Michael Greenfield had not lived a life of tragedy, nor had he been a bad person. By all rights he should have had nothing more than an average existence. Sometimes, however, life points to someone and says "You will face a horrible fate."
After waking up in Equestria and quickly losing the one he loved, Michael learns this lesson first hand. Not long after, it becomes clear that his troubles have only just begun.
This story is technically incomplete, as the last chapter is just a summary of the remaining plot of the story. If this bothers you, I am sorry, but I did not want to leave this story incomplete forever.
Chapters (10)
He seems so dull, hollow, and empty.
1908344
That is kind of the point... It's not permanent, though, don't worry about that.
1908344 well hes lover did die its just a way for him to deal with it i think
good chap.
The man's in a state of permanent shock. Or, at least, very long lasting shock. I'm surprised that they can't see that.
Took me a moment to realize the title of the chapter and the state of his broken mind. It's rather tragic how he lost his girlfriend Jessie (possibly more than just a GF), his former life, and very world he grew up in. But, ponies being ponies, they're going to love and tolerate the crap out of him until he breaks out of this zombie-like funk. I foresee him wailing to the sky when this emotion-blocking dam breaks, which will probably tear up pony hearts who happen to be nearby witnesses. Rainbow Dash, not so much, but Fluttershy would go completely to pieces, and Twilight will certainly empathize with his plight having detailed it to Celestia from the start. Pinkie Pie would be a blubbering mess as well, but far quicker to rebound than any other pony. As for the rest of the ponies, I dunno. Curious ones might come to take a peek and others just might slam windows shut like it's the howling of timberwolves nearby. They don't know him and will keep it that way for now-- in that typical small-town mentality.
I think the only Element that hasn't interacted with him yet is Applejack, right?
p.s. I eagerly await the moment ponies find out what fingers are also very good at. Scritching. Behind the ears, down the neck and back, rubbing firmly across those impossible-to-reach areas... if a pair of hands can turn a housecat into a purring pile of jellified fur (speaking from personal experience), ponies are no different.
1913171
Wow, thanks for the response! You know, it's odd, but I seem to be better at titling my chapters than the actual story... It took me a whole day to come up with the story's title, but I can usually decide on one for the chapter within an hour. I'm glad someone caught what I was going for there, though. I was a touch worried I was being too vague.
And yes, Applejeck is now the only element he has not yet interacted with. However, that is fixed soon enough, don't worry about that!
-RisingOne
P.S. I now have an image of him scratching behind Fluttershy's ear, making her kick one of her hind legs in pleasure.
So much adorable going on in that scene, I'm not sure my mind can take it...
1913610
Ack! I think I sprained a ganglia trying to picture that... owch... my brain...
You know, now that it's been mentioned, it will have to find its way into fiction. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but some day. Bam! And all the bronies reading it will end up on the floor with a sprained brain and a goofy smile.
And now I can't stop thinking about it. Dammit! Could turn that into some sort of pony combat technique. Devious Digits fighting style-- Both hands snap out to grip behind pony ears and curl inwards, scritching vigorously. Rendering the pony incapacitated with a slight drool, tongue lolling, and one hind leg twitching before all four legs collapse eventually as the pony's mind is stunned. A second pony attempts to buck, both hooves caught in a two-handed grip and dragged backwards into the air slightly. Upended, one leg is dropped so a free hand can tickletickletickle around the flat base of a rough hoof and up the inside of the leg, reaching to the exposed barrel ultimately. The pony can fight it but the giggles and guffaws will come irregardless. Soon turning into horse (ha!) laughing, sides aching (in a good pain) if this comedic torture is not stopped, exhausting this second attacker. Oh yes, humans are not considered tickle-monsters for nothing you know. (And don't forget to add all the sound effects of a towel being whipped near the microphone- whoof, snap!, whifshoosh, etc, etc)
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Que Sera, Sera
Grammar score: 9/10 (There are a few typos, the kind that spellcheck won't catch, such as a letter being left out yet what is left still spells a real word. This is a purely cosmetic problem and does not detract from the story, but if you are a perfectionist you might comb through it and catch them.)
Pros: First up in the pros department: you have some great chapter titles. Those are important. I especially liked the title to chapter two, which took me a while to get. Next, your pony characters are on target and actually feel like the characters from the show. Finally, I have not read a ton of Human in Equestria stories, but comparing this to what I have read, your human character's "flat personality" (a term I've stolen from a book I read in high school about a boy who was in an accident and ended up with zero emotions) seems pretty original. At least, it's not something I've encountered in pony fiction before. Also, the mystery with the dead woman haunts the story with a sense of intrigue.
