The story is going a bit too quike, but it is good. Maybe when her heat is done their relationship could develop more. Also, don't mind all of the assh*les saying that this story is not good. People like Sorren just get but hurt when human/pony romances make it into the feature list.
i have to agree with spetsnaz here you do get the occasional dick who thinks they are the good of writing but that doesnt mean it snt good have you seen how many likes this has plus you got featured! don't berate yourself just because of what 1 or 2 people say you have the majority following you so just ignore those who don't like it is there problem not yours!
P.S. another well writen chapter by the way i will be waiting for the next 1!
I don't think it sucks matter of fact it deserves to be on the front page while some that are on the front page should be left on the the side of the street.
There are only a couple of things that I am not fond of; the OOC nature of Twilight (however brief her mention), and the human being, well, him. I refuse to believe that a Sergeant Major would act in that manner. None of the Sergeants Major that I have met would speak or act that way. Plenty of Sergeants would though.
Wow that cow in heat did more damage to your head then you think if you think your writing is disappointing. I have seen a lot worse trust me. Can't wait to see Fancy Pants come home and find out he isn't the favorite anymore.
Men I really hoped people start treating him with more respect, and stop seeing him as an animal. Perhaps he can search a job as a royal guard or something, maybe Fleur bodyguard.
I really want to see how this story will develop and how did Fleur will get back at her husband for all the crap she had to endure all those years
Trigger my brother, You never disappoint. You have excellent stories and awesome characters that I, almost at a personal level, can relate to. like my story, it can get hate as well, Almost a lot of hate but whatever man. I have fun doing what I do, and fun is all that pretty much matters. I'm not saying ignore all the feedback but just some things into consideration. Most people on this site don't even have a story up and feel free to ridicule others, but fuck them, their assholes. Stay sexy as a walrus. Your bro, xXCondemnedSoulXx.
2288165 You are unfairly misconstruing us as being "haters" when most of us are in fact merely pointing out the notable flaws in the story, a process which is called "criticism" or "critique." Mind you, I'm not saying that all of us were engaging in proper criticism; a few (at least one) were blatantly haters posting flames.
What you should remember is that criticisms and critiques are intended to be useful to the author, while "flames" are completely useless to everyone. Here, I'll explain and demonstrate the differences between them:
A criticism might go something along the lines of "this aspect of your story is poorly conceived". A critique (also known as "systematic criticism" because it goes deeper into the issue than normal criticism", on the other hand, might instead say something like "this aspect of your story is poorly conceived because of the following reasons". A really good critique might say something like "this aspect of your story is poorly conceived because of the following reasons, and these are some suggestions as to how you can resolve the issue and improve your story".
Meanwhile, a flame would be more along the lines of "your story completely sucks! You're a terrible author and a worthless human being, you should just kill yourself." While this example is an obvious reductio ad absurdum(however, still entirely possible, as I've seen serious comments like the example above before), take note at how none of the preceding comment could assist the author in improving his story in any reasonably conceivable way. A flame exists only to express disapproval and ridicule the author.
Now, which of these three categories do you think my original comment honestly falls under?
2288220 That having been said: Trigger_Finger, please, I urge you to take the serious criticisms and critiques in the comments with appropriate seriousness. Treat them as a means through which you can improve your story, rather than becoming discouraged and denying them. The majority of them are ultimately meant to be helpful to you; but even the criticisms that were obviously not written from of a desire to help you improve can still offer useful advice. Importantly, don't be afraid to ask questions or seek help if you're still not very confident about something even after researching it. There are readers, like myself, who are skilled at seeking out answers and extracting useful data from research, and most importantly are willing and able to help you find the answers you're unable to find by yourself.
My suggestion at the moment (before having read chapters 7&8): maintain Dale's unease at the idea of forming a relationship with Fleur. Don't have him suddenly flip-flop, since despite having told Fleur he loved her it is more believable for that to have been the fault of her emotional distress evoking sympathy in him and not his actual feelings, meaning that he will deeply regret saying it. This not only creates internal and external conflict, but also extends the plot beyond "happy-sappy (wet & sloppy) romance".
