• Member Since 9th Oct, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 23rd, 2019

Hingard


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Comments ( 20 )

If this didn't have poor grammar and was kinda sorta like "LOOK AT MY OC GUYZ! LOOK AT IT!!!!!" this would be one of the better stories on the site. Get an editor, tho.

Gee, there have been a lot of Alicorn OCs since TWE was K-bombed. :S
Good try.. But I suggest getting an editor. 83

1726244

yea,and i'm currently looking for an editor, also this was just a short little thing I wrote for the Hearth warning eve contest.

1726240

does that mean you like it or what?

1726256 Tell me about it. It's like the OC Brigade came out in force.

1726303 I'll abstain from responding.

1726256

they cant criticize
you if there
dead

1726256
That's curiously true.

Hmm.... I don't know about this story.... It's got a nice tone to it, quite touching and the OC is nice, but I keep thinking that maybe you could have elaborated more on the story itself to develop the OC and then you won't get this type of rage dislike. I think it was a good effort and your grammar is good (although your formatting is inconsistent don't worry mine is as well).

1726515

this one is supposed to be just a short story for a contest I entered, My next story will be a lot better and it will explain the OC more.

but thanks for the comment

1726542 oOH I will be expecting it. Good luck! If you do want to figure out how to develop an OC. read wanderer D's guide... or If I may be so especially self-consciously egotistic, my main story Canterlot Her Creation and Her architects has 7 as my readers put it to me, well developed OCs.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Twas A Hearth Warming Eve
Grammar score out of 10: 5
Pros:
- You were aiming for a ponified version of Twas the Night Before Christmas, and I think you did a very good job with that!
- The story is overall adorable
- The characterization of filly Twilight was very believable
Cons:
- There was quite a bit of issues whenever somepony said something. One of the issues was that if the part after the quote is related to the quote (ex. Twilight said excitedly), then end the quote with a comma and don't capitalize the next word (unless it's a name, of course!) Otherwise, end with a period.
- The biggest thing is with commas.There are lots of places where commas are due, for example: 'Pulling the covers away Twilight got down off her bed and tiptoed to the door.' should be: 'Pulling the covers away, Twilight got down off her bed and tiptoed to the door.' Almost all of the problems with commas are like in the example sentence, so using that as an example I'm fairly sure you can pick out a lot of them.
- The last problem is just formatting. There are some paragraphs that are indented, and some that aren't. Most are double spaced, but I think I saw one or two that weren't. Stay consistent with your formatting, it's nicer to look at :twilightsheepish:

Notes Section:
This is a very cute story and it would be one of the better ones I've read if not for the grammar issues. I recommend getting a proofreader, although most of the mistakes you'll probably be able to catch after reading it a few times to yourself and maybe a few times out loud. Just do what you did with the first couple paragraphs and this fic will be 80% better already :pinkiehappy:
You know what, if you really want to, throw me a PM and I'll edit for you. This fic is too adorable to be lost in the depths of poor grammar :pinkiesad2:
Oh, and you might want to change the cover pic. I know it's completely relevent, but people have a thing with cover art made in Ponymaker. Just change it, and you'll be much better off. :pinkiesmile:

I hope this review has been useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten
Your Faithful Criticizer,
FlanChan

1902186 Thanks for the review, I'll give it another look through and fix what I can.

Heeeeeeeeey there, champ. Finally got to reading this and it was very fulfilling/satisfying :twilightsmile: It was a nice short story with sweetness sprinkled about and I can see it being extended/continued.

As always, keep writing (that other story) and just remember to make those grammar checks (just refer to FlanChan's comment and mine on your other page.

1928603 Thanks, I don't really plan on extending this unless i get hit with a bout of inspiration. but I do plan on going back over this and fixing a lot of the grammar mistakes.

Review by Authors helping Authors

Story - Twas a Hearth Warming Eve

Short Review
Grammar score out of 10 - 7

Pros
1. A sweet fic about filly Twilight
2. Some sections were well described
3. Twilight's character was quite accurate

Cons
1. The Alicorn OC feels a little bland
2. Start could have used a bit more grounding - you never actually mention when the story is set
3. Grammar is a bit inconsistent

In Depth Review
Story
A very nice and simple fic. You clearly had one idea in mind for this story and didn't allow it to get cluttered with unnecessary sub plots or events. A quick ponification of the night before christmas, and you pulled it off quite well.

I don't really have anything negative to say about the story in general, other than it seemed a little bit bland at times. Twilight didn't seem to react one way or the other to finding a stranger in her home.

It would have been useful if you had drawn attention to the fact that Twilight was a filly earlier in the story, rather than just relying on the one mention of her having only had one session with the princess.

Characters
I thought that Twilight was adorable through out this story. A little fillies view of the holiday and all it entailed. Most of her reactions were enjoyable to read, especially the sense of pride she has when her parents eat her food.

Twilight's parents were generally well done, but you didn't name either of them at any point through out the story. This leaves them as somewhat impersonal during this story.



Grammar
Grammar in this story varied quite a bit. Most of it was good, but there were several instances of basic mistakes - missing words, errant capitals, etc.
There were also a few examples of paragraphing being erratic - some lines were indented, others wern't or missing the double spacing. try to be consistent throughout the entire story.

“I’m Home”, this time there was a muffled reply. Instinctively, she turned her ears towards source of the noise and called out

- Missing a word in this sentence. should be - 'towards the source of the noise

“I’m Home”, this time there was a muffled reply. Instinctively, she turned her ears towards source of the noise and called out

“Hello…?” The reply was louder this time and seemed to be coming from upstairs but she couldn't make out the words.

Generally you don't want to put a characters dialogue and then anothers reactions to them on the same line. Have the descripton of the speaker and their words on the same line.
E.G.

"I'm Home"
This time there was a muffled reply. Instinctivley, she turned her ears towards the source of the noise and called out "Hello...?"

The reply was louder this time and seemed to be coming from upstairs but she couldn't make out the words.

"Ok mom," twilight said as she disappeared up the stairs into her room.

Proper name capital for Twilight

Waiting until she heard the sound of bedroom door being closed, she turned, looked at Dad and whispered…

Dad doesn't need a capital, unless his name actually is Dad.

1945354 Thank you for the review, I plan to go back and clean it up some more. as far as not naming the parents that was really because they weren't named in the show, so I didn't quite know what to do. The OC was actually meant to be kind of bland,. since the main focus wasn't really supposed to be on her, but it seems everyone thought it was.

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