Prologue
Everfree Abbey
Prologue
The mud squelched beneath the hooves of a white alicorn mare as she ran. Thick, gnarled trees twined their branches above the muddy path, darkening the night sky though the rain had no issues weaving through. The mare’s waterlogged mane flopped into her eyes, making it hard to see. She shook her head and glanced behind her, hoping to glimpse her pursuer. She saw her flying above the path, Nightmare Moon. Her body black against the heavy gray clouds, her light blue armor glinting in the light gathering around her horn. With a tremendous crack, a bolt of lightning shot from its tip. To the alicorn’s surprise, it hit the ground instead of her. More bolts showered from above, each a little closer, and she had to dance and dodge to avoid them now.
“Yes, run big sister, run!” Nightmare Moon loosed another barrage of lightning, accompanying it with her mocking laughter.
“Sister—please—stop this,” she panted.
“Why? Aren't you having fun, ‘Tia?” Celestia began unfurling her wings, “oh, we can’t have that.” Another chuckle, another bolt; this one connected with Celestia’s flank. She fell heavily onto her wing, and felt it crunch beneath her. She pushed herself up off the slippery ground with all the grace of a newborn foal. Another near-miss singed the ground beside her, but Celestia could not dance anymore. She looked plaintively at Nightmare Moon.
The dark alicorn’s eyes flashed pitilessly as she unleashed her killing blow. Everything seemed to slow down. Celestia could see the bolt traveling towards her. Gathering the last of her strength, she summoned her own magic. The light of the sun streamed from her horn, parrying her sister’s strike into the ground. The air, however, could not stand the heat, and burst with a crack louder than Nightmare Moon’s thunderclaps. The explosion sent Celestia flying, again landing awkwardly and rolling down a steep embankment, flailing aimlessly as she tumbled through the undergrowth.
She finally came to rest at a large wooden door. The edges of her world had eaten away her vision, but she could feel Nightmare Moon alight next to her and could almost feel it when she poked Celestia with her hoof. Celestia was too weak to budge or make a sound, Nightmare Moon laughed. “Farewell forever, my beloved sister.” She took a knee in mock respect, then flapped gracefully away, a wicked grin on her face.
====SSS====
Abbot Sparrow rose from his bed, woken by a loud thud from the direction of the Abbey gate. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, feeling the wrinkled skin sag at his touch, before grabbing his cloak from a hook by the bedroom door and heading out into the downpour. He crossed the courtyard to the gates quickly. As he pulled them open he could hear the steady wing beats of a pegasus; he looked to the sky, but couldn’t see anypony through the rain.
“Hello? Is anypony out there?” The Abbot took a few steps outside the gate, catching his hoof on a soft unknown mass. Looking down, he beheld the unconscious and muddy form of an alicorn. He bent down and put an ear to her mouth; her breath came in rapid, shallow gasps. He ducked back through the gates and tugged on a thick, oily rope that hung there. The brass alarm rang through the Abbey, quickly bringing five more cloaked ponies to join him.
“Brothers, and Sisters,” he said, briefing his helpers, “we have an injured pony at our gates. Brother Leaf Wind, you and Sister Morning Dew prepare a bed for our guest in the infirmary and wake Tender Heart.” Leaf Wind nodded, and the two hooded figures bowed briefly before trotting back to the Abbey proper, whispering to each other.
“I will need your help taking her there,” he said to the other monks. He chose two to carry the alicorn, and the last one to help him lift her onto their backs. When she was secure, they quickly brought her inside. Her bed was waiting in the infirmary.
As they laid her down a few of the monks whispered, “Who is she?”
“Who does not matter, but what she is, is hurt. And she needs our help,” said Sparrow patiently, as though he were lecturing a foal. “Now where is Tender Heart?”
“Hold your horses Abbot, I’m coming.” A white unicorn mare entered the infirmary from a door on the far side.
