Headline: A pegasus who wants to live a regular life, only gets himself into something that he should not have joined up with. This group, the Assassins, have had a mystery locked up with them that Headline finds out about. He also tries his best to live an ordinary life as he falls in love with another pegasus, Fluttershy. He has mixed feelings about how to keep his new friends safe while dealing with a dangerous group. What will Headline do to make sure that Equestria does not fall into the hands of the Assassins?
Chapters (28)
I'm only on chapter 7, and I'll probably stop here for the night until tomorrow after school. But I thought you would like to have a little feedback on this story.
First off, I like the way you chose to set up the story, and organize the main events for the story. I haven't quite gotten to the bigger events yet, but I think your writing is well-done. But then, I would also like to point out that there were quite a few errors. Not too many, but just enough so every now and then I had to go back and re-read the sentence to try figuring out what you were trying to say. Most of them were just spelling or grammatical errors, and I think that you might just have to look back after you finish a chapter and see if it makes sense. Or, you could ask a friend to proofread it for you, because a fresh pair of eyes might find some mistakes that you couldn't.
You don't really have to make these changes for this story if you don't think it's necessary, just giving you helpful tips for the future.
Otherwise, you seem to be heading somewhere with this story, and I can't wait to read further on.
2180677>I thank you for your helpful tips and I will do my best to change them when I have time. Know first, this is the first time I have ever written a story and my grammar, usually, has not always been the brightest in my life. I figured someone would soon tell me of these things and I thank you for telling me truthfully.
Now a flaw I see in your storytelling:
In this chapter, at the end when File got killed, there was an "emotional glitch." I completely made that name up, but basically what you did wrong here, is the fact that Headline was feeling sad about the loss of his brother, but he only a short while later seemed perfectly fine. During this time, he spoke with his father, who seemed mostly emotionally composed. After his father told him their back story, then they decided to grieve. As this makes most sense in where they got the important parts to the story out of the way first, it's not very realistic. If they had truly been grieving, they would have done so first, and then after composing themselves, the father would tell Headline the story. There just seems to be not very much emotion put into your writing, although I can see you're trying.
Don't worry, though. I'm only halfway through, and intend to finish this story. Not to mention this is your first story. So I promise I'll hold my rating until I finish.
Okay, I was wrong about the absence of emotion. I can see you trying harder in this chapter, but I still feel as though there wasn't a strong enough transition from the last one, whereas the previous one, just flatly said they were grieving, instead of actually showing me the emotion. This is what the end of the last chapter was missing, but you certainly made up for it in this one.
In all honesty, I feel as though this was a fairly successfully written first story. You were very good with making your plot line, although there were quite a few shaky parts in the first half. During the second half, however, I think you got more confident in your writing, as the story seemed to flow more freely. I also saw less grammar and spelling errors near the end, though there were still a few.
I must say that I'm a pretty big fan of Assassin's Creed, as I'm assuming that this is what these assassins were based off of. When I started reading, that was mostly what I was expecting, though I couldn't have guessed the series of events you put into play as the story progressed. I especially didn't see that ending coming at all.
So in the long run, I can see that with enough practice and a little help, you may be able to be a great writer. Also, just out of curiosity, does this mean that your personal favorite character in the show is Fluttershy, or did you just pick her because you though she best fit that role in the story?
2185075 Well, first off, let me thank you for reading my story and informing me of my errors. I'm very grateful. To answer your question, yes, Fluttershy is personally my favorite pony. I like her a lot because of her cuteness and how shy she is. Lastly, I thank you very much for all your compliments and information you gave me. I'm hoping pretty soon to have a family member of mine re-look my story over to help me fix the grammar and spelling. I will let you know when it is revised.