[Currently undergoing redevelopment] After everything she has worked for is torn from her hooves, one mare strives to find something to fill the hole her dreams left behind. Little does she know that one poor decision will lead her down a dark path from which she can never return, as the new Mare Do Well. Contrary to her belief, the life of a hero in the real world is nothing short of horrifying, especially when an eccentric special agent with an affinity for pony psychology is hot on her tail. As she falls into virtual madness, one farmpony might be able to keep her sane, or perhaps the exact opposite.
Proofread and edited by RTStephens and Feather Scratch
Chapters (5)
Well, that description is cheery as all getout.
Oh boy. It begins!
This will be the first story I've read from you, and I've heard great things from your western series (which I will get to... someday).
The hook was good with the beginning and the creepy stalking going on. Nice contrast with the cheery second part which leads me to believe that things will be going bad. Very bad.
Looking forward to it!
DiveBomb with a new story? Totally reading!
Edit: This story just got released and I already want to see the next chapter
i.imgur.com/HDeeRzb.jpg
O_O The Mysterious Mare do Well is looking for TRIXIE?!
DiveBomb, you have dazzled me yet again with your storytelling skill. I eagerly jump towards the next chapter!
Loving the new story so far DiveBomb. Keep up the amazing work.
YES! EVERYTHING I WANTED!
And again DiveBomb started an awesome adventure!
)
Let's see where this is getting to.
(I hope that Applejack tag means that she will appear more often then just once every two chapters, cause she is epic you know
i.imgur.com/e7AIOqM.gif
Image unrelated, but I think you'll get a kick out of it anyway.
...Also, cool story bro.
Wait...
Yesss
Ooh. OOOoooOOOoh. I'm liking this. I'm liking this a lot!
Either a period or a comma depending on how you want this to sound. A semicolon's halfway between the two and here that isn't doing you any favors.
I'd recommend a " , and" as opposed to the " ; to"
"weathered"?
DiveBomb... Hey, DiveBomb. This is awesome. Like... really. I'm loving this so far. Dude, if you keep this up, you'll have a top-notch story on your hands.
By now, you probably know my commenting style, so you know how much this actually means.
MORE!!!!
Comma, not semicolon.
2207097 Oh yeah, that guy's one of the most talented Cowboy-Action Shooters in America (I'm pretty darned sure it's the same guy). He was on Top Shot.
2210222 Well, I wouldn't say that, but I'm glad you like it!
2210804
Well, I would and I've read a bunch!
*Checks XL spreadsheet for current wordcount.*
With 9,940,182 other pony words to compare it with, I hope that I can establish some sort of benchmark for really good stories.
Aw man, what did she do THIS time?
Let me guess. New Mare-Do-Well is Lightning Dust.
Amirite?
2214720
Summary outright states that Dash becomes the new MDW.
I tell you what, I'm actually really liking this so far, feeling the majicks. I got kind of tired of CotW, felt like it dragged on where TitW still managed to be novel for me. This being said, I do like your writing style overall, so this one gets favourited to stalk.
The chapter title is... ominous...
Cool setup. Rainbow Dash at her best and worst here when dealing with the competition. Let's see just how this all unfolds.
Applejack the worry-wort. I get the feeling she's going to be the only thing keeping Rainbow from doing something she'll really regret.
See ya, next time!
Wow, you can really feel the importance of the moment, and the impact it's having on Rainbow Dash, and even Applejack. I can just feel the ominous vibes from what is to come
great work as always, you have a real talent for writing. I can't wait for more on this story, and your other works
Am I sensing some AppleDash?
Which episodes does Airheart appear in?
Haha, I just caught what her name is. Earhardt.
There's no way this can end well. I mean, I remember the first chapter, and...hoo boy. Next chapter should be really good.
Let me congratulate you on something, namely your characterization of Rainbow Dash. It is spot-on. I had to take a second and admire how well you wrote her. Kudos to you.
Also, the tension you're building is so... so... tense.
Applejack is best EDI.
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"twain" Twine is string.
Semicolon should be a comma.
I'd recommend cutting the "and". Right now, with the comma, it's not correct. Removing the comma would look sort of weird, and adding "one could" would too. It seems that removing the "and" is the simplest way to go.
"hind hoof" However, "forehoof" is one word. Yay, English.
Semicolon should be a comma.
Comma.
Eagerly awaiting the next update.
Wow, that was awesome, you can really feel how good Dash really is, but it leaves a bad feeling in my stomach for what will happen soon
I also liked the double rainboom and triple rainboom science talk, though I think if this were realistic, there is no way in hell that a living creature could break the speed of sound, turn its body 180 degrees and accelerate to breaking the speed of sound again within half a second without blacking out and suffering organ failure, if it wasn't torn apart that is. None the less, this is not real life, and I am very much anticipating how this will play out
great work
Technobable Twilight strikes again!