She looked critically at the burn mark at the tip of her patient’s horn and the bruises all over her body. “Ginger Root,” she called, and a light blue unicorn filly poked her head into the room, “bring me out two leaves of nightshadow, three fronds of red fern, and a jar of my special ointment.” The filly nodded and her head disappeared back into the far room.
“How long has she been like this?” she asked, continuing to examine the wounded alicorn.
“I’m not sure, we found her by the Abbey gates but a few minutes ago,” said Sparrow.
“She has several broken ribs, and both her wings have multiple fractures, but those will heal in time. It’s her horn I’m worried about. It looks like it’s suffered a magical overload.” Tender Heart closed her eyes, probing the alicorn with her magic. Tender Heart could feel that the alicorn’s aura, and the pain that it held. A moment later, Ginger Root returned with the leaves and ointment, and Tender Heart set to work. She wrapped the nightshadow leaves around her patient’s horn, applying a small amount of the salve to hold the leaves in place. Then she placed the delicate red fern fronds on the alicorn’s tongue, dripped water into her mouth, and massaged her throat until she swallowed. She then began to apply the ointment to the mare’s bruises. Finally, she splinted the mare’s wings and braced her chest.
“All we can do is wait,” she stated. “The healing cream will soothe her bruises and help them heal, while the leaves with draw out the excess magic and calm her aura.” The alicorn’s chest began to rise and fall more slowly, her breaths deepening.
Tender Heart took Abbot Sparrow by the shoulder, her white hoof pushing back the sodden cloak to reveal his mud-brown coat, and led him to the far end of the infirmary. “Now tell me what’s going on,” she said, insistent. “I thought the alicorns had died out.”
“I’m as puzzled as you are.” He sat down at a nearby table and rested his chin on his hoof. “Since we are so deep in the forest we get very few travelers. Do you remember Tie Walker, the earth pony who passed away last spring? He didn’t want me to upset anyone with this information, but he sought refuge with us from a brutal civil war. We’ve had no news or visitors since his passing. For all we know our guest could be the last alicorn in existence.”
“Sparrow, I really must question our isolationist policy,” said Tender Heart, as she took a seat opposite the Abbot.
“I'm inclined to agree with you. The world is changing and we cannot stay hidden forever.”
“Then why haven't you done anything yet?” Tender Heart seethed, pounding the table with her hoof.
“Tender Heart, please our guest is still sleeping.”
Tender Heart muttered something that might have been an apology.
“That's better. Now, I cannot change the rules set down by our founders without the Council’s approval,” he said sympathetically, laying his brown hoof over her white one. “You will be pleased to hear that I will be holding an emergency meeting with the other elders in light of our guest’s appearance. I will need you to watch her while we talk. Can you manage as much?”
Tender Heart nodded.
====SSS====
Father Sparrow sat at the head of a small semicircular table made of mahogany. Hanging from the ceiling was an ornate chandelier, its light casting shadows amongst the pillars at the outer edge of the room. Sparrow could feel the cold stone floor beneath his hooves. The air around seemed to tingle with an ancient energy. Sitting to his left and right were Brother Leaf Wind and Sister Morning Dew, sitting on opposites sides were two pegasi and two earth ponies.
“Council members I’ve called you here to relay some alarming news; an alicorn was found severely injured at our door tonight.” The council members whispered to one another until a single voice spoke out.
“This is preposterous!“The alicorns are nothing more than a myth, superstition. You can’t expect us to believe something this outlandish solely on your word.”
Sparrow gave a heavy sigh, “I thought you would say that Brother Green Blade, That is why I have asked Leaf Wind and Morning Dew here. They will confirm my story and if that’s not enough, you can visit the infirmary.”
Leaf wind stood up from his chair, “It is true what the Abbot said, an alicorn has come to our Abbey.”
“Then what are we to do? If the outside world has found us, they will come searching for the Spirits and defile this place!” shouted Green Blade,
“We don’t know that, now everypony please calm down. This may have been the pony we’ve been expecting.”
