A story about a teenager who woke to find a strange girl who seemed oddly familiar in his bed. After that, a world ended, his own little world. A story I wrote for the hell of it. Also if someone can come up with a better name, please message me.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Umm. I going to read this now... don't delete till I'm done...
Seriously, it's like a comment grave yard here.
Right, onto the story.
Edit: ... Good news! I'm your new editor! Give me your email and I will have an improved version ready in a couple of days. This has great potential and I'm gonna help you get there. I may or may not add some strange ideas of my own, but it will still be your story, and I will send it straight to you. I look forward to getting your email and fixing this before the haters start to bum fuck you.
I will also leave notes on certain parts for grammar and such that you can use as a guide for future stories. Hope to hear from you soon!
Please do more!!!
Keep up the good work, cant wait to read more
Hmmmmm facilierfan93.deviantart.com/#/d5nfr6i
I noticed that the story got fucked up when I posted this.
It was an interesting idea to say the least, and I believe I will continue to read.
Quick question: does anyone have a problem with me saying Cassius Clay instead of saying Muhammad Ali.
I gotta say, I really like this story. Which is weird, because I tend to hate stories of this caliber. It's quirky, but funny, and the use of description is done surprisingly well. On top of that, I genuinely like the dialogue. Very quirky, and reminds me of my own life, only a lot better, more Rainbow Dash-y (I will never say 20% cooler) and dare I say sexy.
You definitely characterized Dash well. She reacted accordingly, and I never questioned any instances of her actions, as if they were unrealistic or out of character. Not to mention, your protagonist's interactions; just golden. Very funny, and exactly as I'd react to a sexy, naked woman in my bed, who just happened to be a world jumping pony from my favorite show. One solid moment that stood out to me was how you didn't refer to her as Rainbow Dash until the end of the story. Earlier suspicion would have spoiled it for me, and it's a surprisingly effective cliff hanger.
Though, what I found odd was how he just sort of nonchalantly punched her in the face. That's something I'd have been embarrassed about. Or at least worried about. And there are certain formatting problems that could be touched up. Such as the "Ahh" doesn't really need to have the underlining to it, or even the bold, for that matter. Expressing a scream is something that should be displayed in description, whereas formatting it to express it's boldness is recognized as a cheap aesthetic. I'm not going to criticize your grammar and spelling, because they were done well enough, and as long as I can truly read it without complaint, it doesn't really matter. It's not like you're trying to publicize this.
In hindsight, I think you should continue this story. I'll be following it and anticipating another chapter if you do perhaps change your mind, because I'm loving the idea of a perverted teen hiding a grown woman in his bedroom and from his parents, while looking for a way to get her back, using no source other than the Internet. Though, a full on "adapting to a new life" scenario would be a pretty interesting forethought as well, though maybe a bit extreme. It doesn't help that my pervertedness likes the fact that Dash is still naked at the end of this chapter
. Oh boy, how's that gonna be handled! Anticipation!
What I wouldn't recommend, however, is trying anything that's already been done before. Gags used for hiding Dash from the protagonist's parents would be funny, as well as the prospect of introducing her to human life and media entertainment,
and teaching her about nudity taboos.What I wouldn't recommend you do is trying to get her into a high school or introducing her to friends or something of that sort. Part of what I like about this genre of human stories is that the whole goal is to keep the new resident of Earth out of public eye or at least make it so that she stands out least in the crowd. Making her adapt to the crowd would spoil that - at least if you start it early on. Also, the high school thing is just really unnecessary. Rainbow's already been taught anything her age should need to know, by now, and I'd imagine she would just like to stay home all day, or just kind of walk around town. It resonates that "coming home from school to your new puppy" feeling, and that's always a plus. But now I'm thinking ahead too much.I'll be reading whatever update you make, as soon as possible. I think this story has a lot of potential!
Au revoir...
PS: Cassius Clay is a better pick than Muhammad Ali
.
3091534 can't.....look away....too cute......GAAAAHHH! -dies of cuteness overload-
3561973 Add another 1 to the pile jim
Christ, this chapter was good. Nick's dialogue and inner monologue are charming as shit. Maybe I just have a soft spot for deadpan snarkers. Anyway, glad you got around to updating. Hope this story picks up more in the future.
Really glad you finally got around to updating this, this chapter made my day.
3635021
Yea...
Kinda my fault this took so long. Oh, I'm the (or was, currently unsure at current time) editor.
Once the author gets this laptop fixed, and I stop pissing people around, I'm sure there will be plenty more chapters in rapid goes. Sorry for holding everyone up.
3719919 Oh, Lolster I could never abandon you. Seriously, try finding a good editor who is willing to do a human story.
3754073
I have. I didn't even get any offers from bad editors.
Twat. Aww well, I can't say anything. I'm in the exact same position.
3963851 you're also making a bored game
3969152
wot
3974411 you said you're in the exact same position
Well I'm loving the story so far, I hope u can continue this, as I would love to see what happens.
~Blaz3