...I'm off to read chapters 7 & 8 now. I hope that's the sort of path you went for with the plot. Fingers crossed!
2288335 It's a background subplot meant to explain how Dale got to where he currently is in the story. The main plot is still focused on Fleur and Dale.
2288206 I would say that it would fall under the category of a good critique, I apologize if you thought that it was directed towards you but I would be lying if i said that you weren't in mind, Truly, it was intended for others. Again as always, yours truly, xXCondemnedSoulXx.
Funny story for all you guys and gals out there.... well sort of funny... funny if... anyway, so I was having a shitty day: Cow kicked me in the head, another one kneed me in the eyeball, a 1600lb cow in heat lept onto my back and tried to rut me then slammed it's horn into my neck
You know, this chapter is very intresting to read after sex. I still have the feeling of arms around me and such and reading this chapter then after that all, its very intresting. Also the sex scene was pretty good and felt pretty realistic. Anyway if i would cut this comment short then it would be something like this: Don't stop doing what your doing, bacause what your doing is awesome.
Dude don't give a shit about what one or two fans said. Everyone else loves these stories. Tell them to get off their high horse and just read the story. If he doesn't like it well thats to bad Everyone else says to keep going.
So… we’re at the point of the clop scene. Well, you know my review of clop is the same as my review style has always been: rather crude and rough... Well, that's why I leave the romance to the written stories!
… “to them with I” – ‘with’ should be ‘which’. … “echoed of the walls” – ‘of’ should be ‘off’. … “messaged my shaft” – Damn it… ‘messaged’ should be ‘massaged’… another error I really don’t want to point out. Ugh… … “which acted supports” – ‘as’ should be placed between ‘acted’ and ‘supports’. … “a rather high sexual endurance” – ‘degree of’ should be placed between ‘high’ and ‘sexual’. … “least I hope so” – Given how this is past tense, ‘hope’ should be ‘hoped’. … “a goddess like tone” – Place a hyphen between ‘goddess’ and ‘like’.
If I had to justify why others may not like it, well, I can't really get into the sections involving weapons because I don't know weapons by their official names. Not even the Desert Eagle, which I consider to just be a "Bastard child of the Pistol and the Revolver", but again, I'm not even remotely gun-savvy. My knowledge of guns is limited to 'types': Pistol, Revolver, Shotgun, Sniper Rifle, etc. As a result, the moments where you get technical are the moments I start getting somewhat lost, especially bullet types.
Also, the emotions portrayed hardly have any time to develop, Six chapters ago we were questioning how Twilight or Applejack were out of character, and while Applejack got a bit explained (And I especially like Big Macintosh's stance on Dale's character), Twilight's message of Dale saving Equestria hasn't come back to light, or at least not yet. The physical depictions of certain things are rather lacking, from skin tone to ponies. The most descriptive things are the things you specialize in, but it's also got a very selective audience.
Disappointed viewers is understandable in that regard, but the biggest flaw, as said before, is the emotional development of characters. Three-quarters of a chapter for backstory was literally Dale's recollection of his life before and even in Equestria. I didn't want to do this, but Ron was given a much more interesting character because of how relatable he was. He was a bodybuilder, but he had a simpler schedule. True, he was accepted as opposed to Dale, but Dale's much more of a cynical individual towards the 'Elements' because of what they did to him. As a result, his anger should be at least a bit more prominent in the other chapters.
But here, as well as the more recent chapters, he's much more welcoming of events. Just because Fleur treated him different, should he change? If he were normal, yes, but given his cautious nature that was built up through his time served in the military, it's much harder to believe. There's a massive instance of 'suspension of disbelief', and I agree with the more critical reviews you've received.
The story, I like, but I admit it's not for everyone... well, onto the next chapter.
Throughout his war against the Mafia, Bolan used a variety of weapons. His primary long gun was the .460 Weatherby Mark V, which he obtained from Nicholas "Nick Trigger" Woods, a top Mafia hitman sent to kill him. For a sidearm, he used the silenced Beretta Brigadier, which he nicknamed "Belle", which he carried in a vertical shoulder rig. His most trademark weapon was "Big Thunder", a stainless steel .44 AutoMag he usually wore on his hip. The Brigadier and AutoMag have since been supplanted by the current favorites, the Beretta 93R and .44 Magnum Desert Eagle, though Bolan has demonstrated facility with any pistol or rifle he comes across.