A fresh wave of whispers made it’s way around the room. “Please everyone calm down,” said Sparrow standing to his full height, the volume receded till you could hear a pin drop. “Thank you, now when Star Swirl the Bearded first established our order, he received visions from the Spirits of Harmony and he chronicled these dreams in what we call the Harmony Scroll.”
With a wave of his hoof, the doors to the chamber opened, stepping into the chamber was Far Seer, the Abbey’s record keeper and keeper of the Harmony Scroll. The aging unicorn stepped into the light of the chamber revealing a faded red coat and now white mane.
“Now I would like to bring to your attention to one dream in particular. Far Seer would you please read the passage.” The unicorn bowed his head and unraveled the scroll. In a gruff and shallow tone he spoke:
“And so before me I saw a great darkness sweeping over the land. The darkness consumed all killing what it could not control. Yet out of this darkness a shining beacon a rose and fought back the darkness. Yet the light was not strong, it faltered and failed until darkness consumed all save a dying ember of light. From this small ember a figure did appear a great beast forged in unity, it rekindled the light and drove back the darkness.”
Far Seer quickly re-wrapped the scroll and left the room.
“I believe that the rekindler that the scroll talks about is the pony we have in our infirmary.”
“What makes you so sure Father S-.”
“With all due respect, Brother Green Blade, but have you not looked outside recently. The sun has not risen for the past few days, the darkness that the scroll describes is upon us!” Leaf Wind interrupted.
The green Pegasus pony recoiled at being spoken to in such a disrespectful tone, “Why you...” Green Blade seethed
“Please calm down. Leaf Wind, please, sit down,” the brown stallion placed a hoof on Leaf Winds shoulder pressing him back into the chair.
“Sorry Father,” said Leaf Wind.
Father sparrow returned his attention to the council, “As Leaf Wind mentioned the sun has not risen in some time, this correlates with the first part of Starswirl’s dream.”
Green Blade let out a defiant huff.
“The texts also say, Brother Green, that the chosen one will face many trails before end. That is why I propose we enroll her as a novice at this Abbey, we will teach her the ways of Harmony,”
"I still don't agree with this, we should be preparing for the outside world."
"I feel I must agree with Green Blade on this, we simply don't have enough information to make a decision." This time it was Sister Gentle Wind,
"Do the rest of you feel the same?" asked Sparrow, many of the council members nodded their heads. "Very well, we shall postpone the decision until another time. This meeting of the Council is adjourned.”
The council members began filing out of the room, both to rest and to reflect on what the future of their order might be.
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Ooohh! I'm doing something similar to Salamandastron;; Is this inspired by Redwall the book, or the series itself?
Hey! I was going to fill out an authors helping authors review, but I don't think it'd be fair to obligate you to review something in return when I've only read the prologue! I can be more specific without forms anyway
The dialogue is solid, flowing and sounding believable. Word choice and grammar are also spot on! Only thing I saw was just a little dialogue thing. "Who is she," whispered one monk. This should probably have a question mark.
And only one other thing I saw. When coming back into a sentence, watch the capitalization.
“Brothers, and Sisters,” he said, briefing his helpers, “We have an injured pony at out gates. Probably just a little typo, since you did it right later~
The fact that I had to point out something so small shows that your grammar is top notch, so be proud!
Story-wise, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing what you do with the Elements. Keep it up!
Oh, and one small little thing. It may just be me, but the word squelch in the first sentence bothered me. Since it's the mud beneath her hooves that's doing the squelching, I feel like it would set up the setting better to start it with "The mud squelched beneath Celestia's hooves as she ran." Just more of a personal thing~ Still, great job!
2118585 the series unfortunately I haven't read the books yet though I do want to at some point.
2118590 Thank you for the review, The first chapter will hopefully be out sometime next week.
hmmm... interesting.
lets see where this goes shall we?
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! I have always loved the book Redwall, and the series is top notch. I really recommend you read them. good job on this crossover, i never realized i wanted something like this until you did it. Thank you! And reading the books will add a certain depth to your story. (I recommend you start with Redwal as it is the first book i believe.) Thank you again. This gets a favorite and a thumbs up from me!
