• Member Since 26th Aug, 2012
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Comments ( 39 )

This is my first fanfic so please criticize as much as you like


Ok, so my only grievance.: The chapter title should be called "Return of the Queen's Colts".

This was a nice story, all in all.

1811745 I'd watch out if I were you. They're banning people like us.

Really? That is NOT fair. Doing this (Joke) Alt. Titles thing is the second most fun I have on this website! The first, obviously, being writing.

1811809 I know, I got banned even though I've been mostly constructive. It's sad that it's come to this, but oh well.

1811809>>1811819 Bitches please, I got banned also.

And I wasn't even being negative; just gotta delete my comments,

1811834 Donus, I hate to break it to yah, but as amusing as you were, you still deserved it. Most of your comments were :rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss::rainbowkiss: And even after you reformed, you still were not that helpful.

1811842 I know.

Thing is, you can delete them like that.

1811857 I know, and it's a thing people seem to have forgotten. Anyway, I've given up my crusade. I want to be recognized for what I write, not what I post on other people's fics.

1811868 Crusade? You?

Fine, be like that. You stopped my crusade, go ahead and stop yours as well.

I did find your fics amusing, afterwards.

1811884 Well, no. knighty stopped our crusades. I don't want either of us permabanned.

1811892 Yeah.

He indirectly pointed at us on his comment rating and comment ordering blog posts.

1811906 It was kinda obvious of him. Lol. Anyway, let's stop spamming this person.

Gray mare: “...*cough*...H...Help...*cough*...Pl...Please.”

Armoured pony:”...Burn...”

What the? I thought that we weren't aloud to put dialogue like that? Bro, how did you possibly got that through moderation. I mean, with the ubiquitous comma errors that sprang out at me, I could see that being through moderation, but that dialogue thing seemed to get me off guard.

And right here:

For Canterlot is ablaze.

That's a fragment.:ajbemused:

Though the plot gripped it together. I mean, who started the fire? Was that Celestia at the end?

I guess I'll favorite this.

Not gunna lie that surprised me also.

Wait and see maybe it was Celestia maybe it wasn't.

That made me lol.:rainbowlaugh:

If you don't want your work criticized why post it?:pinkiehappy:

All is Dust? 'The Thousand'? 'Crimson Queen', Cult Names, Red and gold armour?


:rainbowderp: was it that obvious? lol jks


Just nice to see the Pre-Heresy Sons for a change ::raritywink:

My only criticism is that it could use some more commas here and there. The sentences seem to run-on a bit.


Gray mare: “...*cough*...H...Help...*cough*...Pl...Please.”

Armoured pony:”...Burn...”

Putting dialogue like that is a big no no. In fact, it's against the rules. I don't know how this got past moderation with that in the first chapter.


I was surprised by that myself

1840228 So you put that in your fic, knowing full well it's against the rules and might get denied by the moderators?

The fuck?


I did not know it was against the rules but when I found out I was really shocked

*Debesh cracks his neck.*

This is my first fanfic so please criticize as much as you like

You have opened a door that can never be closed, dear author...

All is Dust
Before Discord threatened all with unending chaos there stood an alliance. an Alliance of Equestria and a group of magically gift ponies from the far north ruled by a being simply known as the Crimson Queen, but times changed and history hides the truth of events that lead to the downfall of the Crimson Queen and her loyal servants known simply as The Thousand.
But now after so many years the Queens most faithful have returned to Equestria from their banishment ready to bring about the destruction they suffered upon the ponies of Equestria.

This is my first fanfic so please criticize as much as you like

The description is the first thing anyone will ever see of your story, and if there is anything wrong with it you're going to turn writers away on principle. If absolutely nothing else in your story is perfect, make certain that your description is. Here's a corrected version:

Before Discord threatened all with unending chaos, there stood an alliance between Equestria and a group of magically gifted ponies from the far north ruled by a being simply known as the Crimson Queen. Times changed, however, and history hides the truth of events that led to the downfall of the Crimson Queen and her loyal servants, known simply as The Thousand.
But now, after so many years, the Queen's most faithful have returned to Equestria from their banishment, ready to bring destruction upon the ponies of Equestria.

Anything that isn't directly related to your story (such as that first story comment) should go in a comment or possibly a blog post; it doesn't belong in the description itself.
Also, be sure that every word in your title is capitalized (Equestria Burns vs Equestria burns).

My only criticism is that it could use some more commas here and there. The sentences seem to run-on a bit.

Hydraxius Krayt is right; you have a lot of missing commas. This is robably the most glaring issue you have right now, and you should take care of it as soon as you can. If you're having a hard time fixing it yourself, you might want to invest in a proofreader to help you out.

As the sun sets

Present tense is always a bit wonky, I feel, but as long as you know what you're doing and keep on top of the proper tense you'll be fine.

Gray mare:

Once again, Hydraxius Krayt nails the issue. Do not do this; use more traditional dialogue.

All in all there's not much here to judge; at 1.3k words I can't really tell how well this will turn out, though. I'll keep half an eye on this.

- Debesh Unnos, Mercenary Reviewer


Thanks for the pointers I'll start correcting now.

As for the first fanfic thing I see so many ones were the author puts 'this is my first fanfic be gentle' or something similar tot hat my mind set let readers pickt he first one apart like vultures voer a corpse onyl way you'll improve as an author.

dammit dammit dammit dammit ! only to say just 3 weeks ago to write a fic about the thousand sons, but different from this

Despite the numerous (and frankly, amateurish) punctuation errors nearly driving me away, this story... isn't bad. I don't actually know much about the Thousand Sons, but this still has caught my interest. At least enough for me to give you another chance to clean up your act (by which I mean your proofreading errors).

Something you might find useful is the horizontal rule tag. Put "

" in between different scenes. Or some other visual indicator that the next paragraph is a new place or time. It was jarring to go straight from the sorcerer parts to Twilight's parts without some sign that the perspective was changing.

Thankyou for pointing that out to me.

Punctuation has never been my strong point in any sense of the word, I will get onto the punctuation errors at once.

As will I sort out the spacing issue that has been caused.

Thankyou for bringing this up.

Just take it slow when you're writing. If you re-read a line, and in your head there's a pause, a comma probably belongs there. I personally tend to add too many clauses, so I overdo the commas a bit, but the most common mistakes I see here are sentences that run on and on because they lack commas.

Would you please make it clear in the summaries, which cross-over(s) are involved?
Also, "An old threat that was once an alley": Make that `ally´.
"revenge on behath of the Crimson Queen": `Behalf´.

All is dust...the wolves cannot destroy us...we will rise again...

:twilightsmile: I did say I was completely rewriting it

Oh my God, you've done it, and I suppose you read A Thousand Sons by Graham McNeill just like I did as you rewrote the story, just look at the intro, Oh my God, you sound just like McNeill. I suppose we have something in common. God bless you after all these months.:raritystarry::raritywink::duck:

I own a signed copy and the audiobook. I adore it. It's my favourite novel in the series.

Thank you for the comment

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