Cow kicked me in the head, another one kneed me in the eyeball, a 1600lb cow in heat lept onto my back and tried to rut me then slammed it's horn into my neck
I dunno, that moved a lil fast, They've known each other for a few days and they love each other already? suspension of belief indeed is fishing line thin right now. It's an okay story, and I'll probably end up finishing it just to see what happens but... I won't be faving or upvoting it just because its just not that great. This could have easily been longer, hell you could have even had Dale give into that animal like lust he was feeling, and then have the fall out later or something or even a decent story of them coming to terms with the fact that they care for each other. Even have Fancy Pants (Who in a majority of stories I read is generally played as an incredibly nice fella) not even care that it happened or something.. I don't know. This could have been a whole lot more but it was all crammed into 11 chapters and kind of feels rushed.
Dude... screw whoever says your stories suck. I’ve been working on trying to write a human in equestria fic.... much like this but instead it’s a PMC. And he’s brought his gear over. Dude I started reading this and me being super into military gear and such I know every reference your making. I read the story you gave this guy, instantly I was like that’s it! This is now one of my favorite fics! Love it man. You do good with the passion moments to dude. You get a thumbs up and a follow from me bro!
Disappointed who put that shit in your head Your stories awesome you crazy red neck.
The story is going a bit too quike, but it is good. Maybe when her heat is done their relationship could develop more.
Also, don't mind all of the assh*les saying that this story is not good. People like Sorren just get but hurt when human/pony romances make it into the feature list.
i have to agree with spetsnaz here you do get the occasional dick who thinks they are the good of writing but that doesnt mean it snt good have you seen how many likes this has plus you got featured! don't berate yourself just because of what 1 or 2 people say you have the majority following you so just ignore those who don't like it is there problem not yours!
P.S. another well writen chapter by the way i will be waiting for the next 1!
Damn..... good chapter
Well, you've got about 4.5x as many likes as dislikes, so take that for what you will.
I don't think it sucks matter of fact it deserves to be on the front page while some that are on the front page should be left on the the side of the street.
Keep up the good work!!
2288093
I still want a Kimber Custom 1911, but don't want to pony up the $1,400 for one.
I'll build an EBR instead.
damnit! because of the chapter name i got a bad song stuck in my head
I definitely like the story!
There are only a couple of things that I am not fond of; the OOC nature of Twilight (however brief her mention), and the human being, well, him. I refuse to believe that a Sergeant Major would act in that manner. None of the Sergeants Major that I have met would speak or act that way. Plenty of Sergeants would though.
Wow that cow in heat did more damage to your head then you think if you think your writing is disappointing. I have seen a lot worse trust me. Can't wait to see Fancy Pants come home and find out he isn't the favorite anymore.
Men I really hoped people start treating him with more respect, and stop seeing him as an animal. Perhaps he can search a job as a royal guard or something, maybe Fleur bodyguard.
I really want to see how this story will develop and how did Fleur will get back at her husband for all the crap she had to endure all those years
Trigger my brother, You never disappoint. You have excellent stories and awesome characters that I, almost at a personal level, can relate to. like my story, it can get hate as well, Almost a lot of hate but whatever man. I have fun doing what I do, and fun is all that pretty much matters. I'm not saying ignore all the feedback but just some things into consideration. Most people on this site don't even have a story up and feel free to ridicule others, but fuck them, their assholes. Stay sexy as a walrus. Your bro, xXCondemnedSoulXx.
2288134
Except Sergeant Major Sixta in "Generation: Kill", but that was TV.
The story is good(if it weren't how did it up in featured then? ) and look at all these likes!
I encourage you to write more.
ps. cows are dangerous devilish creatures
2288099 2288186
Perhaps this might explain that?
Please take note that this is not necessarily a bad thing.