2118687 I have to find the books first I'm living on a low income right now so it will be tough. But I've at least watched the series so I have a general knowledge.
i used to be a redwall fan when i was a kid
so this might be interesting
one thing though
this had better not be an oc-centric story
because i've seen enough shitty rewrites of the redwall books on ffn
it's interesting because you're a good writer and because ponies.
so don't disappoint, yo
2118761 This will focus primarily on Celestia with Oc's as backups
2118699 That's good! I always found the animated series to be entertaining.....my mom and I ended up watcing a lot of it on YouTube.
2118775
jafdsjhifhijdfihjidhijdjihjidjdhisjdhijdfijsjdijajhdahandgdsfgdsaghaoihajfhdgnh
WRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
2118807 ?
2118816
idk
my rage broke my brain
i'm going to watch this anyway and see where it goes
2118823 If I may ask what prompted the rage, the fact that is celestia centric or that it has OC's
4.bp.blogspot.com/-xc3fLuM4aC4/UHAsttMnbKI/AAAAAAAARxU/xE82dBZEmkg/s640/don't.jpg
oh. oh my. downton abbey comes to mind for some reason. probably the abbey.
REDWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL
This review is brought to you by the group called Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: Everfree Abbey
Grammar Score: 9/10, the reason why it is like so is because in some parts of the story the wording was a bit awkward. For example
This sentence is awkward, it still tells that the Abbot cannot see through the night. Possibly you could say He could see very little through the dark veil of the moonless night. Or something like that. It's only a suggestion though, you don't have to change it if you don't want to.
Pros:
- Because you made mention to the book series the Red Wall (sorry if I made a mistake naming it) it would attract people who have read the story.
- You have made mention of Celestia being a great being from a legend which I have to say made me want to continue reading, until I found out I was at the end of the page.
-The premise for the story seems very interesting, being that it is a story where Nightmare Moon won instead of losing, which I would then guess means that Twilight and the others are now under the tyranny of eternal night, which must suck.
-Finally, your grammar is great and the story itself has made me excited to read more.
Cons:
-If Nightmare Moon is there wouldn't that mean Princess Celestia is still banished to the sun?
-When the monks heard the thud outside the gates, wouldn't that mean either Celestia moved, or they would have also heard Nightmare Moon? Also wouldn't Nightmare Moon fly away from what she believed to be Celestia's corpse with a maniacal laugh to boast about her success?
-Lastly, you made it too damn hard to find cons.
Some notes:
, I always feel bad when I tell mistakes to people. I really like the idea of the story with how Nightmare Moon won instead of the mane six, I have a fanfic idea that is kinda like that, and how Celestia is now being hunted by Nightmare Moon for sport which I would guess continues to happen in the story. That or the mane six being hunted next, maybe along with Twilight's family, AppleJack's, Rarity's, Pinkie's, and maybe even Fluttershy or Rainbow. I really did enjoy the story, the prologue is amazing even though it is short, which I kinda have a bit of a problem with, but I don't really care too much. And I am hoping that this and your other story gets to the front page if it hasn't already, because they are awesome stories as I have said before.
I'm sorry if I ragged on you a little hard,
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwjfbRe5z1r1vgod.gif
Hope you enjoyed the review, and maybe when I'm done revising my story you could visit it and review it if ya like. It's called The Dragoon. You're a great author, keep it up, and thanks for the advice you have given to me before. Cheers mate!
2119070 I should have put this in its set on the first time Luna turns into nightmare moon not when she returns. So mane six aren't a part of this or are they
Also with the whole thud thing, its from when Celestia hits the door after falling down the hill.
2119076 Wouldn't the Abbot hear Nightmare Moon talking to Celestia still?
2119126 not necessarily, its a bit of a distance from the main building to the gate, plus it's raining very hard and there's a large wooden gate.
