

EDIT:
2282585 2286228
Relevant only because I wanted you guys to read this because I'M AN ATTENTION WHORE AND I NEED MY FIX.
ALSO, GIVE ME THUMBS UP, I NEED APPROVAAAAAAAAAL! NO, I'M NOT CRAZY, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

2286335 At least someone here copied a proof before ranting. But still, it's pretty rare to see a soldier with a desert eagle. Oh wait, haven't even seen a soldier in real life.

2286375

At least someone here copied a proof before ranting.

Because that's the proper way to argue your point of view.
Doesn't everybody know that......?
...
...
...
...DEBATE CLASSES SHOULD BE MANDATORY THROUGH PRIMARY SCHOOL. PUBLIC AND PRIVATE.
———THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE TRAVESTY THAT IS THE AVERAGE PERSON'S ABILITY TO ARGUE ANYTHING COHERENTLY.

....DAMN, MY CAPSLOCKS KEY IS NOW STUCK.
EDIT: I fixed it.

But still, it's pretty rare to see a soldier with a desert eagle.

I covered that one too. The Desert Eagle's not aimed at the combat pistol market, it's aimed at the civilian handgun enthusiast market. There are a myriad (that's ten thousand) of better alternatives if you're looking for a combat sidearm.

And let's not forget that sidearms are nowhere near as useful as primary weapons like rifles in actual combat situations, which is why they're only used in special situations where the primary weapon is not available. Desert Eagle isn't really a good choice for that sort of role: it's XBOX huge and weighs over three-fourths as much as a fully-loaded M4 carbine, whereas the loaded SiG P250 is compact and weighs merely one-fourth as much as the same carbine. I'd take the SiG into a battlezone over the DE any day.

———Then again, I just like SiG-Sauer pistols. They're sexy.

2286335 Much like I've told DragonbornIdentity, Tis' but a story, a fictional story set in a fictional world. One can express one's thoughts on any matter at all as they choose, but as long as they are respectful to the other. Trying to bring in realism into Equestria is a false hope.

I respect that you took the time to write your lengthy speech and greatly appreciate the knowledge you've shown but the manner in which you wrote it was disrespectful. You show great knowledge but anyone with common sense could see the problems within it. Ponies in the mystical lands of Equestria do not exactly need realism nor do any of the other characters within it. Or any other fiction for that matter. I'm simply explaining my point of view on your rant. Thank you if you read this. Your bro, xXCondemnedSoulXx.

2286507
It's not realism, but rather "suspension of disbelief" that is necessary for a story to function. We live in a real world of real existences, and thus we are familiar with "reality." In order to properly immerse a reader into a work of fiction, a certain amount of "reality" needs to be present within the fictional world for them to associate with. Otherwise, the reader is left confused.

Unfortunately, your message is pretty much summarized by the words "cop-out". Rather than enabling, as you likely intended, it is disabling. Bluntly put, you are not helping the author improve his story this way. You're acting counter to him improving his ability to immerse the reader into his fictional world.

I don't intend to be harsh with you, but you need to understand that there was a reason I wrote those things in the first place. I don't go to such lengths just to bully someone on the internet. I'm telling the author to work on improving the detail of his story by researching, by improving his own knowledge of the subject. How exactly is your post helping the author improve his story?

I respect that you took the time to write your lengthy speech and greatly appreciate the knowledge you've shown but the manner in which you wrote it was disrespectful.

bbsimg.ngfiles.com/1/23849000/ngbbs4f6eea4b7e81d.jpg
He's a wise man, that Stephen Fry.

2284782 This comment... tis' is beautiful... words cannot express the amount of ROFLMAO that happened...I'm shedding tears just at how amazing my day was, I got paid AND saw this comment... It was a good day...
<- Tears of Joy

2286392 This is the internet, the place where you get into arguments and have the resources to prove you're right with most knowledge known to man, but can't use them...