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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Only recommendation: Show emotion
Yea, I know. I read through it and noticed, I'll show emotion in chapter 3
awsome so far...keep up the good work.
KEEP WRITING THIS!!!!!! even though your grammar isnt the best, im loving it. and that takes a lot for me, specially in the face of imperfect grammar. please keep writing!!
I'll keep writing and sorry about the grammar. I'll fix it later.
Remove poots
oh ho-ho, oh ho-ho-HO! Twilight's in love! Twilight's in love!
Lol i like the comment "like wearing a backpack but on your ass"
Your pritty gutsy, claming one of the main six has a crush on you. Gotta respect that in a...? Colt? Yehh that'll fit.
Also asside from emotion (or lack there of) you also seem to be lacking movement, I would conseder being a little bit more elaborate with you're discriptions
Example: twilight ushered me upstairs gesturing with one of her hoves to go before her. I walked up the steps because my unfamularty with flying may leed to an unforunate indoor accadent, last thing I would want to do is break anything of hers, or worse hurt my graceous host who has been nothing bit kind to me. When we reached the top twilight called out my name "Grio." There was a soft almost shakey quality to her voice, the hallway was wide enough, so I did a complete 180 and our heads met with an audible clunk...
I wrote a lot and I'm nnot even on a computer, so I'm stopping here; but you get my point I hope. Good day and good n' luck
41905 U know you can edit chapters, and re-publish them, right?
It would definitely help in getting newer fans for your stories.
I walked down stairs and put the books in the saddlebag she gave me and put it on. It felt like wearing a backpack, but on your ass. <-- LOL
javascript:smilie('');javascript:smilie('');
excuse that last comment I was just fucking around and accidentally hit post
The story is amazing but you need to check on your grammar.
I would have given this a 5 but im just gonna give this a 4.9 since the grammar needs checking. Sorry
"Spike, you are you talking to." A purple mare came down the stairs and looked at the door where I and Spike stood. She did a double take like Spike did, "Wow, you are you?"
you are you.
O.o would love the unicorn story of this one or for al that matter do a allicorn making your self a target to the royal guards to capture you and getting a meeting with celestia and luna to ask how you became a allicorn only one problem... normaly ponys dont talk... you know what i yust got my self a story ^///^ yust need to sort it out
Grammar sucks but I like the story so far
hmm I think that Dash should fall for him not Twilight
backpack on your ass
..
.
ROTFLYFAO
awsome story, your charecter sounds a bit funny lookin yet cool at the same time, and Twilight falling for Giro is awsome as well, all and all i love this , im so gonna read the rest as soon as possible
Took a quick break from my usual reading to go back and read this.
Why? Well because... I don't know, my randomness surprised even me sometimes
-Glassed
I love this story!
AND I JUST STARTED!
You might wanna watch the grammar.
237265 And by that I mean:
Your and You're
I'm liking this so far....hmmmm.....
few grammer error's, heres a hint: type it in Word, then edit it, then copy it
Error: He looked me over, "Well unless you're a zebra then no, you do not look like any pony I know."
Error: He looked like he was getting annoyed, "You have stripes like a zebra all over your body, but you're a Pegasus."
Error: Stripes? That's odd, why would I have stripes. "Well..." - You need a 3rd dot
Error: which will be boring for all of us but her." - Switched from present to past tense
Error: I weighed my options; stay and try to become friends with her, or make it easy and run.
Error: "Spike, who are you talking to?" A purple mare came down the stairs and looked at the door where Spike and I stood. She did a double take like Spike did, "Wow, who are you?"
Error: which was the town's library - Possessive, not plural.
Error: I'm too good at lying on the spot, good thing too.
Error: I asked trying to change the subject.
Error: but it was actually easy to do; it felt normal.
Error: "Okay, Girokon."
Error: "Sorry, Giro.
Error: She shook her head as if she were in thought, - Still wrong, I would say: She shook her head as if she were deep in thought,
Error: "Thanks, Twilight."
Error: I looked around at all the books on the shelf's, I liked this place. - Switched from past to present tense
Error: I looked at her, could she read my mine or something, - Switched tenses again
Error: She jumped off the couch and went to one of the shelves,
Error: She looked over joyed, "I have all of those and many, many more." - Comma needed
Error: The Book of Equestrian Science, Flying and You, History and Uses of Magic, A Complete History of Equestria. - Names, titles need to be capitalized, only conjunctions remain uncapitalized
Error: She looked around, "Well, um." - Grammatically correct, but you can leave it if you want to stress the 'm'
Error: She looked at me and smiled, "I'm okay, just uh... a little tired."