2119134 I'm just thinking that because the abbot I would guess is near the gate to hear Celestia hitting a gate, which I would guess wouldn't be too loud. I figured that when he was walking towards the gate he would hear the end of Nightmare Moon's little talk with Celestia and hear her take off into the night. However, this is just what I would think would happen. Maybe it could be better explained if there was a very harsh storm outside of the Abbey, if that was happening never mind my comments then.
2119280 you make a good point.
I'm going to try and add something to the Abbots POV, to indicate that.
Also their is a storm raging indicated by the first few lines.
2119297 I'm glad to help, even though I am not the greatest writer.
I just have been making ideas for a lot of things lately, it has kinda become second nature for me. Just today I got another idea for a story, which I'm probably not going to add into my juggle of the three fics I am going to write. 
2119319 oh I know I'm the same way, It's very hard for me to stick to one Idea before another pops into my head.
2119332 I have my original fic which I came up with after watching the Wonderbolt Academy episode, another fic that I thought of to explain how Axel from Kingdom Hearts got returned to being a human, another fic where Squall from Final Fantasy VIII and Ultimecia also from Final Fantasy VIII appear in Equestria before Nightmare Moon returned, and then another one I thought of today where a firedrake (pretty much dragonborn from DND) appears in Equestria after falling from the sky and becomes friends with the mane six, very close friends with Fluttershy though, (note:it probably won't have any romance in it though). Apparently I'm a clown if I can juggle all these ideas.
2119356 That is indeed a lot of Ideas, you should see my dropbox folders, I have like 20 story ideas half written. for a variety of fandoms and some are original works.
2119373 I am intrigued to read them.
I loved that book
As a life long fan of Redwall, I like this. At first I thought it would be a 'Downton Abbey' crossover (sister's obsessed with that show) but I can say I'm pleasantly surprised. Keep it up. Nothing I saw that wasn't already mentioned.
I love Redwall, such a good book.
2119468 I've never seen Downton Abbey so you don't need to worry there.
2118955
EULALIAAAAAAAAAAAAA
GIVE 'EM BLOOD AND VINEGAAAAAAAAARRRR
2118594
Ohmigod, you must!
2120729 I am. Managed to find an ebook of Redwall for 0.99 on Amazon
2121045
i must say its a great series, i've read about 60% of the series at my local library
2121045 Brilliant
D'oh, I got my hopes up, but no, it's only inspired by Redwall Abbey. Feh.
C'mon, don't you think it would be hilarious if Angel wound up in Salamandastron? Mossflower rabbits are all wimps, and I doubt he'd put up with that stereotype for long.
2122396 I hope that doesn't mean you won't still stick around. also that's not a bad Idea maybe some one will do a story on it.
2122528 Eh, I'll put it aside for a rainy day. Or until it gets featured, whichever comes first.
2122533 That's fine with me.
I have traveled from the great mountain Salamandastron to bring this review, on behalf of: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Everfree Abbey
Grammar score out of 10: 8/10
Pros:
REDWALL. CROSSOVER. ‘Nuff said.
The first scene was pretty good.
The monks of the abbey seem accurate as Redwall characters.
Cons:
The pacing is too fast.
Character’s names are used too often.
There is little description.
Notes Section:
So, when I first saw this, I had a bit of a fan boy moment. Redwall is literally my favorite book, so it was only natural. I’ve read the comic adaptation, I own all three seasons of the TV show, and I am only three or four books short of reading the whole series. However, the enthusiasm I felt reading a Redwall inspired story created somewhat of a bias. After I finished, I had to step back and realize that you are not Brian Jacques, so your writing style won’t be the same. Hopefully, that bias does not show in my review. Anyways, onto the part you actually want.
For the pros, I never have much to say. There isn’t really anything to say in most cases, if the writer did these things well, the reviewer obviously doesn’t need to tell them how to do it. However, I seem to have found an exception. Not for the first one though. As I wrote, ’nuff said there.