Cons: I personally had a hard time with Michael as a character because of his emotionless personality. I realize that this is not something that can be changed, it's kind of the whole point of the character right now, but it made him unlikeable to me. (Note: that doesn't mean you should change it. A lot of stories have characters that the author intends not to be liked until something is revealed that is meant to change the audience's perception of the character. It's a part of getting an emotional response from your readers. So this is a con for me that could easily turn into a pro, depending on how you go about revealing Michael's character.) My feelings about Michael are really the only con I have for this story besides the few scattered typos that I mentioned earlier. Everything else seems solid.
Notes: You have a lot of great stuff going for you in this story: well-realized pony characters, a mystery that seems to be high-stakes, and what looks like it could be a character-driven emotional journey. (If you are going to leave Michael emotionless for an extended time, I would suggest focusing on the emotions of one of your pony characters in particular, like Fluttershy, Twilight, or Rainbow Dash, and let some extra emotional drama into the story through her while Michael is cold and empty.) Incidentally I read your blog post about HiE cliches, and I really didn't find anything in this story that was problematic for me. The characters all did what is natural for them to do, from Twilight's excitement at a new species, to Rainbow's mistrust, to Fluttershy's caring. Keep up the good work!
Enjoy your review! And thanks once again for your review on A Spell for Lyra. It means a lot.
nice chap. hes starting to show feelings thats good
lmfao she told him to leave and then she says
perfect example of woman logic
great chapter though! keep up the good work
1948162
Feels are dangerously contagious too, I caught some towards the end there. But he's finally working through this grief (typical steps are denial/isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance but his situation is anything but typical and he may never reach that final merciful stage). Fluttershy will get him out of this dark place, her Element compels her to do so.
I'm wondering if Luna isn't just a little curious about human dreams too. Since it's cannon that Luna does visit her citizens in their dreams, and he too is now officially a citizen, will Luna explore the undiscovered country of the human mind? And will she find things there she may regret knowing about? ...Or find rapturous?
Alright, let's get down to brass tacks.
Grammar Score: 9/10 (Not confident enough to give it a 10.)
PROS: 1.) Michaels character is actually very engaging. Nice change of pace for Human in Equestria stories.
2.) Fluttershy, Twilight and Dash all acted the way they REALLY would around a human. Shocked at his meat eating ways, angry at his cold demeanor, etc. They don't just shrug those things off and go "NO BIG DEAL, LOL." (as I've seen in too many HiE fics.)
3.) I'm goin' to want more of this story pretty soon.
CONS: 1.) He woke up in the Everfree Forest? Really? I know it's kind of required for this story, but next thing I know you'll be telling me he fought off a manticore and gains fire powers.
2.) I dunno, this may just be a personal thing for me, but the pacing feels a tad fast. It just doesn't feel like he's been in Equestria for 70 days.
3.) <Insert third 'not-really-a-problem' here>
Yes, I less than three it, so far. You get an upvote and a favorite from me. Good job!
Yo, sorry for the late review after you reviewed my story!
Anyways....
Grammar Score: 7/10. Look up proper punctuation for dialogue and watch out for comma splices.
PROS:
1. I like the concept and the story is intriguing
2. The MCs are in character
3. You use just enough detail in your descriptions
CONS:
1.) Your prose is flat
2.) It's hard to care about Michael
Notes:
So, this is the first Human in Equestria story I've ever read. Over all, I like it. Twilight's reaction was fun, although considering the number of random creatures in Equestria (Including other bipedal ones with hands like Iron Will) I'm surprised at just how surprised she is by certain features.
The most important thing to fix right now is your prose. Much of the story feels told, not shown, and as a result the reader feels a bit distanced from what is going on. It might be worth your time to give us a a few more scenes of how Michael interacts with the ponies or how they meet (Like meeting the apple family) that would help the reader get a feeling for what is going on. Look up techniques on showing and not telling, and watch out for passive voice. This will help the second point-since Michael is so emotionless, it's hard to care about him. But in scenes with him, the readers can get more hints about his true personality or underlying kindness. Think Data from Star Trek. No emotion, but his interactions can be used to show how kind or caring he is. Because he lost his girlfriend (I'm guessing) to a monster attack, does he act protective of other ponies? Can you show us a scene where he acts grateful, even if he doesn't feel it? A lot of your story is just telling us he adjusted to Equestrian life, but showing us how he adjusted would make the story so much stronger.
Also, how do they hide a human wandering around town?
Anyway, I hope that was helpful! Thanks for reviewing my story too!
1982430
Looking back, I did notice that I had a problem with telling instead of showing. I am trying to do better on this point. While I would gladly go back and rewrite it, I feel it would be better for me to continue with the story.
On your last point, I did put some thought into this. From what I can tell of the geography of Ponyville, Fluttershy's cottage, Sweet Apple Acres, and the library are all near the edges of the town. Therefore, with some mild stealth, Michael could avoid the citizens of Ponyville easily enough. The only problem that I can think of, now that you made me, is that it is a public library. I may have to go do an overhaul of chapter two, now... Geez, that one was already my longest chapter so far. And yes, I realize that I already said I think it would be better for me to move forward. Now I feel conflicted.
