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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It's good, but needs work. Mainly in grammar, sentence structure, and the occasional spelling mistake. If you don't have time to go through, or English isn't your first language, I can understand the mistakes.
Keep up the good work.
2860412
English is my first language, but with the shifts I work spare time is a rare luxury I lack.
Thankyou for the pointers.
2860433
No problem. And you're welcome.
Luna, I said you, you dead. By the way, you still working on Equestria Burns?
I'm pretty sure she'll die in some crossfire sometime later. I noticed the grammar is a bit off, other than that I can only say it's a great fic so far
Well done! I find this just a little funny because my friends were just talking about how a cross-over of mlp and SM would be really cool, and when I saw this, i just had to read. It's really good so far. Cades pretty much covered any mistakes, and I know all too well how it feels to have very little spare time. I wish you luck on the rest, I'm looking forward to it!
this looks like its going to be good
2860858
I am but it is takign time for several reasons manly the fact i don't feel I can do the thousand sons justice in it (they are my fave pre-heresy chapter).
Never assume who will die for it will surprise you if they do not
.
2863526
Not space marine that game pissed me off. This is based on the table top war game i was based on and the RPG by fantasy flight called Deathwatch. But I hope you enjoy the story either way.
2864773
I hope it turns out good.
Not a bad story though I have to admit I've never heard of this Chapter. Good news done, now bad news. Grammar, while not too shabby it needs a bit of work. Especially in your summary. Next, at the end in your author's notes: NEVER ask for thumbs up. Makes you seem desperate and most readers will take offense to that, especially when your story is still fresh. Wait till your story is a bit more popular then just make the occasional asking for thumbs up.
2867511
Deathwatch aren't a chapter, more like a special forces team of every space marine chapter primarily used to kill xenos.
I could talk about your grammar or I could point out a mistake I noticed...
"but one she had been given by someone she had only met within the world of dreams... Her farther."
Should be father.
Probably more grammar mistakes in their according to other comments, but nothing glaring at me, I'm enjoying it so far.
Question:what space marines chapters they belong to? The only who appears are the space wolves tactical marine and the dark angel terminator
Dig the idea, but I would recommend that you find an editor to help you look over future chapters before publishing them.
The errors are generally pretty minor. Missed commas, incorrect wording, a few superfluous words here or there. Just stuff that could be fixed with an extra pair of eyes. There is one big thing though: After you introduce the marine with the flame thrower you start switching between present and past tense. That's really something you need to work on.
Other than that, I really like it. The characters are all pretty distinct even though we don't have a lot of screen time for them yet, the language is consistent, and you've managed to make it sound like the retelling of an epic (which is very cool, imo). Although your story does seem to be suffering from crippling Ork deficiency, it might just pull through.
All in all it looks cool. Liked and faved.
Soo... which chapter is the Chaplain from? You have a Space Wolf, a Dark Angel, a Storm Warden. I guess Heavy Flamer guy and the Chaplain are currently chapterless. (Well, i think it was implied that the guy with a Heavy Flamer was a Dark Angel, but...)
2867511
Alpharius IV hit the nail on the head with who the Deathwatch are.
2867664
Thanks for pointing that one out. Don't know how I did that.
2867883
I have only reviled three chapters so far: and I want to know what made you think Elyas was a terminator?
2869151
Thankyou for the pointers. I have looked for a editor but well people I have asked know little to nothing about 40k and those that do know nothing about the deathwatch.
Again thanks for pointing that out I will go over and change that.
Oh a lack of Orks you say? They might make an appearance somewhere down the line.
2869335
I have only revealed three chapters thus far for suspense reasons, not to mention their is still the sixth Deathwatch Space Marine to bring in. Which will happen in the later chapters.
2869373 because only terminators can be equipped with heavy flamers
2869886
Stern guard veterans can wield them in place of bolters.
2869888 I thought it because only terminators can be placed in the space hulk, not sternguard
2869895
Not based off Space Hulk, Space Hulk follows blood angles terminators, this follows a Deathwatch kill-team.
A kill-team is comprised of different battle-brothers from different chapters.
2869939 And this kill-team don't have a blood angel?
2869952
I am not in a position to answer as to weather or not there is a blood angel within this kill-team.
By the Emperor, I shall like it and fav it and you will be watched.
2870498
thankyou. And I am glad you liked it so far.
This shall be watched for any heresy... and if there is by the emperor I shall hit it with my power wrench.
2876630
Oh bugger. thank god I aint a heretic
The only way this could possibly go worse would be if you sent Grey Knights or some really high level Dark Eldar.
2877008
Not sure if insult or funny joke.
Going to assume the later.
Grey knights have no part in the deployment of the Deathwatch nor do they provide battle-brothers to them, the Deathwatch and the Ordo Xenos chamber militant while Grey Knights are the Ordo Mallius chamber militant.
2879558
I am aware, my point was that the only people who might react worse to ponies would be Grey Knights and Dark Eldar. You could probably make a case for Daemons too.
the Emperor is bacon all hail the Bacon lord
... back to reading
good read
quarter
unclean
probably a couple more but I'm not a proofreader
still a good read
So the ponies in this story are abhumans?
3012095
Thanks for pointing that out. I shall correct that later. After work.
3012112
Yep if they weren't the Deathwatch would perform exterminartus
BY THE EMPERAH! It's about goddamn time!
3012426
I take it you enjoyed this chapter?
3012598 YES I DID! AND WHY I'M WRITING IN CAPS?! RAAAGH!
Woo! We have a Salamander in the ranks! The Xenos don't stand a chance.
Me too.
3013236
What gave it away?
3013766
Thanks for pointing that out.
3013897 The only space marine battle cry that I know by memory is the Salamanders', so... yeah.
Some grammar mistakes, but aside from that good chapter.
3013937
That makes sense.
.... I wanted to see Angry Marine but begger can't be choosers
3016046
we still have the Chaplains chapter to reveal and the black shield could very well be one (in the deathwatch black shields are brothers who have given themselves to the deathwatch severing all ties to their parent chapter)
The Emperor has spoken... A NEW CHAPTER! Brothers rejoice and read the holy edict!
3016984
I take it you enjoyed the chapter?
3123032 I know that's why I want to see him
3123032
Yes it would.
3123042
You really want an angry marine thrown into the mix don't you?
3127659 YES! Um... I mean yeah that would be great
3127843
As I have said the Chaplin still has his chapter to be reveled, so you may get your wish.
i choose Brother-Apothecary Akhom because a space marine with advanced medical knowledge would really come in handy for any bad injuries they may suffer
3149419
I had a feeling someone would vote for him.
Chapter Master Gabriel Angelos of the Blood Ravens!
Just kidding!
I don't really know, but I found a few errors.
Threw
not
behind, their
That one may sound silly here, but when red in the fic, it makes sense.
There is more, but I don't remember everything.