2288165
You are unfairly misconstruing us as being "haters" when most of us are in fact merely pointing out the notable flaws in the story, a process which is called "criticism" or "critique." Mind you, I'm not saying that all of us were engaging in proper criticism; a few (at least one) were blatantly haters posting flames.
What you should remember is that criticisms and critiques are intended to be useful to the author, while "flames" are completely useless to everyone. Here, I'll explain and demonstrate the differences between them:
A criticism might go something along the lines of "this aspect of your story is poorly conceived". A critique (also known as "systematic criticism" because it goes deeper into the issue than normal criticism", on the other hand, might instead say something like "this aspect of your story is poorly conceived because of the following reasons". A really good critique might say something like "this aspect of your story is poorly conceived because of the following reasons, and these are some suggestions as to how you can resolve the issue and improve your story".
Meanwhile, a flame would be more along the lines of "your story completely sucks! You're a terrible author and a worthless human being, you should just kill yourself." While this example is an obvious reductio ad absurdum (however, still entirely possible, as I've seen serious comments like the example above before), take note at how none of the preceding comment could assist the author in improving his story in any reasonably conceivable way. A flame exists only to express disapproval and ridicule the author.
Now, which of these three categories do you think my original comment honestly falls under?
2288220
That having been said: Trigger_Finger, please, I urge you to take the serious criticisms and critiques in the comments with appropriate seriousness. Treat them as a means through which you can improve your story, rather than becoming discouraged and denying them. The majority of them are ultimately meant to be helpful to you; but even the criticisms that were obviously not written from of a desire to help you improve can still offer useful advice. Importantly, don't be afraid to ask questions or seek help if you're still not very confident about something even after researching it. There are readers, like myself, who are skilled at seeking out answers and extracting useful data from research, and most importantly are willing and able to help you find the answers you're unable to find by yourself.
My suggestion at the moment (before having read chapters 7&8): maintain Dale's unease at the idea of forming a relationship with Fleur. Don't have him suddenly flip-flop, since despite having told Fleur he loved her it is more believable for that to have been the fault of her emotional distress evoking sympathy in him and not his actual feelings, meaning that he will deeply regret saying it. This not only creates internal and external conflict, but also extends the plot beyond "happy-sappy (wet & sloppy) romance".
...I'm off to read chapters 7 & 8 now. I hope that's the sort of path you went for with the plot. Fingers crossed!
2288167 And Sergeant Major Plumley,
"Any you some bitches calls me granddad... I'll kill yah"
2288220
My all time favorite scene is when Ray is making "MRE cookies". The dialogue between him and "Iceman" is hilarious.
2288335
It's a background subplot meant to explain how Dale got to where he currently is in the story. The main plot is still focused on Fleur and Dale.
2288206 I would say that it would fall under the category of a good critique, I apologize if you thought that it was directed towards you but I would be lying if i said that you weren't in mind, Truly, it was intended for others. Again as always, yours truly, xXCondemnedSoulXx.
You kiddin me, bro? This is awesome! You have real talent, writing like you do. Keep up the good work, and don't let haters bring you down.
Chillax bro, you're adequate.
i like this story.... perhaps i have bad taste
Guess you can say that cow was...
backhandofjustice.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/short2.jpg
images.sodahead.com/polls/002443001/5330646328_2008_06_25_131330_puts_on_sunglasses_answer_4_xlarge.png
Horny
media.comicvine.com/uploads/5/58875/2740760-1735968_csi_miami_yeah_super.jpg
You know, this chapter is very intresting to read after sex.
I still have the feeling of arms around me and such and reading this chapter then after that all, its very intresting.
Also the sex scene was pretty good and felt pretty realistic.
Anyway if i would cut this comment short then it would be something like this: Don't stop doing what your doing, bacause what your doing is awesome.
Dude don't give a shit about what one or two fans said. Everyone else loves these stories. Tell them to get off their high horse and just read the story. If he doesn't like it well thats to bad Everyone else says to keep going.
I liked it was bound to happen and i enjoyed this
So. . . AWESOME!!!!
