Patchislot was a curious pony who lived his life day to day dreaming of being with other ponies. But, being an illegal Alicorn not made by Celestia's hoof, Patchislot was banished into the deep caverns of Neighstrose a dark place where no pony could see or escape from. For many years Patchislot wanted to return to Ponyville so he navigated the caverns of Neighstrose. Patchislot soon went insane and began to imagine the ponies he so sought after for years. For then his life was bliss until he found a curious door to which he had never touched before....
Chapters (1)
Yeeeeah... no.
2057651 Did you even read my story?
2057668
Yes, actually. No explanation, no real plot, very cliche alicorn (can you please at least explain WHY main character is alicorn, it serves no real purpose) and typical oh-so-scary-madness. Boring. Unimaginative.
2057678 Please explain how he is a cliche?
2057691
Explain why Red-and-black OC alicorn - cliche? Are you kidding?
2057697 No I meant as the character itself, if your going to dismiss it just because its a red and black alicorn OC then there is something wrong with you.
2057702
No, it's not. If you created alicorn for no reason other than it being alicorn, story is not worth reading anyway. Otherwise you could've used earthpony, unicorn or pegasus, or had a solid reason why there's another alicorn in Equestria, and why exacly you need alicorn as protagonist.
2057712 It already says on the summary the reason he is in Neighstrose in the first place.
being an illegal Alicorn not made by Celestia's hoof, Patchislot was banished into the deep caverns of Neighstrose a dark place where no pony could see or escape from.
2057720 No offence, but I think he meant a better reason then that. PS. I have not read the story at all.
Alicorn OC, Pony Creator cover pic, and... damn, the red and black part is even in the title! The only way to make this story more cliché is to make the alicorn a transformed human.
Oooh, ouch. I immediately see 12 Dislikes to 4 Likes.
Oh well. The 
was only because I had the same thing happen to me once before, not because I automatically dislike it. So, I will read your story at a later time, BleedingEquine. If you don't mind, I'll give it the dependable read and review. Dun Dun DUNNNNN! But seriously, when I get around to reading this, I'll review it for you.
I'm not going to read this story, not as it is. There might be a good, interesting idea to this story, but the description, title, and picture don't reflect anything I'd want to spend time reading.
But this isn't hopeless. Let's see what it would take...
The picture: General Zoi's Pony Creator is an amazing piece of flash programming for making pictures of OC ponies easily.
That's bad here.
Using an unedited screenshot from the creator looks lazy, and so many bad stories have unedited Pony Creator images that your story will be tainted by association. Your picture is a net negative: toss it.
Character Design: Red and Black is an easy way to look 'dark and edgy'.
That's bad here.
Again, so many bad stories have main characters with that color scheme. Unless there's a REASON to have a red and black character (say, Big Macintosh goes goth and dyes his mane black) avoid it.
Oh, and guess what? OC alicorns are at a disadvantage to start with because they break show canon; your potential audience LIKES the show canon. And, again, there are so many bad 'Alicorn OC' stories that your story is even further in the hole. I'm not going to say to make him not an Alicorn, but I'll come back to the issue.
Reading the description, I can see two ideas that I might find interesting: Tyrant Celestia, and Insanity in the Deeps. Of the two, I think I can work with the second better...
This'll be a psychological/horror story, the decent into madness. Start the story with the character down in the deep dark tunnels, alternating what he's doing in the physical world with what's going on in his imagination. Start in the middle of the story, slowly building up what happens, before and after, spreading out from that point. DON'T mention that the main character is an alicorn, either in the story description or in the text, at least not until you've established that Celesita summarily banished him for some unspecified reason; maybe have it only come up when he actually meets another pony outside of his imagination.
Oh! And when he DOES meet another pony, give him trouble realizing that this pony ISN'T part of his imagination! That'd make for a more interesting story.
Okay, with that story outline, change the description to be a first-person description of moving through the darkness, searching, and make the picture a simple solid black. Title it something like 'Out of Darkness'
Got all that done? Great, you'll have a story that people will WANT to read, instead of another generic Alicorn OC description.
Oh for fuck's sake, people are still doing these?
2058579 fantastic....
2058610
Hey, I'm just trying to help your story avoid unfair, undeserved hate. I'm not telling you to throw out this story, or stop writing.
You know what I am sick and tired of retards saying OMG it's a red and black alicorn Mary Sue just because nah! Whine! Whine. Thats what all of you sound like! You guys can't even read a story before judging. You know why the main character is an alicorn that is red and black? Because to show you people that a interesting character can be made from anything even an alicorn oc that is red and black. But, no you people just feel OMG this story is gonna tank lol! Fuckinay.
2058643
Truth be told? I completely agree with you! ANY idea can be made into a good story. I'd love to help you PROVE it!
Trouble is, people aren't going to give you a fair chance if the FIRST thing you tell us is that your character is a red and black alicorn. They'll see it, and assume that you're a hack newb author-wannabe. YES they're being unfair, but you can't solve that by ranting at people trying to help!
My suggestion is that you TRICK and DECEIVE the people being unfair to you. I invite you to join in a conspiracy to fool the haters into loving a red and black alicorn OC.
2058710 Well it is too late for that it has been downvoted to kingdom come.
2058710 I even took the time to make the OC look good "sigh".
2058713
It's not too late; delete this story, and make a new story that doesn't even look like this first one. ;) I did say you'd be tricking and deceiving people.
Good luck with your writing.
2058744 Thank you
