The story of Country Fiddle's (or also known as "Fiddlesticks" or "The Fiddler Pony" or, appearantly, "Greensleeves" or "Viola") life. All her adventures, from when she is born, up until the "Apple Family Reunion" is told here.
"Life is a pic-nic en costume; one must take a part, assume a character, stand ready in a sensible way to play the fool."---The Confidence-Man, Herman Melville
(I want it to be let known, that as far as I saw, I was the first to take on any major or minor deep intrest in this pony, in story or art, in an original way (e.i. not just seeing her as a minor background pony with the same design as Octavia)--save perhaps my first fan-fic, The Fiddler, which was written a week before the Apple Family Reunion episode, and posted on-line the day before that episode aired. I hardly mean this to sound vain, but merely that I am very happy and proud to have done this before any major or minor hype about her; despite its, so far, unpopular legacy....)
(And, for any pony who may read this story as it grows steadily into what will surely be quite the didactic tale of a young pony's life, from famous fillyhood to forgotten marehood, and her younger sister's hard life with thier family grown torn and indifferent, may, before its yarn is complete, want to refer to a hint to her life as told from her own mouth in The Fiddler.)
LOL Someone loves them some Fiddlesticks, huh? Very interesting.
Incidentally, I'm thinking of doing such a story with another overlooked background pony, and I may look to this for inspiration if that's cool.
It is because I also love this background pony that I want to give you a very strong piece of advice.
"Show don't tell." It is a phrase that everyone who seeks editing help learns to hate. It's a skill that takes time and effort to develop, but it is very, very valuable.
Typically, the phrase is applied to things like this.
This is a perfect example of telling. You have told us that he is "happy yet sad" while glancing at his wife. There are a couple of things wrong with this. First off, it's a very vague and uninteresting description--I don't know what it means. More importantly, it doesn't even count as proper description.
A lot of people suck at explaining "Show don't tell," but it's actually a very simple concept. I can explain it in the same number of words as are in the phrase itself: "Use imagery instead." Observe.
versus
In the first one, I said what was going on. I said "she was getting close." In the second, I talked about her mouth and her breath--I used sense imagery and did a proper job of describing stuff. The overall lesson: When a moment or specific object is important, describe it with imagery.
This story in particular does a REALLY bad job of skipping stuff and just "telling" it. Here's a clear example.
This isn't just skipping over imagery, this is skipping over entire paragraphs. The bolded words are what should have been said in other ways. Telling me that someone is bourgeois tells me nothing. Do their clothes make them look rich? Their attitudes? Their accents? And don't tell me that "their clothes made them look rich" either. Tell me about their custom-hemmed accents, chunky golden jewelry, impeccable eye for fashion, etc.
Now we've gone beyond just me trying to teach you Show-Don't-Tell. Now we're talking about you not even taking the time to tell your story properly. You do almost nothing to make the story, the characters, the progression engaging--this reads like an outline.
There are things I like about your writing, but the way this story came out is making me cringe. I really think it would be worth it for you to take it upon yourself to work towards self-improvement. There is a whole world of poni authors for you to tap, to this end. Come drop by The Training Grounds if you want the full review treatment.
Merry Christmas (only ended 15 minutes ago in my timezone), and keep writing.
>>ImperfectXIII
Thanks
And I'd be very flattered if you did
>>Tactical!Rainboom
Thanks for the advise, it is very helpful. I do realize what what you mean by "show don't tell", however it always helps to have a little review. However, now that I realize it seems awkward to some, I'll be changing it more to "show", as I was planning to anyway. Most of the "tell" I did here is, as far as I can observe, lingerings of the late Tolstoy writings and and Kawabata, but amateurish. I told what I did for a reason, however, and it should be cleaned in subsequent chapters--I'm always working toward self-improvement
Thank you very much for reading and the advise, I really do appreciate it
Oki-doki! A decently nice short story you got going on here but you got a some room for improvement. I'm not great with correcting others but I took some notes along the way and I hope they'll help you out.
I could tell off the bat that you over use commas which create strange sentence breaks and pauses. For example...
There are too many sharp pauses, thus it just doesn't flow and sounds slightly robotic when said out loud. Compare it too...