But for the second one, I feel I should explain. The first scene was honestly just better. Two of the cons hardly apply to it. This leaves me wondering why things changed after that scene break. The first scene was nicely paced and fairly descriptive. The second was not so much. The whole scene moved so fast, I barely had a grasp of what was happening. I could see that scene extending another thousand words, easily. Between extended conversations that could not only help with exposition but also characterization, and actually describing your characters a thousands words isn’t much of a stretch.
Now, description is as easy to overdo as it is to neglect. As it is, though, overdoing it is not your problem. You aren’t one of those authors who breaks out the thesaurus every other word, and has more adjectives than verbs in a sentence more often than not. You are on the opposite side of the spectrum. More than once I had to reread parts to figure out who looked like what. I know that they’re all wearing cloaks (the clothing the monks of Redwall wore were actually called habits, by the way), and that Tender Heart is white and Ginger Root is a light blue. Other than that, these characters are just a void to me. This can be fixed in a way that alleviates the second con as well. For example:
Although I did use Twilight’s name, I also attributed an aspect to her appearance. This is a great way of subtly letting the reader know what a character looks like. Now, if the reader already knows what a character looks like, then you can do something like this:
Because you know that Applejack is the one replying, you can replace her name or the word she with a detail of her appearance. Thus solving your second con.
Well, looks like I’m pretty much done her. I‘d like to think that this review will help you out! Good luck with this story, I’ll be watching it (and to that extent, you). I have high hopes for this, so don’t disappoint. I’m just joking of course. Don’t feel pressured or anything. I’m sure you’ll do fine!
Enjoy your review! I‘d really appreciate if you checked out my story: Que Sera, Sera (Although, I probably would have reviewed this even if you hadn't posted that thread in AHA.
)
2122792 Thank you for the review, though I am probably going to get hit with dislikes or some sort of negative comments. I feel I need to point this out, This is NOT a Redwall crossover, It was simply inspired by it, don't go looking for direct comparisons between this and Redwall. Their will be similarities but that's about it. Now addressing the review itself I will look into extending the second scene to add to it, however much of the detail and description of the Abbey and it's characters will be in the first chapter. This prologue was designed to introduce parts of the setting and a few of the characters so that Ch 1 will make more sense.
also I will read and review your story either tonight or tommorow depending on my schedule.
Name of Story: Everfree Abbey
Grammar score out of 10: 8/10
Pros:
Okay, first off...
Redwall inspired? Okay I have to read this. Loved the series.
You caught the spirit of it, while using your own style, good. I love it when folks use things as a base but give their own flavor and flare to it. Great prolog and makes me feel like I just read something that will have more meaning later on.
Cons:
uh.... sadly this is where I falter, I cannot think of any Cons. I have been one to let others find the cons of stuff. But one con might be a little short and rushed. That is about all I can think of. Good grammar that I can tell.
Notes Section:
Finishing this, seemed my computer posted this before I could finish it.
Keep up the good work, and by all means, let us know how the second or first chapter will be coming, this is great, and I look forward to seeing where you go with this. It is amazing.
2128876 thanks for the review, As for the rushed feel I'm working on extending the prologue and adding in detail. I'm already bumped it up to 2k. The first Chapter I hope to have out by the end of this week.
*Has finished watching all three seasons of the show, and reading Redwall since the prolouge was posted, and is still waiting patientley*
I wonder how you're going to get around Cluny getting crushed at the end... Oh well, wait and see I guess.
2658230 I'm sorry but you're going to have to wait awhile since I am focusing on doing rewrites to Guardian of the Hearthfire. Also this is not a red wall crossover it is inspired by it. Cluny and other characters from red wall will not be making an Appearence.
Well, I guess NMM would be Cluny's rough counterpart here, and I can still guess at major plot points. Like that there's going to be a seige.
Dont worry about it though, I can wait.
So What exactly is Redwall... I'm just looking for Downton Abbey-ish fics Does anyone know of any? (This might be the wrong place to adk either of these questions)