Twilight Zone

With a few words, Pinkie Pie is put in a hospital and no pony knows what to do. Not even the doctors can answer for this sudden sickness. Though an unwelcome visitor may change things for the better.

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Stardom Freedom

Stardom Freedom #1 · Jan 2nd, 2016 · · ·

Eh, it was okay. You had lots of run-on sentences and some punctuation errors and it felt like you were just rushing to get the story done. Slow down, and take some time to smell the roses. Don't worry, I'm still working on this strategy as well. The point is to take your time, describe the scene, describe the ponies' looks on their faces a bit more, go into more depth.

Also, it felt like you just put Discord in there randomly, just to quickly resolve the story. There really was no need for him to be there.

And, why the heck is A.J. not there? Shouldn't all of her Pinkie's friends be there? Fluttershy didn't come to her dinner date, so why couldn't Applejack just skip work?

And, the ending. It seemed pretty unlikely for Pinkie's friends to just leave her in the hospital alone. They were there in the beginning, so why did they just bail on her in the end?

Overall, the story was okay. With some work, it could be perfect.

I rate it a 6/10. One day, edit this story a little more, maybe even take a few of my suggestions and put them in there. You could get an editor to help you with your grammar, which I would rate as a 6/10 as well. All you really need to fix are your run-on sentences and some of your punctuation.

For now, keep writing stories, and start working on some of these skills. Practice makes perfect!