Confusion: I shook my head understanding, - Wouldn't he be nodding his head if he understood?
Confusion: "I see. You should rest more at night, because let me guess, you stay up all night reading?" - If he's guessing, shouldn't it be a question?
Error: Rainbow dash looked at me, "Hey, you're the Pegasus who was impressed by me."
Error: "Oh, they're just to keep the wind out of my eyes when I fly."
Error: Twilight looked at me, "Your eyes, they're..." She levitated a mirror to my face.
Suggestion: Asked Rainbow Dash, still looking at my eyes with a gleam in hers. - You're already talking about eyes, repeating it makes it sound redundant.
Error: Come on Lance, think. "My eyes? - Remove apostrophe
Error: I like them, had them too long to part with them."
Error: But yours look different from those - Remove apostrophe
Error: Big Mac musta already bucked half the trees by now. - Titles and names need to be capitalized.
Error: Does anypony know a place for him? - Question.
Suggestion: I have had experience with farms before thanks to my grandfather, who owned one. - Since the subject is already farms, repeating the word seems redundant.
Error: "We'll talk more at the party, Giro."
Error: "Would you like to see your room, Giro?"
Error: I'm still surprised at how easy it is to use my hooves to do things.
Error: "So, what do you think?"
Error: I put the saddlebag on the desk and pulled out one of the books, Flying and You.
He looked me over, "Well unless your a zebra then no, you do not look like any pony I know
You have stripes like a zebra all over your body, but your a Pegasus."
I marked your mistakes with a
They should be you're
Unlike the others, I won't correct this fic because I don't want to lag my bad computer...
But seriously, check the other ponies' grammar corrections...
You called Twilight "Mr. Sparkle" in the scene with the saddlebag.
Still a great story though.
793461
Oops, forgot the 's'.
thanks for doing the rewrite, its much easier to understand. keep up the good work!
Why are there so many fricken comments on this story? lol
793924
The story is actually 145 chapters long with about 315k words. It's just undergoing a rewrite right now.
794004 oh, alright, look forward to reading it
794090
Well, if you want to read the unedited version, then heres a link. But trust me, its grammar is horrible in the beginning.
Living the Dream: Un edited version
794263 ha ha thanks, I might take a look at that. I'm still going to read your rewrite though
Dat comment page bar.
800876
If Kickass wants to avoid all of the negative attention he's been getting, a re-write is the more viable option.
You should realize that this fic has been going downhill since the beginning: A rushed romance, a time skip that introduced tons of OCs appearing at once with nearly no explanation, the pregnancy scenario, and tons of others...
Adding in more updates to something that's extremely flawed can only make things worse. I commend Kickass having the time and patience of actually suggesting to re-write the entire thing, and I wish him the best.
I think Kickass should cut out all the OC that have no romance with the mane six/ princesses (WHY?! DONT KICK OUT GREG! THAT MEANS NO BREAK OR DAWN! BREAK IS AWESOMENESS!)
786347 Ummmm.....
You are aware that if you kick out Greg that means no break OR dawn?
Know what's sad? Second time i read this...strips. Still. Strips. It bugs the hell out of me. However i am happy to get to read this all again. I was trying to catch up last time, and don't think i really absorbed it. Hopefully some story elements will make more sense
Whoooooooooooo!
I love your writing, but the first version was way too um.... unpolished(?) for me to take seriously. Now that you are rewriting it, I am (1)20% more likely to read it.
810992
Read his fic on Fanfiction.net. All 140 Chapters are still over there.
61383 That good sir, was the most horribly spelled paragraph ever, every 5 words were spelled wrong
Okay, if you're doing a re-write, at least correct mistakes. It doesn't even seem like you went through the chapter and tried to find them.
Y u no update with chapter 3? I've read the story before it went edited, I read it from when it's was only 32 chapters long. I'M A VETERAN CELESTIA DAMNIT. Y u no update further chapters?
NUUU is there anyway to get the old version as I missed so many chapters?
well at least i can actually favourite this so i dont have a GAZILLION new chapters
Heres a stupid question can you make a new fanfic with my oc in it. (i said it was a stupid question)
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