You might want to try and go back and think of ways to string some of those sentences together without having to rely on commas so much.
ere?
This line here could use a big break down with less commas and a period or two.
Shouldn't they at least be a little frightened though? It's common after all to be a little thrown off by seeing someone that's normally well collected go into a sudden fit.
Keep up the writing! The more you do and the more you sharpen a critical eye, the better you'll get!
Dear author, this isn't a race. Even overused ideas are still good when you know how to conduct them.
2071098
But I'll remove that sentence now....
anyway
Ah, ah, yes. I know it isn't a race. I had only meant, then, that I was so excited to see this pony again, I really wanted to write something of her... is all...
2080382 No need to remove that, dear author, if you wish to convey your anxiousness. Simply rewrite the tidbit! It is OK to feel thrilled to be one of the first in any kind of undertaking. Really, it is.
But be careful with what you write. This is the internet, after all. Idiots lurk left and right... there is always that someone who will infer another meaning from what you wrote.
In this instance, it was me.
2080421
Here's a moustache to show
Okie Dokie Lokie!
Thank you for being such an understanding and kind young fellow; I really do appreciate it
But, for now, I think I'll leave it down--it looks somewhat cleaner, but we shall see if I add something in a similar vein to what I had up before, in time
2080421
Put back in a similar vein!
If it lacks clearity, please let me know
2097343 Eeeyup. That is fine!
Please continue!!!
That was a good first chapter!
I'm not going to be able to finish it right now, but you can bet I will finish it soon!
I just want to say there were a few added commas (,) that confused me at some points, but nothing too big.
Awesome!
2293426Wow, thanks, mate
Yeah, grammer improves with each chapter, and other stories as well
2293430 I'll be sure to keep that in mind.
2293505The chapter I'm working on though will have alot of wierd changes... but that's because it's in a dream
2293515 ACH! Don't ruin it for me!!
2293520You have no idea what's gunna happen though, or why, or how
2293530 True, true...
2293533For all you know, I couldda just lied about the dreaming to throw you off
2293543 Also true...
But you wouldn't do that to me...
Would you?
2293550I don't know what you're talking about. You'll just have to wait and see
twilight.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/135613838528.png
(I'm writing the chapter now. So far at about 1,300 words)
2307603
It's really good thus far!
2317842Thank you very much
(Is it moving kinda too slow?)
2317849 Not in my opinion.
Fiddle sticks looks like Octavian. Same race, Same hair style and the same cutie mark
2328174They sisters, no?
2328874 I havnt read the story... Or looked at the tags
2328889I see
Well, if you do: the first chapter is a little bumpy (will work that through the ringer later), but it is cleared in subsiquent chapters
2328945 meh too lazy to read...
2329134twilight.ponychan.net/chan/arch/src/130395182230.png
2330539 pfft as if sad Applejack s gonna make me read it
2330597
I wasn't tryin' ta get ya to read it, but, not a bad idea
It's not a great story anyway. There's much more to be done before anything really happens. All that's been writ is something about winning a contest against her sis, some boring thoughts on why she won, and a strange dream chapter....
It's a slow start fer this one, I reckon
2330625 yup mind if I call you H-Dog? Is sounds Awsome
Oh and get used to me doing this, I post random ass songs that usually have nothing to do with anything. I just really like listening to them
[youtube=Kv6jQmQStjc]
Also does this /\ song /\sound like a remix to \/ this song? \/
[youtube=lI7N7WcBKcg]
2330688Ash-dawg?
Sure!
)
I raise you one sir!
(start at 2:13 and listen for the struming of the cello near the end
2330704 no H-Dog not Ash-Dog
Or H-Dawg
2330704 what does a violin have to do with any of this?
2330835I was using the French pronuciation of the latter "h"
And, violins have everything to do with--wait, do with what?
2331441 exactly!
2333324
risingstarforums.net/random/ukyo.jpg
im likin' what im readin
2394320Happy to hear
1856103Have I noticed you on MLPwiki?
You had commented a few times on the page about Ms Peachbottom?
Well, if the same is you, then I should inform you:
Peachbottom group!!!!!!!