Nice way to describe Rainbow here and how she's working towards her goal while still remaining true to herself. Though that injury may come back to haunt her...
I see we're still in the "origin story" phase, but the buildup has been pretty solid. The payoff is going to be sweet when the hay really hits the tornado.
Till next time!
There are very few people that have such a hold on Dash's personality; you should feel proud of it.
I think that it's funny how long Twilight's minimized rant was. It sort of reminded me of... me.
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No comma.
No comma.
Should be a comma.
No comma.
No comma.
Comma. Also, you need another return.
No comma.
Comma.
Double space.
Either remove this comma or add one after "trained" to make "yet trained" an aside.
Comma.
Comma.
Comma and "hind legs"
Comma and "hind legs"
And here comes the turning point.
Still lovin' Dash's conviction to press herself above and beyond her limits. Even if it means breaking every rule of physics to do it. The ponies watching have probably lost half their hearing by now.
Even though we're still in the tryouts, I really like the slow build that's been made. Rainbow Dash really comes to life here and sets up nicely all the things that make her who she is and what she will later become.
Looking forward to how this all turns out!
So she's in the middle of two waves of pressure and light? As in, right where the two waves will meet? That's not great.
Holy Crap!! I get the distinct impression that what she is attempting could probably kill someone if they are too close. Man I hope this doesn't hurt anyone too badly.
Great work!!!!
Holy Crap!! I get the distinct impression that what she is attempting could probably kill someone if they are too close. Man I hope this doesn't hurt anyone too badly.
Great work!!!!
So now the excrement meets the oscillating cooling device. Ohhhh nooo...
Oooh, intriguing. I just spent the last half hour searching for a promising adventurey fic that I haven't already read (something that was surprisingly difficult. I think I read too much pony
) and this caught my eye. Glad I decided to check it out, as the premise seems really interesting, and your setup has me hook, line and sinker. I checked if this was in any groups to maybe figure out who the whole romance thing was going to be between, but so far no hints.
So yeah, rambling aside, great start!
Ah, poop. What's going to happen? Something bad, I know it. I keep waiting for something to mess up her tryout. Something's going to, isn't it? Freak Butterfly migration right before she gets there? Trixie interrupts her routine with fireworks, causing Dash to plummet to the ground and break both her wings? She got the wrong day? Gah, the uncertainty!
In other news, I really liked how you went into Dash's training routine a bit - its nice to see her mindset and dedication laid out as opposed to "Dash trained hard. She was ready for the Wonderbolts!" It also conjured up a relatable amped-ness, like the anxious/excited feeling you get before a big race starts. Also, hints of Appledash, perhaps? Yes? No? Maybe? Why am I still pestering you when I could just read the next chapter? I dunno - onward!
You're killing me here, author. So. Much. Tension. And I'm already resigned to the fact that Dash is gonna screw up somehow (or something less than fortuitous is gonna mess up her routine) yet you keep me hoping that maybe it'll all work out. Which it won't, because the synopsis for this thing isn't: "Rainbow Dash has a wonderful time becoming a Wonderbolt and flying around doing awesome stunts, while making out with Applejack after shows." (But if it were to turn into that, I totally wouldn't complain
)
Alright, lets do this thing, then...onward!
Oh, one more thing. I think you meant "twain" as twine is like rope or string or something.
Stop fueling my hopeless optimism, darn it! Your control over suspense is enviable, I'm telling you. I'm guessing Dash is going to make a few small errors (perhaps due to her injured knees) and feel that she needs to overcompensate for them during her freestyle performance. Cue catastrophic failure of the heretofore unnamed triple rainboom maneuver and her introduction to the path of heroic/not-so-heroic angst.
I think I'll need to read a happy Rainbow-becomes-a-Wonderbolt story after I get through this.
Well, still hooked - off to the next one!
Ah, poop. I was holding off on reading this chapter until another one was out, because I just knew it was going to end in a cliffhanger...and I caved. I'm so weak!
But seriously, awesome job. I'm on the edge of my seat while reading this thing, and that's a compliment because its not all that comfortable. Who's she going to maim? Applejack? A Wonderbolt? Her fellow competitors? The whole Cloudiseum? Will her caped crusading be some attempt at redemption? Or is she going to injure herself? Gah, so many questions. Welp, until the next chapter, I guess. Which is soon, right?
Right?
2754342
No, no, I don't think she's going to harm anypony... I think she's just about to take the fabric of reality and make it her surprised and unintentional bitch.
Fucking with physics like a bau5.