Cool chapter. My only concern would be that Fluttershy and RD let a potentially suicidal person run off their own, but that can be explained by the fact that they've never encountered that level of depression before. Still, it threw me a little.
More
Dude this story is awesome, it needs more attention then it's getting.
1987224
As Rainbow Dash thought to herself, that kind of depression is only found in the big cities, and even then it's rare. The ponies of Ponyville lead such a sheltered life, even with the occasional disaster from infestations, changelings, chaos gods, and Twilight's nervous breakdowns.
I could not agree with Michael more however, she would have loved it in Equestria. I just wonder if he'll ever let her spirit rest so he can move on. Maybe even allow himself to love again and take another hand- or, hoof.
1988827
I think what is going on is a mix of several factors. One, it's a HiE, that automatically turns some people off. Two, I think I should probably change my summary, that would likely help. And finally, three, I am a relatively unknown author, so some people are afraid to give my stories a shot.
1993294 Personally I think you need some cover art. People are likely to pass stories over if it doesn't instantly grab their attention. The art can be a quick attention grabber if it look interesting.
1993366
You have a point.
Que Sera, Sera, now with cover art!
Aaaaaw snap!
W-what?
I don't even...
Well I didn't see that coming.
What the hay?
This review is brought to you by authors helping authors
Name: Que Sera, Sera
Grammar score: 9/10 few mistakes nothing major
Pros: 1. The reactions of the characters are nice and feel very much in character for the ponies.
2. The twist at the end of this chapter was great. It captivated my attention and left me wanting more.
3. I like how this story has avoided the cliche of all humans are evil but me.
Cons: 1. Pacing, the story seems a bit rushed in spots. This is not really a big dael and does not affect the story that much.
2.Rainbow Dash so quick to nger. This may be just mese review but it seems like she is too quick to pounce on our human guest.
Notes: I really like the primese of this story and I will like and fav it. I liked how the main character was emotionless in the beginning this let us see how the ponies reacted wth no bias.
Please review my story Mason's Quest. Thank You
Yup, life will do that. Put you up on a tall pedestal of epic joy so it can gleefully kick it out from under you. This "Balance" character has me stumped as to what it is. My knee jerk reaction is to blurt out, Nightmare! But the force (spirit?) of Nightmare needs a living host to turn evil (and probably something stupidly powerful like an alicorn). So I'm back to wild speculation and coming up with nothing.
Ooh, wasn't expecting Discord.
KEEP GOING YOU MAGNIFICENT SONUVABITCH
2071308
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2108529
I referred to him as "it" a lot because I mistakenly thought it would be clever to be vague about just what he was.
Yeah, I'm thinking I should rewrite at least the first three chapters. I've learned a lot in a month.
Excellent chapter, man why aren't more people reading this?
d1fgn7wex1bhjn.cloudfront.net/assets/tarantulaV2/embedded_images/1345821626_original.gif
Excellent, more please.
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2148923 2148174 2145107
So does this mean I didn't screw up the final scene with Michael and Jessie? That part really has me worried...
2149629 It was fine, it's nice he finally got some closure.
1948962
G1 was set in "Dream Valley" and pegasai could travel from there to a place that had humans.
I'm working on a story in which Equestria is a shadow world of Earth, one of many such realities. Humans appearing in Equestria would be a sort of collective unconciousness "ah-ha!" moment in which the ponies recognize the hyper-reality of a human. That a human acts as a dreamer somewhat in control of his dream, the dream being Equestria. Unable to be hurt as easily (not to say violent things don't feel bad or scare - it's just nothing permenant hurts them, like in a cartoon.) They even influence reality around them, creating a sort of narrative based on the human's thougths.
Good job breaking him Twilight. Now what?
2149629 Spoiler alert, I loved it
Anyways, just some minor corrections:
That should be 'her'.
Take that out.
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critic Society.
Story Title: The Fate of a Man
Author: RisingOne
Reviewed By: arandompenguin
An emotional piece, to be sure. Compelling to read, and enticing to continue, this is a great piece of fiction. It could do with a grammatical brush with a finely-toothed comb, but the infrequent mistakes do little to take away from the overall atmosphere of what is a generally excellent example of what Human in Equestria can be. Characterisation is brilliant, and it's easy to feel for each character, I would thoroughly recommend this fic to anyone interested in a decent helping of Sad.
Full Review
Score: 9/10
Wasnt the title Que Sera Sera or something?
2232868
It used to be, but I let Ponydora Prancypants have it when he accidentally used it for one of his own stories.
2232878
Oh, well that was nice of you!
Excellent chapter once more.
2233891
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Huh, so Mike's now a lost soul stuck in limbo. Maybe he'll get to reunite with the real Jessica before those crazy ponies come storming the afterlife and drag him back to the land of the living.
He should turn into a ghost like the one from "A Ghost Story" for a little while.