I spent 30 minutes of potential sleep to read this. To say I DIDN'T like tis a lie, and a cake.
aaaaaa i liked it and my like is like 100000000000 likes put together so it only maters if i like it k
This chapter was neat, least to say. You got some words within teh area of erotica. Kepp that up
i'dsay you are doing wonderful this is definenity some great stuff i'd say
indubitably
*giggles* ... Oh piss off! I can't believe you got a giggle out of me during the foreplay of a clop scene.
So… we’re at the point of the clop scene. Well, you know my review of clop is the same as my review style has always been: rather crude and rough... Well, that's why I leave the romance to the written stories!
… “to them with I” – ‘with’ should be ‘which’.
… “echoed of the walls” – ‘of’ should be ‘off’.
… “messaged my shaft” – Damn it… ‘messaged’ should be ‘massaged’… another error I really don’t want to point out. Ugh…
… “which acted supports” – ‘as’ should be placed between ‘acted’ and ‘supports’.
… “a rather high sexual endurance” – ‘degree of’ should be placed between ‘high’ and ‘sexual’.
… “least I hope so” – Given how this is past tense, ‘hope’ should be ‘hoped’.
… “a goddess like tone” – Place a hyphen between ‘goddess’ and ‘like’.
If I had to justify why others may not like it, well, I can't really get into the sections involving weapons because I don't know weapons by their official names. Not even the Desert Eagle, which I consider to just be a "Bastard child of the Pistol and the Revolver", but again, I'm not even remotely gun-savvy. My knowledge of guns is limited to 'types': Pistol, Revolver, Shotgun, Sniper Rifle, etc. As a result, the moments where you get technical are the moments I start getting somewhat lost, especially bullet types.
Also, the emotions portrayed hardly have any time to develop, Six chapters ago we were questioning how Twilight or Applejack were out of character, and while Applejack got a bit explained (And I especially like Big Macintosh's stance on Dale's character), Twilight's message of Dale saving Equestria hasn't come back to light, or at least not yet. The physical depictions of certain things are rather lacking, from skin tone to ponies. The most descriptive things are the things you specialize in, but it's also got a very selective audience.
Disappointed viewers is understandable in that regard, but the biggest flaw, as said before, is the emotional development of characters. Three-quarters of a chapter for backstory was literally Dale's recollection of his life before and even in Equestria. I didn't want to do this, but Ron was given a much more interesting character because of how relatable he was. He was a bodybuilder, but he had a simpler schedule. True, he was accepted as opposed to Dale, but Dale's much more of a cynical individual towards the 'Elements' because of what they did to him. As a result, his anger should be at least a bit more prominent in the other chapters.
But here, as well as the more recent chapters, he's much more welcoming of events. Just because Fleur treated him different, should he change? If he were normal, yes, but given his cautious nature that was built up through his time served in the military, it's much harder to believe. There's a massive instance of 'suspension of disbelief', and I agree with the more critical reviews you've received.
The story, I like, but I admit it's not for everyone... well, onto the next chapter.
Didn't Bolan use a AutoMag
er oops http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mack_Bolan
seriously? ouch....
I worked on my grandfather cattle farm and I know that Getting kicked in the head by a cow hurts a lot
I dunno, that moved a lil fast, They've known each other for a few days and they love each other already? suspension of belief indeed is fishing line thin right now. It's an okay story, and I'll probably end up finishing it just to see what happens but... I won't be faving or upvoting it just because its just not that great. This could have easily been longer, hell you could have even had Dale give into that animal like lust he was feeling, and then have the fall out later or something or even a decent story of them coming to terms with the fact that they care for each other. Even have Fancy Pants (Who in a majority of stories I read is generally played as an incredibly nice fella) not even care that it happened or something.. I don't know. This could have been a whole lot more but it was all crammed into 11 chapters and kind of feels rushed.
Dude... screw whoever says your stories suck. I’ve been working on trying to write a human in equestria fic.... much like this but instead it’s a PMC. And he’s brought his gear over. Dude I started reading this and me being super into military gear and such I know every reference your making. I read the story you gave this guy, instantly I was like that’s it! This is now one of my favorite fics! Love it man. You do good with the passion moments to dude. You get a thumbs up and a follow from me bro!
This has been pretty good